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    steviep19's Avatar
    steviep19 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 6, 2010, 08:32 AM
    My Girlfriend is stubborn and won't talk to me...
    Hi, here goes... hope you're sitting comfortably!

    Been going out with my current girlfriend almost 18 months now, things were great, 2 months in, we started renting a house - never been happier, we spent the firs 8-9 months so in love, head over heels, both never been happier ever and we told each other.

    In April (9 months in) I took her to Paris and proposed to her, she said yes! Unbelievable, we had the best 4 days and had a great laugh!

    Ever since then its been going a little downhill. She has a 21 month old child and I took her and her daughter on from 4 months old. Took a while to adapt, but I got there. Now, her baby's dad was an old acquaintance of mine, I knew him in my circle of friends, I wouldn't say we were bosom buddies, more just someone who was there when we went out.

    In June she broke up with me, told me he needed space, and we both very quickly moved back home. 3 weeks went by and I was pining after her, we met up a few times to talk and we had the odd kiss and cuddle and it was very sincere. Only to find she then told me she'd slept with her ex and been out with him a few times.

    He's no role model for her daughter at all, he sees her one day a week for 7-8 hours - and had previously dropped from 2 evenings and all weekend, to just Sundays.

    I was gutted, didn't know what to do... anyway, we got back together - things were fine but I was so insecure - and probably still am. I found myself asking questions I didn't want to know the answers to and was in a very strange place, one I've never been before - however I still knew I loved this girl and her daughter unconditionally.

    After 6-8 weeks together we decided to buy a house, we were both excited and it was a joint decision. We spent time looking for furniture and agreed on things... The deposit for the house was all mine (except for maybe £500) anyway, now its come round to just about moving in she's gone cold feet on me...

    Telling me "she needs space", "she feels trapped", "feels like she can't have an opinion if its not the same as mine" Now I know I have to come to terms with the fact I'm not her daughters dad, but she calls me dadda and it warms my heart because we have a really good bond to say she is 21 months.

    I have done everything right by her, but I feel she is treating me unfairly given everything I have done/do for her.

    It's been really hard not seeing her everyday like we used to, so I've found that frustrating.

    When we first laid eyes on each other it was love at first sight, we had known each other before she got pregnant and talked a bit over the Internet, when she became single I jumped at the chance to be with her again (and she did me too to be fair).

    We don't always see eye-to-eye but she has the tendency to shy away. For my own security and sanity, I've had to ask questions about the relationship for my own reassurances. She says this is pushing her away, and I've told her I needed to know to be able to "get over it" as such.

    Any help/advice welcome!
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #2

    Dec 6, 2010, 10:10 AM
    I feel that your insecurity issues have affected this relationship. What happened between her and her ex was during the time when you were broken up, no? Now 3 weeks is not a lot of time so, I would also have to question her character in jumping back into the sack with her ex during that short time.

    Also, you agreed to jump back into the relationship for the second time when you knew how it affected you. I think that insecurity isseues are very hard to deal with when you are in a relationship. Keep in mind that this is your second time around which means there were other problems that made you break up in the first time.
    I don't think 3 weeks was enough time for both of you to reflect back and work on the issues that caused the first breakup. Furthermore, on top of all that, after 6 weeks you throw in the added pressures and commitments of buying a house together.

    Flying at things a little to fast perhaps? My advice would be to stay apart. Accept the breakup and after 2 times, you tried. Work on your feelings of insecurity so, you don't transfer it into your next relationship. Let everything settle for a while and I think you will gain a new perspective on this relationship.
    jmw0713's Avatar
    jmw0713 Posts: 1,012, Reputation: 305
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    #3

    Dec 6, 2010, 11:52 AM

    Wow. This was a whirlwind story. Like ironhide said, you two moved WAY too fast. I can understand moving in together after dating for a year or two, but two months in? No way! Proposing to her 9 months in? Now way! (Although I won't say it never works, that is generally too fast.) Then she breaks up with you for three weeks, gets her kicks and comes back and you buy a house with her? Really?

    You need to seriously take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. You accept her right back after she basically puts you in limbo and screws around with her ex. No thank you. You probably should have cut and run there. All of this sounds extremely needy on your part and in turn her actions feed your insecurities.

    Telling me "she needs space", "she feels trapped", "feels like she can't have an opinion if its not the same as mine"
    Of course she feels this way. You have totally immersed yourself into EVERY aspect of her life and have started making decisions that affect you, her, and her child. Who wouldn't feel trapped?

    Now I know I have to come to terms with the fact I'm not her daughters dad
    You should have known this from the start. She already has a father, and your girl already deals with him. She doesn't need to deal with two fathers. You have over stepped your boundary there. I'm not saying you can't care about the kid, but you are the boyfriend and she is not your daughter and therefore really isn't your domain.

    When we first laid eyes on each other it was love at first sight, we had known each other before she got pregnant and talked a bit over the internet, when she became single I jumped at the chance to be with her again (and she did me too to be fair).
    Don't ever think that the other person shares the same feelings about you that you do with them. You're setting yourself up for heart ache when you do that.

    You need to really reevaluate your relationship and your overall role with this girl and her child.
    pandead's Avatar
    pandead Posts: 280, Reputation: 228
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    #4

    Dec 6, 2010, 12:09 PM
    Taking a step forward like buying a house together right after a breakup is pretty much the same as getting married or having a kid "to save the relationship." A lot of people do that and guess what, it doesn't work for the most part, they just find themselves in a lot more trouble than before.

    Also, a lot of people give a second (or third, or fourth) chance to a relationship because they think they can get over whatever caused the breakup in the first place. The more you invest in it, the harder it is to accept the reality.

    I have to agree with the posts above, you let your insecurities take over and you made bad decisions. As much as it "felt like" her daughter was yours, you are not that kid's father. As much as she seems like the right person, she broke up with you and ran back to her ex. Too bad you didn't get the hint when she told you.

    What I'm trying to say is: we always want to believe in something special. You know, "the one." I'm not judging you, I did it too - let's be honest, I still do... But sometimes our desires make us see wrong things in wrong places, wrong people. Don't you think it's time to open your eyes and see things for what they really are?
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #5

    Dec 6, 2010, 12:32 PM
    There are some good replies from the others. You should read them and take it in.

    Living together a couple months after dating I guess isn't as big of a deal as it seems. You can do that. But you don't run out and start talking marriage just because your still in the honeymoon phase. In this time of course its all perfect and feels like she is the one. But your still getting to know each other and that's the exciting part of it. Its all new. You truly need to take the time and explore each other and see it all. I am sure if you had waited there would not have been a proposal. Or you maybe would have second guessed it.

    From the way I am looking at it you have fallen far deeper then her. You now grasping at whatever you can to keep her. Are you able to afford this house if it doesn't work out? Is her name also on the mortgage? Why would you take this huge leap if you aren't so secure in your relationship? A house isn't going to make her love you if she doesn't. That was a mistake.

    As far as her child. That baby has a daddy. Its not you. It doesn't matter if he only sees her once in a while. But he is still her daddy. Although its great you bonded and its all well you need to realize you will never be. You will always only be a step dad if it ever came to that. Its up to that child to decide if she sees you as a "father figure" not you.

    Reading it all, I think you need to give her the time she asked for. Truly. I think your in deeper then her and she doesn't seem ready for it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Dec 6, 2010, 04:38 PM

    The others are dead on that you moved way to fast in just 18 months with a vulnerable person who needed love and support for herself and her daughter. In reality you were a rebound that helped her get through what had to be a very hard time. But as most rebounds go, when the patient is strong enough to stand on their own again, they leave and do their thing. Sorry guy, but she no longer needs your love, and support any longer, and you have to let her go.
    steviep19's Avatar
    steviep19 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Dec 7, 2010, 03:36 PM
    Hi

    Thanks for all your replies.Given this opportunity with this girl again, I would take your advice on board. However there's aspects of the relationship SHE agreed to/with as well and it all seemed very natural and normal at the time to both of us. This is the first relationship I've ever imagined lasting a life time and it looks dead in the water.

    I do think, she needs to TALK to me. I will give her time and there will be a point where we need to talk money/mortgages etc and I can only hope I am a better, more suitable person by then.

    Thanks again for all your comments - I will take onboard.



    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Dec 7, 2010, 05:26 PM

    I hope you get some good LEGAL advice for what to do about the money, and the mortgage. You have rights, and so does she. Best to know them BEFORE you talk!
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #9

    Dec 9, 2010, 10:33 AM
    I don't want to be rude but you should have thought about the house payment before you bought it. You both should have had the thought if you could afford it alone should something happen. I am on my second mortgage and that's the thought that ran over my mind several times even after being married 14 years I still think it. Things happen in life and you need to be prepared for the unexpected. So don't go running after her for a down payment you probably were happy to hand out thinking you were winning her over doing it.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #10

    Dec 9, 2010, 10:45 AM

    I think you need to to hire a lawyer and get your house. I don't care how much you love her, she's not worth going broke over.

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