[Aurora_Bell]

Oi, so where to begin. My daughter is 3 and she goes to a public daycare. She has been at this daycare for basically 3 years now. She LOVES it. She is always talking about her friends and teachers, the progress reports that get sent home make me cry they are so amazing, she just totally excels there.

For the past few months my daughter has to be separated from another 3 year old boy. Her teachers say they are always hugging and cuddling. My daughter lays on him when they have story time, he gets mad when other boys sit by her when they eat lunch. In fact this young boy got into trouble for hitting another boy who shoved my daughter.They always want to hold hands when they go on walks, and she has no interest in playing with the other girls at all. Well today they were caught under a table playing doctor. As I write this I am half laughing, because how serious can it be at age 3?

My daughter is NOT exposed to any sexual behavior, I am a single mother, so it's not like she see's anything in our home and I am very cautious what I watch on TV when she is around. I asked her about it today, and she kind of seemed embarrassed. But she said the little boy checked her eyes, her ears, her elbows and knee's and then she told me she lifted her shirt for him to check her tummy. My question is, am I taking this too lightly or not seriously enough? Her daycare teachers are concerned about how much time they spend together.

I tried to talk to her about in-appropriate and appropriate behavior but she just kind of looked at me like I had 3 heads. Explained about private parts being private, but now I think I put the idea into her head about private parts she kind of had a curious look on her face. I think I made things worse then what they were. Any tips on how to fix or approach this?

[jenniepepsi]

Mmm sounds like normal 3 year old behavior to me lol. My 7 year old has her little 'boyfriend' that she hangs out with and suggles and cuddles with.

It always bugs me when I hear schools or daycares discouraging healthy innocent affection. :( its no wonder the teens start experimenting younger and younger, considering all the taboo adults put on hugs. That's why I like my daughters current teacher. She LOVEs to hug the kids

Wow sorry went off on a tangent :P

Anyway, still, sounds normal to me.

[Alty]

I would ask the teachers if they'd be this concerned if E's friend was another girl.

They're 3, it's innocent. So he got a glimpse of her belly, big whoop. In ten years I'd worry, but not now.

I think it was a good idea to tell her about private parts and keeping them private. Keeping your shirt down in public is a good idea, unless you're in New Orleans during Mardi gras, because then you get jewelry for flashing people. ;)

How do the little boys parents feel about all of this?

[jenniepepsi]

Good question alty. How do the boys parents feel? Is the daycare the only ones witlh a problem lol

[JudyKayTee]

If the daycare teachers have any training and experience I would listen to them. They (presumably) are the "experts" when it comes to this type of behavior.

Did you ask specifically what "playing Doctor" meant? I know what your daughter said, based on her vocabulary and understanding, but what (if anything) did the teachers see?

And I agree. The teachers talked to you. Did they talk to the parents of the boy? If he instigated this behavior he may be copying behavior he has seen - undoubtedly in an innocent fashion.

[Aurora_Bell]

Well I just finished speaking with the day care worker, and she told me that it's not so much a sexual thing, but the fact that they are sneaking off and hiding in order to rub each others backs and hold hands. When they sit beside each other, they rub each others legs and arms and hold hands.

My daughter is very affectionate, and now she is being separated from her best friend. Last night when I spoke to E, she became visibly upset at the fact that her and this boy were not able to play together anymore. I have seen her become upset in the heat of a situation, but never after re thinking about it. And she was very, very sad that her and this little boy were not allowed to play together.

The teacher said it wasn't so much a sexual act, but more about learning boundaries, and E and this boy have been overly affectionate towards each other. To the point when they were separated, they both stopped playing and became depressed and clingy to the teachers. When they were told to play with other groups of children, both kids separated themselves from the group and played by themselves. They said that E has always been very independent, but increasingly more clingy to both the little boy and the teachers.

They have not talked to this boys mom yet, but are hoping to do so today. I don't want E to feel punished, when she hasn't done anything wrong. And she does feel that she is being punished. I don't think it is wrong to show affection to someone you care about, especially when the affection is returned and welcomed. I am not talking about sexual behavior, but hugging, rubbing each others back, and holding hands. What do you guys think is too much affection?

[jenniepepsi]

I suppose I do agree with the daycare teacher about learning boundarys. But I can remember in 3rd grade, I would sneak off with my 'boyfriend' (we THOUGHT we were BF/GF, we were just trying to be like the big kids lol) and he would rub my feet so I would rub his feet. Lol.

It all just seem so innocent to me.
I agree with you I wouldn't want her to feel punished either. When my daughter was kissing and hugging her best friend last year, I explained to her that there is a time and place for affection. His mother didn't mind and agreed with me, that as long as they refrianed from hugs and kisses and cuddles at school, neither of us had a problem with them spending more affectionate time after school hours together.

We DO want our children to understand that there is a time and place for affection, be it physical, sexual, emotional, or what.
But we also don't want to impress that it is bad.

I'm sorry your dealing with this hon. I wish I had better answers other than talking to the boys mother and see if some play dates outside of school could be set up if she agrees that there is nothing wrong with their affection

[Alty]

In our school there are strict rules about touching on school grounds. While they're in school it's a strict "keep your hands to yourself" policy. At first I found it a bit odd, but it does make sense. There are rules everywhere you go. When she gets older it will be important to know that you can't just hug and kiss whenever you want. There are times and places that this is okay. It's not an easy lesson to learn for an affectionate child.

Some of the kids find this very hard to accept. Sydney is my huggy kissy kid. She hugs everyone. She'd hug the garbage man if he stopped long enough for her to get to him. It was hard for her to understand when she was younger. But, putting the onus on the school, talking to her and making her understand that it's a school rule, and that's that, helped a lot. She's still affectionate, but at school she follows the rules, because that's what's expected at the school.

Maybe let E know that this is a school rule, that you don't think that showing affection is a bad thing in private, but that the school has rules and she and her little friend have to follow those rules.

I would still speak to the mom, ask her if she's concerned about this. If not, then both of you should talk to the school, tell them that separating the kids isn't okay. It's like they're being punished for being affectionate. What does that teach them?

But, I would also talk to both of the kids, let them know that touching in school is not allowed, that they can play, but they need to keep their hands to themselves. It's great that the care about each other, but touching isn't the only way to show that they care.

I'd also set up play dates with other kids, so she doesn't form an attachment to just one child. They obviously adore each other, which is great, but I think the daycare is right that they need to expand their horizons. They do need to play with other kids, not just each other.

[Aurora_Bell]

So I spoke with the director of the daycare today, and she is not concerned about it at all. Neither is the second teacher in the class. After thinking, and thinking about the whole situation, I have decided to let it go.

The thing is, there are no rules in place at her school about holding hands and hugging. I did ask if she would have been that concerned if it were two girls being so affectionate, and the teacher said no. So... I am lead to believe it's the teacher seeing something dark and nasty, when it's completely innocent. This teacher says very strange things. Like out of the blue, she told my mom that she was on the pill since she was 12... Who tells people that kind of stuff? Also this teacher has told me personal things about other kids, like their learning disabilities and about how they can't talk etc...

I will work on boundaries with E, and I will continue to teach her that it's not appropriate all the time. But I will not punish her for hugging her friends. Thanks for all the insight guys. I knew I could count on you all.

[jenniepepsi]

Im glad you got it all figured out hon. I would actually complain about this teacher if this is her normal behavior. It sends red flags to me. :(

[JudyKayTee]

Agree with Jennie - sounds like the problem is the teacher, not the kids.