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henpops1 · Jan 5, 2007, 10:04 AM

I met a lovely guy about 6 months ago who was visiting my city for a weekend with pals (he lives 200 miles away)and ended up spending the night with him. He is 8 years older than me. Im 27 he is 35. This is the first time Ive ever had what I presumed at the time to be a one night stand after a 5 year live in relationship with my ex finished badly in February last year. However, me and this man have been in contact every day since either by text message or phone call ussually with him instigating the contact since it happened and over the past 6 months he has been to visit for 7 separate weekends. We have really got to know each other mostly by phone and have become very close. We text up to 30 times every day. When he is here he is lovely and treats me like a princess for the first day but after that he gets a little twitchy. He is also recently out of a serious relationship. His divorce was finalised in July and has two teenage children. The problem is he has a tendency to get angry with me over silly things for example we have always been totally honest with each other and have been able to confide about our pain over our respective splits. Lately, although I have listened to him and advised him for hours over his ex wife and children and xmas and all its associated loneliness if I even mention my upset at spending first xmas alone without my ex he will sever contact with me for days or withhold kisses on text messages which he knows really winds me up. My ex does tend to have a tendency to find out when he has been to see me as we have a lot of mutual friends but he wouldn't cause any trouble and is happy that I have moved on. Its like there is one rule for him and another for me. Another example is that I had way too much to drink at a party a while ago and ended up walking home alone at 4am, not sensible I know, I told him and he went mental then didn't speak to or text me for over a week. There have been about 5 or 6 occasions that he has done this and afterwards he apologises and says its because he cares.
He came to visit me on boxing day as a surprise and intended to stay for 3 nights. The first night was fine we went out and had a lovely time, the next day we went for a nice walk and some lunch but he refused alcohol which was strange as we enjoy a glass of wine with our meals ussually. When we returned to my house we had really nice loving sex and then he told me that had to go home and that he just had an uneasy feeling. He couldn't explain why and he told me to have some patience with him as he was scared of getting any closer to me because he cheated on his ex wife which was the cause of the marriage breakdown so he is scared of hurting me in the same way. He says his heart is numb but I don't think it is as I have seen a loving and caring side to him, he is very tactile and generous with hugs and kisses. He told me that he had never allowed himself to be sad over the breakup of his marriage as it was his fault and he doesn't deserve to feel sad.
We have never defined our relationship in terms of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and we are both totally honest about this. It has been a kind of sex buddies with feelings situation with the potential to develop into more and now Im not sure what is going on as he is blowing hot and cold. He buys me expensive gifts and sends the sweetest texts but on the other hand he tells me he is not ready for a relationship with anyone, why contact me every day if this is the case? Im not sure if he thinks Im not ready after my split or what? I really really like this guy and I am so confused. Should I hang in there until he sorts his issues out or move on?

ordinaryguy · Jan 5, 2007, 01:17 PM

Lots of red flags here, especially the fits of anger over small things. Also the double standard about speaking of past relationships. At the very least, I would suggest you slow down, reduce contact (30 texts a day?? ) and put a little emotional distance between you. If he asks why, just tell the truth--you're feeling uncertain about the relationship and are wondering how to interpret his anger and blowing hot and cold. If he gets defensive and angry, then you've learned something valuable and can increase the distance even further. If he is considerate and concerned and seems to genuinely want to stop acting that way, then you have also learned something and can respond in kind.

Double standards of any kind are always a red flag to me. My hunch is that he hasn't really healed from his previous breakup, which means (sorry to say it) you are a rebound relationship for him. The same might be true of you, which means he's your rebound guy. Rebound relationships don't always fail miserably, but too often they end up being rather minor variations on the theme of the previous relationship, and take twice as long to learn the needed lesson as it would have taken to do it by yourself. Just a thought. I hope it works out well for you.

PS Just reread your post and realized you said the reason his marriage ended was that he cheated on his wife. REALLY BIG RED FLAG!! Plenty of reasons to take several steps back here. Frankly, it doesn't sound good.

shenda · Jan 5, 2007, 11:12 PM

Your focus needs to be redirected to self... are you afraid of being alone, do you find identity in a man... I ask because if someone openly admits that they are not ready for a relationship, yet you want to hang in there for them to sort out what it is that they want, when will you take time out to know what it is that you want/desire. I know that there is more substance to you, you are not easily bought, for if you are then life is a bit shallow at this time and you need to dig deep within to find a more stable foundation for life... one worth building a lasting relationship... if the booty call routine fits your fancy continue.. if you want to know why he instigates contact frequently... it is because he has a vested interest in you as his POA... (Piece of @##) Men do not like to share, worst yet, they hate to entertain thoughts that they are not the only one... EVER

talaniman · Jan 6, 2007, 09:09 AM

In any relationship there will be things to deal with and work out. You are the only on who can say what you want and if he is worth the time and effort to continue. Be realistic and be honest and remember to put you and your needs first. You do not have to settle. It takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship so make sure you are one of them, if he is not then it will show and push you away. Just don't short change yourself.

chuff · Jan 6, 2007, 10:59 AM

He is still getting over his ex. You're the rebound relationship. If you want it to work with this guy, back off and let him get over his pain on his own. Then, and only then when he is emotionally healthy may you resume a relationship with him.

henpops1 · Jan 8, 2007, 04:05 AM

Thanks guys. I appreciate all your comments. Im still really confused as he is such a sweetheart and I feel for him as he is going through a bad time. I have asked him to take a bit of time to consider what he wants but he keeps texting me as he has no one else to talk to. I am still hurting obviously from my relationship and this was fine for me for a while but I can't keep up with the temper tantrums and changes of heart. Im vulnerable myself and it does get lonely. I have told him to give us both some space but he doesn't listen.

talaniman · Jan 8, 2007, 05:49 AM

Stop returning his texts. You have as much right to space as he does and your obligation is to you. If you cut ties with him then he would have to deal with his issues on his own and that's what he needs. So do you

henpops1 · Jan 8, 2007, 05:53 AM

Yeah I know your right, its just hard to actually ignore him as Im too soft!
I have a lot going on with health issues etc as well and had tests Friday which he knew about so he's asking me how that went etc. He has asked if he can come and see me this weekend and Ive said no so Im going in the right direction just really hard when Im feeling so lonely. :O(