[vessp]

This is my story:

So, there was this girl that I used to date. There are some things that you should know first: 1) by dating her, I was going against what my parents stand for and I deeply respect them and would hate to lose their trust. 2) We started dating in high school; I was young and naïve and she was the first person that I ever dated.
I tend to relate most of my feelings to my mom, so when we started to date, I had to tell her. If she found out from someone else that I was doing this, she would be devastated. When I told her, she was both happy and upset. Happy that I liked someone the way I did, but upset because the girl was not of the same faith as I was (you may think that she was taking it too seriously, but that’s just the way she thinks). She advised me to not pursue the relationship too much because even though my mom would be partially “okay” with it, my father would be absolutely furious if he would find out and that would not be good for me.
Despite my mother’s wishes, who agreed not to tell my father as long as I don’t pursue the relationship further, we continued to go out. We would go to eat ice cream, take walks in the park and drive around in the rain. We also had a lot in common; same future goals, same interest, same knack for taking certain things to the extreme. This continued for about 2 weeks. Then one day as my girlfriend, friend and I were going another campus for class, my dad had happened to drive by next to us on his way home. Now, in our culture, only a sister, mother or wife sits next to the driver (me) and that is where my girlfriend just so happened to be sitting as well. Before I had got home, he had told my mother this and left to go finish working. When I got home, my mom told me what my dad said, and told me to end our relationship.
The next day, I took my girlfriend out to the park so we could talk. I told her that my parents didn’t approve of this continuing and I had to respect their wishes (her parents did not know of us either but that is a different story). We sadly, ended our relationship with a hug, but promised each other to stay friends. We had not even kissed.
She was upset with my parents, and I don’t blame her. Our different cultures also made it somewhat difficult for us to understand each other reasons for continuing/braking up. We continued to talk to each other for a few months. Then, one day, I received a text from her asking if I was all right during class today because I did not look so good. I responded that I was fine. She replied with a wall of text explain how I wasn’t fine because I said “I was fine.” My reply was (because I was honestly fine), “what the hell did you want me to say? I am fine.” Following that text, everything about us, went downhill.
She had replied that she was done trying to “open me up” (in her defense, I was quite the reserved and shy person in high school) and that she was done with me. She didn’t really speak with me for a while afterwards. Things slowly got worse in between us. Once in a while she or I would try to talk to the other again, but we would just drift farther apart each time. We resolved what remained of our relationship with a texting conversation. We were talking about what “our” future will be like. I had suggested that we remain acquaintances (little did I know that what she though acquaintances meant) and she agreed. We also said that we don’t have feelings for each other.
We did not talk after that. She avoided me, and I, her. She even went as far as dropping out the classes I had with her. Things seemed to be fine. This when all the trouble, my trouble, began. As time went by, I started to miss her. It seemed that we had spent so much time together, that It felt awkward that she was gone. I kept my feelings to myself for some time, then I approached her one day. We actually talked; things almost also seemed to be fine.
We were talking now for a few days and things were looking up. We actually hugged. Then I asked her if she really didn’t have any feelings for me when we stopped talking because I was suspicious that she did. She affirmed that she didn’t. Inside, I was a little heartbroken because I felt I still had feelings for her. We continued to talk until one day, towards the end of our conversation admitted that she did have feelings for me, but that she would never pursue them because of my parents. I was upset that she hadn’t told me earlier, because there would have been a chance that we could get back together secretly. After this conversation, we started to talk less and less. One night, I decided to confess my feelings for her in letter, that maybe we didn’t have to go out, but just be friends, maybe even go to prom with me. She never replied.
Months later after total avoidance (to the point where our friends could feel the tension between us when we were in the same room, which was quite embarrassing), I reminded her of the letter I sent her. She didn’t say anything at first, but one day, she pulled me aside after class. She asked me if my parents would be all right if we were friends. I told her of course, just as long as we keep it at friends, which, in itself, was enough for me. She thought that I was lying just so that she would agree to be friends again. I tried to tell her that I was telling the truth, but she was adamant that I wasn’t telling the truth. After saying some harsh words in front of other students in the hall, she stormed off and left me. I was so, embarrassed afterwards. After that, she revoked my invitation to a party that she was planning and she would openly talk about it in front of me afterwards.
Those things seriously pissed my off and I was very angry with her. I thought that that would be that. Later that year, I was walking to lunch when I saw here with her new boyfriend. When she saw me, she hid her head in her books right away. I felt bad that she had to do that in front of her boyfriend, but I wonder why she did if she didn’t care about me anymore.
In retrospect, I think back to the good times that we had, the secrets she told me, the things that we missed. Then I can’t believe how naïve that I was. I did not know how to show her that I liked her. She did so much for me in those two weeks, whereas I did little. She got me things, she told me secrets, she spent so much time with me, but I feel so bad that I did not so the same. She was much more mature than I was at the time.
Months have passed now. I am attending the same college as she. Despite what happened though, I miss her. In fact, I think that I may love her now. I don’t know what it is. I have never really felt this way before. I feel like Heathcliff might have with Catherine. I know this sounds cheesy, but there has not been a day when she hasn’t come to mind. She however, is still with the same boy that I had saw with her months earlier and he really seems to like her. My friends and I play Frisbee often, and more times than not, she ends up in the same game because she is close friends with one of my roommates. We still completely avoid each other and it is very apparent to our friends. I sometimes feel like telling her, or anyone, what I feel for her, but I just cant. It goes against what my parents believe, what my religion tells me and what part of me is saying, but there is a large part of me that wants to be with her all the time. I do not want to be stood up again, but I also want to tell her so bad. And, if, for some odd reason, she feels what I feel, which I highly doubt, I would feel awful for her boyfriend. It is not that I am suspicious that she still might like me, it is just hopefulness. What should I do? Not tell anyone and do the seemingly right thing even though it eats me up inside, or confess again only to me shot down again. I am torn.
I am very sorry for the excess text, but I felt I need to say all of it.

[YeloDasy]

You are a very good writer! :)
Well, I guess the first question that comes to mind is... what do you want? If you were to "say something" what would be the purpose? Do you want to be on friendly terms and not avoid each other? Do you want to win her back? That would make a difference in what you should do!
My first intuition says to write her a letter, telling her how you feel, just what you told us, and that you want to be civil because you were too close to have these tense moments when you see each other. You can let her know that you respect her, her new relationship, and that you care about her. But beyond that, I am not sure saying more would be helpful at this time.
Another options would be just telling a friend how you feel just to get it off your chest and let someone "hold it" for you!

[manga]

Wow! Thank you for sharing your time and thought with your story.

First thing I noticed that she is the first person you ever dated and maybe something you can take with you to learn how you reacted with this experience. It's fruitful and overwhelming to sense all the feelings that someone brings out in us. Also cause us crazed with what we desire to have in our life.

I agree with YeloDasy says write a letter. That's an option to do and questioning what your intention is. If you two would be back as friends would you be able to keep it at that?

Also are the tense moments happening because you make it out to be due to the feelings you have for her not expressed? It makes all the difference to experience in how you react when she is around.

Or the other option is work it out within yourself to let her go.

[mmresd]

I think that you are entitled to tell her how you feel, as long as you keep it at that. Although you respect your parents the respect should be reciprocated by them allowing for you to make your own choices and supporting your decisions as long as it is not creating any harm to you. You know what the risks of telling her are, and she does have a boyfriend, but I think you owe it to yourself to tell her and then let her make her own decisions. And if she rejects you don't feel bad, soon enough you will forget about her (with time) and then meet someone who you feel comfortable with and who might even be loved by your parents. Keep your head up as this will eventually be a girl that you have good memories with, and there is nothing wrong with that!

Good Luck,

Javi

[vessp]

Thank you yelo and manga. I think that I will write her a letter, but, first, I will ask my roommate that is still close to her to maybe talk to her and see where I stand in her feelings. If she does not want to even speak, then I must respect that.

[vessp]

Those moments are not awkward because of unexpressed feelings, but because all of our friends (we happen to share many of the same friends) knew that we were good friends before we started avoiding each other. The tension is almost palpable.