[Aurora_Bell]

So, this week end I went to my cousins house to celebrate her birthday. She lives about an hour from where I live, we are very close, she is like a sister to me. She is engaged to this (jerk) guy, he seems like a really nice guy, loving, caring, the who deal. Well he's a total FAKE.

We all had some drinks last night, and when my cousin went to bed, he proceeded to hit on me, and he was making sexual advancements. Of course I denied him, I even went as far as sleeping in the bathroom with the door locked.

When my cousin woke up, she found it funny, and was a bit upset. Her fiancé, went to the store and she said "If he ever tried anything thing with you, you would tell me right?" I kind of changed the subject and we went on about our day.

Here's some history:

They have been engaged for 2 years been dating a total of 4 years. One night I actually called the cops on him because I caught him hitting her. Every time we saw her, she was covered in bruises. We always asked her what was going on, but she always had a story. Anyway he ended up getting probation, and not much more. The following Christmas we had all made amends. They came to my house, while they were vising my boyfriend at the time sister was spending Christmas with us too.

The next day my boyfriends sister told me he came into her room while she was sleeping and asked her to have sex with him, She said she declined, I told my cousin, she refused to believe it. We got into another fight and stopped speaking for a few months. We normally talk every day.

Since then, my cousin discovered she had an STD, she knew right then and there that he was cheating on her. They decided to work through this. For some bizarre reason my cousin wants to have children with this guy, and they have been trying for almost 3 years now.

The following summer my cousin and her fiancé, came camping with me and my daughter. She confided in me about thinking she was unable to become pregnant. Well after months of tests she found out that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her reproductive system, and it came out that her fiancé of hers had a vasectomy! She gave him an ultimatum, get it reversed, or she would leave him. He agreed, but still has not had the procedure. He also has two other kids with another woman, that my cousin treats like gold.

My question here is, do I tell her what the fiancé said and did to me last night?

[Fr_Chuck]

Will she believe you or if she does, will she care ? He has abused her, cheated and lied to her, She will stay and believe him till she hits bottom.

Do you think he is still physcially abusing her ?

Well myself, I would tell her and let her know you are her friend, but he is not welcome around you any longer.

[Aurora_Bell]

As far as I know, he is not abusing her. If I told her he as not welcomed around me, I would loose my relationship with my cousin.

I think she would believe me, but if they decided to stay together, I have no doubt in my mind that our friendship would be very strained.

[friend4u178]

Damn what a creep Bella :rolleyes:

I would tell her for sure , and make it known you don't wish to be in his company again , by the sounds of it he has her wrapped around his finger anyway.

Maybe she needs to be told every time he does something to jolt her into action and get rid of this Loser.

[Aurora_Bell]

Ugg. Okay, so how should I tell her? What should I say, should I play it off like he was really drunk, or just tell her exactly what happened?

He is a total creep. He makes me so mad when I see him acting like the best thing since sliced bread.

[friend4u178]

I would just tell her exactly as it happened , you don't want to have to remember any fabrications , that way your story remains the same.

Sorry I know it's not easy :( But in my opinion if you really care about her she deserves to know , whether she wants to believe it or not.

[Jake2008]

Bella, this is not hearsay, or gossip. What happened to you was an actual fact. Instinct told you to lock yourself in the bathroom, likely the guy would have tried again if he had the opportunity.

I would approach it in a factual way. Be alone with her, over coffee and tell her exactly what happened, as you said it here. Avoid calling him a low-life scum sucker (which he is) and instead, just state the facts. Give her time to process it, and answer any questions, but avoid your own opinion, especially if she asks you what she should do about it. Tell her, it is up to her, and keep it simple.

The only truth you can own, is your own. And that is all you can share with her. I don't think that she will be too surprised, so don't be disappointed if she does not act on the information you give her, or, that she comes back to you and says that YOU hit on him. If that happens, again, just tell her that what she knows from you, is the truth.

You are in a situation where she needs to know, and know first-hand. It is not the same as her having doubts, or hearing rumours.

Good luck. I hope she smarten's up.

[Aurora_Bell]

Thanks Jake! I think I would have went in there telling her what a scum sucker he was. You are right on about doing it in person and not over the phone. They are never apart, she doesn't trust him, and he's too insecure to let her go out on her own. She says she loves him. I don't get it. I think it's more she is conditioned and doesn't want to be alone.

I know I can't wait too long to do this, but man I really don't want to! She's my best friend and I love her and don't want to hurt her.

[Jake2008]

I was in a similar situation years ago, only my friend already had the wedding planned, and it was a big fancy church wedding. I told her when I knew, that her fiancé was screwing around on her. I didn't attend the wedding because her choosing to marry him despite knowing the truth about him, would have me feel like I accepted or agreed to her marrying him, and that was the way I made a point.

Long story, but in the end, she ended up divorcing him. She called my husband and I in the middle of the night, after he picked up their baby, and purposely dropped him on the floor, just to get at her. My husband went and got both of them out of their apartment. She eventually moved back in with her parents, and needed a restraining order against him.

What I'm saying is, you are not harming her, by telling her the truth, and truly, a friend should be able to risk hurting a friend, if it means you are potentially helping her, before things get worse. How she takes the information, and how she chooses whether to use the information, is up to her. But, just stating facts without opinions, should not end your friendship. If it does, it is likely because of him, not her. But, you will have planted seed, and at some point, she will turn to you.

The ex of my friend, actually threatened me, and I had no qualms about confronting him, and reporting him to both my employer and the police. Any man that would drop a baby on its head on purpose and abuse both the baby and his wife, got not an inch of reason from me. But the sad part was, that many mutual friends of my friend, knew what I knew, and some knew more, but went along with it all, because she was 'happy' and 'in love'.

So there are risks to your friendship. But, I suspect that when she asked you if you would tell her if he tried anything with you, that both the question, and your response, would have confirmed that at least she is suspicious of him. So you are already half way there if she asked you in the first place, 'what if'.

I really hope this works out for you. I know that I'd want to know.

[cdad]

Im sorry but this is not a debatable moment. You need to tell her and if she doesn't want to talk to you accept it and wait for the fan to start revolving. This person sounds like true scum. Just be honest. That is all you can do.

[LaLuz]

I was your cousin in this scenario and my fiancé had come onto my best friend. She did it a lot like the health expert described; Took me out to lunch and was very factual about the whole thing, didn't tell me what I should do or go on about how he was a bad person. She thought I was going to be mad at her too, but I wasn't. I was very happy that she told me and it obviously wasn't her fault. And even though I stayed with him, which your cousin probably will too, I am still really good friends with her. But the longer you wait the more suspicious it will look on your part. She might wonder why you waited so long and what you are hiding even if you aren't hiding anything. My best friend waited a week to tell me and I thought that was way too long. This is something you have to tell her ASAP.