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Shakira13 · Nov 4, 2010, 07:19 PM

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. We have now lived together for two. About a year ago I found porn web sites in his phone. I asked him about it and he said him and his friend were looking at it and making fun of it. Then about six months later he went to Vegas. I had a feeling he went to a strip club but he denied it. Then after he got back he asked when a bill was due. I looked at the card (I handle our finances) and it showed a strip club. I asked him about it and it was lie after lie. First I didn't go, I went in to get change, I didn't know it was a strip club, etc. The lies lasted for three days. Then I looked up the price list to see what was bought - a lap dance. When I asked about that he said it was for his friend because he owed him money. I finally got over it thinking maybe it was possible but then last night I found more porn on his phone. He said maybe his brother got onto the internet on his phone but I am so sick of it. If I just knew the truth it wouldn't be hard to say I'm done. We have been together since we were 15 and I have never found him doing anything like this before. I don't know if things are changing or if Im just catching it.

Jlesnik33 · Nov 4, 2010, 07:40 PM

I learned this the hard way, but if you can't trust someone, there is no need to stick around. Believe what your gut is telling you! You can't be with someone you can't trust. You'll be questioning yourself day in day out and that's not a way to live your life.

But on another note. You guys started dating when you were 15, and from your question I'm assuming you both are now 19. All guys go threw hormones and that's exactly what it sounds like to me. He is at that age. Porn, is not cheating. And its Most of every guys dream to go to a strip club at least once. To go to a strip club you have to be at least 18 years or older... I wouldn't hold it against him at all. It could be a faze that he would get over, and he doesn't want to tell you because its uncomfortable for him.

But it doesn't changed how much he loves you and wants to be with you. Remember that.

Justwantfair · Nov 4, 2010, 09:58 PM

He apparently knows how you feel about porn and strip clubs and while I don't agree with your interpretation that this is a horrible offense, he is clearly trying to stay out of hot water with you.

If you can't trust him than it's a situation that you are going to have to face and that may mean breaking up. If you expect to find a man who doesn't ever look at porn or hasn't ever been to a strip club, than prepare for a long single life until you find that one guy.

Clemintine · Nov 5, 2010, 01:51 AM

I can feel what your feeling right now, it takes me back to my old relationships where you second guess everything they say to you, wondering if it's a lie. It hurts and it's a lot of stress to put yourself under for a long period. If he isn't going to be open with you about things like that and deny deny deny and lie to your face you will not feel anything but anger and resentment towards your fellow. It's true mostly every man looks at porn but I have to say you can draw the line at a strip club, or lap dance for that matter. That's real, that's another woman touching and that is not exactly great for your relationship if he's hiding it especially, I mean if you didn't care it wouldn't matter but it's obviously very hurtful to you.
You end up being "that girlfriend" who is always accusing or questioning him and where he's been but that's not what your like and you don't want to live like that... Talk to him and tell him how you feel about this and how you can't seem to trust what he says, that because he lies or so badly covers his tracks (really? Using the card you handle to go to the strip club and thinking you won't find out?) you think maybe he is hiding something. I bet if he opened up about it you could handle it better than having doubts everywhere in your head. I find as females if we don't know what's going on we assume the worst, or at least a lot of chicks I know all seem to do that when in a relationship.
I really think if you can't trust this guy in the end and believe he is where he says he is then it's best to break it off and save yourself years of your heart feeling like it's being dragged through mud.

talaniman · Nov 5, 2010, 12:38 PM

If you get so mad about what he is doing, which is normal for a 19 year old to be doing with the guys, you will be distracted from the real issue, the lying about it. I think your best bet is to face th facts he is a young guy, and make him feel its better to be honest, and deal with reality, than to lie, and have to deal with assuming, presuming, and mistrust.

He isn't perfect, neither are you, you're both very young, and for a relationship to grow through honesty, loyalty, and trust, you both have to define the boundaries of good behavior, and have an atmosphere of trust. That takes communications so talk to him about it, your feelings, and be a listener as well when he does tell the truth.

Now I really think his lies are about avoiding a big problem with you, but he will learn avoiding problems through lies makes for bigger problems, because that's what you will teach him. You do this by letting him know his lying will not be tolerated, and asking him to be honest, and then dealing with why he lied, and show him he doesn't have to. Lying is a pattern you nip in the bud together, or for sure you will get more of it, and that's not going to work. If you can't depend on what your partner says, then its very difficult to grow in a relationship. Hard to even give a liar the benefit of a doubt, and that's what he needs to know from you.

I hope you can present yourself reasonable, and calm, as well as open minded, as you find out new things about each other, so you CAN resolve your issues to the benefit of you both. You are not the same young teens who started this relationship, as you both have, and will continue to change, and grow.

answerme_tender · Nov 5, 2010, 01:13 PM

I agree that you are no longer the young teens, but grown adults. Everyone deserves the right to explore their own sexuality without being QUESTIONED by their girlfriend. You need to remember you are his girlfriend NOT his mother. He is a grown man and doesn't need to ask your permission to go into a strip club, nor does he need to explain what he has on HIS phone.

Unfortuantely he should have said those things to you when started to question him instead of lying. I understand that you may personally disagree with strip clubs and pornography, but instead of shoving your opinon on to him. Try sitting down and calmly explaining how you feel and see what his thoughts are and if you BOTH can find a compromise.
While having this conversation I would also explain that if he wants to be treated as a grown man then he better be able to look you in the eye and tell the truth, even if it does tick you off.