[crying]

So, my ex-husband and I separated the end of 2008. We had a pretty rough separation but a few weeks later we started talking and working through things, at least I thought. We were separated for a couple months and I expressed to him that I really wanted to stay with him and laid out all our options and told him if we need to stay separated for a while that's fine. A few days after the conversation he told me divorce was the best and that's what he wanted. Through all of that the divorce was easy and amicable. Even though I was heart broken we still acted as if we were still together even though we never said it. I had my suspisions he was seeing other people, and all the signs were there but I guess I choose to not believe it. We took a break in the summer of 2009 and then he begged for back, so I agreed. Then in December of 2009 he made suggestions for our relationship to end, that never happened and we continued our relationship. BTW we have a 3 year old daughter. August 2010 a woman messages me and tells me that my daughter has a little brother and that my ex and her were seeing each other right after we separated up until February 2010. To make a long story short, I confronted him and he said it was true although told me a completely different story that what the other woman told me. So we just found out he indeed the father by paternity test. He says he will have nothing to do with the child. We actually just found out a few days ago and he was taking his anger out on me that he in fact turned out to be the father, and I got very angry of course so we haven't talked in a few days. He says he's a changed person and will do whatever it takes to have a future with me and our daughter. I can tell he has changed a little but I just don't know what to do. He is the ONLY guy I have ever been with and I just want us to be a family. I can't forgive him for this. I don't know how to move on from someone I've known since I was 16. Should I stay and make our family work? If I do I don't think I will ever trust or get over this. I think I am afraid to move on.

[rbilow]

I find it more appalling that he wants nothing to do with his new son. I personally don't think I would or could take somebody back or stay with somebody after they cheated on me. You can either forgive him, leave him or take counseling for it or live with it. The choices are all yours to make. Good luck.

[Devorameira]

It's a tough situation, but only you can decide what's best for you and your daughter.

I have to agree with rbilow, a man that wants nothing to do with his own son isn't really worth much. Also remember that this is your daughter's half brother, so ideally, they'd see one another and form some type of relationship.

A break-up is always hard to cope with, but you have to look toward the future and not to the past. Since you say you can't forgive him, I'd say it's time for you to leave. Just keep reminding yourself of the bad times and it'll make things easier.

If you really feel distraught about the situation, you may find talking to a counselor beneficial.

[talaniman]

Since this is something you have just found out, you make no decision without letting the emotional dust settle, and giving this some more rational thought rather than make a impulsive, hasty decision from hurt feelings alone.

It sounds like there has been much turmoil in this marriage already, and this is bit the latest issue to surface. Sorry but both you females are bound to this fellow by children, and the adult way to handle this is to put them first, and like it or not, he has obligations and responsibilities to fulfill, and that is the first order of business to conduct once you have gotten yourself under control, and can think about what you want, and what this means to your future.

In the coming days and weeks, you better get your legal options in front of you, as I imagine the other baby mama will do just that. Cry if you must, I would, but handle your business first, because what you do with this rocky marriage is but one thing to deal with, your child's future comes first. That's in a legal sense though because staying together for your child may not be the best idea, or the best, or only option.

Give yourself the time to think on this before you act.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

crying, I know you are heartbroken. That information is quite a lot for anyone to digest and I wish we could give you a quick and easy answer that would fix everything for you. I agree with Talaniman -- really take the time you need to think all this through before you act. Please, for your own mental welfare, I think it would be wise of you to seek out a qualified counselor/therapist as soon as possible. A professional who specializes in marriage counseling will take the time that is needed to help you sort through all of this and figure out where you should go from here. In case it isn't clear, I feel this is something you need to do on your own, without your husband. If the counselor feels your husband should join in on the sessions, then allow him/her to make that call when the time is appropriate.