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Geoffersonairplane · Jan 7, 2007, 04:44 PM

Hi guys/gals,

I got reading someone else's thread which I responded to and it got me thinking about something I have recently done. Most of you already know about my history, I split up with my ex 4 months ago and she was the one to finish it after 3 years. I have had no contact whatsoever for 3 months although I found her on myspace a few weeks back and subsequently decided to remove my account. For those of you who don't know the history, here is a link to my first thread explaining the circumstances of the breakup: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

I have also recently changed my mobile number too and did this as a final means of adding to the no contact I have been so very good at maintaining within 3 long months. It got me thinking that if she ever did want to talk to me, if she really did, what message would this send out to her?

The fact that I changed my number. I am not saying she is going to call me because to my knowledge she has not. The thing is though, I still deeply love this woman and although hold little hope of getting back together with her, it scares me that I have made a decision to prevent her from being able to call me if she really wanted to. The again, I guess that this is negative thinking. If someone really wanted to speak to someone and they could not call them, surely they would search the ends of the earth to find them, in her case, by visiting my home or sending a letter or e-mailing me which are all options open to her.

I am not holding out for the hope that she will contact me, at least I don't think I am but I would not ignore her if she wanted to talk, then I would listen, if she wanted to explain things even if it meant nothing more than simply explaining things. Don't know, I think I did the right thing, I think I am just seeking reassurance here.

Bluerose · Jan 7, 2007, 05:17 PM

Geoffersonairplane,

"I have also recently changed my mobile number too and did this as a final means of adding to the no contact I have been so very good at maintaining within 3 long months. It got me thinking that if she ever did want to talk to me, if she really did, what message would this send out to her?"

Personally, I would think you had probably got a new phone for your Christmas, your computer is on the blink and you simply outgrew 'MySpace'.

Like you said, if she was keen to get back together she knows where you live.

The plain fact of the matter here is that she is too young for you, and I don't mean just in years. She has a lot to learn about life and needs to be allowed to do some growing up.

I think this one is over and you are still going through the process of accepting that fact.

chuff · Jan 7, 2007, 05:19 PM

Hey Geoff,

I think you did fine here. The truth is she could find you if she needed to. If she calls and gets finds out that your old number has been dicounted you can just tell her that the contract came up and you switched carriers. That's assuming it's done in the UK the way it's done in the US, where you get a phone number for a period until the contract you sign expires.

But truthfully your making great progress and you maintain such a positive attitude, you've grown by leaps and bounds since you first came here that I hate to see you start looking back. I think you making some tremendous positve advancements for yourself and you should not second guess it at this point about ANY choice you make that relates to your emotional well being and healing. Remember this no contact isn't to punish her or et back at her, it's for you and you alone. It may bring it's moments of doubt and difficultiy but it's the only way to really make the change and allow the acceptance that it's over.

I fully support this descion and quite frankly if she needs to contact you make her work for just the contact. She emotionally let herself out of the relationship before she physically left so you are under no obligation to be there in a physical sense if she tries to contact you.

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 7, 2007, 05:22 PM

Thanks for you response bluerose. I know you are right, she was too young for me on more than on level. Yes, I also think that deep down I am still going through this process although not as hurt as I felt 4 months back.. That was awful. I think it was just that this latest action I took kind of brought that out again, the reality that it really is over and part of me still struggles with this reality. I did not think about what you suggested, that it could simply mean I have been bought a new phone at Xmas, but that is a good point. I think I did the right thing and there is no going back now and even if there was, I would just be proving to myself that I am in some way trying to keep open the lines of communication.

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 7, 2007, 05:26 PM

Thanks for your response Chuff, I am glad that you think I have made the right decision here and that has reassured me. If I put myself in her shoes and really wanted to make contact, I would not give up at the first hurdle. Truth is I did it for myself as a further step into the moving on process, I think it just brought up a moment of confusion and uncertainty as to whether I was doing th right thing. I am pretty confident that this was a positive decision.

nwsflash · Jan 7, 2007, 05:33 PM

Geoff I think you have made the right choice and taking things step by step and moving on with your own life, as you said she still has your email address and knows where you live, so if she really badly wanted to see you then I'm sure she would... Most people if they do make contact with an ex after being apart for some time will do it by letter or by email.

I hope that you stay strong and keep doing well in your life.

BlazingCold · Jan 7, 2007, 05:50 PM

Hey Geoff.

I'm happy that you've made real steps in your healing process. Changing your number can feel good, as you sever ties with things that brought you pain. If she wants to contact you, she knows how, and wouldn't let a phone number change stop her. I know that great things are in store for someone as good as yourself.

You told me that we share similar experiences, but I never quite believed you. But now, looking back, it's rather uncanny how our breakups share many similarities. 2 months+ and still haven't heard from the ex. I'm in the same boat as you, as the depression grows less and the future looks brighter. I know that I will always love my ex, but my life has to go on, as not even she is worth giving up everything I've worked for.

Skell · Jan 7, 2007, 05:58 PM

Hi Geoff,

How's things. Back to work now after my christmas break and subsequently back to AMHD.

I don't see a problem with what you did. Not at all.
You should do anything you like that you think will assist in helping your healing. If changing your number is a part of that then change your number.

I wouldn't worry about her not being able to contact you or the message that it sends. As Bluerose said I would just think that you changed service providers or something and along with it got a new number.

She will be able to get a hold of you if she really wants to!

Bluerose · Jan 7, 2007, 05:59 PM

"I am pretty confident that this was a positive decision."

It was. And even if it seems a bit bumpy at times, you are on the right path.

Take care and all the very, very best for 2007! It will be what you make it.

talaniman · Jan 7, 2007, 09:54 PM

Hello Geoff, Seems before, and right around the holiday, some of the old memories and feelings find their way to the front of our brains which if you have been following the posts of others here, is pretty common and normal. Nothing to be ashamed about or worry about. I sill have the same thoughts and feeling for my exes surface suddenly and inexplicable, and its been , oh gosh 35- 40 years ago. I think its normal for us humans, and all you can do is sigh about it, and go HMMM, as daily life keeps you from thinking too much. So I dare say one day when your sitting in your wheelchair wondering where your hair went:eek: , this female will come back to pay your mind yet another visit, and all you can do is sigh an wipe the sweat from your bald head.:D

Skell · Jan 7, 2007, 10:01 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Hello Geoff, Seems before, and right around the holiday, some of the old memories and feelings find their way to the front of our brains which if you have been following the posts of others here, is pretty common and normal. Nothing to be ashamed about or worry about. I sill have the same thoughts and feeling for my exes surface suddenly and inexplicable, and its been , oh gosh 35- 40 years ago. I think its normal for us humans, and all you can do is sigh about it, and go HMMM, as daily life keeps you from thinking to much. So I dare say one day when your sitting in your wheelchair wondering where your hair went:eek: , this female will come back to pay your mind yet another visit, and all you can do is sigh an wipe the sweat from your bald head.:D

That's a great response Tal (as usual) and something for everyone here to remember.

It is comforting to read a post like this!

SouthernBelle06 · Jan 8, 2007, 01:44 AM

What you are feeling is completely normal, the doubts, the "what ifs?", etc. I can attest that if she wants to get in touch with you badly, she will find a way to do it. I speak from experience because I once went to great lengths to get in touch with an ex of mine a couple of years after I had moved to a different town and he and I lost touch. I didn't even know his exact address or phone number, but I figured it out and mailed him a holiday card... lol. It worked and he and I renewed a friendship. Your ex even has your email and home addresses, so getting in touch with you will not be difficult for her if she chooses to do so.

I agree with Bluerose about what would go through her mind if she discovered that your cell phone number had changed. You and she have not been in touch for a while and if she did try to call your cell phone and it was disconnected, she would probably think that perhaps you simply upgraded (as lots of people I know do all the time) to a newer phone or different carrier. It's not like she knows the simple details of your everyday life now that you and she have not been in touch. I don't think she would take it in a personal way.

For example, my best friend changes cell phones so much I can never get in touch with her that way! I have freqently dialed her cell phone number only to get a disconnection notice. When I do talk to her and question her about it, she says, "Oh, I got a new phone." I, on more than one occasion, have had to call her home phone number or wait for her to get in touch with me. It's a common thing really... people change cell phones and therefore, phone numbers.

I think you have hit the nail on the head as to what is really going on here as you know deep down you still harbor some hope of a reconcilliation with her and you don't want to do anything to diminish your chances of that happening. I was reading a book that has helped me recently. This book had some things in it that made a lot of sense. It stated that we (as dumpees) place our dumpers on a pedestal and give them as much power as the degree of hurt that they placed on us when they left us. We look to them to bring themselves back to us to take away the pain. We place the almighty ex on a pedestal and we are scared to anger them as we don't want to diminish any slim chance of them returning to us. We make the ex all important and diminish our own value when what we need to be doing is fighting for our own healing and taking care of ourselves. This is what you were trying to do with No Contact... moving on and taking care of yourself... so 3 Cheers. :) We can't control what the ex does or make them return to us. We can only fight for our healing, try to set new goals for ourselves, and try to make positive changes in our lives.

Also, as you said, you still love her and it's hard to let go of that. It's understandable. It hasn't really been that long since the breakup and I really think you are doing well. Keep it up.

JDOP · Jan 8, 2007, 04:00 AM

The problem is that you still have some hope, very little; but it is still there. You know my situation: my ex is already involved with somebody else. To know that, destroys all hope. You don't know what your ex has been up to, and therefore there is still a little voice in your head that says she is still thinking about you. I suggest you get rid of your hope, by making sure you ex is not thinking about you anymore. I don't suggest you quit the NC but it don't think it would hurt you to be confronted with the harsh reality from time to time: she won't be calling.

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 8, 2007, 11:31 AM

Hey, thanks for all the replies guys and gals, appreciated very much.

The only thing I would say is that she was aware that I upgraded my phone before the breakup and I had always had the same number for 5 years, so she certainly would not forget it.. LOL.. I suppose it could still mean I have changed providers or something and I got out of the contract real early.. I don't know what she would think but I don't at the same time want to hurt her, (not that it would, but that it could) but this was the best thing to put another piece of the jigsaw together of my moving on. It is a done deal now and I cannot go back on it. I don't think it is a big thing, it should be fine.

Thanks again for all your support! :)

wap · Jan 8, 2007, 12:58 PM

Hi Geoff,

I think you were very brave and sensible to do that. We would all do that if we were strong enough. It is a good step, and I am proud of you. Funnily enough I thought about doing that too, but I need my no for work purposes especially if past contacts would be able to give me a job!

Skell · Jan 8, 2007, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

This book had some things in it that made a lot of sense. It stated that we (as dumpees) place our dumpers on a pedestal and give them as much power as the degree of hurt that they placed on us when they left us. We look to them to bring themselves back to us to take away the pain. We place the almighty ex on a pedestal and we are scared to anger them as we don't want to diminish any slim chance of them returning to us. We make the ex all important and diminish our own value when what we need to be doing is fighting for our own healing and taking care of ourselves. This is what you were trying to do with No Contact...moving on and taking care of yourself...so 3 Cheers. :) We can't control what the ex does or make them return to us. We can only fight for our healing, try to set new goals for ourselves, and try to make positive changes in our lives.

Also, as you said, you still love her and it's hard to let go of that. It's understandable. It hasn't really been that long since the breakup and I really think you are doing well. Keep it up.

This is great stuff. What book is that? It couldn't be closer to the truth. I did it like that for a period and I see the same thing with everyone that comes here in similar situations. It is normal behavior but not necessarily what is best for us! Getting over those thoughts is a battle but when it is done true healing begins!

Great post!

SouthernBelle06 · Jan 8, 2007, 04:44 PM

Skell, the book is called, "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life" by Susan Anderson. Geez what a long title... lol. But, that's the name of it. What Geoff wrote made me think of a particular part of the book that I had just read.

Anyway, this book was recommended to me a couple of weeks ago by another person that was dumped (seems like the norm lately!) and I have just begun reading it. It seems to be helping me already. :)

Allheart · Jan 8, 2007, 04:55 PM

Geoff,

I couldn't add any more great insight than what is already here. Especially with Southern Bells, which to me, and you do agree as well is perfect.

Just know, your thoughts are so normal, and we all thought the same things when going through this.

When I was going through this many years ago, I was half tempted to stand on a mountain, jump up and down, wearing a sign... HERE I AM... I JUST KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME. Thankfully, I didn't give in to the temptation :)

Geoff, I would have thought the very same thing. You are a kind and caring and sensitive young man, and that is why this makes this all the harder for you, but these are all great qualities, it is who you are, and that you should be very proud of and feel so very special.
Enjoy the person that you are Geoff :)

AKaeTrue · Jan 8, 2007, 09:14 PM

Hi Geoff,
I've followed your story and think you have hurdled mountains in moving on. I still think this whole process of mending your broken heart is not over. I believe you to be very brave for changing your number. This must have been very hard for you, as it is cutting a tie between the two of you. You mustn't dwell over this decision because I feel it's the 2nd biggest move you've made toward helping yourself move on (the first being that you have refrained yourself from contacting her).
Secondly, if if she decides to call and discovers that you have changed your number and emails you or shows up at your house asking "why", be 100% honest about why you changed it. I don't feel that it's healthy for you to ponder over an excuse or to prearrange a lie about why you changed it. This wouldn't be doing either of you any favors and is most definitely not a step in the right direction for your healing process. You made a correct decision for the right reasons - stick with it.
Even though this break up has been 3 months long, I still feel that you are stuck in the very first stages of the healing process. This is normal and it will take time - only time can heal old wounds...
Keep up the good work.
Kae

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 9, 2007, 11:36 AM

Thanks for all your responses everyone.. Where would I be without you all! I'm so glad I found AMHD and all you great people.

AkaeTrue, I agree, if (and I realise that this is a slim if) she ever tried to contact me via any other means, I would be honest and just say that I thought I would never hear from her again anyway and that I needed to do it to help me move on with my life and that it was nothing personal which it is not.

I don't want to get at her and if she never calls it, she would never perceive it in this way since she would not know about it. I cannot guarantee she won't call in the future just to talk and I cannot guarantee she will. I guess I think deep down that I would like to speak again just to get answers and truth about all the confusion but I know this is extremely unrealistic. Even if I did hear from her, she would distort the truth and avoid discussing the past, especially regarding her motives for doing what she did.

This is a big step for me and I feel it inside although it was a tough call to make (so to speak) to actually go through with it. I remembered in the first 2 months after the breakup, I would check my phone for missed calls from her or messages although I never got any.

Like I said before, if she really wanted to talk, she would know where to find me and would not let something like this stop her.