[glimmerkitty]

I have been married to my husband for 1 1/2 years and have been with him for three years. There were a few incidents of feeling like I couldn't trust him. I snooped on his phone and saw texts he sent to a woman friend and they were strange to me... so I told him. He made some good excuses and I let it go, but was always suspicious. In September I looked on his phone and there was a text to a strange name, but the message was erased. I looked it up on reverse phone directory and it was his ex-girlfriend who left him 8 years ago. They were having an affair, and she went back to the husband for the kids.
I looked on our phone records and found that he texts her on average once a month. I was shocked and devastated. I always knew he still loved her, but thought it was just a memory in the past and now that he had me, and claimed I was the most important person in his life, thought he didn't need to think about her anymore. It's bee EIGHT years!
I of course told him and dragged it out of him that he has "these dreams" about here and he gets so sad and depressed he can't get through the day until he texts her and it makes it all go away. He never gets a response. I dragged it out of him what he texts, and he said... that he dreamed of her, tells her about the dream , that he worries about her and still loves her... and it's always on two pages of texts, so they are long messages. He sends them at 5am, sometimes 11 pm and all times in between. It makes me so sick. He always was mad at me for snooping and made a big issue about trust... that trust was a huge thing in marriage and if I didn't trust him this wouldn't work... made me feel guilty and responsible for not trusting him, and all the while he was lying to me and he knew I couldn't trust him. He claims that these dreams and texts don't have any affect on his love for me, he still loves me and wants to be with me. How can I be with him when I know he lies, know he loves someone else enough to keep dreaming about her and feeling that he has to tell her he loves her?
And now I can't trust the other texts and secret calls he makes to his other woman "friends". He's 51 and I'm 44. He's fat and bald and bankrupt. Everyone thinks I'm beautiful and everyone likes me... I could so easily have a better husband... I chose to be with him because I thought he gave me all of this special love, so all the other bad things didn't matter... but now I find that the love isn't real and that he chose to give me up for the sake of texting his ex. I'm going to get a divorce, but don't know it it's really the right thing. I am so angry now I can't stand it!

[Jake2008]

I don't see a lot of 'love' here between you and your "fat, bald and bankrupt" husband. Do you love your husband, or is fat, bald, and bankrupt, how you see him.

If you think your husband is unfaithful, or has been unfaithful, that is one thing to deal with as far as a reason for a divorce.

If you find 'evidence' by snooping, that he's carrying on with a woman of 8 years ago, by making her larger than life, and allowing a wedge to develop between you and him, that is another story.

That he is in contact with her, and she does not return his texts, tells me that he is looking for love in all the wrong places. Hanging onto a dream, or wishing upon a star, is a fantasy that he entertains once in a while, with no harm to you. He does not act on these thoughts, feelings, and texts. There are no two-way conversations going on with her, they don't meet up behind the Burger King every other Tuesday. This woman could easily be the 1965 Playboy bunny of the year that he's had a thing for all these years.

He's not actively involved in an affair with her or anyone else as far as I can tell from what you have written. It sounds like he is lacking something in his own marriage, that keeps him hanging onto the past. Not something lacking that is caused by you, but something lacking in his life that keeps him with one foot in the past.

If you are asking for help for your marriage, I would say get yourselves into counselling, and learn how to deal with the issues that are bothering both of you. If it can be uncovered why he still needs to keep his 'dream woman' alive and he can put 'her' to rest, and you can both learn ways to communicate a little better rather than lying, and snooping, you have a shot at making your marriage work.

If you are asking if him texting his ex girlfriend once a month is enough reason to divorce him, then it seems to me you've already got your mind made up. It doesn't matter what your reasons are, if you need to move on and divorce him, you no longer need proof in court in order to justify it.

[Imabadman]

Your perceptions of your husband, "fat, bald and bankrupt”, probably carry to your demeanor towards him. I'm sure he feels this and questions your sincerity just the same. If he is in fact doing what you say he's doing, and I'm not saying I agree with his approach, I can certainly understand his actions. He's looking for emotional support, an ego boost, and it sure doesn't seem to be coming from you.

[glimmerkitty]

I only called him those things after I found this out and now I hate him for making me feel so horrible. I never cared about any of those things before& gave him everything.He threw it all away just to text his ex to tell her he still loves her.

Comment on Jake2008's post

I had a bad thought about him until he did this. He has lied for years. I am insecure,and he knows how I feel. I should be his dream woman,as he has told me I am,but he should not have to continually text another woman to say
He loves her still

He was also selfish to her. She didn't need him telling her these things, she wanted to move on. Her husband could be getting mad at her if he saw that.Hwshould have seen it was unwanted by her not answering.it's not appropriate for a married man

[ITstudent2006]

He's 51 and I'm 44. He's fat and bald and bankrupt. Everyone thinks I'm beautiful and everyone likes me....I could so easily have a better husband

I don't believe you to love each other anymore. You're feelings for him are coming to the surface with this new found info and I believe it's a scapegoat for you being high on your horse thinking you deserve better.

but he should not have to continually text another woman to say
he loves her still
With the way you wrote this thread, I get a pretty clear picture of how you are. I would go elsewhere too if I knew my wife thought I was fat, bald and broke.

You saying you can get a better husband makes me sick to my stomach. I don't care what he has or hasn't done. To believe you're better than your spouse, that you are more attractive, smart, thinner, etc... is a scapegoat in your marriage and this entire thread is a joke.

But that's just my opinion. What do I know though I'm only 23, thin, nice hair and not bankrupt.

P.S. "and everyone likes me"

I don't like you.

[Jake2008]

I understand that you are very hurt over his texting this 'other woman', even if it is only one way and she does not answer back, he is actively expressing intimate thoughts to her, that should only be reserved for you. But, it is not on the scale of even chatting on Facebook or IM, or letters. He doesn't send gifts, or meet up her, or call her on the phone. He has found a way, through a text, once a month, to profess his love to her, but it is only a text. It is a safe place for him for many reasons.

It suits is needs. He gets his feelings out. He doesn't feel the need to go any further and actually develop a relationship, because it is not reciprocated in any way by interest shown, by her. He does what he does, for whatever reason, and then it's over. He isn't hurting anyone, he's not actively pursuing a relationship of any kind. It's almost like saying, what he could easily put, in a diary that he keeps locked. Which is probably a better idea, because then the thoughts are only his own.

He runs the risk of having this other woman's husband, call him up and ask him what the he** is going on. I suspect that because the husband hasn't called, that he feels confident and safe enough to keep sending a text once a month. Perhaps on the other end, she finds it odd, and weird, and yet maybe feels sorry for him, or maybe she doesn't feel it is important enough to even read, and she deletes it right away.

There is also the risk behaviour. That can add excitement and meaning to fulfill a part of himself, that he cannot express otherwise, to you. He may risk rejection, humiliation, and embarrassment, should he say to you, what he says to her. Maybe the part of his life where he is actively showing affection, is somehow thwarted, and he is uncomfortable doing or showing what he feels, to you. With her, she could really be anybody, but he has picked her, as a safe, confidential (until recently) place where he sees no consequence.

Think of this another way. If he is unhappy in his marriage to you, he could be doing far worse than sending a text to a woman of long ago, who clearly wants nothing to do with him, and she does not reciprocate in any way. He could be hitting up women in bars, having one night stands, he could be on online dating sites, and, in other words, pursuing real time activities to satisfy what is missing in his life. You couldn't stop him from doing any of those things, but the point is, he chooses not to.

I think the bigger issue of this text thing, is what it means. The text is only the result of something. If he were happy and content with the love and affection in his own life, he wouldn't be texting his feelings of love, in another place.

Maybe it is time to figure out, why there is this wedge between you. Try to think past the result that tells you there is a problem somewhere, and instead focus on why it is happening, and what you both need to do, to address the behaviour.

My husband has carried a picture of a girlfriend, from high school, in his wallet, for over 35 years. I wouldn't dream of 'robbing' him of his memories, nor would I dream of telling him that it is wrong to carry feelings around about someone else. And, is this so different than what your husband is doing? If he had a picture, instead of a text, would his feelings be any different? Your husband could easily write a lette the old fashioned way to her, and get the same results. Or he could play back in his mind the time they had together way back when, before the stress and work of living took over his life. What I'm trying to say is, what he is doing is keeping a little piece of himself, and putting a little piece of himself, back in time, to a girl (now a woman), that represented a happier time.

But, that's all it is. He is still 29 ot of 30 days in a month, yours. This little fantasy he has going bothers you, but, taking the actual text out of the picture, I'd be far more concerned with the red flag saying, maybe, because he is professing love to another woman that instead of realizing that it is harmless, tackle this in a different way.

Why not get into counselling. Have an impartial session or two, put the feelings thoughts and actions, of both of you, on the table, and see if there can't be some resolve through compromising, to end the texts, and open up better communication of needs between you.

I don't think that at this stage of the game, that things will get better, but with counselling, you may gain better understanding into why he does the things he does, and how this affects you, and how it affects your marriage. In other words, I wouldn't toss a marriage out the window, without trying harder to save it.

[glimmerkitty]

Sorry I said this was not helpful. Maybe you are right. I was extremely angry & hurt when I wrote that, and of course can't tell the whole story easily in writing. No need to be so mean. I'm already crushed.

Typing error in about answer: should have read: I NEVER had a bad thought...

[ITstudent2006]

You can't ride my *** for being honest.

You came onto an online forum complaining about relationship issues with your husband. Nowhere in your post did you say you sat and talked with him about your feelings. You've asked about incidences but that's it. Secondly, you seem so into yourself calling your husband fat, bald and broke and you pretty, likeable etc...

This is no way to act. This is your husband and requires a more valiant effort then this. I realize that you can't tell the whole story by typing on an online forum but what you did type rubbed me the wrong way as a male with a wife.

I fealt bad for you when I began reading your post, until I got to the bottom. No one is better then someone else, and if you think you are then maybe that's an indication in itself that you shouldn't be with this man.

I hope everything works out.

P.S. I don't mind the reddie it adds color, too much green gets boring lol

[Cat1864]

Jake has said nearly everything that I would want to say. About all I can add is that you need to take a step back and allow the anger to dissipate. It is always best to make life altering decisions with a clear mind. Do not allow yourself to strike out in words or actions because you are upset and angry. Many things that are said in anger can never be taken back or worked through no matter how much love is there.

I am wondering why you married him. I am a little lost in when you first began to get 'suspicious' and if you have been looking for evidence to support your insecurity. Have you looked for evidence to support his love for you? How open is he in expressing his feelings for you? How open are you in expressing your feelings for him? How much do both of you hold back for fear of getting hurt?

I think counseling would be a good idea for both of you. A place to learn how to let go of the past and to communicate with each other.

[answerme_tender]

Glimmer,


Your trust has been broken. Even if its just texting, its texting to another woman and telling her intimate things that he should have being sharing or telling his wife. I see were your so angry that you can probably hardly see straight!

Of course sometimes the first thing when we feel cheated on in any way, we want to strike back, and has hurtful as we can. Hurt, portrayed, anger, they are our own individual feelings.

Obviously your husband has some insecurities. That is also a extremely hard thing to deal with and we may make wrong choices to try and compensate for those feelings.

I agree with trying to get some counseling might help you both. The counselor will listen without judgement. Give you some idea if this marriage can be saved. Don't let your anger and resentment make your choices. Give it a try, it won't hurt any worse. I really wish you the best, and hope you get some type of resolution!!

[wattermelann]

Dump him. If he has dreams, he should go to a counselor not an ex-girl friend!