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    Skyrocket Away's Avatar
    Skyrocket Away Posts: 173, Reputation: 6
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Dec 30, 2010, 06:55 AM
    I regret getting married...
    I recently got married about 2 weeks ago. Before we got married I was having doubt's and didn't quite feel ready. And I believe my feeling's for my, now husband, have changed. Before getting married I sat him down and told him that I didn't feel ready for marriage and I didn't want to go through with it. He was supportive and told me we didn't have to get married if I was ready for it and didn't want to. I however went through with it anyway. Feeling regret through out the entire ceremony and even after...

    I know this is my own fault for letting myself go through with the wedding, knowing my feelings, but I just don't know what I can do now...

    I've been with my husband 3 years and known him over 5. And I love him dearly as a friend... But I just don't think I'm IN love with him anymore, and I haven't been for a while... I really want to love him, but I just don't... sometimes I think I love him, but that feeling quickly goes away. He's a wonderful man and a fantastic provider. And he's very supportive of everything I do and want and really romantic. He's basically perfect and we never even fight or anything... I want to be in love with him so badly that it's driving me crazy. I don't want to be unfair to him and continue with our marriage as a lie. I just don't know what I can do..

    What should I do? Should I leave? Stick it out? I'm so lost... ):
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #2

    Dec 30, 2010, 07:06 AM

    I understand what you did, I understand because I did something similar a long time ago, I married him because on paper it was the right to do,because I did not want to let everyone down and a million other reasons,the point is I married in haste and lived to regret the decision many years after I was divorced.

    The difference here is the man I married was not a good,decent kind man,he was a jerk of the highest caliber,your husband sounds like a really decent man.

    Cold feet after the fact is not uncommon the reality of marriage can be daunting,but if you can find that spark that made you fall in love with him,perhaps you can have a wonderful life together.

    I read your other posts,and at a rough guess I'm saying your about 20 years of age,your so young,but you can do it,many people get scared.

    Talk to your husband,maybe some councilling might help,but my overall advice is don't throw in the towel, try and work it out.
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #3

    Dec 30, 2010, 07:14 AM

    I can't say that I understand where you're coming from, because I don't. I married my wife, still madlt in love and never did regret a single thing.

    After reading your post I assume that you went through with the wedding to make everyone else happy, everyone that supported you, helped you plan, helped pay (if it applies). You almost feel liked you owed it to them, your husband included.

    Guess what? You now owe all of them the effort to try. Especially your husband. Whatever it was that made you fall for him in the first place is where you need to be.

    Holding these feelings in and not expressing them to your husband isn't an option as a marriage is a two-way street. He sounds like a really good guy and I do believe counseling is exactly what you need.

    I may be out of line here but this is what I think.
    adthern's Avatar
    adthern Posts: 282, Reputation: 28
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    #4

    Dec 30, 2010, 07:37 AM

    No matter what you end up doing, you should get counselling. It sounds like the two of you will remain friends, even if the marriage ends, assuming you do everything the right way (communicate, counselling, trying, etc.. ).

    I would just throw this little tid bit in, until you know for sure which way it is going to go, I would suggest not having children. The reason is, that children, while wonderful, are stressful for even the best marriages. Also, it is difficult on kids when parents separate. Just something to think about.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #5

    Dec 30, 2010, 07:38 AM

    Don't just walk away, you found the nerve to marry this man, now its time to use those same nerves and get some counseling!! You just don't say " I do" then only 2 weeks later walk away, that is just CRUEL!!

    Try getting some counseling, see if your husband will go with you. Talk to this person, let it all out what your feeling, or not feeling. This person will listen without judgement and will give you advise on how to proceed.

    I wish you the best
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #6

    Dec 30, 2010, 08:01 AM

    I agree with the above poster but want to clarify something.

    This has less to do with the "nerve" she found to marry this man and more about the "nerve" she lacked to postpone.

    Counseling is the best option. I agree completely with the fact that kids shouldn't be brought into this. They are not a fix either, I have seen it before we're marriages were rocky so they decide to have a kid to try and provide some stability in the relationship, common grounds, and it just ends up bad for the marriage, plus now a child is involved.

    Don't go this route! Get counseling. For your sake and your husbands!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Dec 30, 2010, 09:08 AM

    You may not have the intense feelings of emotional spine tingling love that has us all gung ho for being with someone for better or worse, but maybe you do have the foundations for building a solid marriage with someone you are very comfortable with, like loyalty, trust, and commitment, and compatibility, which in my mind are what ground a marriage, and makes building a happy fulfilling life possible.

    Maybe you have doubts, or even fear, and that's something to consider and work on, but the biggest thing is to share all of that with the man you married, and work together on it. Communications is what I am trying to say to you, so you will know if this will work or not, and if indeed you can give it the time, to work or not.

    Certainly two weeks is not long enough to know that, or even say you tried, now is it? The fact remains you had 5 years, 3 as a couple to express the regrets, and make the appropriate decisions. Now its time to do the work.

    Start talking, and listening, so you can learn how to share, and work together. There is plenty of advice and guidance out there to help, and no shame in getting help if you need it. But you owe it to yourself to make the effort to learn the right way.

    You both deserve an honest effort, so do it. Sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and get busy with the work of marriage, ready, or not.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #8

    Dec 30, 2010, 09:18 AM
    I don't see your marriage as a lie. How so? You told him how you felt and he wanted to proceed anyway.
    I also think that being 'in' love is vastly overrated. Love itself is what is needed. Love evolves and as long as it includes respect and caring, it's love. Most of the world marries that way because it's mostly about survival - food and shelter, not romance.
    If you feel all wrong about it anyway, do a trial separation sooner rather than later. Don't accept any money or attention or any of the good things you do like about him and see how you feel then.
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #9

    Dec 30, 2010, 09:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    You told him how you felt and he wanted to proceed anyway.
    "He was supportive and told me we didn't have to get married if I was ready for it and didn't want to"

    I think you misread what the OP wrote. She clearly states that he was willing to postpone on her behalf. The OP continued to proceed with the marriage. (as stated by herself)

    If blame were to be placed anywhere, it should NOT be on the husband!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #10

    Dec 31, 2010, 10:00 AM
    But for the fact that you married him, your feelings have remained unchanged toward him, prior to marrying him, and after you married him.

    You wouldn't be the first newlywed to realize you made a mistake in going through with a wedding.

    One thing you can consider is an annulment. Move out, and, as best you can, return gifts. Speak to an attorney about any financial obligations, etc. that you may need to settle during the annulment. He or she can advise you of how to protect yourself financially with a legal separation. I'm not a lawyer, but should you choose this route, please make sure you know what you need to know from a legal perspective.

    The bottom line is, you should not have married him, and if I read you right, the history prior to the marriage is the same as it is after the marriage. You are not in love with him, and do not wish to be married to him. No matter what a great guy he is, or how perfect he is, you cannot force yourself to accept a marriage that was essentially, a mistake.

    If it makes you feel any better, a friend of mine had an elaborate wedding, and she too thought she just had pre-marriage jitters. But, as soon as she said, 'I do', she realized what a terrible mistake she had made. Before the reception even began, she walked out. There were a lot of disappointed and dismayed family and guests, and a lot of anger coming in her direction for quite some time afterward. That sort of thing may be a consequence to you as well. There will be a reaction should you choose to go.

    The only other thing I can say is, you have to be true to yourself. If you do not love him and wish to be married to him for the rest of your life, then end it. Let him move on and find a partner who does love him. As long as you are living a lie, it is unfair to both of you.

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