[eamon1208]

After a two year separation though still friends my wife and her boyfriend fell out or ended it though not sure if it was him or her. I have my own house which I rent and she has hers but in December she said she still had feelings for me and should we try again. Even though I was with a lovely girl who I think she was jealous of I ended it with her and am trying again with my wife. Things are going quite well though I am still not sure if I should give up my house in the village as it would be hard to get another one and so be close to my 3 children who we used to share care between us. We are going to counselling though my wife has had several affairs during our marriage and the last one which ended the marriage lasted for four years until they fell out. Even though I love my family I am not sure if I should go all out and give up the house which costs 300 pds per month to rent or just hang on to it another while. Though she receives tax credit so we will have to make a decision either way very soon. We have been back together since December living in the same house. What do you all think all advice gratefully accepted.

Thank you

[answerme_tender]

Keep your house!! I think its great that you are both going to counseling to try and work your problems out.

I would treat this like any other dating scenario. Even though you have been married to this woman, you divorced and went on different directions for 4years.

Just like any new dating relationshp, I don't believe that you really get to see the true colors of someone's personality until approx 3months, if they are faking part of themselves it usually comes to surface. I don't believe we can truly fall that completely from someone within that amount of time give up our hearts totally. I wouldn't recommend living together so soon into a relationship or giving up our means of independence!! Now I understand that she is your ex-wife and you have an long history with a lot of emotions involved. Also that you have children together, but even though its easy to fall back into that love its also easy to fall back into those bad habits that distroyed the marriage.

You have already forgiven her transgressions in the past just to have her break your trust again. Keep in mind that she didn't start coming to realization that she still had feelings and wanted to try again until she was dumped by her boyfriend that she left you for!!

I would be optimistic and hopeful, but very cautious. DO NOT give up your house!!

Best wishes and take care

[talaniman]

Maybe I misunderstand, but this doesn't smell right. I would be very wary of a female that could always seem to get a guy, even if she was my wife at one time.

Counseling is great, but a lot more would have to happen before I put all my eggs in her basket again.

[DoulaLC]

I'm curious as to the time frame of when she and her boyfriend ended their relationship and she contacted you to tell you that she still had feelings for you? Was it a matter of convenience? Not wanting to be on her own?

Also curious, after "several" affairs... do you honestly trust her? Do you love her or are you comfortable with her because you had been married?

I agree with the other posters. Do not give up your house. Take things very slowly. Determine if anything has really changed in your relationship before you get too involved.

If you go back to how things were before, you can expect things will turn out how they did before... with her having another affair (thinking the grass is greener again) and you on your own... possibly without your house, no less.

The counseling is going to help both of you determine if this is truly something worth pursuing or not.

[Jake2008]

I personally think it was a mistake to end a good relationship, and allow your wife to move into your home so quickly.

In retrospect, there could have been a period, that, from a distance, you could have done things to be certain that her moving in was the right thing to do.

You are still in a transition period with her, or a honeymoon phase. It is hard to accept the result, without working through the myriad of problems that caused the split in the first place. You accepted her back, without any changes, and allowed her to just move back in.

In my opinion the result of her coming back, was without any conditions or expectations, so now you are working backwards, and being put in a position to make consessions that will directly affect your life. And, you have the added burden of not being sure about the future, but planning for it anyway.

This is a dangerous game of russian roulette, that now also include three children who think their parents are back together again for good. This is really not fair to them.

That she is in counselling does not mean that she has changed. Nor does it mean that any of the problems she has in remaining faithful, have been resolved. Nor does it mean that your marriage is going to work out with all the history between you. People can talk the talk during counselling, but have no intention of walking the walk. It is extremely hard work to work through multiple affairs, let alone stick it out and realize and work on all that is necessary in order to understand, and change one's behaviour.

In other words, the problems she has, haven't gone anywhere, they've only changed locations.

Until you are certain that she's serious, by actions, not just words, in changing her life around, it would be a really bad idea to let the house go. Without her making changes, for all you know, she could stick it out for a year, then start up with another man- again- as has been her pattern for some years.

I wish you had posted before you allowed her back. You have already given too much, of yourself, the life you created, and now you are faced with financial decisions, and everything else in the mix affected by allowing her back- including the children.

But it is what it is. Before you invest of yourself any further, keep your eyes open, and your assets intact. Counselling has to produce results, and you will soon see if she is making a sincere effort, or, if this is just a temporary reprieve.