[Twistinwood]

My wife want a divorce and I can't give up.
First we have been together 20 years with 3 kids. I just turned 40. She started back to school to get bachelor degree right now she is a night shift RN. I do say mean hurtful things and no it's a problem. She will yell sometimes but never sat me down to talk. Since I turned 40 the last few months I realized I need to spent time. Stop yelling so easy and not worry about little things. I am a good dad and she will attest to that. I found a note with divorce plans on it. She said I was doing everything write but can't work on it or try.

I looked up so much stuff and gave it to her to read so it came from the source on how important it is to try to save it. I am willing to do what it takes. She said she found self confidence and absolutely won't try. She says kids will be fine they will be as big of a part of my life it won't change. She made up her mind and that's it. I have a mom that would love me to fail a aunt that would love to be involved in my drama. Pry too much. I really have her family and I can not go to them for help. She has been getting advice from women at work. She don't understand things change when I'm the x with her family she says it can be the same. She is trying in her own way.

I have no one to talk to and she won't budge on trying. I feel like I must have Been a monster. I get no sleep and can't eat. Worst month of my life. She says no other guy is involved. I want advice why she won't try for the kids. I ask to get a councilor if she would go and she said she will. I asked if she would go with open mind and she said "I'm done" I can't stop crying 20 years is a long time how do you split that I been with her since we were 16 married for 20 years been together for 24 years.

She said she don't want child support I can take what I want and she will be fair. All I want is a chance to fix things I want to know if I am a monster. My comments and kind lazy was my downfall. She says 2 years she wanted to do it, and she is proud at her self esteem, and won't change her mind. I get upset and start arguing about how I'm not going to be a sitter and make it so easy for her. I do some much cleaning the kids come to me easy, and so bring lazy at times and mean I am not bad.

I am scared to death and can't figure out why she can't find enough love left to try. I am miserable as heck. Thinking all day and night can't concentrate at work. It sucks. Bad. I think friends and family advice is to one sided. It's the weekend and I have no one to talk to. I need to know with what I said you could give advice. I know you don't know story very well but anything would be great. I have no friends I am at home with kids all the time. What the heck should I do?? Where do you think the problem is? Anyone please.
Thanks,
Sad at home

[Wondergirl]

I ask to get a councilor if she would go and she said she will.

My advice is to do that. Even if she says she will not change her mind, at least give the counselor a try. The counselor will help the two of you talk through what has happened and help both of you figure out the future, with each other or without.

Will you do that?

[Twistinwood]

I will for sure. It just going to be a long weekend. I feel like a baby crying alone. Crying for that matter. I try to put happy face on but it's hard. I feel like a stalker texting her and calling. She works nights I work days she sleeps lot

[Twistinwood]

Mostly have a half hour before work and after. When we do got more time I where her down with question I get no answers except I tried. The she says she has nap I'm wearing her out. I just want her to say why she won't open up. I am proud of her IDN

[Twistinwood]

Sure with I would have proofed that before I posted it.

[Wondergirl]

Please do this for me. Stop texting her or calling her. Stop completely. This makes you seem weak and even pathetic, and I'm sure annoys her very much. Stop for the weekend. Let's see what happens.

Spend time with your children and chat with us (and answer questions on this site). If you must talk with her, talk about the weather and smile and say innocuous things that have nothing to do with your marriage or relationship. If she brings up anything, wave her off, "Not now."

Don't post in the Comment section; post in the Answer box. Then you can edit.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sometimes it is too little to late, men and women often forget how much they have till they lose it.

You will need to just be a dad and don't use that time to try and harrass your wife.
If you can get her to go with you to counseling, do it. But remember it is not "just to get together" it is to find out what each wants, and sometimes it shows you need to be apart.

[Justwantfair]

Your wife maybe feeling 20 years of neglect. She has finally accomplished something on her own and feeling a pull to be more independent. You did not state whether she has talked about these issues with you in the previous 20 years, but I doubt this was a decision that she made lightly or overnight.

This does not make you a monster, but you will need to find some of your own strength here. She is not happy and you aren't going to be able to force her to stay. By constantly clinging to her now, you are empowering her and removing your own power. You need to take some time to yourself and access the situation.

I know it is difficult but the advice given about letting the situation rest is the best option for you right now, even though I know it is extremely difficult. If she will go to counseling, that is a wonderful thing, whether she believes her mind is made up or not. Give yourself a break, as there isn't anything you can do right now but give the relationship some breathing room. A relationship doesn't fail because of one person. Relieve yourself of all the guilt, it took two of you to get to this place. Now do what you can to allow her the space to see that you still care and want to work on the relationship. It maybe too late, but it the option you have now.

[talaniman]

Not trying to be harsh, but honest! You seem to have emotionally neglected your wife for a long time, and killed whatever feelings she did have for you, and the life you had. I think what she means by lazy was a lack of effort to keep the connection that couple have to motivate them to keep things going. You stopped being friends, stop communicating, and grew apart. You didn't work at it together, no matter what life through at you. Not a recipe for having a healthy marriage.

This didn't start yesterday, or the day before, but has been brewing for years no doubt, yet you, for whatever reasons, ignored the signs that got you where you are. What's more telling than anything, is you blaming her for the situation, and can't understand why SHE doesn't want to try any more. Its simply to late, and you better get off that pity pot, and make up your mind to accept what is now, and make yourself better.

Hard to maintain and sustain anything my friend, without putting in a lot of hard work, and sacrifice. In short, you took what you had for granted, and got a wake up call to get off your butt, and get it in gear, whether she goes, which is what she wants to do, and probably will, or stays, which I highly doubt.

Now be a good single dad, and rebuild your life, so your kids will have a good example of manhood to follow, and emulate. Not a miserable shell of a man that can't get, and maintain a solid happy life, no matter what life throws at him. Even divorce! Seems we are going to find out what kind of man you really are, a lazy whinnying quitter, or a hard working fellow that deals with reality in a positive way, to build a happy life, and smart enough to adjust to the changes of life.

You have always had that choice, but now you have to actually do something about it. I advise you to get to be willing to work hard on yourself.