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MaiHeart33 · Dec 20, 2010, 02:42 PM

I have been with my boyfriend off and on for 18yrs. We were high school sweethearts. He use to cheat on me all of the time and I would either accept it or become involved in other relationships. We had our son and we still were living apart I started to become involved again with the same married man I would use off and on to get my revenge on my boyfriend. At one point in time we tried again and he ended up moving away to be with some young lady who was a freshman in college living in the dorms. He would rent motel rooms by the day or week. He even tranferred his job to were she was at and left me and our son about to be evicted. We keep playing this on and off again game for the next 7years, when we moved back in together and he then said he needed to move out and see what it feels like to be on his own... HUH you were supposed to be doing that all of these years. Well he then fell in love with a terminally ill girl but was not committed to her just kind of felt bad that she had an illness. We were still having sex and I became pregnant with out daughter. He didn't want her and tried to fight me to get rid of her because of the sick chick. While I was recovering in the hospital from my c-section he was getting her massages and tiffany jewelry and flowers. Not once did I get anything. He then told me he was ready to settle down and be together no more games. Well the day after my birthday the girl emailed me and informed me that he was just with her on the day after my birthday... now we did not do anything for my birthday cause he claimed we were broke!! Again I forgave him. I soon broke his codes to his phone and email and found out that he had been involved with 4 women from his job.. and just a few months ago he was fired and he gave me this bogus excuse saying they did not like his management skills which was definitely not the case. I hacked into his email and found a letter he wrote to his hr person saying he was sorry and he was just trying to make the girl feel comfortable and that they did not have any type of relationship of a sexual nature. And he would like to continue his employment there he has learned his lesson. It was dated around the same time he was fired... he has lied about everything unless I have proof right there in his face... wat am I to do. Should I leave, I have loved him for so long and fought so hard for this relationshp. Well he every do right and be honest if he does end up messing up. The fact that he lies hurts more that the action behind the lie... What should I do?

answerme_tender · Dec 20, 2010, 03:03 PM

No offense but its been 18 years when exactly do you think he is going to start to change!! He lies,lies, and then lies somemore. Then question is when are you going to stop falling for his lies!!

You both have cheated on each other, after all this time don't you want to wake up to a man who you KNOW IS YOURS and YOURS ALONE!! How is this ever going to happen if you stay with him.

You have 2 children that need examples to be shown to them of how a real relationship works, not this we are together oh wait daddy cheated so now we aren't together,oh wait mommy doesn't want to be alone so has forgiven daddy for cheating so he is back with us, oh wait daddy wants to be with another woman---blah,blah,blah. Good luck

DoulaLC · Dec 20, 2010, 04:30 PM

You have fought so hard for this relationship but is it the sort of relationship you want to keep having?

As long as he can find other women who will get involved with him, he isn't likely to change. No doubt he knows you aren't happy about all of it and that hasn't been enough for him to stop.

There comes a time when you will realize that he very well could be telling the truth this time, but after so many lies, how would you ever know?

If you can't trust him, or believe what he says, what you have is a hollow shell of a relationship.

Just_Another_Lemming · Dec 20, 2010, 05:51 PM

Originally Posted by MaiHeart33

wat am I to do. Should I leave, i have loved him for so long and fought so hard for this relationshp. well he every do right and be honest if he does end up messing up. The fact that he lies hurts more that the action behind the lie.......What should I do?

I agree with both posters above. I am so sorry you are in such emotional pain. The fact that you mention you have been together 18 years but have not made any mention of a discussion of marriage between the two of you is a huge red flag. The bottom line is: your boyfriend is not only selfish and a womanizer, he is a serial cheater. The only way he might become monogamous at this point in his life is through heavy counseling and his unwaivering committment/desire to change his ways. It doesn't sound as if he has any desire to do so.

I think you need to return here in a week and reread what you have written here with as objective an eye as possible. If someone else (such as any of us here) wrote your post, what would your advice be to us?

I believe deep down you really do know what you have to do. It is time for you to move on from this man. You need to accept that due to his chronic lying his promises to you will always be empty and you will never be able to trust anything he says. If you need help breaking off this relationship permanently, please give yourself the gift of a good counselor. He/she will aid you in separating yourself from this entangled and co-dependent life you and your boyfriend have created for yourselves so you won't fall back into your old patterns. At first it won't be easy but I promise, if you give it enough time, you will find your life won't be as complicated and filled with all the emotional upheavals as it has been for the past 18 years. Please take the time to find yourself again. You need to learn to live with (and love) yourself before you can learn to live with someone else again. Once you can accomplish that, you can then move on to finding and experiencing what a normal loving relationship is about.

talaniman · Dec 24, 2010, 12:35 PM

You both are dysfunctional and need help because for the life of me I can't see the difference between his lying and cheating from the last 18 years from the newest one. For that matter, you have enough lying and cheating on your side to match his so what's the problem??

As I see it, once you have healed, you probably will get revenge by lying and cheating yourself. Hasn't that been the pattern for 18 years?

Break the cycle by getting child support, and giving up on each other and get healthy lives. Well at least you get one, without him in it!!

Since this in no way resembles a marriage it was moved to relationships, but missing persons would be more appropriate.