[aishamedi]

I am a 26yr old gal, grew up with parents who were so strict. We were not exactly allowed to speak when they speak to us, it was said to be disrespectful. So I found myself too scared to stand and talk to people in authority and those elder than me. I have been employed several times but at work, am frustrated, am not paid what I am worth, am bullied, people ride on me, everyone thinks they can use me for their own good and I will be easy with it. Worst of all I have completely failed to negotiate my salary before I start work. Now I have decided to employ myself but am still finding problems marketing myself because I can't express myself in order to convince clients for a job. I have communication issues in my relationships, am taken for granted and pushed around. I don't have the ability to say no even when I have to say it. I have had three heartbreaks that have left me bitter and doubtful. I am tired of being like this. Please help!

[answerme_tender]

aishamedi,

I grew up with extremely abusive father, but I finally decided that no matter what I did would still get same result from him. So I decided to stop being a victim, I had to basically teach myself how to be my own advocate. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen overnight, but Iam here to advise it can be done.

You have to make the decision to stop being a victim. Stop letting everyone walk all over you. You are not something to be walked on or over. You are a person in your own right, and due to that you deserve to be seen,heard,cared for.

I would suggest some counseling for self improvement, even if its through church organization. Or contact your community college see what type of self improvement classes they offer. Even public speaking will help you , and yes I know how scary that idea is, but this class does build confidence.

Good luck

[DrBill100]

To extend upon the advice provided by Answerme (above) there are also programs/courses in self-assertion widely available. Your problem is one of learned behavior, attitude, and is easily, and quickly, modifiable.

If you can afford it, professional counselors in the more pragmatic fields such Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are helpful and expedient but by no means necessary. Books on assertiveness will likewise be helpful.

There's nothing wrong with you. Quite the opposite, you were a good student in learning your current behaviors and will be equally good at re-learning more productive and self-rewarding behaviors.

Get to it and best wishes.

[Jake2008]

I agree with the others.

I also think that you need some outside help, in order to succeed and reach your goals.

You can see where you came to be so passive, and you can see how being this way has caused you to miss opportunities, and not be where you want to be. Now that you are not working for someone, but working for yourself, it is important that you deal with the roadblocks that keep you from reaching your goals. You don't have a company to fall back on, or a cubicle to retreat to, to avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations, with others.

You are on your own, and it is you, that you are putting out there. But, without dealing with the issues that have underminded your success in the past, such as you've described, you will face the same situations, and probably with more pressure, because you have a lot more invested in your future, financially and otherwise.

Your question, "How do learn to stand up for myself", is a good sign that you want to change. Dr. Bill mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is a therapy designed to work you through identifying problems, learning ways to deal with them in a new and different way, and incorporating what you've learned, in order to not keep repeating the same behaviours.

The only real qualification for success with this type of therapy, is deciding to change. I urge you to seek out CBT, and at least do some research online to see if this type of therapy is a good fit for you.