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cassandra_w · Oct 26, 2010, 06:15 PM

Im 19 years old blonde 5'8 and 126 lbs with 34 Ds and my boyfriend loves me but has no interest in having sex with me. We have been together a year and a half and at first he didn't want to do anything but have sex. He loved my body and everything about me. But when we moved in together we would have sex once a week then once every two weeks and so on. I was in love so I couldn't leave him just because the bad sex life but when he became mean and distant I decide it was over. So I tried and tried to leave but he would cry and beg me to stay or threaten to kill himself if I did. A year went by of this **** and I cheated on him I NEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING I did it because I knew he would leave me. It seemed like the only way out. So, he through me out on the street. So I stayed at a friends house for a while and then left the state. But it just wasn't over for me I still loved him. So I came back a month later to get my things from the house and he looked horribe probably lost 20 lbs and all he wanted to do was have sex with me! *** so I thought that that being our main problem we should try again. WRONG. It got so much worse, he wouldn't have sex with me for months! And he wouldn't even kiss me. SO I left again and stayed with a really sweet guy who wanted to date me. BUT my boyfriend showed up at his house crying and begging me to come back so I did. And the first thing he did was have sex with me! I think its like this sick trick he plays. But he found out I had sex with that guy while we were broke up and he went INSANE and hurt me and tried to hurt himself. So now I'm still with him. I cry myself to sleep everyday and we stopped having sex with me all together and blames all our problems on me. What can I do?

JammerT · Oct 26, 2010, 06:26 PM

If this relationship is abusive and you are not happy, you should end it. I know its hard and you may feel that you have nowhere to turn, but there are people that you can talk to about these things. I suggest going for a regular check up with your doctor, this is an open environment and you should feel comfortable to talk with your doctor about this. Your doctor can get you some resources to help you leave him in a way that you can be safe. If you are concerned about him hurting himself, you could also try couples counseling. I know this is a difficult situation but you need to take care of yourself first, best wishes.

Alty · Oct 26, 2010, 06:29 PM

This is what happens when you don't communicate with each other.

Instead of talking about these problems you're both playing childish games, cheating, leaving, begging, crying, but not talking. Are you hoping he'll just figure out what you want without you telling him?

Personally I don't know why you're still with him if he physically abused you, but, if you want to make this work you have to talk to him about how you feel. If you can't work it out after talking, and maybe counseling, than it's time to end it once and for all. I would already be out the door, no man hits me and gets a second chance.

Alty · Oct 26, 2010, 07:14 PM

JammerT does not find this helpful : Because they judged the person, everyone has problems and obviously she is seeking help, not criticism.

Please read the rules, disagrees (reddies) are for factually incorrect information only, not for opinion.

I wasn't criticizing, I was offering my opinion which is just as valid as yours.

Cat1864 · Oct 26, 2010, 07:42 PM

JammerT, please review the rules for using the Rating/Comments System. Opinions are not subject to 'disagrees' no matter who much you might not like it. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

cassandra, how old is your boyfriend? How long were you together before you moved in together?

You both need to get out of this unhealthy situation. You are not responsible for making him happy. He is responsible for himself and you are responsible for yourself.

I am going to be blunt. He hurt you and himself after months of game playing by both of you. That cannot be allowed to happen again.

From what you are describing, you are going to end up getting hurt worse when something happens that causes him to feel threatened. I would almost bet that he is keeping tabs on you to make sure you don't stray again. I would almost bet that you have very little freedom and that he doesn't trust you when he doesn't know where you. You have given him permission to think his behavior is acceptable because you came back to him and have put up with it.

Does his family know about his mental and emotional instability? They are the ones who should be dealing with him not you. Stop feeling guilty or responsible for him. Stop enabling him to act the way he has been. Leave and contact the proper authorities and his family and tell them about his threats and actions. Let them deal with it. It may seem harsh, but reality often is.

FilthyDFC · Oct 27, 2010, 01:15 AM

I agree with everyone else. I'd pick the safest approach for the both of you, and drop this guy like 3rd period french. It sounds like you can easily do much better.

cassandra_w · Oct 27, 2010, 05:25 AM

I have tried to communicate with him but HE Won't TALK TO ME about anything serious that is. And he is in denial himself about his mental/ emotional stability and would never go to a doctor.

cassandra_w · Oct 27, 2010, 05:26 AM

And the physical abuse happened once and I don't believe it would ever happen again.

Synnen · Oct 27, 2010, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by cassandra_w

And the physical abuse happened once and I dont believe it would ever happen again.

I am absolutely astounded at the number of domestic violence victims that say this, and who are amazed and shocked when it DOES happen again.

Cat1864 · Oct 27, 2010, 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by cassandra_w

And the physical abuse happened once and I dont believe it would ever happen again.

Did you think it would happen that time?

The thing about abuse of self and others is that it is easier to cross the boundary of acceptable behavior once it has already been breached. Do you think he didn't think about hurting you when you cheated? He did hurt you when he perceived it as cheating when it wasn't. Are you positive there won't be a next time? Are you willing to bet your life on it?

He has been abusing you emotionally and mentally with his threats to hurt himself. He is making you responsible for his happiness and well-being. He hurt you for what you did while you weren't together. Since you are crying yourself to sleep every night, you know this isn't right. You know somewhere deep down that you are being used as an emotional crutch or security blanket. IF you stay with him when he isn't doing anything to help himself, you are giving him permission to continue to use you and to not help himself.

I doubt you are going to like being told that you are young, but you are. You were even younger when you became involved with this male. A 17/18 year old is very vulnerable to falling into the cycle of abuse because he/she doesn't recognize it as such. You are here because you are learning to see the relationship for what it is.

What are you getting out of being denied sex (except when it is used as a tool to get you back) and crying yourself to sleep? Is your self-confidence and self-respect worth it?

Justwantfair · Oct 27, 2010, 06:37 AM

You are worried about him hurting, if you leave him.

Yet you have cheated on him twice and KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

Stop playing games and move on and allow him to move on as well. This relationship is unhealthy for the both of you.

Domestic Violence is unacceptable and by staying you are risking a similar episode or worse. Seek assistance from your family or a battered woman's shelter, don't stay in a relationship for guilt.

smoothy · Oct 27, 2010, 07:18 AM

You should first recommend he get into counseling... and second... put as much distance between him and you as you can... and stop sleeping with him... its NOT going to change. He is who he is...

CravenMorhead · Oct 28, 2010, 12:48 PM

What can you do?

Leave. Now.

As far as I can tell, he's playing mind games with you. He is doing everything thing he can to keep you. Threatening suicide, physical abuse, crying, begging, and the list goes on. He never follows through and it will never change. Nothing will get better.

Why continue to throw good money after bad?

The second thing I see is that you already want to leave. You have been looking for someone to tell you that it is what needs to be done. You're unsure of this path. You have to walk it. Leave.

Things will get better.

Also. You're not getting off scot free. You need to learn how to talk to your partner. It is a platitude on this board. If you can't talk about sex, you should be having it. Communication will save a lot of heartache.

tara04 · May 10, 2011, 04:43 AM

I think your well out of order... instead of talking to you boyfriend about th issues you just had sex with someone else! And then when he is obv. Having a hard time you want to run at the first hurdle. Seems like you just don't want to be with him. Do him a favour and leave him but don't come back because you miss him, its toyying with his emotions too much. And of course he will be upset that you slept with two guys, that's a lot to get over! Give him time and talk to him or pack your bags and go.