[Shell_Lee]

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 34. The age difference is def not a problem in our relationship. Actually we have a great relationship except for one thing - his going to the strip club.

When I started dating this man, I knew that he went to the strip club a lot (like 2-3 times a week) I thought that I could deal with it, but I explained to him that I really do not like him going to strip clubs. I am not one for trying to change people when you start dating them (you should love them for who they are) Background - he started going to strip clubs later than most men in life. He has cut back a lot on going - like once every 3-4 months, but I'm not sure that I can deal with it anymore! The excuses he uses for going are: going to hang out with friends, just got a bug up my butt and felt like going, haven't been in a while, going to talk to the "girls (yes, he actually became friends with some of the girls). I've said to him that I don't mind him being friends with these girls, but does he need to talk to them at "work". If they were really his friends, they would be willing to go out to the bar with him and I or going out to eat or something like that.

It wouldn't bother me if he went to the strip club for a friend’s birthday or bachelor party. But not this "just because" stuff. The only two times that I have ever gone to a male review was for my best friends and my sisters bachelorette parties - both times I did not tip once. The major reasons that I don't like him going are: he spends to much money at the clubs, it feels really disrespectful to me, I don't like the fact that he getting boobs shoved in his face, and I don't trust some of the girls (especially when he told me that a few of them wanted to date him until they found out he had a new girlfriend - me) I do trust him not to cheat of me. I just don't trust the girls. He already gets a lot of crap from his friends (even though they are extremely good friends of mine too) because he cut back on going because of me.

I'm really not sure what to do and would like any advice/input that people are willing to give me. We are planning on moving in together in about 4-5 months and I would like to get this little "issue" dealt with before then.

Thanks

Shell Lee

[Shell_Lee]

I asked this question in another forum, but I am also going to try here. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 34. The age difference is def not a problem in our relationship. Actually we have a great relationship except for one thing - his going to the strip club.

When I started dating this man, I knew that he went to the strip club a lot (like 2-3 times a week) I thought that I could deal with it, but I explained to him that I really do not like him going to strip clubs. I am not one for trying to change people when you start dating them (you should love them for who they are) Background - he started going to strip clubs later than most men in life. He has cut back a lot on going - like once every 3-4 months, but I'm not sure that I can deal with it anymore! The excuses he uses for going are: going to hang out with friends, just got a bug up my butt and felt like going, haven't been in a while, going to talk to the "girls (yes, he actually became friends with some of the girls). I've said to him that I don't mind him being friends with these girls, but does he need to talk to them at "work". If they were really his friends, they would be willing to go out to the bar with him and I or going out to eat or something like that.

It wouldn't bother me if he went to the strip club for a friend’s birthday or bachelor party. But not this "just because" stuff. The only two times that I have ever gone to a male review was for my best friends and my sisters bachelorette parties - both times I did not tip once. The major reasons that I don't like him going are: he spends to much money at the clubs, it feels really disrespectful to me, I don't like the fact that he getting boobs shoved in his face, and I don't trust some of the girls (especially when he told me that a few of them wanted to date him until they found out he had a new girlfriend - me) I do trust him not to cheat of me. I just don't trust the girls. He already gets a lot of crap from his friends (even though they are extremely good friends of mine too) because he cut back on going because of me.

I'm really not sure what to do and would like any advice/input that people are willing to give me. We are planning on moving in together in about 4-5 months and I would like to get this little "issue" dealt with before then.

Thanks

Shell Lee

[nwguy]

If you love him, and he loves you, there is nothing to worry about.

I know that sounds naïve, so I'll let you know what I think about your situation.
If he is spending excessively at these clubs, but does not take you out for dinners or neglects you, that could be a problem, if that is not the case, lets move on to the next issue, the girls.

99% of strip clubs have a strict no touch rule, this also goes for the lap dance and 'private' areas, so again you should not worry about him 'doing' anything there while he goes out. As you stated he started to go to these places later in life so again this could just be a phase and like any phase it will pass, on it's own.

This brings me to another question. His friends. Are they the same age? Are they married or in relationships? This could be another problem if most of them are bachelors and are 'dragging' him along for these boys nights. He should realize that you are his number one and that at times the boys will just have to go on their own.

Last but not least, and this if what my g/f did a few times is, come along with them. He should NOT object to this. Now I know that a lot of girls might object to going to those places, but trustme just check it out. Hell you might even have some fun, I'm sure you will have a few guys buy you drinks, since you would be a real woman there, not the fantasy on the stage, and see how he would react. I mean he should see that you are as attractive as any one of the strippers and you can underline that with the fact of men wanting to buy you drinks, etc. This is not meant to stir up s**t in your relationship, just to make him realize how lucky he is to have you and to know that he is the one going home with you at the end of the night.

Hope this helps in one way or another.

Cheers :)

[talaniman]

If he was doing it when you met him, what makes you think he will change for you and why should he? Back off and let him have his fun and if you can't take it, then this is not the guy for you.

[phillysteakandcheese]

How can you you trust him, but not the girls? If something is going to happen between him and a stripper, it will be because he was willing and allowed it to happen. These girls are not going to hypnotize him into helplessness and take advantage of him!

Frankly - I think there is nothing wrong with a guy going to the strip club with his buddies once a month. Guys appreciate the female form, and it has nothing to do with anything being wrong with his wife/girlfriend, or somehow "not getting enough" of something at home. It's like appreciating art, except you can hang out with your buddies and drink beer at the same time.

Having said all that - If it really bothers you that much, he should be respectful of your feelings and stop going all together. If he's not willing to do that, you should really reconsider what he is and is not willing to do for his relationship.

[Shell_Lee]

If you love him, and he loves you, there is nothing to worry about.

I know that sounds naive, so i'll let you know what I think about your situation.
If he is spending excessively at these clubs, but does not take you out for dinners or neglects you, that could be a problem, if that is not the case, lets move on to the next issue, the girls.

99% of strip clubs have a strict no touch rule, this also goes for the lap dance and 'private' areas, so again you should not worry about him 'doing' anything there while he goes out. As you stated he started to go to these places later in life so again this could just be a phase and like any phase it will pass, on it's own.

This brings me to another question. His friends. Are they the same age? Are they married or in relationships? This could be another problem if most of them are bachelors and are 'dragging' him along for these boys nights. He should realize that you are his number one and that at times the boys will just have to go on their own.

Last but not least, and this if what my g/f did a few times is, come along with them. He should NOT object to this. Now i know that a lot of girls might object to going to those places, but trustme just check it out. Hell you might even have some fun, i'm sure you will have a few guys buy you drinks, since you would be a real woman there, not the fantasy on the stage, and see how he would react. I mean he should see that you are as attractive as any one of the strippers and you can underline that with the fact of men wanting to buy you drinks, etc. This is not ment to stir up s**t in your relationship, just to make him realize how lucky he is to have you and to know that he is the one going home with you at the end of the night.

Hope this helps in one way or another.

Cheers :)

Thanks for the answer! I do really appreciate the info. I will answer your questions back.

It's not that he neglects me. Actually it is quite the opposite sometimes. Some people might think I'm lucky in this. Not so sometimes and I'll explain. He is 10 years older than me and makes about twice the amount of money that I do, But I have about 100% more money saved than him - even though I also have a child and he does not. We want to move in together. He's even been talking about buying a house together in about a year and a half. I don't see how this can happen with him blowing the money as he does (and he does spend quite a bit at the club)

When I first started dating him, I did go to the clubs with him and my friends. I went so I could spend time with my boyfriend and my friends. I never went to the rail as that is just not my thing. I tried really hard to see how it was OK, but just couldn't. It ABSOLUTELY KILLED me to see girls rub their boobs in his face and he give money to them for it. Now with me saying this: Yes, 99% of clubs have a no touch rule. Well that club he goes to is that 1%. I have seen things and heard things that just blew my mind!

Most of his friends range from 27-35. Some are married and some are not. Most of the time they are not dragging him along. They just say, "Hey I'm going to the club, want to go along?" That's it. I've been standing right there a few times that they have asked him.

[nwguy]

Hmm... difficult to say but maybe he is being a little immature? I mean what is the point of blowing $$ on skanks when you have someone who cares for you? Sorry if that is a little blunt but that is just my opinion. I'm 28 and my g/f is 24 and yeah I frequent one club from time to time but that is only because we all go, mixed crowd girls & guys, etc.

I don't want to say you should immediately put out an ultimatum and say either me or the clubs, but you should be hinting towards something in that area, especially if your b/f seems mature enough to want to move in together.

Are all other parts of your relationship OK? Is he using this as an escape or excuse? Or maybe to prove a point to you (don't know what point that would be other then, I'm my own man and I'll do as I please), etc.

[Shell_Lee]

hmm.... difficult to say but maybe he is being a little immature? I mean what is the point of blowing $$ on skanks when you have someone who cares for you?? Sorry if that is a little blunt but that is just my opinion. I'm 28 and my g/f is 24 and yeah i frequent one club from time to time but that is only because we all go, mixed crowd girls & guys, etc.

I don't want to say you should immediatly put out an ultimatum and say either me or the clubs, but you should be hinting towards something in that area, especially if your b/f seems mature enough to want to move in together.

Are all other parts of your relationship ok? Is he using this as an escape or excuse? Or maybe to prove a point to you (don't know what point that would be other then, i'm my own man and i'll do as i please), etc.

All the other parts of our relationship are great!

With his last girlfriend, she went to the clubs with him all the time (by what I've been told) She even got up on stage and danced. She also entered some amateur contests once in a while. They dated for about 3 years. In the last year of their relationship, he only had sex with her 3 times. YES THREE in a year! It was completely her doing. After she got up on stage and stripped for him, she still would not have sex with him. I asked him how he could live with that and his response was, "Well, I learned to live without it." Sometimes it just feels like he has not learned to live with a girlfriend that does not support going to the strip club.

He can be a very jealous person himself. If he sees a guy looking at me in the wrong way, he gives them "the look of death" as I like to refer to it. That is just a guy looking at me! It never goes further than that as I told him that I can take care of myself and if I need help, I will ask for it. So he can get upset about something like that but I'm supposed to be OK with him shoving dollar bills between some girls boobs though?

[letmetellu]

Shell_Lee, do you feel a little bit used?? And just think you are only dating. Just think what it will be like when you move in and you then will have his laundry and cooking to do. That will give him even more time at the club where the girls don't have to cook or wash clothes.

[s_cianci]

Bottom line, you need to decide if you're willing to live with him going to strip clubs or not. If so, there there's no problem. If not, you need to reconsider this relationship and now, before it gets any more serious.

[chuff]

He has cut back a lot on going - like once every 3-4 months, but I'm not sure that I can deal with it anymore!

Honestly, if you can't let him go to a strip club every 3 or 4 months he deserves to be let out of this strangle hold.

[s2tp]

Aaah I read it as 3-4 times a month... haha. Well Strip Clubs to me are no big deal. Ive been with guy friends, and even once a boyfriend. I kind of enjoy seeing the girls dance, but its definitely not something I would do on a regular basis... I think it was the novelty of going that was so interesting...

I think the major problem here is his spending the money though... thats what it seems like. The fact that he gives these girls so much money yet saves none for himself...

I would be very concerned with moving in with this guy as well. You are not only bringing yourself into this situation, but your child too.

I say you need to have a serious conversation with this guy, discuss the strip club and the money being spent and let him know straight up what it is that bothers you. Let him know what you can and cannot accept and if he is reasonable enough to listen and come to an agreement between the two of you, then continuing the relationship is good.

However if he is not willing to negotiate when/how often he goes, or how much he spends.. well then it sounds to me like you two are just not going to be compatible enough to live together. Remember your bringing your child into this too... do you want to put that confusion into his/her life by moving in with this guy then not being able to work things out and moving out again...

I don't think going to the strip club every 3-4 months with the guys is a bad thing. The 2-3 times a week was too much! But if he has cut back this much, and still gets crap from the guys but stays with you, well then he has adjusted his life for you.

Now the money... I am not sure how much he spends, but it sounds like its not just the strip club he wastes money on. Have you discussed what the financial situation is going to be when you move in? Sure he makes more money than you and he probably gets his bills paid and everything so he deserves to spend what he wants where he wants, but if the two of you are planning a life together then I think he should take that into consideration. Its not marriage yet, but living together is a step towards that and if I was getting that serious with someone I would want to know that they can be financially responsible and not leave me to do all the saving...

Best of luck!

[chuff]

Aaah i read it as 3-4 times a month...haha.

OOOHHH!! I stand corrected then. My bad.

[s2tp]

OOOHHH!!! I stand corrected then. My bad.

no no Chuff I think you are right... it says

'like once every 3-4 months'

I read it wrong the first time, and you pointed it out... hehe

[Allheart]

Shell_Lee -

Well, as the others have said. It's more about you having to decide whether you wish to move forward with this guy, who enjoys going to strip clubs versus you not wanting him to go. You say you wish to handle this "small" issue. But is it really small? If you are so against it, and he truly enjoys it, there lies a conflict, which I don't see going away. Some may say it's minor as it's just a matter of guys going out and you being against it. But there are valid reasons you are against it which meanings lie deeper than this surface conflict and there are reasons your boyfriend sees it as okay, which again, holds meanings that lie deeper than his desire to go.

There are men out there who enjoy going and there are men who see no value in it at all.

You will have to decide how much of what you believe about all of this you are willing to put aside for this relationship.

Just for your own peace of mind, having to witness your boyfriend have another woman's breast in his face, and you getting upset by that, does not make you jealous. It is not a jealousy thing, to me, it is a respect thing, respect for you. As I said, there is a bit more meaning underneath this surface conflict.

Take some time, think this through and I do wish you all the best.

[chuff]

no no Chuff I think you are right... it says

'like once every 3-4 months'

I read it wrong the first time, and you pointed it out... hehe

Ok this is a little confusing now. I stand corrected... again!! So my bad on my other bad. And I stand by my original point that once every 3 or 4 months is not a big deal.

[waitaminute]

By the way, men are allowed to touch in many strip clubs, especially when they order a "private" dance, like behind a curtain. I have talked to people in the clubs and they told me. I have never dated a man who didn't think strip clubs were "stupid" and only went to them when there was a bachelor party OR who thought that it was disrespectful to women and "depressing", so didn't ever go. I am dating someone who I knew used to go to a strip club a lot after his (bad) divorce 2 years ago, but I didn't think went anymore. I just found out he has gone since dating me and even paid for a lap dance(s?). He's a great guy, but I feel blind sighted. I have lost the respect I had for him and I don't know if I should break up with him. I would definitely never continue dating him unless he promised never to get another lap dance, but I'm not sure if I can even handle him going there. His roommate who used to go with him has stopped and to tell you the truth he's looking A LOT cuter to me these days.

[beachloverjohn]

Nothing wrong with this. Most of my friends are female strippers who enjoy getting me all worked up. Give me a break. Tell him to get another hobby, like bowling.

[J_9]

3 1/2 year old thread closed