[brigde]

Our marriage broke up because of rowing , me not him, he would not try to make anything better, but he went to counseling asked me to go with him, now when we are to try he has hardened so much toward me won't communicate and is been cold and hurtfull.. why, what do I do , walk away.

[ebaines]

You broke up because of "rowing?" Please clarify.

[Homegirl 50]

How long have you been in counseling and are you still going?

[brigde]

We have been going to counseling 3 weeks he went once on his own, we were rowing for years over the one thing him working with his family for little or no money , during summer for a few months every year, but this last going on 2 years he is working all the time for long hours and little money, he will do nothing for us unless he is not needed else where , I know I over reacted and did nothing but row row, he would not row back ,just did nothing to put anything right , he stopped trying I was getting more an more upset, he will not try to change but I was 100 time trying even to the extent asking the counselor how I could stop being so angry with the way he is , he is a lovely lovely man, he was so upset, and down ,but now that he knows I want us together and that he is my one and only love ,he is not try to communicate he is not loving he is just hurtful , he is talking down to me in front of our 2 eldest he is just doing what I ask and no more , why when he was the one who wanted to go to counseling,

[Homegirl 50]

Give the counseling a chance. 3 weeks is not a long time.

[brigde]

He isint even bothering not about our kids eather , the more I give , the cooler he is, I think I should just end it ,as he is just so uncareing,

3 weeks , and the counceler told him, that he had to see the bigger pitcher then blaming me for it all , he won't he just blames me for everything , so it seemed easer to take the blame ,I thought we were making better, but no he has become colder and

[Homegirl 50]

Do not answer in the comment box. You have more space.
It sounds as if you have given up as well.
Three weeks into counseling can bring about a lot of hurt and anger.
Give this some more time.

[DoulaLC]

Definitely give the counseling more time. It is not uncommon for it to be very difficult at first when couples both start sharing their concerns and what upsets them. Both are focused on getting heard and finally opening up about what they have been feeling. This time can be quite full of anger, frustration, and confusion.

The counselor will likely just let you both talk for awhile and get things out. Then maybe point out a different way of viewing things, how to compromise when possible, and give you suggestions how on to communicate better. They will ask questions and try and help you both really listen to what the other has to say.

Think of it this way... the arguing has been going on for a long time, changing that won't happen quickly. It will take some time to try and work things out.

[J_9]

You broke up because of "rowing?" Please clarify.

I think that means fighting.

[talaniman]

You sound like two petulant kids with all that arguing and frustration, and anger like you're begging for attention, and not getting it.

How old are you both?

How long have you been married? How many kids?

Was it always like this?

If not WHEN did it start, (when he started working for his family I suspect)?

Is that his only job?

Do you work?

How long did you know each other before you got married, or pregnant?

Whatever you do stick to the counseling no matter what!! It may/will take longer than 3 weeks to get you both to see a better way to talk, and listen, and set some real boundaries for the way you disagree, or vent your frustrations to each other.

I would love to interview your kids, I am sure they would love to tell you both to shut up. By now you should have both come to the conclusion that arguing is not solving a darn thing and you both have to work together to learn how to talk, and listen. That takes a lot longer than 3 freakin'' weeks, it may take YEARS, so buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

[brigde]

Comment on talaniman's post

I 45,he 50 4 kids, new 4 years before marriage, was not pregnant, married 17 years, he used to help out a few months of year now its all year for LITTLE pay , it causes rows with me, not him , its not violent he a gentle man ,I have own business,

Comment on J_9's post

No, me rowing , he won't row, no violence or abuse only me giving off constantly,

Comment on DoulaLC's post

Thanks will do , but he thinks its all me , I no I have a lot to do with it but he won't change he says he doing nothing wrong, its like banging my head against a wall,

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

Thanks, I do feel that if he won't but the effort into it what's the point,

[talaniman]

Could he being getting ready to take on the family business?? Give the guy some space, stop "rowing" and going off, and relinquish some control, boss lady, and your house will be quiet, and maybe he will have nothing to blame on you.

I think he is retaliating against you for going off so much. I would too, I think, just to get some measure of dignity, and self respect. Self defense as I see it!

Try not "rowing" for a month and see if there is a marked difference in his attitude and behavior, and let him do his thang for himself, while he can. He ain't no spring chicken any more.

Which one of you is going thru the change in life crisis? That's what it sounds like, and can you being going through it together? YIKES?? It too will pass if you let it, so remember, for you, MUMS THE WORD!!!! SHHHHHHH!!

[J_9]

Comment on J_9's post

no,, me rowing , he wont row, no violence or abuse only me giving off constantly,,

Row what a boat? Do you mean arguing?

[talaniman]

"rowing", in Texas it means pitching a b1tch.

"giving off" in Texas it means pitching a b1tch.

[brigde]

Comment on J_9's post

Yes sorry thought , every body had a row , but yes

Comment on talaniman's post

Can't get you . No its not a famly biss ,its his brothers, I agree about retaliating, but why , and he IS DOING HIS THING that is it, he works 24,7 for buttos, while I work, look after home kids bills etc etc, he does pay car insue, oil, coal, b

Are you in Texas, well in ireland it means argueing, and I not going through the change, but he just turned 50 , and what do you mean , mums the word,

[talaniman]

and what do you mean , mums the word,

Try not "rowing", or "giving off" for a month, no matter what. It takes two to argue, and see if it makes a difference. Where did he work before, and for how long? Why did he leave?

Is this all about finances?

[Cat1864]

Please use the Answer Box at the bottom of the page to respond to the thread instead of using the Comment box. It gives you more room to respond without worrying about running out of space. Thank you.

Communicating is more than vocalizing your needs and desires. It is encouraging and listening to the other person explain what he/she needs. Rowing/arguing/fighting/whatever term is used does not promote healthy a healthy dialog or working together on a compromise.

From what you have described, I am not certain if you have ever truly paid attention to what he has tried to say. Have you?

Quite frankly, I have noticed that those who want to give up on counseling after only three weeks are usually starting to see things in themselves that they don't want to recognize. Also, they tend to want to skip over all the hard work that learning to communicate and compromise entails. This is one of the many things in Life that one get's out what one puts in (in some cases, the return is even greater than the investment, but it takes a very long time to see it.)

Keep going for yourself even if he doesn't go. Learn how you can better commincate with him and put those lessons into practice. If you make changes for the better (for example: learning how to talk instead of 'row'), it will affect those around you.

[brigde]

Cat... I am the one who is going he was going to stop after the 2nd time we went togeather as he thought it was bullying him , heshe the counceler told him that if he was not going to even try then she would or could not work, it was me who asked him to keep going and it was me who rang the counceler and asked her if we could continue, I have told him I would stop rowing and try 100 percent and I am willing to put my all into it , but if he won't change , that is what I meant what is it all for , I am so despret to get my family back if it meant I had to change, but how can I do it all, I no you think I am the one but its not, I have a man that is so good harted but when it comes to working on his brothers farm he forgets he has a family to the extent he will,, as he has said, work 24 hours 7 days a week and if he gets 2 days money then that suits him life is to short,, now what about his kids his wife his house his resposability to us, I have worked all my life I have not ever asked him for anything that I have not paid for , evey debt we have is in my name , as he never stick long anough in any thing as it would interfer with his time spent on the farm , he is as the counceler sead, not seeing the bigger picture , I have the best man in the world but when he is there he isint anywere else,,

[brigde]

No its not all about money it's a big issue , its about him being there, he isint there emotionly of financiely. He just won't do anything around ouside our house , we have bult it now 14 years my street was like we just moved in, the house was never painted outside ,I had a leek under the dishwasher that was tripping the fuses and he never bothered, he used to be very proud of his work and took pride in his house but it became that he never bothered there eather, it ate up time he could be in the farm , it sounds as if he couldint love me, dosint it, but when that ever came up he would never say that he didn't , he loves me despretly and there is and never be any other woman for him and I no and feel it too , but then why can't he put me and his kids first , that's why I aked him to leave as our children who are 16 13 10 and 3, are feeling it and our eldest has told him he is wronge as she has seen the way he is, he is not bothering about the 2 eldest as they see he is not putting any effort into us, he has never had a long job in the middle of our marriage he worked in a job fot year and half the longist , he is very handy he can do anything , tilling he is a pipe fitter by trade, he is the hardest worker, but he leaves making the money to me ,

[Homegirl 50]

I get that you are tired and desperate. You see your family falling apart and your husband does not seem to care. I think this job may be his way of escape. He does not have any responsibilities and he does not have to deal with you are the family.
Stop arguing with him, continue the counseling for you.
He will either want to get himself together or he won't but in the meantime, you will be in a better frame of mind.