[BoudiccaMetal]

My boyfriend and me have been together for a long time. We have no problems talking about getting married. As a little girl I always dreamed of being a "princess" bride in a glamorous wedding. I realize that dream is a little far-fetched, but I'd still like to have a decent formal wedding.
However, my boyfriend thinks it's a wonderful idea to be as thrifty as possible. He says that I should just buy a second hand dress from a thrift store; he believes buying a bunch of birthday cakes and stacking them together is a great alternative to a wedding cake. He also thinks that having the wedding anywhere else but in our back yard is a bad idea :|
I told him that it's a good idea to be careful with expenditures, especially with weddings, but his ideas are a little too... thrifty. I said I would be willing to work with him in terms of ideas, but he won't listen to me. What should I do?

[Fr_Chuck]

First who is paying for the wedding and how much budget is there ?

For example, here in Atlanta, one can do a wedding at the Bot. Gardens around all sort of flowering exibits for a couple hundred dollars ( not counting the cost of the preacher) There are outside weddings at the country club for less than 200 hundred ( the inside weddings are often in the 1000's)

You do do it at many state parks, or city parks for free or less than 50 dollars.

As for the dress, Ok I am a practical person, can it not be a wonderful dress that can be used latter for a evening gown or other use, But if you are going to pay for and buy your own dress ( or your family is perhaps) he really has little say in it.
Next of course is there a family member who is great at sewing, that could even make a dress ?

And while "cheap" there are many places for a reception, that are private rooms in restaurants or catered by small family business that are not as costly.
But even a reception at the home with family members bringing in dishes are done all the time around here.

For the pastor, or official, shop around, check out craigs list, I post for weddings there myself,
Other sites are places like wedplan.com and many others where you shop places, flowers and pastors.

For photos, what I have seen lately, is everyone is given a disposable camera, and a couple family members have digital ones, at the end, you have 100's of photos and can sort though the best ones.
Then you use a online photo store, and can do a wedding book, that will challenge some professionals for less than 100 dollars.

But the best wedding I did all year, with the most love in it, was the one where we did the wedding at the spot he asked her to marry him, in front of a fountain.
It was outside a coffee house, and everyone meet at the coffee house, ( that day it ended up raining) but we did the wedding in the rain, ( they were shocked I would do it for them in the rain)

Everyone was wet by the time we got back to the coffee house and did a small reception there.

[BoudiccaMetal]

I was actually thinking of having our wedding in a park or at the national park (rockies) here in alberta. I want something cheap as well, but memorable. :) We haven't figured out a monetary value yet. Just cheap!

But, no offense, we aren't thinking of getting a pastor. We aren't a religious couple. :) Also, he's definitely not paying for everything. It's a 50/50 deal.

[Jake2008]

Stacking birthday cakes to make wedding cake? Is he going to use Easter Eggs to decorate the Christmas tree? ;)

I see this as two sides having the same goal- the wedding- but completely different visions of how it should be done.

What I would do, is sit him down for a wedding planning meeting. Arrange for him to have a list of what he wants, and you have a list of what you want. Wish lists to be exact.

Then start negotiating. He should not expect to have things 100% his way, and you shouldn't expect to compromise 100% his way. This is a partnership, and both of you are paying 50%, so are equal in making decisions.

If he has 'backyard' on his list, why not substitute 'park' as you said earlier. If you want a proper photographer, and he wants Uncle Joe to take the photo's, do like Chuck said, and have everybody take photos with disposable cameras.

Keep going through the list, and realize that not all the items will be resolved- this time. Agree to work together for a 1/2 hour, then put it away. You will have an idea of where he's coming from, and he will have an idea of where you are coming from.

Then, meet again in a week or so, and tackle the list again. If you can each resolve to do this without arguing, and instead being flexible and considerate, it will all work out to a workable list.

But, under no circumstances should you negotiate stacking birthday cakes and making that the Wedding cake! Even if you have to make it yourself, or have that as one of your priorities, but be willing to negotiate the price and size of the cakes.

By the way, I love Alberta. Best of luck to you both.

[Cat1864]

This does look like a great exercise in Communications and Compromise. I love Jake's suggestions about the lists.

One thing to hold tight to no matter what is decided about the wedding is that it is one day in a lifetime. (A special day, but the love you share together and with others is what makes it memorable.) It isn't the climax of the story ending with "...and they lived happily ever after." It is the beginning of a new chapter in a, hopefully, very long book.

I am concerned that he doesn't want to listen to you. Would it help open him up if you showed him ways that a dream wedding can be done with little cost? There may even be cheaper alternatives to stacking birthday cakes ( ;) ) such as, if you have someone who can bake in the 'family' doing the cake or maybe take a less traditional approach and think about a display of cupcakes.

Do you agree already on anything like the number of guests and when to have the wedding (time of year)?

We do have a board for Weddings if you would like suggestions or ideas. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/weddings/

[answerme_tender]

I like all the others idea's on how to approach more economical means for the wedding.

Here is another point of view, and Im not trying to get anyone upset!

Maybe I am the only one who has gotten a wedding invitation for a couple who have lived together for along time, already have an established household, even children that already in school. You go to this wedding it is an lavish, she has spent thousands of dollars on this white wedding dress and several brides maid, etc, the reception is so over board, that is almost more of a joke then seen as a joining. Why not just a simple wedding, with simply reception that isn't a burden on their pocket book.

Anyway, your fiancé could be thinking a little bit along these lines, could be why he just doesn't see putting too much money into a wedding. Im sure its also because he doesn't want to spend any money! Anyway just want to put out there a different perspective. I wish you luck on your wedding.

[dontknownuthin]

I think that if you were to get together with a financial planner and all your financial resources and documents and bills, etc. you could make a financial plan for your whole lives. Include the wedding. Once you have a plan in place, your boyfriend's worry about money (which is all this is about) will be honored, and your dream of a nice wedding will be possible.

It can be helpful to know what your families plan to do for your wedding as well. If your parents are planning to pay for part of it, it could really change things a lot for you.

Not only will making a financial plan resolve this issue, it will also set your marriage up for success. Not discussing, planning and honoring each other's financial objectives is probably the biggest reason people get divorced. Divorce is about the most financially devastating thing people can do. So, get that piece right before you even say your vows. Your boyfriend will enjoy the party a lot more if it doesn't look at all your hard work and think, "instead of these stupid favors, I could get the brakes fixed on my car". Men are great at compartmentalizing their thoughts, and if they can truly see the wedding budget as separate from the budget for other needs and wants, they can enjoy the wedding.

Take care!

[Picassa]

There have been lots of great suggestions for saving money on the wedding. I'd also like to suggest that beautiful worn-once designer wedding gowns are sold everyday on eBay for hundreds, if not thousands off their retail price. With a few alterations or changes, they can be perfect for looking and feeling like a princess on your special day. I've known three brides who went this route, looked gorgeous, and saved a ton.

Wedding cakes are expensive and a waste of money. I know of someone in the catering business who professionally decorated several stacked round boxes with icing and flowers for the photos, and then whisked the beautiful fake cake away after the couple cut and fed each other the one real slice inserted in the back. Next, individual pieces of cake (purchased somewhere like Costco) that were already cut and plated were brought out to guests. The caterer hadn't been told he was expected to do a cake until the morning of the wedding (when there wasn't time), but nobody suspected a thing.

It's not about the wedding day, it's about the marriage and creating your lives together. Save your money for the adventures you'll have together.

[Dellamortia]

We are planning to go to Vegas to get married. They have a lot of all inclusive packages that are really inexpensive and include quite a lot. Of course, we are planning to get married in the drive through in jeans and matching Geek T-Shirts. I guess what I am trying to say is it doesn't matter what you decide, as long as you are happy with it. You are going to have to live with the memory the rest of your life. To balance that, you also need to focus on the fact that the wedding is far less important than the actual marriage. Put some of this frustrated energy toward building something beautiful. Finally, remember that your boyfriend will continue to be thrifty after you are married (mine drives me up the wall) and if it's something you don't want, maybe you need to figure it out. This is forever, after all!

[xxxxy]

All I can say is I know how you feel. Good luck. I think I'll need all the luck too.