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scairedlimp · Jan 13, 2011, 08:57 AM

My wife told me about the crush after a verry close encounter with my friend and his wife. It didn't go well. I got scaired and stopped. A few weeks later, after the close encounter, my wife said (with tear in her eyes)"i hope that he doesn't hate me". A week or so later we got together for a christmas party a another friends house, his wife was hitting on me hard and my wife was flirting with him in front of all of my other friends. As the night went on I told my friends wife that I had no interest, and shortly after she talked her husband into taking her home, as they were leaving, he said in stern comment to the group "i'll be back for her", when he got back we were talking about getting a cab ride home, he got verry upset and tried to pick a fight with me. My was scared quiet because I would have hurt him badly(I've got skills)and would have been arrested. It took me a long time, with promting, to talk to him. Now my wife misses partying with them and is pushing me into partying with them again. She told me that nothing will happen, but I just don't know if I can trust him after he told me that he has wanted my wife ever since he met her, and she told me that she is verry attracted to him. She told me that on more than one occasion he has said"i should take you to the back room anyway". I've told my wife several times that it is not going to happen, and she seems to understand how I feel. As of late I've been having trouble in bed. I know the problem is stress about the situation, but how do I get past it.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 13, 2011, 09:52 AM

Maybe you and your wife can do some counseling.
I'm wondering what is going on in your wife's head. You two don't seem to be on the same page. Are you sure it was not something more than a close encounter?
I don't understand her being worried about this guy being upset and not you.

answerme_tender · Jan 13, 2011, 10:47 AM

I agree with Homegirl you need to get into counseling with your wife. Your wife has the hots for this guy and is very open about the swinging issue. You need to know that even if you don't participate, she is at a rocky place in your marriage and is interested in seeking outside influences. It could be with this guy or someone else.

Try and talk to her openly and see if she would be willing to go to counseling, even if she isn't you need to go for yourself. You need someone that you can talk to without judgement. Who can give you help with what is happening due to your stress.

In mean time I certainly wouldn't encourage being around this couple. But, I would try hanging out with other couples (who are not into swinging). Show her that you want to have friends and go out with other couples, but just not that couple. Take care

talaniman · Jan 13, 2011, 11:09 AM

You are afraid and insecure about the motives and actions of your wife and what she wants. That's highly understandable. Hate to say this, but you had better pay attention and nip this in the bud. Squash the issue completely, how??

Tell her this lifestyle and the people who do it, have no place in your lives, and that a healthier group of friends is what IS going to happen. If she cannot deal with it, then she can leave yesterday. The key here is that you have to be perfectly fine with kicking her to the curb, and standing by YOUR decision, no matter what.

Her trying to stretch your own boundaries is behind your feelings of inadequacy, as you feel like you are not enough for your freaky deaky open minded wife, and have little or no control over the situation. You do have control, but requires you to TAKE total control.

Do you understand??

Homegirl 50 · Jan 13, 2011, 12:26 PM

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

scairedlimp · Jan 13, 2011, 05:00 PM

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

Who is talaniman? I've never been on this site before.

Comment on talaniman's post

I did, divorce is out of the question(for both of us), and her last husband was a complete control freak.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 13, 2011, 05:07 PM

Talaniman is an expert here, his post was before mine.

talaniman · Jan 13, 2011, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by scairedlimp

Comment on talaniman's post
i did, divorce is out of the question(for both of us), and her last husband was a complete control freak.

Do you believe she has gotten over her crush for this fellow? Do you have anger over her attitude following this incident? How did you deal with your anger over this incident?

scairedlimp · Apr 18, 2012, 01:45 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you believe she has gotten over her crush for this fellow? Do you have anger over her attitude following this incident? How did you deal with your anger over this incident?

It's been a long time since I've been on. Shortly after my first post she began with the texting thing. Over 5000 texts in just over a month ($750.00+ in overages) to this guy. Had to get rid of it, but she found how to text from her computer(same thing happened). She assured me that nothing was going on, but the texting thing still continued. I tried to be supportive and started to go visit with them again. I was the one who had to mend the fence so to speak. Everything was fine for a couple of months, but then they started to do the same all over again, so I broke it off with them, she didn't. She made sure to let me know that she wasn't doing anything and she wasn't going to let go of the only female friend she has for me. The guy is a coworker that I see almost every day. Been shunning him at work, the other coworkers have noticed and they have heard rumors. Most have started to do the same. But now he thinks that I want to get him fired(not me) and that I want to kill him(not true) and he complaned to my wife. She said that the stress is killing him and that I should stop the rumor mill. So I tried to talk to him. My wife told me that they don't want to be the cause of our divorce so he has stopped trying to bed her. Both he and I have family as coworkers, mine is a dept. head. His wife did get mad at them and did have "the talk" with my wife. That worked for a few weeks. Why should I be the one to mend fences with them, they are the ones that didn't even try to talk to me first, they started the whole thing?

Homegirl 50 · Apr 18, 2012, 02:40 AM

I think you wife is acting childish and disrespectful.
I don't think it is your place to mend any fences. Your wife and this couple started this mess.
You're a good one because she would have been history. I would have left her behind. She can swing if that is what she chooses I guess, but her loyalty should be to you and your marriage. I see the guys wife put your wife in her place. Your wife should have put this other man in his place.

talaniman · Apr 18, 2012, 07:26 AM

The only outcome you are responsible for is your wife leaving these people alone. You tell him, and your wife this stops now, and you will not tolerate this level of disrespect.

She says she is doing nothing is a joke. She has infected the marriage and your work life, in very bad ways. That's not control, that's just being honest. Enough, is enough.

scairedlimp · Apr 22, 2012, 09:14 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

The only outcome you are responsible for is your wife leaving these people alone. You tell him, and your wife this stops now, and you will not tolerate this level of disrespect.

She says she is doing nothing is a joke. She has infected the marriage and your work life, in very bad ways. Thats not control, thats just being honest. Enough, is enough.

Just this weekend my wife and I did try to set up a summit with the other couple, but they backed out(not suprised) to bring an and to the bs. I need to believe that it will end well, and I don't really want to do anything to hurt anybody, but if things keep going like they are things will get verry messy. What I need is a way for the bs to stop before something does happen.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 23, 2012, 03:21 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman
The only outcome you are responsible for is your wife leaving these people alone. You tell him, and your wife this stops now, and you will not tolerate this level of disrespect.

This is what you need to do.

JudyKayTee · Apr 23, 2012, 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by scairedlimp

just this weekend my wife and i did try to set up a a summit with the other couple, but they backed out(not suprised) to bring an and to the bs. i need to belive that it will end well, and i dont really want to do anything to hurt anybody, but if things keep going like they are things will get verry messy. what i need is a way for the bs to stop befor something does happen.

I don't think you know if you want in or out or a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with the other couple. If you did you'd stop thinking about them, letting them control your life. Do you think anything you say is going to stop the "bs" (your words)?

And if that's the life style your wife has chosen and not the life style you want, tell her so - AND WALK AWAY.

Your wife is behaving in this manner because she can, with your permission. I see a lot of posturing and very little action.

Stop being a victim and take control of your own life. That means taking control of YOUR life out of her hands and out of the hands of these "friends." You can't control her or them. You CAN control you.