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igman · Nov 20, 2010, 02:08 PM

Both she and my son are 18 and have been together for just over 3 years.I received an e-mail from someone who has sent me evidence that she has been cheating on him for the past year and a half. I have NO idea how to handle this. I know I need to talk to my son but the pain its going to cause him is killing me. I am looking for the best words,phrases, or whatever to begin letting him know. I would really appreciate your guys' help.

tickle · Nov 20, 2010, 02:48 PM

How do you know the evidence is real; can you authenticate it. You are jumping to conclusions. Make sure this is the real thing before you talk to him. Call his g/f if you have to, get information from her, but do not do anything until you find out. Could be someone just jealous.

Tick

igman · Nov 20, 2010, 03:37 PM

I did authenticate everything. I don't think talking to her would be the best thing? She hasn't always been up front...

igman · Nov 20, 2010, 03:38 PM

Sorry, meant for my answer to be a response to your comment tick...

tickle · Nov 20, 2010, 04:28 PM

That's okay, igman, don't use the comments feature, use the answer response. My point is they have lasted for three years, surely if she had been cheating he would have known. How close can two people get in three years is what I mean.How did you authenticate it? Before you go talking to your son ?

igman · Nov 20, 2010, 04:49 PM

I know what you mean, but not necessarily true. He is trusting and she is crafty... besides people have kept affairs secret for even years. Part of the info indicated she has a secret social network site...

Wondergirl · Nov 20, 2010, 05:01 PM

Can you talk with her and be upfront -- that you've gotten authentic info that she is cheating on your son, and will she confirm it to you? Hopefully, she will confirm (if it's true) and assure you she will tell him herself. In any event, tell her you will give her x number of days to be honest with your son, or you will tell him. Meanwhile, get ready to be his soft place to fall.

igman · Nov 20, 2010, 05:38 PM

Wondergirl, my wife and I aren't really close to her believe it or not but regarding my son, yes, we can confront her... im just confused as to why you suggest I go to her rather than to my son first?

Wondergirl · Nov 20, 2010, 06:12 PM

I would go to her first, and not in a confrontational way, since your son has loved her for a long time. Even though you believe your source of information to be authentic, there may be something wrong with it that you don't know about, thus I think it only fair to give the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.

By asking her to be fair to your son and come clean (if, in fact, she isn't now), and then giving her a certain amount of time to tell him before you blow the whistle on her, shows you to be loving parents who want the best for their son -- and prove you aren't mean-spirited gossipers.

igman · Nov 20, 2010, 08:02 PM

OK... yes, we do not want to be confrontational nor do we want to come across as gossipers. As I mentioned, we are not close to her... well, not as close as 3years should be... any suggestions on how, when, where to start this conversation?

ITstudent2006 · Nov 20, 2010, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by tickle

they have lasted for three years, surely if she had been cheating he would have known.

I disagree. I was with my ex for 5 years, didn't know until after I broke up with her that she was cheating on me halfway through our relationship. I had my concerns but I trusted her. That's a whole new situation :)

igman- You know your son more then anybody, you know what makes him tick and what calms him. Anything we say is just an opinion.

Wondergirl · Nov 20, 2010, 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by igman

ok....yes, we do not want to be confrontational nor do we want to come across as gossipers. as i mentioned, we are not close to her....well, not as close as 3years should be.....any suggestions on how, when, where to start this conversation?

Remember, your son might always blame you for the breakup, especially if you go about this in the "wrong" way. Like IT said, you know your son the best of anyone, so you will have to decide how to tell him (directly or by pushing his girlfriend to do it) and when. The holidays are coming, so keep that in mind too, although there's no good or bad time to find out your girlfriend is cheating. I have two sons and don't envy you.

Or is there a way to put a bug in his ear somehow?

igman · Nov 20, 2010, 09:19 PM

Good point IT.my son has a very big heart and I truly believe that he feels that she wouldn't do that to him... which is why I know he doesn't know... also, he has never mentioned anything of that sort except way early in their relationship. I do know my son better which is why I'm trying to figure out how to approach this... tell him first and be there for him and watch him closely to make sure he doesn't do anything irrational or confront her and be on guard during the time limit we have given her... man, this sucks right before the holidays...

nickysmith · Dec 4, 2010, 09:27 AM

I think you need to ask hera and show her your evidance this could have all been done before she got with you son

excon · Dec 4, 2010, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by igman

i have NO idea how to handle this. i know i need to talk to my son

Hello I:

I don't know that you need to talk to EITHER of them. They're adults. They're in an ADULT relationship. Adult relationships HURT sometimes. I'm not sure if YOU need to be the deliverer of that hurt. I don't think you do. What would you do if you found out your best friend was cheating?? Would you snitch on him or her too?

Look. I don't envy your position. It's a NO WIN situation. But, if it were me, I'd mind my own business.

excon

ITstudent2006 · Dec 4, 2010, 12:23 PM

Excon usually I agree with what you say but I disagree on this one.

Standing by and watching your son get hurt is not a parental instinct. How can someone do that knowing fair well what is going on behind the scenes. I know I couldn't.

I agree that some place aren't meant for parents and usually your kids' relationships is that place but when it involves your child being hurt, I believe that opens the door for interference!

DoulaLC · Dec 4, 2010, 12:58 PM

While 18 may be considered adults in some situations, I wouldn't consider them to be adults as far as relationships go. Certainly neither have a great deal of experience if they have been together since 15.

I agree with the idea of letting her know what has been brought to your attention and that you are very confused by it as you know she and your son have been together for the last 3 years. See what she has to say about it.

I know I would not keep something like that from one of my kids as I know they would feel betrayed even more if it were found out later that people knew what was going on but said nothing.

If you determine that it is definite that she has been cheating, let her know that either she can speak to your son or that you will.

If it then becomes necessary, I would let my son know that I needed to speak to him. I would let him know that what you have to share is upsetting but that you feel he needs to made aware of the information you have been presented with.
You can tell him that you spoke to the girlfriend as you felt it was something that should come from her. From there, let him know that you are there if he wants to talk more about it either at that time or at anytime in the future.
Obviously he will talk to the girlfriend about it and they will decide where things stand between them.