[roogirl]

I've been reading posts about unwanted pregnancies and it has prompted me consider the matter on a deeper level.

It seems to me that when you are confronted with an unwanted pregnancy, you will always be criticized by the choice you make. Keep the baby, adopt the baby or abort the baby. They are the only three options available and yet they all draw unique criticism from others.

I found myself in that situation at the age of 16. My boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity together, it happened just once, and a few months later I discovered to my horror that I was pregnant. At that stage I was lucky to get a period once every 2 years, so the absence of a period was quite normal in those days.

Anyway the point is, I had 3 choices:

1. Abort the baby - reaction from peers 'you murderer' etc.
2. Adopt the baby - reaction from peers 'how can you do that? It's your own flesh and blood' and 'how can you just leave a little baby?'
3. Keep the baby - reaction from peers 'you are a baby yourself! How can you be a parent?'

So from my experience, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. What do you all think?

For the record, I chose option 2. I moved to another state to stay with my grandparents while I mulled it over. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself because I had gotten myself into this situation and didn't want anybody to know. I avoided the church like the plague too out of fear of being judged. I decided at that time I would be incompetent as a mother, and I saw many bad examples of teenagers who had babies and did not want to risk turning into one myself, thus giving my son a bad start to life. Those were my reasons, although it was a very difficult decision. I kept this secret for many years, I was too shamed to tell my father and some of my siblings. But the secret got out, and have been frowned upon, as well as praised, for my decision.

[RickJ]

Excellent opton!

There you go, some positive feedback :)

[roogirl]

Excellent opton!!

There you go, some positive feedback :)

Cheers for that - so what do you reckon? Damned if you do/don't?

[JoeCanada76]

I do not believe that your damned if you do/dont.

I believe you chose the best option. Adoption is very important because there are many people out there that want children and can not have children. This gives the child a chanch in life. Which every baby should have that chanch no matter the situation. I say, good for you roogirl.

Joe

[Synnen]

Having been in the situation at age 16, I agree with the damned if you do, damned if you don't idea---but NOT because of peer feedback (although that's certainly a factor in many choices)

Personally, I think that an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, you are faced with a choice you have to live with for the rest of your life. Regardless what you choose, you will have regrets about that choice.

[excon]

Damned if you do/don't?

Hello roochick:

I think you're asking the wrong question, because you'll never like the answer. Of course, there will always be somebody who'll damn you, no matter what you do. Ok, it's true. So what, and why do you care? Seeking approval?? You'll never find universal approval.

A better question is, "do I care what other people think?” Of course you do. But, what's more important is what YOU think. You'll make mistakes, and you'll know when you did. You learn, and you move on.

If you're a good person, you're the only one you have to prove it to. If other people can’t see it, that’s their loss.

excon

[roogirl]

Hello roochick:

I think you're asking the wrong question, because you'll never like the answer. Of course, there will always be somebody who'll damn you, no matter what you do. Ok, it's true. So what, and why do you care? Seeking approval??? You'll never find universal approval.

A better question is, "do I care what other people think?” Of course you do. But, what's more important is what YOU think. You'll make mistakes, and you'll know when you did. You learn, and you move on.

If you're a good person, you're the only one you have to prove it to. If other people can’t see it, that’s their loss.

excon

Yes a good point. As a 36 year-old I don't care too much about what people think/say. But as a 16 year-old I cared a great deal.

[FeelSoNumbZombie]

I think that when your sixteen and confronted with such a decision, you can be guided in the wrong direction and then regret it later in life. Thus, missing your child. And feeling Numb from the whole experience. While worrying if your baby is safe and loved by the family that you gave him to.

[vedrana]

I don't agree with the adoption because the child will be emotionally destructed and anyway I can tell that you regret making this decision because you are talking about it. I understand that there was a lot of pressure and I don't judge you for what you did because it was hard and you were young but you will feel ashamed and guilty your whole life. When the child grows up he/she will probably have a hard time to forget and forgive you should try to get your child back because he/she won't forgive you unless you change your ways.

[Taukame]

vedrana, I don't think she was asking your/our opinion about her choice, but more so about being torn about decisions.
roogirl, I think you may be looking for the right and wrong. There will always be people who will say that whatever decision you make is wrong, and some who will say it's right. Everybody will be able to give you all their reasons you should make a decision that they agree with, but what it really comes down to is what you believe, how you feel. These choices are based on your own personal code, and when it comes down to it, with that choice and every other choice you make in life, how you are going to feel about it once the decision has been made.

[s2tp]

I dont agree with the adoption because the child will be emotionally destructed and anyways i can tell that you regret making this decision because you are talking about it. I understand that there was a lot of pressure and i dont judge you for what you did because it was hard and you were young but you will feel ashamed and guilty your whole life. When the child grows up he/she will prolly have a hard time to forget and forgive you should try to get your child back because he/she wont forgive you unless you change your ways.

How can you say the child would be emotionally destructed by being given a chance to be with a family that not only loves and adores the child as their own, but is financially and mature enough to take care of the child?

Sure there are adoptions that go bad out there, but I know SO many people who have been adopted, and are very much thankful for it.

2 of my cousins were adopted (they are actually half brother and sister) they have known their birth mother their whole life and don't wish to have anything do with her as she is a drug addict and irresponsible...

As for feeling guilty for giving the child up for adoption, if I was ever put in that situation, I would feel relieved that the chid was given a better chance than I could give them at that point in my life...

[Taukame]

I dont agree with the adoption because the child will be emotionally destructed and anyways i can tell that you regret making this decision because you are talking about it. I understand that there was a lot of pressure and i dont judge you for what you did because it was hard and you were young but you will feel ashamed and guilty your whole life. When the child grows up he/she will prolly have a hard time to forget and forgive you should try to get your child back because he/she wont forgive you unless you change your ways.

What do you mean by "unless you change your ways" ?

[CaptainForest]

You will be questioned on your decisions no matter what. Trick is not to let it get to you.

Do you quite one job helping kids to take a job in the corporate world paying 3 times as much?

I am sure you will here argument on both ends there as well.

[roogirl]

I dont agree with the adoption because the child will be emotionally destructed and anyways i can tell that you regret making this decision because you are talking about it. I understand that there was a lot of pressure and i dont judge you for what you did because it was hard and you were young but you will feel ashamed and guilty your whole life. When the child grows up he/she will prolly have a hard time to forget and forgive you should try to get your child back because he/she wont forgive you unless you change your ways.

You've missed the point.

Of course I regret it in some ways - it would be silly to think otherwise. It doesn't matter what choice you make in that situation, you will always regret it in one way or another. There's no getting away from it.

I don't feel ashamed or guilty any more. I got over that years ago. You seem to feel ashamed and guilty for me, but there's no need. He's a young man now, and I will not beg his forgiveness. Why? He never begrudged me in the first place. How do I know? I asked him.

Oh, and change my ways? To what?

I do not believe that your damned if you do/dont.

I believe you chose the best option. Adoption is very important because there are many people out there that want children and can not have children. This gives the child a chanch in life. Which every baby should have that chanch no matter the situation. I say, good for you roogirl.

Joe

Thank you, Joe.

vedrana, I don't think she was asking your/our opinion about her choice, but more so about being torn about decisions.
roogirl, I think you may be looking for the right and wrong. There will always be people who will say that whatever decision you make is wrong, and some who will say it's right. Everybody will be able to give you all thier reasons why you should make a decision that they agree with, but what it really comes down to is what you believe, how you feel. These choices are based on your own personal code, and when it comes down to it, with that choice and every other choice you make in life, how you are going to feel about it once the decision has been made.

Precisely.

[Allheart]

Hi Roogirl.

I think it is a damn if you do, damned if you don't scenario if one allows themselves to concern themselves with other's opinions.

Roogirl, I was never in that situation, and for anyone, who is not directly involved to think they have a voice, is in my opinion very mistaken.

I do smile at the option you choose. A smile on my face and in my heart.

For some odd reason, people feel they have a right to "share" their viewpoint on such a personal issue. I always thought, when someone expresses themselves, or makes a judgement on a situation, that has nothing to do with them, truly are masking issues they need to work on inside themselves.

To answer your question, only if one allows themselves to be exposed to what other's think.

[talaniman]

Hi Roo, No matter, what people will always make judgement on what you decide. The whole key is to remember that it's your decision not theirs, so take the positive and let the negative stuff themselves. I applaud the decision of the 16 year old you, as it gave your baby and you a better chance to grow and be happy, and that's the point.

[Miss V]

Miss Roo, if I read this correctly you made the decision 20 years ago after a lot of deep soul searching. Roo then is different than Roo now. If you are curious about this child's life through the years up to now, by all means give yourself permission to find out. Only you have all of the information that went into making that decision, and that baby, now grown, should have the right to at least meet you.

[talaniman]

V-see post 15 she has met him.

[Taukame]

Miss v, why do you say he has the "right" to meet her? Once he was given up for adoption all "rights" on both sides were terminated. No one has the "right" to see anybody, just because a person gives birth to you does not give you a free pass into their life.
I don't want this to be taken as something against adoption or anything like that. But sometimes people walk around assuming they have a certain right, and it can just make a situation much more complicated.
By the way, Roo, (as if you needed this), I support you decision whole heartedly, as it was your decision. If you would have opted for some other decision I would have supported that one wholeheartedly as well, because I know that you made the decision that was best for you.

[FeelSoNumbZombie]

I believe open adoption is the only option. It settles a mothers concerns. Both of them.