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blackcoffee · Dec 26, 2010, 11:13 PM

My boyfriend killed himself some days go. Now I'm really depressed. He was my everything, even though we were just together for 1 year but I love him so much. I don't know what to do. It hurts me so much. Without him, I feel like I don't want to continue my life. My friends are still with me, but I just block myself in my room and cry all day long. He is the only one I want to talk with, now he is gone and never come back to my life. He was depressed and stressed out, I can't help him too much. Now he flied away and I'm still staying here and facing this pain all alone. I miss him so much. Every memory with him is just like yesterday and today I already lost him forever. If I kill myself, whether I can meet him again on heaven?

Wondergirl · Dec 26, 2010, 11:24 PM

I'm really sorry about your loss.

You know how much you are suffering, so killing yourself to be with him (and there's no guarantee that will happen) will cause your family and friends to feel just like you do now. Do you really want that?

Better would be to honor his name and his memory in some way. My dad loved trees, so when he died, we planted a tree in his name. (It's a beautiful tree!) He was the pastor of a church, so we in the family and lots of other people got vinyl siding put on the church so it wouldn't have to be painted every five years or so. My mother paid for beautiful mahogany front doors for the church. The church is a visual memory of my father.

Was your boyfriend interested in a certain cause, like rescuing dogs or cats? Did he feel especially bad about certain diseases, like diabetes, that you could donate in his name? Did he have a favorite nephew or niece for whom you could start a college fund in his name?

You want good things to come from the tragedy of his death. What can you do that would make that happen?

Alty · Dec 27, 2010, 12:26 AM

Killing yourself isn't the answer. I know it feels like it is, and you so desperately want to get rid of the pain, but really, it's not even in the running for what you should do now.

I know that right now you can't even imagine ever feeling happy again, but you will. Right now the pain is so raw, so new, so very real. You can't imagine the pain ever going away, but it does, it will.

You have your friends, so let them be there for you. Let your family comfort you. Something that helped me deal with the death of my parents was counseling. I didn't think it would, but after the first session I came to look forward to seeing my counselor because she really did help me get through the things I was dealing with.

Writing in a journal can help. Talking to him, out loud, whatever you want to say, can really help you heal.

It's not easy, and it's not instant, but please trust me, this pain will ease. I promise you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't turn this tragedy into another. Stay strong and live on, because that's what he'd want you to do.

troublemakerman · Dec 27, 2010, 06:11 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. When my wife passed 1/5/09 I wanted to die, even by killing myself. What stops me is that I feel there are different places in heaven, if I commit suicide I won't be with my wife I would go to a different part of heaven and that scares me.
My wife and I were together over 50 years, married only 46 years. Since my wife passed I've been writing, read some it might help you. Take care of yourself.
http://www.lovejoey-poems.blogspot.com

blackcoffee · Dec 27, 2010, 07:26 AM

Thank you for your cheering words. But it's really painful. I just can't stop crying and thinking about what we were going through together. Our love had to face many problems, but we were always together. He promised me that he will be with me forever, we even want to get married and have a happily family with many children. We planned a lot about the future, but now he is completely gone. Every single thing in my life always reminds me of him. I just can't believe that I will never see his warm eyes, his sweet smile anymore again in my life. I miss his cheering words when I'm sad. I feel like he took my life away. He is my first love. I don't know when I can feel better. Crying on the whole day like this makes me more tired and depressed. I just want a long sleep in which I can meet him, I can hug him again and I don't have to face this pain alone.

troublemakerman · Dec 27, 2010, 08:52 AM

Blackcoffee... My wife and I took the marriage vows, 46 yrs wasn't supposed to be the end. I was supposed to go 1st I am older. Find a bereavement group and you will hear the pain we all have. Some sad poems. http://www.lovejoey-poems.blogspot.com

JudyKayTee · Jan 8, 2011, 11:43 AM

Everyone grieves in a different fashion - what worked for me may not work for you. The grieving process is long and hard. There are many steps and mis-steps along the way. Some people find consolation in talking about the person; other people find consolation in being silent. Crying sometimes works; sometimes it doesn't help at all.

Is there someone you can talk to? If you are even thinking about suicide it is time to seek intervention. Hurting your family and friends in that manner will not help anyone.

Will you see him in Heaven? Is there a Heaven? That depends on your spiritual beliefs. Do you have a pastor who will talk to you and help you manage your grief? I don't know that going to a site of "sad poems" is the answer, either.

I didn't believe it and you won't believe it either but in time it will get better. Things will never be the same but they will be better. Time helps.

jessbabee · May 29, 2012, 09:05 AM

My boyfriend as well had killed himself. It will be 14 months on may 24. He was my everything. He was my world. We were starting a beautiful family because I was expecting at the time. When I found him id realized hed been hanging there for almst 2 hours before I got to him. I tried pulling him down but couldn't so I started screaming. The neighbors came over to help and they said I couldn't move the body when the emts got there I just started to shake him. And as him to wake up pleading for him to wake up. They carefully pulled me away.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For months I had no will to live. I wouldn't leave my home unless it was to go over his houe and wait for him to come home. I would stay up all night calling him and calling him. Every night I send countless emails and text messages to his phone. But nothing ever works. I so depreatly wanted to die and I had tried I slit my wrist and hang myself. I was there for about 45 minutes before someone found me.
To this day I have no clue why I'm alive but I guess its meant to help people like you. Please sweetie its so hard now. Your going to want to run and hide. But I promise that's not the answer you need to stay by people who car about you. If you start having crazy thoughts see a local therepyst or call the suicide hot line. It will be okay. The pain will never leave but it will be easier to handle. He may not be here anymore but his spirit is with you always. You might not hear his laugh but everytim the wind blows he's howling up a storm. When its sunny out he's smiling. He would want you to be strong because the night I did that I got a phone call from the dead from him. He said baby don't do it. Save the others.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2012, 09:56 AM

I know it brings you comfort but I just don't believe that the dead telephone the living.

Otherwise - your post brought tears to my eyes. You're right. What you've experienced and lived through is going to help someone else. How strong you are to post this, be so frank.

Did you have the baby?

I'm so sorry for your loss - I can feel your pain across the Internet.