[huno]

Entire story merged

Hey everyone,

About two months ago I started seeing a girl and we've really hit it off (I'm 30, she's 29). The conversations are great, we laugh a lot, and by the third date (two weeks after we'd met) it was really clear we were attracted to each other (lots of making out, constantly hugging/holding each other, etc.). We'd talk/text every day and say we miss each other, say sweet things/compliments, etc.; it's like we're newlyweds. I really like this girl and we have a ton in common (similar upbringing/cultural background, both professionals, both want long-term relationships, etc.). I'd dated other girls since I broke up with my ex November of last year but none have made me feel the way this girl does.

I've really let my guard down with her. Normally I'd try to not be so available, or I'd try to keep from really pouring out my feelings to someone I've just started dating, but since she's made herself so available to me and she's gotten to telling me I'm amazing, wonderful, she misses me, she "likes me more every time we see each other," etc. I've definitely reciprocated and I've told her several times I really like her, too.

So, the problem... Last Thursday she left with a bunch of friends on a week-long trip to the Caribbean, and she texted me yesterday morning with a phone number I could call her at. I called her both yesterday evening and today and our conversations were kind of bland... she didn't say she missed me, nor did she say anything about wanting to see me when she gets back. I could elaborate more but let's say the conversation sounded like one between a brother and sister.

She even said that once she gets back (this Wednesday night) she needs a couple of days to recuperate, which I can understand but the fact that she had to call it out kind of sounded like she was actively telling me she didn't want to see me.

Anyway, the phone calls bothered me; it was a pretty big change from the "honeymoon" mode we were in just before she left.

I am trying to shrug this off and go about my own life so I don' obsess over these details, but because we were so into each other just before the trip, I think I'm having a freak-out. Maybe it's just that she's in "vacation mode" and she's all about having a good time right now, which would naturally mean she's not really thinking about me, and things will go back to normal when she gets back.

I think this all shouldn't bother me, but I want your opinions. Also, I've had recurring experiences with girls I've dated who really get into me right away, then suddenly have a change of heart a month or two into dating. I want to know what I can do to keep us on a good path when she's back. How should I act if, when I next see her, she doesn't act all cuddly and warm and all that? Do I try and act like we were before? Act aloof and distant and try and "make her chase me?"

All thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated, thanks! Fire away!

[peepers]

Well its like this.. a woman does not want a man that is so emotional you need to act like it don't bother you and make her chase you, we all want what we can't have not saying you don't but don't make it so obvious and slow down jumping in so soon and moving to fst will ruin your relationship. Every one needs time away or how can you ever miss them or know what its like to be wwithout them! I think you are putting too much thought in the matter, give her.. her time and when she gets back invite her to a movie and dinner and then take her home give her a few days and if she doesn't contact you then move on you will find another one just like you found her and if its not meant to be then it is what it is.. good luck

[adro_is_hurting]

I also think you are putting way too much thought into it. She didn't say she missed you or wanted to see you, but think about it man. If you were on a vacation with your boys would you be a luvvy duvvy with her on the phone in front of them? Espcially since you guys aren't together, maybe some of her friends don't even know about what you guys and she feels embarressed/uncomfortable being like that on the phone with you in front of them. Be happy she contacted you while she was on vacation, at least you know she was thinking of you. And so what if the convos were "bland," not every conversation you're going to have with her is going to be a best selling novel.

As for your other question, I would definitely have her contact you 1st when she gets back. If she does, then suggest to go out somewhere with her. I would start by acting aloof and see how she reacts to it. Maybe little by little get closer and do little cute stuff with her and see how she reacts. But don't go out of your way to make her chase you. If she seems like she had lost interest, then I suggest you do the same. Don't change who you are/what you do for someone you barely met/know. She's not worth it.

Hope this helps man, keep us updated on things go and come back for any other advice/to vent. This site really helped me get through my tough time.

[huno]

Thanks you two; adro, I think you're right -- if I were on vacation I wouldn't be thinking about her constantly either, and I wouldn't be saying things around them that I'd say when I'm alone with her. For now I'm going to do my thing and focus on work and working out and having fun while she's away, and then hopefully things pick up where we left off when she's back. Thanks!

[answerme_tender]

Huno,

You aren't leaving anything to wonder about, to imagine. You maybe talking and texting too much for just beginning a relationship (if you know what I mean). Just keep the conversations to once a day until you have really established a bonding relationship, where you have done more together and have gotten to know each others friends, so you have more in common to talk about.

[talaniman]

The other posters have given you some very excellent advice, so pay attention to it. Relax, and stop trying so hard, and enjoy getting to know this stranger better. Way to soon to be tripping over the small stuff.

[huno]

Hello again, talented helpers! I need wisdom...

So I'm still seeing this girl I'd met a while back and things have been going pretty well. But I feel like sometimes she has these changes in her behavior and her language and I pick up on them and they make me think she's not interested.

When we're out we're usually kissing, hugging, holding hands and just being affectionate. She also texts and emails me sometimes on her own, which I like. But every so often her attitude changes... I saw her Friday and we were really intimate, and then I saw her again Sunday and she seemed distant, I had to really work to get her to be talkative or engage in conversation. I hate those fluctuations, I feel like I can't get a good read on her. This makes me question if she's really interested in me...

I also pick up on changes in how she texts me... she used to start them with "hey prince charming" or "hey handsome" or things like that, but lately she hasn't been using that kind of language. I also feel like she doesn't respond well to my compliments anymore.

Am I obsessing over details too much? I know we haven't been seeing each other that long but I am REALLY into this girl, and for a while it seemed like she was just as into me. I try my best to keep myself busy so I don't think about her, but I can't help it -- my mind is all over the place, wondering if she's into me or not. I haven't been this into someone in a long time and I don't want to lose her...

[answerme_tender]

Is there any reason you couldn't just sit down and talk to her about the relationship. See how she feels the relationship, if she feels its at same level as you.

You don't have to act over anxious or smothering just simply ask her how does she feel about you guys being a couple. Then go from there.

Take care

[huno]

Is there any reason you couldnt just sit down and talk to her about the relationship. See how she feels the relationship, if she feels its at same level as you.

You dont have to act over anxious or smothering just simply ask her how does she feel about you guys being a couple. Then go from there.

Thanks... honestly I'm afraid I'll come off as needy or like I'm asking for a lot, especially since it hasn't been a very long time (2 months).

A part of me feels like I still need to 'court' her, like my job is still to win her over.

[answerme_tender]

2 months, well I have been dating my gentleman for about same amount of time. I agree that you should still be courting, that is what I expect from my gentleman.

Of course we are both divorced. Only child still at home is my son. So we are probably at different stages in our lives.

I have to agree not to over analyze this, just enjoy this relationship, don't smother her. Also be very cautious that she doesn't pickup on you trying to analyze everything, she may feel that you are trying to catch her at something. No one likes that feeling. I would also add this that I was reminded by answering another post---It takes at least 3months for someone to really start showing some of their real personality. Most people cannot fake it any longer then that amount of time. So see what happens in the next month or so---But, hey good luck!!

[TSWLM]

Just thought I'd let you know. I'm going through almost the same thing as you so you're not alone. You can read some of what happened/is happening here if you want.

I ended up just giving her some space and backing off a little and it seems to be working out so far. I am starting to think that when relationships start so passionately one of the two starts to doubt things when it cools down. My girl went through a period where she got really cold and didn't want to have any contact (text/phone/in person) at all. Now though she is back to wondering how my day was and giving my random texts/calls just to talk. I know she is still a little confused and doubtful but she is slowly coming back to me.

They way I now see it, doubt and confusion are only natural with any process. If she really cares about you and there really is a possibility for a future, she will come back eventually; she just needs time and space to work things out in her own mind.

Hope this helps you out as I know how tough it can be sometimes.

P.s. I don't know if there is a private message thing on this site but since both of us are going through such similar situations it might be cool to see how things work out for both of us.

[huno]

"Also be very cautious that she doesnt pickup on you trying to analyze everything, she may feel that you are trying to catch her at something. No one likes that feeling." This is key advice, thank you!

Thanks TSWLM; I'm not ready to say she's dumping me yet, but I am just very aware of these subtle changes that she has and when that happens, I start to analyze every little thing she does and it makes me question where I stand with her.

Yesterday morning she asked me to call her in the evening, and I called at 7:30, but got her voicemail and left a message. I called again an hour later and got her voicemail again, so I left it at that. This morning she wrote, "Morning sunshine, sorry, slept at 8. Call me tonight" I can understand that she was tired but if she went to bed at 8, she was up at 7:30 and could have sent me a text before going to bed saying she was tired and couldn't talk...

Anyway, I've been talking with some friends about this and they think that I'm just torturing myself... they say she could be tired, stressed, had a terrible day or even be on her cycle and not have the motivation to be as sweet and attentive as she was before. I really want to believe that... I mean, logically it makes sense but my emotions overwhelm me and I can't really think straight.

I want to keep myself busy so I don't think about her as much because whenever the thoughts come, I feel like I can't concentrate on anything but her. I can't help it; I really like this girl and haven't felt this strongly about someone in a long time...

[answerme_tender]

Huno,

I would make this suggestion, its nice when a man chases. But there is also a time when he has been chasing and she is being flat out disrespectful.

I would simply text her back and say No problem understand tired, but won't be able to call tonight have plans, would tomorrow night be okay? Just see what she has to say, not let her think that you don't have a life of you own. Just a thought.

[huno]

answerme_tender, do you really think she was being disrespectful with this last thing? I guess I want to believe she might have just gotten home exhausted...

If this becomes a pattern then I have reason to worry... I guess I am wondering when it's a legitimate sign that she's losing interest.

[huno]

And maybe I'm expecting too much, too soon... I mean, maybe all that passionate stuff that was happening early on was kind of pushing too fast and maybe she wants to slow down... could that also be it?

[answerme_tender]

Huno,

We both have been our own relationships for about same amount of time. So I will answer yes, I think she is plain dis-respectful. I look forward to my gentleman calling every night to discuss our days. Its not that long of a call, but its nice to just speak with each other. We get together and go out on weekends.

I think its kind of strange that she is sooooo tired that she couldn't even take your call. Or like you said even text you this morning.

I don't think your over analyzing this relaltionship, I think if it was a wet rag you would have rung out as much liquid as you possible can!!

If you want to keep trying and see if its just because she is being cautious then by all means keep pursuing her. I would put the brakes on letting your feelings develop for her, until you get a better understanding with her.

[talaniman]

When we over analyze things its usually because we are to eager to do whatever it takes to succeed. That's when we see things maybe not so clearly. Maybe we have put too much into a person, and our lives become unbalanced in a unhealthy way. Maybe we have lost the ability to have fun and enjoy this person. Maybe we are just trying to hard, and need to relax.

One thing is obvious, your fear of losing her is growing, and now you tighten your grip on the idea of keeping it going. Relax, stop trying so hard, and let things develop naturally. Knowing when to back off is what you have to learn, and always have something else to do with yourself. Always.

The first few months should be worry free, light and casual, and mostly fun as you get acquainted, just to see if there is anything to build on. You do yourself a disservice trying to read everything, so you can do things right. Where's the fun in that?

You think maybe acting like a couple sometimes means you are one? I don't think so, and whether she is tired or just wants to slow down some, back off, and get the other parts of your life cranking. You are to deep to see anything, and have to regroup, and not hold on so tight.

No this is not the time to try and define what this is or where its going, but to maintain yourself, and your own confidence and be open minded to what's actually happening here. You are to carried away and need to slow down and be realistic because when you are so hooked on the idea of her in just a few months, you will miss some things you really need to know and pay attention to. So get her off that pedestal, and don't be in such a hurry to make her the queen of your life.

That's a really big mistake to do with a stranger whom you don't know if she deserves all this attention, or will appreciate it.

[huno]

Thanks talaniman, that was well-put and it helped tremendously to read that. It's especially true that I want this to work badly, and when it felt like it's slipping away, even the slightest bit, I've panicked and felt like I need to do anything and everything to hold on tight.

I've tried my best to keep busy and putting her out of my mind so I'm not so infatuated with her. I've started practicing the guitar and asking friends to hang out more often, so I'm off doing things on my own.

It's worked OK, I don't feel so anxious about the details in what she writes or says. Lately we've talked and texted more often, and I can still sense that her enthusiasm has waned since our last date.

I'm going to see her tomorrow, and I'm wondering how to act. We talked a while ago and I said, "Last Sunday feels like forever ago, I feel like we'll have to re-acquaint ourselves tomorrow;" her response was, "Yeah, I agree, let's get to know each other all over again." I almost feel like that's true: I'm not expecting her to be as close and intimate with me as we were last week because she definitely stopped using such flowery language with me since last Sunday. But I want to bring those feelings back in her. Deep down, I'm afraid that if things don't go absolutely perfect tomorrow, she'll be bored with me and won't want to see me.

[CarrotTalker]

I'm going to see her tomorrow, and I'm wondering how to act. We talked a while ago and I said, "Last Sunday feels like forever ago, I feel like we'll have to re-acquaint ourselves tomorrow;" her response was, "Yeah, I agree, let's get to know each other all over again." I almost feel like that's true: I'm not expecting her to be as close and intimate with me as we were last week because she definitely stopped using such flowery language with me since last Sunday. But I want to bring those feelings back in her.

See this is where your going wrong. It sounds like she's looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, why are you interpreting it so negatively. She's talking about the joy of getting to know someone, that's a good thing!

Deep down, I'm afraid that if things don't go absolutely perfect tomorrow, she'll be bored with me and won't want to see me

It's almost like your setting yourself up for failure before you even do anything. Thinking like this can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[huno]

See this is where your going wrong. It sounds like she's looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, why are you interpreting it so negatively. She's talking about the joy of getting to know someone, that's a good thing!

You're right, I am looking at this negatively and I need to stop. The reason it bugs me is that we were so close before... She was talking about introducing me to her family and we were making all sorts of future date plans, and that all suddenly stopped. I can "feel" it through her texts.

Because we were on such a high and now suddenly our conversations have become more mundane, it bothers me.

It's almost like your setting yourself up for failure before you even do anything. Thinking like this can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Just before I go out, I'm going to repeat to myself that this will be a great date. That always gets me into a positive mood.

Tonight my goal is to make our date fun, to make her laugh and to let her know I'm interested without pushing for anything or without any expectations.