[ybarragma]

I have a 20 year old daughter , that I love dearly, and I had adopted my two grandchildren two little girls. The entire time I was fighting for them , she was all supportive of idea . Now I can see the change in her , now that the girls are adopted . I know she loves them , but I know it bothers her too. She now has her own life with her daughter and husband. We have been butting heads way too much, like never before . I have ny oldest son's daughters and he now is with someone that I don't aproove of She lives a lifesyle that the mother of the other 2 chidren that I adpoted, party all the time ! Thy have a daughter . She is 18 months old. My daughter is closer to my son's supposed wife , they did get a marriage license but it was not finalized . So legally they are not married.My son is in jail and will be home in a month. In the mean time I don't go visit the baby as much as my daughter would like me too. I did see her on xmas we spent the day together. But not the mother. My daughter thinks I don't like her , Its not that I don't like , she is the reason my son is in jail . And we comes home I am very worried that she will bring him down again. My daughter does not see that , she continues to feud with me over her. She constantly says that I don't like her , and that I am fake to her . I am the type of person that will let you know , when I think your on drugs or doing bad things in front of the children. I don't know her and I really don't know how I feel about her. I want to except her , but my son has gone through baby mama's like no tomaorrow! I have delt with every one of them and the only one I wanted him to marry , did not work out, But she is doing well taking care of my 2 grandson's The problem is I don't see his wife wanting to better herself, shehas strange people in and out of her house . But yet my daughter seems to think she's perfect. If I ask for the baby , I feel like I will be enabling her to go out and party and do what ever she does. My son sent her money, and suddenly she has a new giant tattoo on her back , that covered my son's name . Still don't know what to think of it , since it looked satanic. The tattoo. I know that they costs a lot of money for that big of a tattoo. She has gifts for my girls, she asked my daughter to bring them over if she came over last week, when my daughter called to tell me she yelled t me because I was not going with , I have been sick , and of course she thinks I am faking that too. I asked her if she would take the girls with her she flat said NO , why don't you take them , what you don't like Nichole , that's her name by the way.I responed with oh OK, well I will take them later . Now she is talking crap on Facebook and I am ready to just delete my account that she talked ne into getting . I am 45 years old , and really am getting to old for this crap. I am taking care of my 2 girls and Its seems to bother her
But she will never see that, I may be wrong , but I have neverhad her treat me this ay ever ; (

[joypulv]

Your story is a jumble of different women, girls, children, yours, your daughters, hers, your sons. You don't even say in the first sentence whose girls you adopted!
But I do see a key phrase in there: 'she is the reason my son is in jail.' How do you expect your daughter to love her when you blame her? Or are you talking about another woman? You say 'I don't know her and I really don't know how I feel about her.' Again, is that you daughter, who was in the sentence before? You need to shorten the story and get who is who straight here. Leave out most of it.

It is clear that you are opinionated and a fighter. This can be good and it can backfire. Your son certainly isn't doing well and is irresponsible too, so maybe you are mopping up after your children too much, being too involved with who they are with AS ADULTS now, and being too critical - letting them know when you think they are on drugs is not a positive approach to changing their ways.

Is there a chance that your daughter resents all the work you put into your son and all his baby mommas and the kids? I'd be resentful if I were her. Find a quiet moment when you two are alone and ask her.

But you are certainly not alone. These boards are full of this question. There is no answer really. You are doing the best you know how.

[Jake2008]

I'm a bit confused as well, as to all the adults and children in your life that you are juggling.

I think you have adopted your daughter's two children. That is officially done, and you are not the legal parent to her two children.

If you were to step outside the situation you are in right now, and look at it as though you were reading your current life the way we are here, what do you think you can do, to have more manageable relationships with all the adults.

One thing you might want to consider, is boundaries. When these adult children begin to trash talk you as you say, or expect you to automatically take on more responsibility than you have right now raising two children, learn to say, 'no'. You do not need to explain yourself, or feel guilty that they, as adults, cannot learn to rely on themselves to solve their own problems.

When they are in your home, the rules are, no arguing, no blame games, no anger. When it starts, ask them to leave. The same goes with phone calls; when 'no' is not enough, hang up the phone. When the 'baby mama' drama starts up, turn around and walk away.

With your son coming out of prison in a month, I would be inclined to have him prepared to come up with a plan, if he's going to be living with you, before he arrives. Tell him that within a month, he needs to find another place to stay.

You cannot be taken advantage of, or drawn into, the bad decisions and mistakes that adults make, whether they are your children or not. At some point, unless you draw those lines, they will never grow up.

[summuxia]

You don't see to get along with your son's partner. You shouldn't force yourself to like her or to meet with her, if you can't get along. And neither should your daughter pressure you into meeting the woman. What would that accomplish anyway? Let your daughter have her grand opinion of this woman, it's her right! And you are entitled to your opinion of the woman as well. Neither of you are going to change the other's opinion, why are you two trying so hard to do that?

If you think this woman is harming any children, then you have a moral (and often legal) responsibility to deal with that (contact CPS or the police), but other than that, it's none of your business what kind of people visit Nicole, or what she does on her spare time, or whether she has tattoos or whether she's the gazillionth baby mama in the picture. Let it go, it's not your business. Really, if you think the situation is serious enough that children are being put in danger, or in any way abused, then you deal with that NOT by arguing about it with your daughter, or with Nicole, but by contacting CPS.

I'm curious why you say 'she' (your son's partner) is the reason your son is in jail? Generally people end up in jail because of something they did themselves. No matter what kind of a person this Nicole is, she can't be responsible for your adult son's actions.