[Temaphephetse]

I am a 36 year old woman, married for 13 years with 2 children. I need help on how to deal with my problem. I am in love with a married man who happens to be an ex-boyfriend (38 years old). We are so much compatible, have a lot in common and even have similar backgrounds. We have known each other for 20 years and for all these years I have been married we have been constantly in touch.

I have tried on several occasions to keep the distance from him over the years but its only for a short while and we get back together again. We have recently reconnected again and this time around things are getting a bit out of hand. I must explain that there was no apparent reason for our break up other than the fact that we lost contact when he left for college and I went to another college. I assumed that he had moved on, so I also moved on and met this guy at college (my husband) who proposed to me and I agreed to marry him. He is 9 years older than me and is a good father to my kids.

When my ex-bf returned from college, I discovered that my assumption was wrong, he was still madly in love with me and wanted us to be together. Unfortunately, it was little too late as I was getting married to another man and I did not know what to do about the situation. I decided to go ahead with the marriage, a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.

After I got married, my ex boyfriend impregnated another woman and married her after a few years. They now have two kids. My husband and I have had a fair share of rocky moments over the years but we are still together up to this time but I honestly feel that I am now doing this for the sake of the kids. I have tried my best that we engage in discussions about the issues affecting our marriage but the problem is that my husband is not open to communicating. This has led to a point where I told him that I am now giving up on us after having tried so hard for our marriage to improve. It has come to a point whereby I regret ever having gotten married because I now feel trapped.

I have fallen out of love with my husband and this happened even before I reconnected with my ex boyfriend. My ex married boyfriend has been telling me all the years I have been married, even before he got married, how much he loves me and that he never stopped and will never stop loving me and I believe him and I also feel the same way. I am head over heels in love with the man. I have forced myself to drift away from him over the years to concentrate on my marriage but I have failed. But I feel bad that I am cheating on my husband in this way, I feel I could just blurt it out and tell him everything. The way I feel and wish right now is to leave my husband so that he gets someone who deserves his love because I not worthy of his love.

I want out of the marriage not because I have hopes that my ex boyfriend would also leave his wife for me but I would like to be happy once again and live life to the fullest, life is too short.

I would appreciate your response and I need the advice so very much as to how I should handle this situation.

[tickle]

It sounds like you are trying to find a valid reason why you should leave your husband (in spite of all you have written about your ex b/f). You are trying to justify this breakup to yourself by saying that your husband has to have a chance at love with someone else. I don't see anything about the children, you mentioned you have two. Do you realize what a marriage break up does to children? You are discussing two family dissolutions here, that in itself is a heavy burden to carry should it come to pass.

How do you really know for sure that this is what your ex b/f wants; he wants you and wants to leave his family. Are you assuming this is what he wants, or does he just want you and his family too. Think that one through and I sincerely believe you should clear this with him first, make sure before you make any rash decisions about your own situation.

Tick

[Jake2008]

It is easy to love a dream, or fall in love with the idea of a happier life. Many have justified ending marriages only to find that that dream, was just a dream after all.

First things first.

As long as your thoughts are consumed with another man, you are being unfair to yourself, your husband, your family, and your marriage. Many 'opportunities' come along, but it is always a choice to act on them, or remain faithful to the one you are committed to. It is also unfair to judge your marriage and your husband, because your husband is fighting an invisible foe.

As long as there is another man in the picture, he doesn't stand a chance at a fair fight. To say on one hand that you are trying to save your marriage, while on the other hand, you are in love with someone else, is deceiptful to say the least.

You are risking a great deal. Not only your marriage, but the lives of your children, and the lives of your ex boyfriends children. There are 8 people involved here, within this dream you have of assuming that life will be better and easier, with another man.

My advise to you is to tell the ex boyfriend that you need to work on your marriage, and that that has to come first for the sake of your own family. Stop all contact with him, and get yourself into marriage counselling with your husband, and put the cards on the table. All of it. Until you stop living a lie, and come clean about the other man, you will never know if your marriage can be saved.

You may find that your marriage is salvageable, that your husband is willing to work on the issues that have contributed to you being where you are, and that you can come out stronger in the end, with him, and your family.

Or, you may realize, for all the right reasons, more of a confirmation that your husband and your marriage, is just not going to work out.

If the former takes place, you will likely end up stronger together than you realized was possible. If the latter takes place, you will then have a clear conscience to proceed with a separation, and all that entails.

And if you do leave, you will need time to adjust, and time for your children to adjust to now being from a broken home. At least leave for the right reasons; put their needs and yours first, without involving another man. Learn to live on your own, under your own steam, independently, before you even think about contacting your ex boyfriend, who may very well find himself in the same boat as you are.

In which case, until you take care of the business at hand, which is building a new, single life, for you and your children, you will be in no position to commit to any man in your life, for a long time to come.

But the main point is, you have to do this on your own, for all the right reasons. To abandon a marriage, for all the wrong reasons, and jump into a relationship with a married man, will only be adding baggage on top of baggage.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Please reread Jake's response. I cannot emphasize enough how important all the points are that she has brought up in her post. Please, don't follow your heart on this one. You really need to use your head and keep your wits about you. We all hit bumps in our marriages. The key is in how we choose to deal with them. If this helps you at all, you need to really think about why you originally lost touch with this old boyfriend. He is two years older than you. He knew how to get in touch with you when he went away to college. You were still living at home going to High School. Please don't allow him to cloud your memory and convince you that he never moved on at that point in time because he absolutely did. Completely breaking off all contact with you once he left home is evidence of that. From what you have written he had moved on for a number of years. I know you are too smart to believe that while he was away at college he never had relationships with any other women. He only chose to reappear in your life when he heard you were getting married. Suddenly, you became "the one that got away". Once you married your husband, although he may have stayed in touch with you, this ex definitely moved on with his life. He proceeded to have a child with another woman, marry her, then proceeded to have another child with her. Over the years he has built a life for himself with his wife and children. Those are not the actions of a man who will forever hold a candle for the woman he lost.

Please don't make the mistake of assuming "the grass is always greener". Even if you had an absolute guarantee he would leave his wife for you (which you don't), I can tell you from personal experience (my parents) when two people leave their respective spouses to be with each other and attempt to blend their families, it is not the happily ever after that each has imagined. You say you "want to be happy once again and live life to the fullest". I can guarantee when multiple children are involved it gets very, very complicated. You will find yourself living in more of a nightmare than the happy fantasy you are dreaming about. Children do not cope well and do not adjust easily to this kind of situation. They become resentful and angry. They will take it out on each other, their step-brothers/sisters, both of their own parents, and especially their step-parent (who in their minds broke up their parents marriage). You also do not know how your husband and your ex-bf's wife will handle this. Keep in mind, you will have to continue to interact with each of them because of the children. They very well may not act like the adults you expect them to. Their anger over being jilted may take precedent over everything else. They may lie to the children and manipulate them in an attempt to get them to reject you completely. You may find one or the other will call Child Protective Services and lodge abuse complaints against you just to create problems for you. Anything and everything is possible when it comes to a jilted spouse.

You owe it to everyone involved to think this through carefully. Please follow Jake's advice. Go for counseling. If your marriage is doomed to end, as Jake says, let it be for the right reasons. Learn to live on your own first. Don't allow your ex-bf to have any impact on your life decisions. Also, if you do leave your husband, don't allow the ex to manipulate you into a relationship with him while he is still married. I think if you do, you may very well find yourself playing the role of the mistress he will visit at his own convenience. If the two of you are truly destined to be together, he will be understanding of what you are doing, respect it, and agree to break off contact while he proceeds to straighten out his own life at the same time.

[Temaphephetse]

Thanks to all of you who have given me such valuable advice up to this point. I will indeed heed your advice and have realised the importance of thinking with my head and not my heart. First step is the counseling as advised and will see how everything goes and take it from there. Just to shed some more light, the thought of leaving came to my mind way before I reconnected with ex boyfriend. I even mentioned that to my husband that it has come to a point where I have really given up on our marriage. I even confided in his best friend because I felt helpless and did not want my family to know we had problems. The way it feels right now and over the years is such that we we more of roommates or have some kind of living together arrangement other that husband and wife. It came to a point whereby I learnt to be independent to an extent that even when I leave, not that I will, there would be no significant change in our circumstances(mine and the kids) other than the fact that we no longer live under the same roof with childrens' father. So, basically I wanted to do this (leave) for both our sakes and not merely for the fact that I want to commit to my ex boyfriend. Just that the reconnection with my ex boyfriend I feel has made things even worse in a sense that I feel like I am living a double life and it is not fair on anyone for that matter. I have even thought of going a away for a while, say a month, even before engaging in the counselling just to have some time on my own to do a bit of self-introspection. But I am not sure if that is the right way to go. Please advice. Thank you.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

I don't know if it is necessary to go away on your own. I think it would be wise for you to find a counselor right now and start sessions on your own without hubby. You do need an objective and professional person you can sit with one on one who will help you sort things out and put everything into proper perspective. If the counselor feels you need to move out for a couple of weeks just to clear your head, then do it. I don't know if you have already hit your breaking point with your husband and it is time for you to move on but the counselor should be able to help you determine that. If that is the case, then there won't be any reason to invite him into the sessions except to discuss how to split your assets, figure out custody & child support arrangements. But, if it is a matter of getting your husband to realize that you are not just making threats but you are seriously looking to end your marriage, he might wake up and start attempting to work with you. If he doesn't, then you will know without a doubt that it is time for you to move on.

I applaud you for recognizing that your ex-bf has managed to throw a wrench into this situation. Please, for your own sake (and sanity!), tell him you need him to back off. Although it is never easy to make the decision to end a marriage, it will be a little easier if you allow yourself to deal with only one complicated life situation at a time. You need to have a clear head and your ex-bf situation is just helping to muddle things up for you at the moment.

I wish you the best of luck! :)

[tickle]

I have to put in my two cents on this 'brief vacation' idea and I think it is an excellent idea on the part of the OP. I do believe she needs to clear her head this way without external forces interfering with her thinking process. Let me point out though, it has to be without the ex b/f in tow because that will do absolutely nothing to solve the problem.

Tick

[mrsmavis1985]

First of all, I do feel bad for you. But, you should do some serious thinking. I know a lot
Of people think with their "hearts", but you should think with your head.
Think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed, if you were still
In love with your husband, but he was in love with his ex. Or think about your
Ex boyfriends wife. Plus, there are kids involved in both marriages. Mabey counseling
Could help you. I know that you said that your husband won't "open up",
But mabey if you go by yourself you could get some tools to help him open up
And he may follow suit if he sees that you are serious about the situation.
I wish you all the best, and please don't do anything without serious and deep
Thought and consideration.

[Jake2008]

I'm happy also that you are starting to think this through a little more logically.

In order to give yourself the clarity you need to make the right decision for all concerned, the most important thing you can do right now, is sever ties with the ex boyfriend. While what probably happened was he was a sympathetic ear in the beginning, it has turned into a situation where he is very much a part of your life. That relationship has to end, in order for you to put your focus only on your marriage right now.

While you feel you are living a double life, is an honest observation, because you are living a double life. You have to justify the feelings of wanting to be with the ex, while at the same time, find fault with your own marriage, in order to do so. Had you not gone as far as you had with your ex, maybe what you see as justification for doing so, wouldn't have happened in the first place. In other words, you were unhappy with your husband, and it was easy to have a 'friend' who understood, but that turned into more than friendship, and the focus turned to an emotional affair with the ex, at the exclusion of, your husband.

You've missed a whole chunk of possibilities with your husband in trying to sort out your marriage when problems became apparent. The solution, the ex, has taken over as a catalyst for change for you. Either with the ex, or on your own as you explained. But, nowhere do you say that you wish to deal with just your marriage problems. If that is something you want to do, and you can honestly say your husband and family are your first priority right now, then the ex should not be in the picture at all.

Marriage is hard work. Sh*t happens, and it should be expected. There is nothing in any 'rule book' on marriage that says your needs will be met 100% of the time, and no lasting marriage is not without situations you find yourself in now, where it seems that life will be better with another man, or on your own. We all face great challenges in keeping a marriage going.

The key is, honesty. For you, I think that will be through counselling, because your husband has had no idea you've been involved with another man. A third party can help both of you understand why that has happened, and guide you in working it out- one way or the other. But at the very least, you and your husband have to address ALL the issues, including the ex. The ex has become part of your husband's life too, even though he doesn't realize it. Counselling won't help you, unless you are both fully committed to honesty, communication, and facing the very difficult road of reaching a point where decisions about the marriage itself, will be based on truth.

And, at least at the end of that, you and your husband will reach a point where you both know what direction to go. If it turns out that you end up splitting, you will at least have invested enough integrity, respect, and time toward your husband, that you can make a decision with a clear conscience.

[Temaphephetse]

Thanks to all who have offered such valuable advice. One more thing I did not mention before. I know what we did was wrong but it happened and have to deal with it but Im not sure how. Its not just about emotional cheating with ex-bf but things went a bit too far. We got intimate once in 2004 and again recently when we reconnected. Im not sure if I should reveal this during the counseling sessions as Im not sure how my husband would react to it when he finds out( he is very short tempered). But then again I realise that I got to be honest for this to be effective. Im ashamed about this and I know it's a consequence of my own actions which I have to deal with, but how? Please advice.

[Jake2008]

Just_another_Lemming had said that it might be a good idea for you to attend counselling on your own first. And after your last post, I think that is a good idea. Marriage counselling, with two people on the same page wanting to work on saving their marriage, has to start with honesty.

If you start counselling with your husband, without being honest as to what you have been dealing with, and what he has to now deal with, means starting without the truth, the whole truth. If you present all the problems that you noted in your marriage, without disclosing your relationship with your ex boyfriend, your husband is left to deal with only what he knows. And if he isn't aware of the relationship with your ex, that is unfair to him.

Part of the reason your marriage is in so much peril, is because of your actions, which I know you don't deny. And it involves more than the (now) affair. It has crossed the line from him being a friend, to him being a lover. And when you are married, with a lover, that also involves lying, deceipt, and as you've said yourself, living a double life. All that has become the reason for where you are now.

If you had never been in contact with your ex, and never allowed yourself to cross that line, and were in counselling solely for reasons related to your marriage, that is one thing. But now that there is much more that has caused the problems between you and your husband, my opinion is, he needs to know.

If you attend counselling on your own, talk this all through and get another opinion as to how to go about disclosing this, and learn what you should be prepared for.

If you want your marriage to work, be prepared to go through very hard work to get it back on track. It is definitely to your advantage, if saving your marriage is your goal, to be honest, completely, and taking the initiative to try to reach that goal, will certainly show that you are serious.

Many have had affairs during their marriages, and recover from them, and end up stronger than they were together before it all happened. There are always reasons for couples who stray so far apart, and getting to the truth will include all that has happened.

Then again you may discover in counselling that regardless of what has happened, the marriage was going to end anyway. The ex boyfriend is only one part of all of this.

You have much to work through to make a decision on how to proceed from here. And while you are dealing with that, I encourage you to sever ties with your ex, and tell him that while, and until, you know what is going to happen with your marriage, you wish no contact.

[talaniman]

Your decision to go to counseling for yourself is an excellent move in the right direction, and I hope it leads to the strength and honesty to deal with your situation in a positive way.

Please make sure you dump the ex forever as his influence is neither positive or healthy. The feelings may be intense, but true happiness will never be found with him, how can they be? Nothing good has come of this association, nor has it before. Now he is unavailable, except his body, and you need a lot more to have happiness. He is bit a dark distraction from the truth, and he hardly brings out the best in you, or you, in him.

[figmoma]

You should do what makes you happy. Take care of your children. Be a great mother. But also take care of yourself. Do not stay in a unhappy marriage just to satisfy your husband. That will just lead to more regret and more angry down the road. I understand exactly what you are going through. I too, love an ex boyfriend whom is married, but minus the children. Love is a powerful thing in my opinion.

[Temaphephetse]

Hello again and thank you all for advice you have given. Just to give you an update. I decided that I request for some space from my husband to think things through and to use that time to work through my issue seeking individual counseling. I could not tell him in person about this and this is mainly due to fear as a result of past experiences.So, I wrote him an e-mail yesterday at work explaining everything and I was honest about how I feel, but did not say anything about ex boyfriend. SO what I did was to request for some space for a while and the response I got was 'could I explain what I mean by space so that he does not get it wrong'. I did the explanation and even mentioned that I am willing to talk about this further if he is too.The response I got was " thank you for clarifying, now it is crystal clear" and that was it. Next thing he knocks off from work, comes home and packs a few things and tells me he will sleep over at parental home for tonight (last night) because he wants to attend to some things there, no mention of e-mail, discussion, whatsoever. I did not comment or say anything, just said bye and that was it and he left. What really surprised me is the fact that I did not feel any sadness or regret when he left, instead I felt some sort of relief that I have finally let it off my chest. The kids are not aware of anything at this moment and I am not sure how to handle this with them at the moment. I have not seen or heard from him up to this point and he has not sent any e-mail, not sure if he will show up at home this afternoon but he might because he did not take many of his clothes. Please advice as to how to proceed now given the way things are but I must say I am not prepared to make any contact at this stage because I need the space and to heal. But I must say the message I got from his action is that the issues I raised are not of particular importance to him thus does not see the need to even discuss anything before he leaves or to at least discuss the way forward on this. Maybe Im wrong I don't know. Please help.

[answerme_tender]

You need to go ahead with your plan and have time to make a decision. However, while you are taking the time, don't just sit there and give him time to do his own thinking!! You need to be smart and contact an attorney JUST IN CASE---knowledge is always good.

Just my opinion.

[Cat1864]

I have a feeling your husband may have suspected something was going on and was waiting to get more information.

Contact a lawyer and find out what you need to about separations and divorce.

Then contact a counselor who works with families. I think you and your children may be needing him/her in the near future.

Hopefully, your husband is recognizing a need to calm down before discussing the issues with you.

[talaniman]

I don't know what you expected of your husband but you asked for space, and he gave it to you. So what's the discussion about? I think you got what you asked for, and how should he know you need time to get over an ex lover?

You have probably been distant for a while, and then you ask for space out of the blue, all he can do is do what he did because, what is there to talk about? You had a chance to explain, you didn't. You had a chance to sit down for a discussion, You sent an email. You fell out of love got a lover, instead of dealt with your husband, and now you asked for space through an email to the father of your kids and are questioning why he doesn't seem to care!

Unbelievable!

Hey take what time you need to figure yourself out because that's all you should be doing, and being concerned about how he feels, and what he does is long past, as you didn't discuss it before your lover, so what's to discuss now?

What a selfish way to handle tings in my opinion.

[DoulaLC]

I agree with talaniman. Your husband is no doubt hurt and angry... he deserves some time to think things through just as you asked for from him. You have had time to decide what you wanted to do, he was broadsided with this.

Why you didn't bother to really discuss the issues you were having instead of cheating on him is something only you can answer.

Yes, you realize it was not the right thing to do now, but had you been thinking about your marriage, your husband, your children, and the ex's family instead of yourself you would have not proceeded to let it happen in the first place. Funny how it is always convenient for people to acknowledge that after the fact. You don't cheat if you are not happy in your marriage... you do all that you can to work it out or you end it... period.

Quite simply... go to counseling, get your head sorted out, and stop any contact with this married ex. Figure out whether you want to work at your marriage or end it. Only then do you consider starting a relationship with someone who is actually available to you.

[Temaphephetse]

Thank you all for the advice. From some of the responses, what I have picked up is that I have messed up, have been selfish in the way I handled this. I want to clarify that this is not the first time we communicated issues through e-mail. It has happened in the past and we always discussed them later on. I must admit that maybe it's a communication problem. I also feel that I took the wrong advice which now looks selfish on my part. I took the advice from some other online relationship advice forum(dearcupid.org)that if there is a communication problem an option is to write a letter and be honest about your feelings and why you need the space. So, I guess I messed up with the way I handled this and even more confused now. But I would like to give another update that hubby did turn up yesterday evening and spent a few minutes with the boys and we did talk nicely but not about this issue. Then he took a few clothes and did mention that he would see us again today. I said its fine and he left. I also want to clarify that he is not aware or suspecting about the affair with ex boyfriend as I said nothing about it. MU hubby also did have an affair two years after we got married with a single co-worker and again years later had an emotional affair with another married co-worker. When I discovered the first affair he apologised and swore it would never happen, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and worked on our marriage. When I discovered the second affair, he brushed it off as nothing to even worry about because as far as he was concerned it was a non issue. SO, we left it at that but he continued to be very close with the married co-worker up to this day they are close friends.Im sharing this because I hope it would help people understand where we come from with the problems and because I believe in order to get the right direction and advice from all of you who are helping me, I need to be open about my issues. I appreciate your taking time to advice on my issue and please continue to do so, its helping.

[DoulaLC]

The advice of writing a letter can be a very good option. It can let you get your feelings out in a "safe" environment, but it obviously needs to be followed-up with face to face, honest communication. Hopefully this will happen for you and your husband. Maybe send him another e-mail to set a date to have a honest and open discussion about what you both need and want from your marriage and what you could do to get there.

Communication is key, as you have found out. That he had past affairs obviously is not helpful to your relationship, but it in no way justifies your cheating as well. You did mess up, and you need to own up to that fact. Unfortunately, it appears issues that led to those affairs were never fully addressed... once again, communication.

It seemed many were feeling sympathetic to you because you now were in love with your married ex-boyfriend. He never should have been in the picture. This is now a man who has proven himself to be a cheater and a liar. Hopefully you realize that now, and will do whatever you can to make amends in your own life. Do not involve him and his family... as whether they know about it or not, they are now involved in this.

It is hard to talk about the tough issues for many people, married or not. But when it comes down to working at and saving a marriage, you have to break through that comfort zone, take the risk, get it all out there and break it down to the foundation so that you can rebuild.

When you talk to your husband next, either in person or through e-mail, bring up the option of marriage counseling. They will be able to help you both become more open with each other with guidance so that old ways of communicating are broken through and you can both really be heard.

Of course, all of this is assuming you want to stay married, that deep down you really do love your husband; just need things to be better, but if you are not interested in working at the marriage, then hire a lawyer.