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    zeeee's Avatar
    zeeee Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 13, 2010, 01:18 AM
    Wife's Sex Drive
    "I am 26.. Been married for a year and a half. My wife is 23. If I had it my way we would have sex twice a day but my wife happy with 1 time/month. What amazes me is we don't have kids yet. I love sex and the act of sex. With my wife its like my turn.. im good... your turn.. you good.. we done. Please advise me.. Is cheating my only option?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Dec 13, 2010, 02:10 AM

    I can't believe you jumped right to cheating, honestly.

    Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health, etc"?

    First off, is this something new, or has her sex drive always been this low?

    Second--if it's a new-ish thing, then what ELSE has changed in that time?

    Third--what have you tried?

    Fourth--no one here is going to give you a get out of jail free card to go cheat. If this is new, then you owe it to your wife to get to the bottom of it, whether it is psychological or physical. If it's something that's been a constant the whole time--well, you KNEW what you were getting into when you got married.

    Fifth--what does she say when you TALK to her about it? Not accuse her, not nag her for sex, not get angry and frustrated because you aren't "getting enough"--but simply TALK about it.

    There are too many things we do NOT know to be able to help you. It could be anything from her birth control pill, to childhood molestation, to the fact that you just suck in bed and she's never had an orgasm--and no one wants to have sex when they don't have an orgasm. And if you don't think it can be faked, please watch "When Harry Met Sally". It could be that she's just exhausted from work/school/whatever. My husband and I don't have kids, but I have medical issues, work between 40 and 60 hours a week, and go to school. I'm closer to that "once a month" right now simply because I am freaking EXHAUSTED.

    So--without knowing more of what's going on, we can't help you. But no, you don't get to cheat. You either get to stay and work it out, stay and masturbate a lot, or leave.
    Aleeravilu's Avatar
    Aleeravilu Posts: 77, Reputation: 22
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    #3

    Dec 13, 2010, 05:26 AM
    What kind of husbands are you? Wanting to cheat just because your wife can't satisfy your sex drive.
    Talk to her and sort this thing out please.
    And yes, try to think again whether her sex drive has always been this low or is this recently?
    Please be fair to your wife. Don't ever think about cheating again.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #4

    Dec 13, 2010, 06:43 AM
    Cheating is NOT an option. Cheating should NEVER be an option.

    You say you 'love sex', but you don't mention loving her? Being in love with your spouse is not automatically a given piece of information. It is very worrying that you would put getting more sex above your marriage vows even if there aren't the strong feelings of love.

    Was she a virgin when you married?

    Are there any cultural or religious reasons she might be not be as into sex as you are?

    If she thinks that sex is a chore, have you tried to show her that arousal can be good? Do you ever show affection when you aren't wanting sex? Do you hold her hand or cuddle or give her a caress on the cheek just because it feels good? Do you make love to her mind or do you expect her to want to be ready for sex when you are?
    hellocharmaine's Avatar
    hellocharmaine Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Dec 13, 2010, 08:32 PM
    I agree with everyone above. Cheating is never, ever an option. However, I know how you're feeling because I'm in a similar boat, except I'm a woman. Yes, I'm a woman with a man who barely ever wants sex. I'm hot, willing, and experimental, yet we have sex but once a month. HOWEVER...
    I love my boyfriend dearly and that love is so overwhelming that I simply cannot put sex at such a high level. There is so much more to my boyfriend than sex--do you honestly feel that way about your wife? Also, here is just a short list of things that can eff up sex drive:

    Birth control pills
    Depression meds
    Stress
    Exhaustion
    Anxiety
    Past abuse
    Religious beliefs
    Irrational fears
    Drug abuse

    Talk to your wife.
    zeeee's Avatar
    zeeee Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Dec 14, 2010, 12:38 AM
    Well, I am not looking for a easy "card" to go cheat. I merely mentioned cheating as the last resort. My vows mean a lot thus the faithfullness. I have never cheated and will never, I am the type to break things off first. However, I am very frustrated. When we were engaged we had sex at least 4 times a week.

    My first fear is that she is having the "we married therefore I don't need to try anymore". I feel this mentality might be the source of our problem but every time I say lets talk about how I feel about the matter she becomes very defensive. She says I should not have those thoughts as a married man I should be just content with however she is because she will never be "that woman". This is a notion I haven't understood and maybe other females can help. Just because I am in need of more sexual activity does not imply that she is inferior to other women. Does it? I am not ignorant and I understand that they are some emotions even on my most sensitive day I will never understand but I need help.

    Nothing has changed in terms of her daily routine or medication that would be cause for investigation. Im stuck... suggestions anyone.

    I mean I cook, clean the house, do laundry... I mean usually not just one time thing. Yes.. call me domesticated but I am.. Women call it "compromise"... lol

    Help me...

    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #7

    Dec 14, 2010, 06:36 AM

    Since your wife gets defensive every time you try and bring this up maybe she is having trouble hearing you without feeling accused.

    Maybe you can try writing her a letter, where you reassure you that you love her and tell her that you miss the physical closeness you used to share. Try and express your feelings while making sure you project no blame. Give her time to read and digest it before expecting a response.

    Another possibility occurs to me when you say, 'She says I should not have those thoughts as a married man.' I'm not sure I fully understand this myself but there are people for whom marriage puts a sudden end to their sex drive. It seems to be based on some underlying negative feelings from how they viewed their parents' marriage being translated into their own.

    Will she consider going to counselling with you to get to the bottom of this?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #8

    Dec 14, 2010, 08:53 AM
    I agree that counselling is needed here.

    When needs and wants become reduced to such a degree that the problem is seen as 'only' her lack of desire, this needs to be investigated a little more. You need more, she needs less. There has to be, between that dividing line, a reason for both your needs not being met.

    Until the reason 'why' is understood, nothing you can do will have her suddenly change into a person who wants what you do, and the problem will be solved. There is no magic pill, and there are not enough dishes in the world for you do do, for her to feel 'obligated' to meet your needs.

    I presume you do those things anyway- housework chores- and not just to get her in the sack as 'payment' or out of 'obligation'.

    I think if she were to express herself better, you may have more of a clue than you have now. But, she clearly knows what you want, and you clearly know what she doesn't want, and this is causing a rift in the relationship, and more particularly, in the communication part of the relationship.

    Why not try counselling and see if you both can't get a better understanding of what is really going on.
    zeeee's Avatar
    zeeee Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Dec 15, 2010, 04:54 AM
    Well, I don't necessarily feel counseling will be a solution. Why? Well, I feel this would just cause more friction and magnify our small other issues. Maybe I will try the letter. I think that would be the next step as, though subtle , it will be effective. It transfer the understanding of my verbal word to her interpretation of written words, that might help. Thanks guys. It helps to hear other people confirm and question my thought process.

    I wish my parent really explained how much SEX was a part of being with someone. I am so happy with my wife and would not trade her for anything but I just want some sexual healing.. lol

    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #10

    Dec 15, 2010, 05:46 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by zeeee View Post
    My first fear is that she is having the "we married therefore I don't need to try anymore". I feel this mentality might be the source of our problem but every time I say lets talk about how I feel about the matter she becomes very defensive. She says I should not have those thoughts as a married man I should be just content with however she is because she will never be "that woman".
    I don't think telling her what you need is going to help until you find out what is going through her mind. Has she ever told you who 'that woman' is?

    What do you know about her parents' marriage or concept of what intimacy should be after marriage?

    To be honest, it sounds like she is struggling with the concept of being a 'proper wife' and encouraging you to be the 'proper husband'. She seems to be repressing her sex drive to fit a stereotype of a wife. I think it will only get worse if you have children or if you seem to be pressing for more sex.

    From what you have written, she went from 'playmate' to 'prim and proper'. I am not sure how you can help her see that marriage does not mean an end to having fun and being intimate for pleasure without counseling.

    How do you show affection when aren't expecting sex? Do you hold hands, cuddle, etc. Do you go out together like you did before marriage?
    Handyman2007's Avatar
    Handyman2007 Posts: 988, Reputation: 73
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    #11

    Dec 15, 2010, 09:16 AM

    There is a big misconception hat young people have about marriage "I'm going to get laid ALL of the time for the rest of my life.. Well guess what? Not true as you are finding out. Sex is a wonderful thing but unfortunately, life tends to get in the way of tings like that Is there still romance in your relationship? Do you take her out to dinner once in a while? Do you make her feel important (without putting her on a pedestal? There are so many reasons this can happen.
    Do not cheat. You will feel guilty and you will be alone after she divorces you for being a real ****. Work on it.
    Clemintine's Avatar
    Clemintine Posts: 105, Reputation: 30
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    #12

    Dec 16, 2010, 05:23 PM
    I think you should aim to ask her how she feels, not tell her how you think she might be feeling. Fearing she doesn't feel like she needs to try anymore is a valid fear you might have, but it might not be true at all!
    In reply to that fear you have, you say you think that is the source of the problem. No wonder she might get defensive if your telling her she is the reason these things are going badly right now! Weather that is true or not, it would not be the way to starting that conversation.
    I DO think couples therapy is a VERY good idea, when couples start to have a hard time communicating they drift apart, start shutting off from one another, or cheating. That is a very sad outcome, it can be avoided, you both need to re-learn how to connect!
    I do not know how it could magnify smaller issues or cause more stress in your relationship, because that is exactly what couples therapy teaches you NOT to do. If your therapist is making things worse for you two, then they are doing something wrong! You can always shop around for the right fit. Therapists are not psychiatrists, they won't prescribe you pills or analyze you in a doctor kind of treating someone sick view (not that they all do anyway), they will listen and care and really help couples to re connect. I speak from experience that it can be a very very useful tool in helping people get back to loving one another, and not fighting or feeling neglected.
    I suggest a therapist who specializes in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) It has a high success rate, including the personal vouch from my experience with it.
    I urge you to consider the idea, and consider asking your wife about it too.
    Also a letter is a good idea! Writing out can be a good way to convey how you have been feeling, even writing it out and sitting down and reading it to her so you don't lose track of what you need to get off your chest.
    I do with you good luck and that things get better for you two, and that you don't resort to cheating!
    Clemintine's Avatar
    Clemintine Posts: 105, Reputation: 30
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    #13

    Dec 16, 2010, 05:24 PM
    Comment on Clemintine's post
    I do wish you good luck*
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #14

    Dec 17, 2010, 09:48 AM
    First "option" is to deterine what you need. What is your walk away line? And much of the time we lie to ourselves about what we want versus need.

    Then you talk to her about this. Not accusing. You talk about your need and wants and you ask her about her need and wants.

    Who the hell knows if she has needs you are ignoring, not meeting, neglecting?

    I am not accusing you of anything. Her drive could be fundamentally lower. Fine. Why is it lower? Stress? Health? Sleep? Timing? Does she have needs you aren't aware of... needing you to be more assertive? Needing distraction? Time away? etc...

    Cheating while married? Really? no... this isn't your only option.

    There's the find-the-balls-to-be-a-man option, where you face her or leave her but don't cheat on her while lying about being a devoted husband option. Just saying...

    Ungh. Done.

    Please post back. I'm not looking to fight but I will challenge you. And that's a way to find the truth and some answers, if that is what you really want.
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #15

    Dec 18, 2010, 02:06 AM

    I'm going to jump on the bandwagon here! This will come across as mean but this is strictly my opinion and don't reddie me based on opinion. (happend the last time ;))

    First off you are a very weak, naïve, and shallow man for EVEN contemplating cheating on your wife. Plain & Simple!

    You can make excuses all day and try to justify your words with more excuses and BS but we know better.

    Let me break it down for you!

    "If I had it my way we would have sex twice a day"

    I, I, I... selfish! If you want it your way go to Burger King.

    "I merely mentioned cheating as the last resort."
    Merely? Ohhh hey guys cheating is no big deal. Everyone's doing it! Give me a break you say merely like it's a daily routine for you!

    "What amazes me is we don't have kids yet."
    Why did you write this. This doesn't pertain to anything!

    "I love sex and the act of sex."
    First off the act of sex is sex. No difference there. Secondly, so what you're saying is you like to bust n' bolt. No love making, passionate foreplay. Nowhere in here did you say them words. It sounds like you're just looking to get off. Wrong attitude my friend.

    "I have never cheated and will never"
    After what you wrote... I don't think you even believe this one!

    "I mean I cook, clean the house, do laundry..."
    Are you expecting a free sex pass because you're cleaning your own house, cooking your own food, and doing your own laundry. You say it like your wife is expected to do it, but you do it so you expect sex from it. Why can't the man just pick up a broom without expecting his wife too?

    "Just because I am in need of more sexual activity"
    The only thing you're in need of is counseling.

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