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Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 01:52 AM

I am only 21 and I have a daughter who is 1. I am married to a man who has been previously married and divorced with a 4 year old son. I can not seem to get over his past. He has always struggled financially because he pay $600 per month in child support. He has not done anything to modify the default divorcée decree in over 2 years. I just don't understand he can not even provide for me and our daughter every month. I get really frustrated because when I need to buy my daughter something she needs he complains about the cost. I am a full time student and I make $800 a month. My husband used to have a job making $20.00 per hour until he quit to go to school a couple months ago. Now he is making $11 PT and still paying child support. I am so lost right now and I need to get pointed in the right direction. He tells me he loves me but continues to bring up my past, yell at me, calls me names. I know I'm not a perfect angel but I do try to make things work for our daughter. Has anyone had to deal with this in the past? I really need advise on what to do so I can get on the path to happiness.

donf · Nov 9, 2010, 06:24 AM

Blondie,

Just curious, when you married your husband, did you know of his past life?

Let it go! He cannot change his past anymore than you can change your past.

Draw a line in your histories and don't go beyond that any more.

As to changing his child support payments, if it is a court ordered payment, he may not be able to get it reduced.

answerme_tender · Nov 9, 2010, 07:52 AM

What does he bring up about your past all the time?

Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 09:32 AM

I had one previous relationship and I was engaged. I also used to have a ton of friends and we would go out and party all the time. The whole city knew me and my friends. He just can't seen to get over that. He has taken me way from all my friends.I think I was too honest with him and now he uses it agaist me. We have been married for 2 years in Feb. and donf I did not know about his past life completely. When we met he lied to me about everything from how much money he made to the color of his sock and now I'm just stuck! Its hard for me to draw the line when he continues to cross it. I try to make it work but its constant fighting all the time about everything. I mean if our daughter wakes up and she make a little peep to disturb he sleep she is the most annoying baby he has ever seen and he is so mad! I always defend and protect our daughter to the fullest. I feel like I shouldn't have to with her own father, Am I wrong for wanting to leave?

answerme_tender · Nov 9, 2010, 09:55 AM

Okay first of all, you both should have sat down and fully discussed him leaving his job to go back to school. One of you needed a full time job with benefits until you graduated. Once you were done with school, then it would have been his time to go back. I understand wanting to get your education, but if you cannot afford it till later, then that's how it is. You both should have also stopped to consider how much it was going to cost for child support and you going to school prior to you having another child!

I think its amazing when someone says " He has taken me away from all my friends". No one can force you not to have contact with a friend, unless you FIRST allow them that control over you.

Iam concerned with him showing very little understanding when it comes to your child. He should have some type of idea what its like to have a baby, its not his first time of being a father. Have you any idea what his past relationship was with his ex and his child? I would at least try and find out some of that info, and not necessarily from HIM, since he has proven to be dis-honest.

Have you considered professional counseling at all? There must be someone on your campus that can assist you. If he doesn't want to go, at least go for yourself.

Keep us posted, I wish you luck

Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 11:57 AM

He decided he wanted to get his child support lowered so he quit to go to school and work PT. I thought that it would benefit us in the long run. But now after everything is happening I wish I still had days to myself. Luckily my parents pay for my school so I don't have to worry about tuition or books. Prior to me becoming pregnant my husband was not paying $600 a month in child support. He had some papers served to him that he never responded to so they defaulted. His ex lied about his income so he got stuck with the bill.

My husband has deleted my Facebook account numerous time and made me change my number because "he pays the bill". I think I became too dependent on him so It made me feel like he had the right to control me. Prior to meeting him I had my dream car and I was happy. After becoming married my parents stopped helping me out and I could not afford my car anymore with baby on the way. He wanted me to stay home with her everyday with no car so he knew I was at home not out doing anything. I felt stranded.

I exactly argue with he should know the ropes since he has a child but him and his ex were separated when the child was 1 so he wasn't around much. He always says my 4 year old NEVER did this! I say you don't know because you have only had a relationship with him every other weekend. I think he has a jealousy issue. I do allot for my daughter maybe more that he has ever done with his 4 year old. I don't know! Its completely ridiculous the way he acts sometimes. Its pretty sad to think that even a stranger off the streets would treat her better sometimes. I have seen his 4 year old grow since he was almost 2 and there have been times I wanted to rip my hair out but I didn't complain about it or say anything. Why can't he be that same way?I have had to deal with allot of baby momma drama and I just keep going strong. The 4 year old has been told by his mother to tel our family that we are not his family and that I don't love him and that I'm mean. I think I have sacrificed allot to try and make this relationship work. I look back and I don't know what I was even thinking involving myself with a man who has a child from a previous relationship. I was 19 young and dumb.

We have done counseling and he puts on the fake. He says he will change but he only changes on the weekend we have his 4 year old then we are back fighting literally the next hour. I just want to be a happy and I want my daughter to be happy. I think we have different parenting styles and it makes us clash even more.

Thanks everyone for all your feedback its really helping me.

answerme_tender · Nov 9, 2010, 12:17 PM

Blondie29,

Here is just a thought. With whatever you decide to do. When you think about your 4yro step-child, keep in mind that if you do decide to move on, that his NEXT wife will me your daughters step-mother and will she be as discriptive of your daughter as you are towards your step-child! As you know as a parent, it is very difficult for any child to go from one atmosphere to another, they are expected to adjust just by memory. That always amazed me, that so many step parents think that their step children are just going to slip into this house holds mold just by remembering each parents house rules, NO MATTER WHAT AGE! But, when it comes to their own child, no one better force their parenting down that child's throat. Now I do realize it is VERY difficult and also very rewarding in being a step-parent, but bottom line we are dealing with children, who just want love and acceptance.

Back to your husband, you are a grown woman, with a daughter. It is obvious you are a good mother, and because of that you will make the right decision. You seem to know what you want, but are just getting will to make that choice.

88sunflower · Nov 9, 2010, 12:42 PM

Originally Posted by Blondie29

He decided he wanted to get his child support lowered so he quit to go to school and work PT.

Now that bothers me. He wanted his child support lowered so he quit for part time work and school? Does he realize school may possibly help him get a better job and in return he pays more support then before?

Also he took on less work to pay less support for one child. Red flag. Where in there did you think he would want to take care of the one he has with you?

He sounds very selfish and controlling. He must stop having children if he isn't willing to take care of them.

I also want to tell you that at 19 you were not young and dumb as you put it. I am sure he painted a pretty picture and life was going to be perfect. There are women out that at 30 and 40 making the same choices you did at 19.

Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 01:24 PM

He said he wanted to get it lowered so he could better support our family. He knows in the future he could potentially have to pay more but for right now he wants it to be fair. I guess we just have to suffer until he gets it taken care of. He is going to be filling paper work by the end of the month so hopefully that situation can be worked out and I can have a peace of mind. If we have a household income of $2100 what is a reasonable amount to pay considering the ex makes 10.50 working full time living with her parents going on vactions every other weekend?

I think that since he didn't have a pretty relationship with his ex he takes it out in on our relationship. He should have learned from past mistakes to have a better future but I don't think he is mature ebough to look at it like that. He is very insecure and I think that is another one of his problems as well.

My own daughter makes me want to rip my hair out sometimes too. What I meant by it was with children you need to be patient and he is not patient at all with our daughter. I think about that allot though. I put myself in the 4 year old shoes and think I would never want my daughter to go through what I have seen the 4 year old go through. I can see the 4 year old tries to adjust and tries to impress us allot I think the 4 year old has done a very good job since the 4 year old has had the same routine all these years. Yes on our side of the pole we do not include the children in the mess of everything else. Now I wish the 4 year olds mother would think the same way and realize when she says things that are wrong that it doesn't my the child feel very accepted.

I really wish I could make things work for the benefit of both the children! But we keep having these problems and arguments. I think that some peoples personalities clash and if we could ever find that median things could work out great but I do not ant to expose my daughter to any negative energy and I am afraid if he is mad at me he will take it out on her. Can people start over and find happiness again or will they always have something holding them back?

88sunflower · Nov 9, 2010, 01:34 PM

People can start over and find happiness. You have to want to and you have to work on it. Together.

First I agree you do need to be patient with children. I always think this way with my son. He has never been a 7 year old before and I have never been a mother before. Each day is new and each day we learn together. Sometimes you have to hold your ground with your kids as hard as it is. At other times you need to step back and think about how they might be feeling. This could be the case with your children. You have one together and one from a mixed family. Its hard to make them feel equal when he has his mother on the outside and an influence. This I feel is where he needs to work with her. On everything. Discipline, routine and even the support.

Have you considered counseling?

Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 02:03 PM

I really would love to start all the way over again with him. Because we were in love but was I in love with a lie? Could I ever love him for him? If he cannot change I don't think I would be able to do it. He would have to be 100% committed. I would just break my trust again if I let in all the way back into my heart and he deceives me by going back to his old ways? Are they his old ways or his ways? I need to figure that out.

Honestly the 4 year old child gets watched by 78 year old grandparents daily is not in day care or preschool. I wish we had a say because my husband and I both think it is wrong. We have tried to let her know about the change in circumstances and she told us to deal with the state not her. She lied in the support order so she is more concerned about the money then it being fair for everyone including 4 year old the child. I feel like she tries to get revenge on my husband by not showing up when its our weekend with the child. Does she not think about the child at all? He came over in size 6-9 month shorts 2 weeks ago. If my husband is paying so much why can't he be in preschool and why can he not have nice clothes? We have plenty of nice clothes shoes and toys for him here!

I am going to try and have a conversation with him about everything tonight. Put everything on the table and see how he reacts. Thanks everyone!

88sunflower · Nov 9, 2010, 02:13 PM

Just one question.
When its your weekend with your son why was your husband not there?

Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 02:33 PM

What do you mean?

88sunflower · Nov 9, 2010, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by Blondie29

Honestly the 4 year old child gets watched by 78 year old grandparents daily is not in day care or preschool. I wish we had a say because my husband and I both think it is wrong. We have tried to let her know about the change in circumstances and she told us to deal with the state not her. She lied in the support order so she is more concerned about the money then it being fair for everyone including 4 year old the child. I feel like she tries to get revenge on my husband by not showing up when its our weekend with the child. Does she not think about the child at all? He came over in size 6-9 month shorts 2 weeks ago. If my husband is paying so much why can't he be in preschool and why can he not have nice clothes? We have plenty of nice clothes shoes and toys for him here!

I could be wrong but I read it as he wasn't showing up to get your child. If I am wrong I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

88sunflower · Nov 9, 2010, 02:43 PM

I am reading that in a totally different way. I am sorry for that.

Blondie29 · Nov 9, 2010, 03:08 PM

Oh It's meaning she will not show up to meet us to give him to us on our weekends. We usually meet every other weekends at certain times that we all agreed on. She will just not show or give us 30min notice of an excuse. Then she won't let us take him the following weekend because its *her* weekend.