[daviscycle]

This is going to be a very long post as I have a lot on my mind. Well where to start? I guess at the beginning and a little background about me. I was raised in poverty by a single parent in a large city. My mother had six kids she was raising on her own. My father was a drug addict and was in and out of jail. When he finally decided to get clean and be a productive member of society he left my mother (who by the way didn't even drink) for another woman. I was two years old when my parents separated. It literally drove my mother insane they were together for 15-16 years and she put up with all his **** for all those years. She had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental hospital for about a year. All of us kids were placed with various family members until her release. When she was released she was a shell of a person completely shut down emotionally and completely jaded. After my mother's release we moved to the city where she worked two jobs and attended college. We kids were basically on our own, as you might imagine all the terrible things that can happen to unprotected children in a large urban ghetto happened. I was sexually abused from my earliest memories by family, strangers and family "friends". I had no protection and the only emotion my mother knew was anger so that was generally the only emotion I remember from her and it was often accompanied with a brutal beatings. I was molested at a young age, sexually active by age 10, gang rapped by 12 and a complete delinquent by age 12. When my mother discovered my brother-in-law having sex with me she beat me with a broom, than asked if I consented and if I was OK. Well he drugged me and I guess I did consent but drugged. Anyway, I ran away shortly after and lived on the streets, stole food from large stores and learned my only asset was my body.

Not all was bad, at 12 and pregnant (I had a miscarriage, thankfully) a probation officer noticed I wasn't a bad kid at heart and worked hard to get me placed in a good foster home. I stayed there for 2 years, long enough for me to go to school consistently and find a little self worth. When I came back a young local priest helped get me into private school where I stayed until 10th grade. Those years where a bit better I had more control of my life I was hanging out with my best friend who while in the ghetto and from a broken and dysfunctional family did not drink, do drugs and attended school. We were pretty teens and started going out to clubs and what not. Again the majority of myself worth was tied to by body. I meet my son's father while clubbing and loved him uncontrollably. Like most teens he cheated on my repeatedly. At 18 I started exotic dancing but was not a druggie so I actually used the money to pay rent and travel. I got pregnant again this time with my son. After his birth I gained weight and was not able to dance anymore. I need to find a way to support us so I went to community college. My mother decided to move out of the city and I went with her I attended community college and worked on campus. That is where I met my husband.

By the time I met my husband I had pretty well changed by life, I was determined to finish college and make a life for me and my son. My husband was 21 when we met and I was 23 we were both ready to transfer to four year universities. We feel in love fast and it was terrific for the first two years, we were so in love I completely trusted him. I wasn't ashamed of who I was and I knew where I was going. He was so supportive and loving and attentive. We talked for hours and completely cherished each other. For the first time I felt safe with a man. Well I hope you noticed I said for the first two years? Things changed after two years and got really bad for a long time. So after two years I was accepted in a very good University that required I move. He started an ivy league and decided it wasn't the place for him and started attending a local state university. We both lived with our parents. He spent nearly every night with me at my mother's house. Then some of my siblings started to move in and he wasn't happy coming over any more. He pushed me to move out on my own and I was so in love with him I stayed in town and started working full time so I could afford to rent an apartment. When I couldn't find an apartment fast enough he cheated on me and left me. My world was completely rocked I did whatever I could to get him back and that is where he lost all respect for me and has completely control me for the past 13 years. He started to discourage me from finishing my BA while he earned masters degrees and eventually a PhD. When he transferred to the university I was originally accepted to I moved there as well and enrolled. We were still together but by this time I was completely under his control, I worked .75 FTE in a professional position at the university and attended courses full time. He wouldn't come over if I didn't have my own place so I took out student loans to support this life style. He had complete access to me and I NEVER had a key to his apartment. I am 100% sure he had a 1.5 year relationship with a fellow graduate student.

I broke up with him on occasion when things got to in my face. In all this I have not mentioned my son who I love dearly and is one of the greatest people I know. Mind you my husband had been around since my son was 3 years old but never had a relationship with him. Never attended any of his school or sports events, and was just kind a mean and intolerant for years. I know, I know this does make me a pretty ****ty mother I should have NEVER tolerated a man that dismissed by child it is inexcusable but I loved my son and I was there for him and raised him the best I can. He is an amazing person now, 18 ready to graduate high school in all honors and A/P and on his way to university. He is so laid back and smart and interesting and just an amazing person.

OK so we spend 5 years at university and once he finally got his PhD we married (10 years into our relationship) I was completely unhappy getting married but I figured I had invested so much of my time in this relationship I was going to make it work. We moved all the way across the county so he could accept a professorship. For the first year things were very good we were happy. My son adjusted really well and has had a group of wonderful friends. But after two years my mother passed away and I never got to say good bye. I was reliant on him financially (and we do not share finances he makes more than twice what I make and keeps all his money in a separate bank account). He paid the mortgage and utilities and I paid insurance (both medical and auto), cell phones, all house hold (food, supplies, etc.) plus I had to pay my student loans and all of my son's expenses. So I have been pretty much living pay check to pay check. I drive a ****ty 10 year old car that is frankly dangerous while he drives a brand new car. When I wanted to go home he was unsupportive even though he went back four different times in that first year and at least once a year to visit his family. I have only gone back when I can afford to pay for it myself. After my mother's death (which he did not come back for) things have been bad. There are so many things that have happened, so many mean comments and general neglect.

Let me just say I realize I stayed, I never spoke up, I never stood my ground. I realize my role here I completely enabled him to act like an ******* without any real resistant. While I have done all this complaining I have to note my husband is a very smart man, well accomplished and can be very charming. He has a side to him that is very funny and witty and endearing. That is the person I feel in love with. But with me and my son he is a mean, selfish egomaniac.

So now we are 15 years into our relation and I don't know what to do? I am pretty accomplished myself. I have just gotten a promotion I can be self supporting now. I am now 39 years old and most people think I am attractive (a bit overweight) but still not bad. I am now much like my mother though a shell of the feisty determined woman I once was.

I guess I wonder if things can get better. Oh by the way we have been living apart for 4 months (he accepted a position across the county and I stayed while my son finished his senior year of high school) and are about to reunite next week. I have not missed him and our life has been pretty drama free and peaceful. I don't have loving feeling anymore I haven't in years! We have sex often but that is because I can go into robot mode and he never seems to notice I am not there emotionally. I have not been caressed and loved in so many years.

[talaniman]

I wonder if you could be happy on your own doing what you want without depending on any one else to take care of you? All it takes is for you to love yourself. I mean, you crawled out of the pits of hell and have accomplished so much for yourself. I just can't see you giving up on yourself now. I just can't.

Maybe the stress has got you for a moment, and a doctor can help, but whatever it takes start being good to yourself. I think you deserve it. Now see that doctor, and find your own happiness.

[grammadidi]

If I were you I would find a therapist to help you sort out how you can either work things out with your husband or avoid getting into the same rut if you leave him. Can things get better? Yes, and I believe you know that. I could be way off base, but to me it sounds like you have come a long way in your life but still have to resolve some things from your past to believe you deserve better. The first step is to do something that will help you to feel yourself worth. I think that should be one of the main goals of therapy and I expect the rest will fall into place.

It seems like you are ready for a change and you sure do deserve it. You have done a lot with your life considering your start. Break your family pattern, delve into your emotions with a therapist and grab on to all that life has to offer. More than anything you deserve to be happy. The key is communication and self-acceptance. Challenge yourself.

I wonder if one of the problems is that you don't really communicate within your marriage. Have you ever really tried to tell your husband how you feel? Maybe you both need help with that.

Regardless, I don't think it would serve any purpose to make a move to end your relationship at this point. I think you need to clear your mind and think things out well before you act because there is so much muddying the waters I'm not sure you will make the right choices. As long as you aren't being abused in any way, give it some time WHILE you work on it.

It's clear to me that you definitely need to put more thought and time into any decision that you make in order that you can find what you are looking for. That may happen in your present relationship, or you may have to move on. However, you need to create a life plan first.

Hugs, Didi