[neverme]

Hi everyone,


I haven't been here for a while but I'd love to hear your thoughts on my current situation. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 9 months and have been committed since August. Everything was going well, although he did seem a bit distant before Christmas, but was okay after. On the 14th of this month we found out that his brother hung himself. This is devastating news alone, but his father's second year anniversary was the 22nd. He is from about 4 hours away from where we live. (Not together) He went down on the 14th and I followed him on the 15, at his request. I spent a week down there and then felt I was beginning to impose on a greiving family, he also mentioned he wanted me to go back and work and be around the people that can support me.

His mother suffers with depression and leans heavily on him, she is now down at his home and wants him to stay with her, though I don't know if she intends that to be indefinatly. It is not a healthy environment and one he had already moved himself out of. I feel he may be feeling he is torn between the two of us, though I have ceased to ask him when he'll be back or anything else really regarding her or his plans. I want to appease any pressure I can. So that's another aspect.

I returned home and tried to give him space while still trying to be close enough so that he knew I was there for him. A couple of days later I was talking to him and he said he wasn't sure he could be in a relationship at the moment. We agreed to sleep on it, and the next day I suggested that we not make a decision now but chill out for a while, and we agreed neither of us wanted to see other people.

I know I cannot possible know the grief, regret, loss and guilt he is feeling now and that indeed, no one can. I just want to know your thoughts on it. Possibly some insight into why he may be feeling this way. What I should do. Anything at all really.

Thanks in advance.

[starman_karl]

You sshould probably try to avoid talking to him about your relationship... you have sympathize with him, imagine you was him and you lost some you really love what will you do how will you feel? What do you want other people to do to help you... this are the sort of question you should be asking yourself...

[talaniman]

Back way off, and give him the time and space he needs to deal with his grief. I know you desperately want to help but at this time you cannot.

We never know how people can react to life changing events, but for sure know that this is a time you put your own needs for him, and to help him on hold, and do for yourself, while he wrestle with his traumatic events.

Sorry you are going through this, it must be hard, and life has dealt you both a hard blow, and it will take a lot of time to recover from it. Just be good to yourself to get through this. Have any close friends, or family? Let them support you.

[Jake2008]

You've only been together nine months, and just a few weeks ago your boyfriend and his family suffered the loss of his brother through suicide. Your boyfriend also suffered the loss of his father only a few years ago.

I think that what you are doing, under the circumstances is appropriate. You've been as supportive as you can, and you are giving him the space he needs to come to terms with the loss of his brother, as well as the probability of the added burden of having also recently lost his father.

Because he has lost two significant people in his life, may mean that he is not able to commit to you, the way the two of you decided, in August, which is just four months ago. He may be feeling a little more than uncomfortable having to move forward with you, while his life has taken such a blow.

Many things can suddenly change the nature of a relationship, and personal loss is certainly one of them. He may also feel that because his life has changed so suddenly, he is not emotionally strong enough to maintain any relationship, except that which he is obligated to, with his family.

The relationship is very new, and he's had his brother and his father all of his life until recently. That, for now, will take time to come to terms with.

I would keep doing what you are doing, and maintain contact from a distance, and let him come to you, when he's ready.

[neverme]

Hi folks, thanks for all your answers and confirming what I already knew. It's not so much what I should do as I know the only option I have is to be patient and hope that he will want to return to our relationship.

I'm wondering, would anyone be able to shed some light on why he feels this way. I know we all react to grief differently I'm just wondering if anyone may be able to help me understand so I might have the strength to continue to be patient and support him in whatever way I can.

I have told him that I don't understand what he is going through but that I do want whatever is best for him and I truly mean that. I hope that it is with me and have told him that when we have spoken about it, but I haven't gone on about it. I know that whatever I am going through, and I am in pain about all this. It is absolutely nothing on what he must be going through.

Talaniman, you're right, all I want to do is help and I think with a greater understanding it may be easier to deal with it all.

I hope I don't come across as selfish here, really my head and heart are with him and I want what's good for him.

Thanks again for your responses.

[talaniman]

He is hurt, he lost a part of himself, he has to heal. There is little to understand, but pay attention, and see how he handles hinself during times like these.

You care, and are concerned, but you can't help. At least not the way you want to, so deal with your own hurt, understanding will come later.

[I wish]

During these times, it's important for him to draw strength from where he believes he can achieve it. One of the reasons it might be troubling is why does he not draw strength from you to recover?

There could be so many different reasons. At this point, you already let him know that he can turn to you, so it's up to him to help himself to recover.

It's going to be a tough ride, but if you guys really cared about each other, you will have to ride this out and see what happens afterwards. He will have more answers for you once the emotional dust has settle, but it's going to take time and patience.

[Just Looking]

I went through a similar situation so I thought I’d try to explain how he might feel. My parents both died as a result of a car accident in 2008. I moved home to take care of my dad, who died about 3 weeks after the accident. At the time I had been dating someone for a year. What I can tell you is that I was overwhelmed by the grief. I didn’t feel there was enough feeling left in me to share with another person. He was treating it very much like you, giving me space, understanding, being there in any way he could, and hoping that I would want to maintain our relationship. I very much appreciated the way he handled everything, but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even handle the idea that he was waiting for me. I couldn’t know that I would eventually get over everything and want to resume our relationship, and I felt guilty that I was only “taking” from him without anything to give back. He was very understanding about everything, but I didn’t want to feel like I was using him. I really needed time to deal with my grief without having to be concerned about anyone else. He told me he would wait and give me time, but even that was more than I could handle. I didn’t want to be responsible for anything but working through my grief and getting my life together. I chose to break off that relationship. A lot of things factored into this, including that I didn’t see him as someone I would eventually marry. At the time, I really wasn’t ready to marry anyone.

He may be feeling the same to some extent. As you said, different people react differently to grief. I think your best bet is to give him time and space, but let him know you care – pretty much exactly what you are doing. Just be aware that this is a very difficult time for him and he may not be able to consider your relationship now, so be prepared that he may choose to break it off. You don’t come across as selfish at all. I think you seem very compassionate. The thing that helped me the most was grief counseling, so I hope he considers that. For me, I didn’t want to burden other people but I felt good about counseling. That, and time, is what helped.

[mardimart]

I went through something very similar with my present husband. Seven years ago his brother committed suicide while. My boyfriend and I were dating only a few months. We were also in the process of building a new home several hours from where we lived. He became very distant and cold towards me. When I discussed my concerns with friends, their advice was to be patient and to ask for "nothing" at all. I tried to be patient and stood by his side, though he was very distant and indifferent. A few months later we moved into the new house and things became worse. I was very worried and felt alone. I spoke to his stepmom who in return spoke to his dad. His dad called him and told him he didn't want him to feel guilty over his brother's death and that he wanted him to be happy. He explained that he believed he had a great girlfriend and that his life was worth living. Dad told him that he didn't want him to become like his brother. It was almost as though my then boyfriend needed permission to feel happy again. Eventually things began to get better and his heart softened towards me again. We married two years later and have been blessed ever since. My suggestion is that you hang in there if this man is worth it. Eventually he should come around. It is hard to feel love towards someone when you are in such pain. Step back, but not too far, and let him grieve. Let him know you are willing to wait it out and that you will be there when he is finished. Grieving is a very personal thing and the person grieving can only go through it alone. Give him the time he needs. He will be grateful and his heart will open to you like never before. But you must be patient and only hang in there if you truly love him.

[neverme]

Thanks a million guys and for Just Looking and mardimart, thank you for sharing your stories. They've really helped. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to hang in there I know it has to come from him.

[neverme]

So Hi Everyone,

I've been talking to my boyfriend and I'm going down next week for a visit. My primary concern going is to see how he is. I'm afraid though considering how important he is to me that I won't be able to not talk about our relationship.

Can anyone help me try to put this in the right perspective. I don't want to damage our relationship.

[talaniman]

Don't let your fear of losing him blind you to cold reality, and keep you from honesty expressing your concerns. Yes he has had his hands full with personal family issues, but that doesn't mean for you to continue to be in limbo, about what's important to you.

Listen, and pay attention WITHOUT the filter of your own feelings as he may well have decided that his continued presence where he is has to continue, and may well not b up for a long distance relationship, or a committed one at this point. These are possibilities that you would be hurt by, but are possible.

I see no way he you cannot talk about the relationship, none, because you need to know what's happening, and how to proceed with your own future, whether he is a part of it or NOT>

I can only wish you luck, and send you both my prayers.

[neverme]

Thank you very much Tal, I'm doing my best to put my emotions to the side for the good of my own mental health! :D

[freshmorrocan]

I'm sorry you have been going through this. I found your question because the same thing has happened with me and my boyfriend whose mother passed away unexpectedly.

I'm wondering how the situation is now, seven months later? Any updates?