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Jayto · Jan 13, 2007, 11:20 AM

We have been married for 8 years. My husband has always liked to drink and he is very sociable and has many friends. Over the last few years, he has been going out with friends and not coming home. He will not call me to let me know he has drank too much and will be staying somewhere to sleep it off. I have had countless sleepless nights worrying something has happened to him.

This morning he arrived home at 9am. When I asked him where he was, he was extremely mean and told me to leave the room. I told him I wouldn't as I am his wife and deserve an answer. He then told me where he slept, which wasn't where he told me he was going last night. When I asked why he ended up at a different place, he told me to "f"-off.

We do not have children. If we did, I wouldn't be here as that is no life for a child. I am angry and hurt to have been spoken to that way, especially after being up all night worried.

What should I do? He is losing all respect for me and I don't know why. I don't stay out all night... I won't go behind the wheel after two glasses of wine.

Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

kitty girl · Jan 13, 2007, 12:12 PM

You should follow him and see where he gose and then you can detict who he's hanging out with.
It sounds to me like he's cheating on you but I don't know that much so find out where he is and what he's doing and then decied what to do

chippers · Jan 13, 2007, 12:42 PM

First of all, he's agrown man responsible for his actions.like getting behind the wheel after drinking. He's the one who'll end up paying the consequences for his actions. Secondly, staying up and worrying over him will not help the situation. He doesn't appreciate the caring woman you are. Nor does the louse deserve it. He's angry because he's put on the spot and make to account for his behavior. By telling you to leav e the room he's ashamed of his actions and can't face you. His shame is redirected in anger toward you.
If he's drinking so much he has to sleep it off somewhere or has a personality change(as he seems to) he has a drinking problem.
If it were me in your situation I'd tell him when he's sober that he has a choice AA and me. That the drinking will not be tolerated.
You need to worry about yourself because he clearly isn't. If the drinking continues, I'd make arrangements to move out. Trying to keep him out will only get ugly.
You need to cocern yourself with your own self respect not regaining his. You'll need to be strong and stand your ground. Giving in on the first time he promises to stop drinking will weaken your stance for the next 10 times.
It's not that you need to get his respect back but that HE needs to regain YOUR trust and respect.
Good luck and God Bless

CaptainForest · Jan 13, 2007, 08:11 PM

Originally Posted by Jayto

We do not have children. If we did, I wouldn't be here as that is no life for a child.

If this is no life for a child, then it is no life for you either.

This behaviour is unacceptable no matter if you have children or not.

Put it to him plain and simply, either he stops it and goes to counselling with you or you are out of the house and marriage!

He has no right to treat his wife like this and you shouldn’t stick around with him if he continues to treat you worse than the piece of dirt on the street.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 13, 2007, 08:41 PM

I would change the locks about midnight and let him figure it out in the morning, When he is served with divorce papers.

think_pink · Jan 13, 2007, 09:08 PM

What I think is that , that's not a life!! You stay up worrieng about him and he doesn't care ! I think instead of staying up and worrieng follow him and find out what he does and after take your dicition. Staying up and waiting for him and worriying won't work

Allheart · Jan 14, 2007, 03:09 PM

Chippers - had to spread it... but great response!!

Hi Jayto,

Your heart must be in your mouth every time he is late coming home or doesn't show at all. He doesn't have respect for YOU ? Jayto, he should be concerend about You having repsect for him.

Your husband is in need of help. You can call an organization, such as AA and ask for advice as to how best to approach him and also if there is meetings that you can attend, such as ALANON ( I think that is how you spell it.)

Jayto, this behaviour of his will not stop, he has no reason to stop it, unless, he gets hurt out there, or God forbid hurts someone else out there. Then it will be too late for everyone.

If I were you, I would dig way down and get some strength. Call and find out about AA and approach your husband with the numbers and times of meetings. You tell him that you will no longer tolerate living like this and he needs to either sober up or you are leaving.

Jayto, sometimes when they are so down in the well like he is, people have no clue or ambition to pull themselves out. A dose of reality is what is needed.

Do this for yourself. Please don't suffer through another night wondering where he is and if he is okay. I know that heartache and it is nothing short of hell.

Bless you Jayto,

Allheart

nwsflash · Jan 14, 2007, 03:29 PM

I think you need to really kick is a@@ into gear ! This is no way to be treated and he seems to want to be a single guy running around getting drunk etc, I would lay the cards out on the table and tell him that he needs to seek help and stop hitting the bottle so much or you will ensure that he has his single life on his own.

I understand that its very hard because you love this guy even after all the things that he is doing and the way he is treating you! You say that you are worried that he is losing repsect for you, by the way he has spoken to you and the things he does, I think you need to stop showing him so much respect until he pulls his act together.

AKaeTrue · Jan 14, 2007, 03:33 PM

If drinking is a problem for your husband, it is true that he needs help getting help. But I feel for you, it's not the easiest loving someone with an addiction. You spill out your love to them and they spill over for their love of drugs and alcohol.
Hope things get better for you and your situation. If not, you should think about your quality of life and do what is necessary for you. People say that as long as the addict is allowed to get away with their behavior it will just keep getting worse and that they have to hit rock bottom before they have a care in the world about other people again - I believe this to be true.

Worriedaboutlewis · Jan 17, 2007, 09:38 AM

Originally Posted by Jayto

We have been married for 8 years. My husband has always liked to drink and he is very sociable and has many friends. Over the last few years, he has been going out with friends and not coming home. He will not call me to let me know he has drank too much and will be staying somewhere to sleep it off. I have had countless sleepless nights worrying something has happened to him.

This morning he arrived home at 9am. When I asked him where he was, he was extremely mean and told me to leave the room. I told him I wouldn't as I am his wife and deserve an answer. He then told me where he slept, which wasn't where he told me he was going last night. When I asked why he ended up at a different place, he told me to "f"-off.

We do not have children. If we did, I wouldn't be here as that is no life for a child. I am angry and hurt to have been spoken to that way, especially after being up all night worried.

What should I do? He is losing all respect for me and I don't know why. I don't stay out all night ... I won't go behind the wheel after two glasses of wine.

Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

You are carzy to stay with him - get out of there fast and make a new life for yourself - you are right he has no respect and it is not good enough for any human being to be spoken to like that

Worriedaboutlewis · Jan 17, 2007, 09:40 AM

[QUOTE=Worriedaboutlewis]

You are crazy to stay with him - you are right he has no respect for you and no human being should be spoken to like that you deserve much better. So get out and make a new life for yourself and maybe find someone who will have that respect for you that everyone deserves!!

KennyJ · Jan 17, 2007, 10:03 AM

I would really like to hear his opinion about the way you treat him. Only then could I give my real thoughts. But seeing it your way I just think he might like time away from married life with the boys. It doesn't necessarily mean he is cheating on you. Try talking to him on a good day when he is sober before he goes out. Let him know your feelings in a calm manner

Good Luck

rtdc · Jan 17, 2007, 10:08 AM

Well your right its not a place or a life for children but its also not a place you deserve to live in either I think you should tell him how you and tell him that he needs to start giving the respect you deserve... and maybe he can go out with you a little more and out with his friends a little less.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 17, 2007, 10:24 AM

Sounds like he is a very abusive husband. Verbally, I hope not physically. Although Emotional wounds can be more scaring and harmful then physical. Right away, I thought. This guy is cheating. I agree with Father, Divorce papers are a must. I know many people preach of marriage is forever, but there are circumstances and situations that do call for a divorce, and this is one of them.

Joe

Jayto · Jan 17, 2007, 01:33 PM

Thank you for your opinions... they are greatly appreciated.

My husband is not abusive physically in any way. He doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body. His outlook toward life is simple... work hard, play hard. He has extremely high work ethics, and I respect that of him (always have), but his "playing" gets way out of hand.

I have asked for him to do more things together... even go for a drive or a walk, but he feels it's a waste of time and there is always something more important to do. I am a home body and he isn't. We've always known that of each other and it used to work, but now he's away more than he is home.

I need to add: He has had a home based business for almost two years. I lost my career due to a disability over two years ago. I have always supported myself financially, none of that has changed, but of course I'm now home more than usual as is he. I understand the need to get away from the home and business, but I also need to get away and am never included.

As for my treatment toward him, I have been nothing but supportive and respectful. I think he's lost respect for me due the loss of my career, but that is very hurtful as this situation was out of my control and I could certainly use some support through it all.

I don't think he is being unfaithful... he's not that type. But when he drinks too much, he will find a party with anyone... even people much younger than him (he's 41). That not only bothers me, but it's also embarrassing and I lose respect for him.

He said to me he didn't mind if I left... we would put the house up for sale and that would be that. He would have to start his business all over again, but he's crazy enough to risk that before even trying counselling. We haven't been intimate in months, and he rarely even touches me. I'm told I'm very attractive and could have any man I want, but when it boils right down to it I just want him.

So, still confused and looking for answers. Thanks for your support.

kanicky73 · Jan 17, 2007, 01:45 PM

I very very firmly agree that you should follow him some night. Lets face it, its much more effective when you catch someone "red handed" so to speak. And that is exactly what I would do. Then he can't avoid your questions the way he has been, or tell you to leave the room or F@#% off. He will have to fess up right then and there and explain himself. Then there is no question in his mind when he gets the divorce papers, he will know exactly why!! Catch him in the act sister!!

JoeCanada76 · Jan 17, 2007, 03:42 PM

You might not think he may be the type to cheat, but his actions speak louder then words.

kayeuk90 · Jan 17, 2007, 03:47 PM

Ditch him love, no man should treat his wife this way. Swearing to a loved one is UGLY.
Good luck x

chippers · Jan 18, 2007, 06:38 AM

He took the same vows you did hun. In sickness and in health. Your career loss was not in your control. How would he think if the tables were turned and he lost his business because of drinking. (which given his love of partying could happen). Your love is unconditional while he is blind to it. You deserve better in life hun. Take the reins of your life and lead on. Chippers

Tuscany · Jan 18, 2007, 07:07 AM

Did he honestly say that you could leave and that the house could just be put up for sale?

If he did that speaks volumes as to what he thinks about your relationship. Obviously if he is not willing to work on things with you then the marriage does not mean as much to him as it does to you. But from the sounds of things his actions have been showing that for quite some time.

He needs help. Any person that drinks that much, drives, and does not come home has a problem. He might be resistant to it, but that is the truth. But you need help too. Look for an Alanon meeting in your area. His drinking affects you, and there you will get the support you need.

Please consider leaving him. This is not the life that you deserve, nor is he the man that you deserve.