[mostlyconfused]

Was married for 10 good years and 12 pretty terrible years, raised two really great children and finally got brave enough to divorce my husband. Moved on, move up (professionally, personally - built a new home, lost weight,) Was happy, really happy for 5 years. Happy to be alone, happy for peace in my life, and happy for independence. NEVER intended to date or be in a committed relationship again. EVER.

Then out of the blue, a guy shows up at work, and without details, we became friends. Then good friends, then lovers. I knew he was married, but did it anyway. I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Probably fell for the oldest line in the world.

Now we're seriously in love. I know that the love is mutual. I'm not delusional on that account anyway. He's been good for me in ways I couldn't describe, probably the obvious- selft-esteem, making me feel attractive and desirable, all the things a bad marriage suck out of a person. The biggest obvious problem is he has a 12 year old daughter (um, and a WIFE). I have no interest in raising another daughter, having raised two of my own. He's shown no interest in integrating me into their lives, (and truly, I haven't pressed the issue since which would be difficult since he's still MARRIED. On the other hand, I've made the mistake of letting him become fully integrated in my life, my children, my family. Of course my family has no idea, they'd be horrified. And, they think he's God's gift to me. I knew better, I KNOW better. But I'm so involved. After all, it took me 12 years to end a marriage that was dead after 10.

There's more, but what difference. Where do I go from here? I'm moderately attractive, self-sufficient, and in love with a married man.

I'm truly not looking for justification of this relationship. I know it's wrong. But instead of telling me "it's wrong, you need to end this thing". Someone, please, tell me HOW. How do I get brave enough to be alone again?

Advice, help? :confused:

[lnl232699]

Was married for 10 good years and 12 pretty terrible years, raised my children and got brave enough to divorce my husband. Moved on, move up (professionally, personally - built a new home, lost 75 lbs) Was happy, really happy for 5 years. Happy to be alone and happy for independence. NEVER intended to date or be in a committed relationship again.

Then out of the blue, a guy shows up at work, and without details, we became friends. Then good friends, then lovers (really, really great lovers btw). I knew he was married, but there was no danger, because I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Thought this would be a way to get back into the social scene.

Now we're seriously in love, but the problem is he has a 12 year old daughter (um, and a WIFE). Ugh. I have no interest in raising another daughter, having raised two of my own. And he shows no interest in integrating me into their lives, which would be difficult since he's still MARRIED. On the other hand, I've made the mistake of letting him become fully integrated in my life, my children, my family. Of course they have no idea, they'd be horrified.

There's more, but what difference. Where do I go from here? I'm attractive, self-sufficient, and in love with a married man.

Advice, help? :confused:

He needs to sort it out, if he still loves her then you need to move on, he already has his soul mate. If not then he needs to either divorce her, or try and fix it. Step aside for a little bit, let him deal with it.

[freebird1981]

I have been there, where his wife is, and it sucks to think that everything is fine in your relationship when its not. I was with my ex for years and he also had another woman,when I found out my world fell apart because of course he still told me he loved me and in my world everything was fine and I had this fantastic boyfriend,put yourself in her shoes,and if it has happened to you think back to how much it hurt you,think of how his wife will hurt when she finds out... and she will,find a single guy who can and will commit to you full time

[mostlyconfused]

OK, not defending him OR his wife OR their relationship. I have seen pictures of them and have seen them together. There is no (obvious) love there, she treats him very poorly/disrespectfully. Don't think I don't feel badly for her, but she FULLY SUSPECTS that something is going on (she just doesn't know ME). Please, I'm not defending my actions, I really, really want some advice.

[s2tp]

I agree with Freebird, your hurting more than yourself here. It may be nice to have found love among all the other great things going on in your life, but he is a taken man. If he cannot take the responsibility of divorcing and doing the right thing by you, then he is not the right guy for you.

You say there was no danger, but your wrong. There is danger when his wife finds out... you may think that's not your problem, but think about if you were his wife and found out he had been seeing another woman... I doubt you would want to be in her shoes. ''

You should do the right thing and leave this man to sort things out with his family. You should not stand by in hopes that he will divorce. I know I would hate to be a 'homewrecker'. I don't mean to insult you by any means... but you say you are attractive, successful, and you are right you need to find a single man, a man that can give back to you as much as you give. Its not fair to you, nor this mans wife. It sounds like he is too afraid to mess things up for his daughters sake, well then he needs to concentrate on his marriage and family then, not an affair.

Move on, for your sake, for his sake, for the sake of both of your families...

[freebird1981]

You said yourself that she doesn't know you... yet you say that she treats him poorly.. you know that because he told you that, he will tell you whatever you want to hear because he knows he has a woman at home and a woman on the side, think about it, he's not going to come and see you and go on about how much he loves his wife! The best advice I can give you is... the next time you see him, tell him that you don't want to continue this way, that he has to make a choice, if he cannot make that chioce there and then tell him that its over. Walk away with you head held high knowing that you did the right thing... the right thing for you,him and his wife. Its right because you will eventually meet someone free and single who can shower you with love and not have to run home to his wife every night, and the right thing for his wife, as she has never done anything to hurt you. By the way... my mum told me this when I was little, and I never understood what she was trying to say,mum told me to wait until I was older and I would know.now I'm older and I have had all the experiences life has thrown at me, I know exactly what she was saying,

One night of pasion can lead to a lifetime of pain

Think about that for a second, I use that all the time, it helps me, I have a boyfriend I love to bits, and even though I love him, yes I LOOK at other gus, weather its in the street etc but I would never take it that step further, yeah I might get a bit of pleasure but it would cause him a lifetime of pain.. get it? What I'm trying to say is, you love this guy,NOW.carry this thing on and it will hurt you for the rest of your life, you will have to live with the memory that you caused a divorce,it's a stigma that never leaves, I'm not putting you down, I'm just trying to help you to help yourself

[ordinaryguy]

I knew he was married, but there was no danger, because I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Thought this would be a way to get back into the social scene.

Are you really as selfish and thoughtless as this sounds? You may have thought there was no danger to YOU, but what about the danger to your children, to his children and his wife? Of course, there was danger to you (and him) as well, and the heartache you (both) reap from your foolishness will be well deserved. Unfortunately, the heartache reaped by everybody else that is affected will be gratuitous and undeserved, so don't be surprised if they have trouble forgiving you right away.

If you have a shred of decency left, come clean with your own family, break it off immediately and let him deal with the fallout in his family however he sees fit. There is no way to improve the situation by prolonging it, so the faster you can stop it and move on the better it will be for everyone.

[mostlyconfused]

Thanks for your advice thus far. I only want to qualify one more thing, and hope it doesn't sound as if I'm defending myself - I'm trying so hard not to be defensive. You can't imagine the nerve it took for me to even post this question.

When I finally ended my marriage, it was with the absolute conviction that I never, ever, want to be married again. A relationship was not out of the question (thought a distant possibility), but seriously, marriage is not in the future for me.

So, I'm not looking for marriage, that's not my goal, but I also do not aspire to wreck some innocent child's ideal of her "perfect" dad. I respectfully acknowledge and appreciate everything everyone has said thus far. I'm still open to everyone's comments. And thanks from a seriously confused woman.

[Allheart]

Hi Mostly,

Would like to introduce myself. As you see, I am Allheart. If you read some of my post, I have a tendency, whether good or bad to be quite soft hearted, no matter what the circumstances are. So please keep that in mind. I also will say, I do not judge as I feel so unworthy of judging anyone. The day I become perferct, well then perhaps I will judge away. With all of this said... here we go.

You truly need a wake up call. I do not mean this harshly, but has painful things happen to you in your life that you are unable to feel for others?

These are your words:
I knew he was married, but there was no danger, because I WASN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Thought this would be a way to get back into the social scene.

Mostly, do you see how this comes across? It is all about you. Danger? There is a danger of your poor choices demolishing peoples lives because "you felt it was a way to enter back in to the social scene."

Mostly, I have to tell you in most situations like yours, I am able to feel for the "mistress aka homewrecher", as everyone has to answer for their own actions, and they do not have to answer to me, and even though they made a huge poor choice, I can still feel their pain. However, I actually feel for this married man. You entered in to this so callously, without any thought what it would do to anyone. By you just wanting to enter the social scene, you invaded this man's life, his home, his family. Do you see the danger there? As far as the wife's weight issue, your right, it has zero to do with anything. As far as you stating the wife treats him poorly and disrespects him, what could be worse than being betrayed in this way, by your husband?

I promise you, I am not judging you. I am sending up a huge red flag in hopes that you take some notice to your very own words. I feel it is important, as if you don't recognize the "emptiness" of your words, you will find yourself doing the very same thing out there, hurting more people and yourself, and that is a danger, would you not agree.

You had asked for some advice. I hope this helps as I truly mean it to.

1_ - Enough. Please. Leave this man alone and his family. You state you love him. Then please show it. The greatest act of love you can do for him, is to let him go. Please do not turn this families life inside out and upset down.

2) Just as important - Work on yourself. You may think you are happy and carefree, and perhaps soon after your divorce you were and perhaps all of this took you by surprise, well the shock is over. Love yourself enough and this man to do the right thing. If you are unable to do it for either one of you, then do it for this man's child, who you claim to love.

Mostly confused, I do see in one of your post where you chaned it from "mostly" confused to "seriously" confused. Yes, that would be more accurate. I do understand, I truly do, but read back your very own words and hopefully you will see the cause for concern.

I guarantee, you will feel so much better about the person that you are, when you let go of this married man, and all the stress, turmoil and heartache it is bound to bring.

There is no problem in not wanting to get married ever again. Just make sure you find someone that shares that same thought and of course, make sure they are not married.

Mostly, this is an incredible site, with folks who truly do care and give awesome advice (you may not think mine was very helpful, and I would understand). But please, stick around, it will open your eyes to so many things and will be help you to see things in a much more realistic light, that would not only help you as a person, but make you a much happier person inside.

I do, sincerely, wish you all the best.

[ordinaryguy]

thanks for your advice thus far. I only want to qualify one more thing, and hope it doesn't sound as if I'm defending myself - I'm trying so hard not to be defensive. You can't imagine the nerve it took for me to even post this question.

When I finally ended my marriage, it was with the absolute conviction that I never, ever, want to be married again. A relationship was not out of the question (thought a distant possibility), but seriously, marriage is not in the future for me.

So, I'm not looking for marriage, that's not my goal, but i also do not aspire to wreck some innocent child's ideal of her "perfect" dad. i respectfully acknowledge and appreciate everthing everyone has said thus far. I'm still open to everyone's comments. And thanks from a seriously confused woman.

I don't see that what you were or were not looking for, or what you do or do not aspire to has any relevance at this point. You're doing what you're doing and it is deeply hurtful to several innocent people. You need to acknowledge that, stop doing it, make amends as best you can, and learn a painful lesson about yourself.

[talaniman]

This is not confusing at all. You are very selfish and uncaring of others and think you are entitled to bad behavior from some twisted sense of ego. There is no defending some one who knows that what they are doing is wrong and still do it. This is simple either you change your behavior and do the right things in life, or stay on this path and reek havoc in the lives of innocent people.

[mostlyconfused]

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone who responded. Although the responses are certainly what I expected, and know in my heart to be true, it's still tough to see it in black and white, and KNOW that it's true. It took a few days for me to be able to digest it all, which is why this is belated.

But thanks, again, for taking the time to respond to me. I felt like I was floundering, but I now know what needs to be done. Now I just need to be brave enough to do it. I think I can, I KNOW I can. And I will. Just do it.

Wish me luck, and if by chance anyone has had experience in something like this (the breaking up part) - I could sure use some advice. How to start, how to endure, how to move on.

Sincerely,
Less confused, just scared.

[Allheart]

Hi there Mostly,

Here's a hug for you {... }. If only all of us could see and admit where we made a wrong turn and truly desire to fix it. Good for you.

Your heart will be heavy from sadness, but your mind will be clear knowing you are doing the right thing for everyone. That, I hope, will ease some of the pain.

Make a quick break, in an honest and truthful way and then turn and begin the healing process. First order of business would be to love yourself and forgive yourself and be proud that you once were taken off guard and had no intention of getting in to something that you never dreamed that you would, and when you realized the reality of the situation, removing all emotion, you stood up and chose to do right by everyone. Again, good for you.

There will be days, hours and minutes, that the tears will come. Let the come, it can be healing. Then try and keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with good friends and your loving family. Oh, and be sure and stick around with all of us. As I stated earlier, folks here are incredible (as you saw first hand), and can truly help you through this healing process.

Welcome to AMHD - There is nothing to fear, nothing to be scared about, but if ever you do feel that way, you just pop back in, the door is always open :)

My very best to you.
Allheart

[pointrevolt]

OK this is how I see it...
If someone really loves you, they would not lower you to be their misteress. If he does love you the way you say then why is he still with his wife?
Plus if he did leave his wife for you would you really want a relationship with a man who you know has cheated on his previous wife before?
My father cheated on my momm while they were married and it devistated my sister, my mother, and me. Do you really want to be known as a person who destroyes families, because no mater what you say to justify what you are doing it it still wrong.
You need to leave him because he's not going to leave his wife for you; find someone who is single that will treat you how you want to be treated.

[momincali]

My dad too cheated on my mom, (his mistress knew about us too, she didn't care until she found out about the others). They stayed together for our sake (all 8 of us). We didn't know it at the time. Years later, when I discovered this information, it changed my attitude towards my dad. We were the best of buds, I loved hanging out with him. Once I found out, I felt a deep hurt and betrayal and felt I had to punish him for it. I became very distant. I often made remarks to him about how I thought cheaters were the scum of the earth and how I don't trust men and if I ever found out someone I was involved with cheated on me they would feel all my wrath. I think he got the picture.

I carried on this way with him for years. My dad came down with kidney failure and despite his illness, I had a hard time letting go of that anger. I finally did about a year or so before his passing. I did everything I could to make up for lost time, towards the end he wasn't very coherent but I know he could feel my love and remorse. I live with that to this day.

I know you thought there was no danger, but eventually all things are known. Not only will his family find out, but so will yours. I feel bad for the pain they will all feel and the embarrassment you will feel when that happens. That you didn't look for a relationship and that his wife treats him poorly unfortunately do sound like excuses. There are 3 sides to every story and you don't truly know why his wife treats him the way she does.

Please don't say that will try to walk away, you have complete control. He had no respect for his wife, his daughter or you for that matter when he began this affair. Any man worth his salt would never justify his affair due to unhappiness in his Godly vows to his wife. There was a time he just couldn't live with out her, what changed? Or did he simply get bored? Doesn't matter.

That you've taken the steps to leave shows me that you do have a conscience and a heart, please use it.

[islandofdreams]

Can I please tell you how ridiculous you sound? I don't want to be unduly harsh here but what specifically are you trying to get an answer to? You said you wanted advice on how to be alone again. There is no advice, you just have to break it off and deal with every day as it comes. No good can come from this affair. I would like to mention that at one time I was in this predicament, however, I was the "nasty wife who treated my husband with disrespect". Can I tell you why I was such an angry wife? Well, it was because my husband made excuses to disappear for hours at a time when he should have been at our children's events, helping with kids or just spending time with the family. He was a liar and a cheat and I knew it and I was pissed off and sad that my husband took vows and then bailed out on his family. You eluded to the fact that this woman (wife) has an idea something is going on, wouldn't you be pissed off too if you suspected that your husband was screwing around. Do yourself a favor and break it off, it is not worth the hurt. Why would integrate a married man into your family? You said you do not want to get married again so go out there and find a nice available guy!

[specialkay]

I know your post was back in Jan, but I wanted to give these words...

Until you've been in a similar situation, it's really hard to be sympathetic towards it. I hear a lot of judgement and some truth from most people. And well maybe that's what you needed. But speaking from my own experience, sometimes it's just hard to get out. Most of the time things will sneak up on you. You never intended to get into a situation and by the time that you realize you're actually in that situation, it's too late, it's taken over.

I'm not justifying by any means and I don't see justification coming from you at all either. It's so easy when you're standing outside of a situation to say "do this." and SO difficult to do that thing while you're in the situation.

[hatsbani]

Keep the guilt and shame out of this somewhat helpful answer. Yes, it is healthy to cut it out immediately. No, it serves no healthy purpose to tell your family. Only time will tell if this relationship has a future. Meanwhile, get strong

[delima]

Well, I have a totally different outlook on this problem. When I was about 17, I met a man that was about 10 years older. We clicked right away. Keep in mind that was about 40 years ago. We dated for about 3 years. He didn't seem to be moving toward divorce, so in order for me to break in off, I moved to another state and started my life again, after all, I was still very young. He continued to stay in touch and I always responded to his contacts. But, I did meet someone else and we married about 3 years later. We both worked for the same company and were transferred to yet another state. All this time, I was still in contact with my true married friend, but once, I was married, he was just a friend. I stayed married for over 20 years. Divorced and felt just like Mostly. By now we had been moved again and I even changed careers. Since my divorce, we have been in closer contact, but he still lives a long way away. I go there, he comes here and so on. No I am wanting more. His wife has dementia and he feels obligated to take care of her. I understand, but still want him to come to me. I think I need to finally let go. 40 years is a long time to love someone, but the heartache is not worth it. He didn't have children and neither did I. He didn't even live with the wife until she became ill. Mostly, we have a lot in common and I am going to call it quits. I am getting to old to go through this. I am suffering and so is he, but at this point I am here and he is there with her. That pretty much says it all.