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yourluckyystar · Oct 21, 2010, 03:28 PM

Me and my ex-boyfriend were on and off for two years. We went through a lot together ( he had a drug addiction, and I was there through the whole thing ) so I understand why he would want to be friends. But he invited me to his wedding, and even offered to pay for my plane ticket. When I asked him why he said " your the only person who was always there for me and never gave up on me." Then he continues to say how his girlfriend got pregnant so they decided to get married, which has me thinking he doesn't really love her. Who invited their ex to their wedding? Is it just me or does it seem like there's some kind of alternative motives?

Alty · Oct 21, 2010, 03:31 PM

I had three of my exes at my wedding. We were much better as friends so we remained friends after we broke up.

It sounds to me like he's inviting you because he considers you a friend and wants you to be there for his big day. Bottom line, even if he does still care about you, he's getting married and he's going to be a father. Friendship is all he has to offer you.

beachloverjohn · Oct 21, 2010, 03:32 PM

This not only sounds weird, it sounfs kind of cruel. I wouldn't go, and you shouldn't either.

Justwantfair · Oct 21, 2010, 03:51 PM

I am friends with most all of my ex's and wouldn't hesitate to invite any of them to my wedding, unless I felt it would make them uncomfortable.

I don't see poor intentions in his invitation. His reasoning for getting married are his own. He taking a wife, I do not see his intention of inviting you to get back with you.

If you are uncomfortable, do not attend. I think his invitation was sincere and I think your presence will be greatly appreciated. If you are uncomfortable, inquire about taking a guest with you.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 03:58 PM

I see a man who has overcome addiction and is starting a new life with a woman he loves and wants to share that day with a person who was a big help to him.
He has moved on and is thankful to you. That is all I see.
If you feel uncomfortable about going say no thank you and I wish you happiness.
There are plenty of people who get along with their ex and would have no problem with this.

beachloverjohn · Oct 21, 2010, 03:59 PM

I think it is ridiculous to invite your ex to your wedding. What do want to do, rub it in his face?. C'mon, what is the point... I know, why don't you see if you can go on the honeymoon with them.. That way when he falls asleep, his wife will have someone to talk to.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 04:05 PM

If you and your ex remained friends and the relationship is over and you both have moved on, it is not a problem.

The only way anybody's nose is being rubbed is if the one inviting knows the person still has feelings and doesn't care or if you broke up under bad circumstances they were never resolved.
If my ex remarried, I would go to his wedding if he invited me. I would not be offended or hurt.

beachloverjohn · Oct 21, 2010, 04:11 PM

No offense, but read the Op post again. She put up with his crap for 2 years. She says she doesn't think he even loves her. It is so obvious that she is not over him, and resents him for choosing his addictions over her. Her ex boyfriend is an insensitive boob, and she should tell him to go to , well you know where

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 04:14 PM

Well if that is the case, she should tell him to get lost.
But he could be a changed man and meant what he said.
If she never got over him she should stay away.

Justwantfair · Oct 21, 2010, 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by beachloverjohn

I think it is rediculous to invite your ex to your wedding. What do want to do, rub it in his face?.. C'mon, what is the point... I know, why don't you see if you can go on the honeymoon with them.. That way when he falls asleep, his wife will have someone to talk to.

That is how I would have felt too... at 19. When you mature, you realize that relationships with your ex's are no longer about feelings outside of friendship, when you become happy with yourself.

I don't think his intention was to 'rub noses' and it's more sensible as you mature.

beachloverjohn · Oct 21, 2010, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

That is how I would have felt too... at 19. When you mature, you realize that relationships with your ex's are no longer about feelings outside of friendship, when you become happy with yourself.

I don't think his intention was to 'rub noses' and it's more sensible as you mature.

Not in the real world my friend. What happened to the advice we give people a million times a day... I mean "no contact"?

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 04:24 PM

Nobody is telling her to go, we are just saying his asking her is not necessarily nefarious.
We don't know how long they have been broke up, how old either of them are.

If she still has raw feelings she needs to be having no contact with him.

Justwantfair · Oct 21, 2010, 04:24 PM

No contact is for while relationship feelings are still involved, at some point, you can relate to an ex, when feelings of acceptance and relationship love are separate.

There is a reason that relationships go on for years and friendship is the strongest bond of a relationship. While during a break up, the feelings of disappoinment and hurt can take over, but once you find yourself and are happy with yourself again, you can find that friendship valuable again.

That is the real world, maybe when you mature you will realize that. Every relationship is different, but two grown-ups can find a friendship with an ex.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 04:28 PM

I am recently divorced fro a 32 year marriage. Was separated for almost two years.
We are friends. When ever he's in town we go out for lunch. We share a daughter. We wish nothing but the best for each other.

When a relationship is over and you both have healed, you can be friends.

beachloverjohn · Oct 21, 2010, 04:30 PM

Do you really think if this was a case of being "just a friend" she would be on this site asking if it's a good idea tio go to his wedding? C'mon, think about this. I know you have your opinion, and I have mine. I just happen to think my opinion is the one to listen to. But hey, you two are the experts...

Justwantfair · Oct 21, 2010, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by beachloverjohn

Do you really think if this was a case of being "just a friend" she would be on this site asking if it's a good idea tio go to his wedding? C'mon, think about this. I know you have your opinion, and I have mine. I just happen to think my opinion is the one to listen to. But hey, you're the expert..........

Whether she should attend is her choice, depending on where she is in the healing process. She doesn't sound like she has healed or she would not be indecisive about going.

As to whether he invited her with alternate motives, I don't believe that is the case. He is getting married, healed from the failed relationship, yet still grateful for the time they spent together and her support through a difficult time for him. So I don't believe that he invited her to 'rub her nose' in the relationship, as he probably isn't even aware she is not healed.

As for the possibility of a healthy non-sexual relationship with an ex, COMPLETELY POSSIBLE and fairly common.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 04:35 PM

I think this is a case of a guy who has moved on and considers his ex a good friendn, and his ex a woman who still has hurt feelings. In which case she should not go.
She asked if there is an ulterior motive, and I say "not necessarily" That is a question she should maybe ask him.

This is a matter of opinion only. My being expert does not make my opinion any more valid than yours.

beachloverjohn · Oct 21, 2010, 04:45 PM

You are correct Homegirl. Because I consider myself an expert in these matters as well. I just don't choose to share my background at this time. But the fact is it really doesn't matter what his motives are, what matters is that she is opening herself up to a world of hurt if she has to witness how great his life has become, and the 2 years she invested in this relationship has paid off for SOMEONE ELSE. That's all I am going to say on this subject which just happens to really hit home with me.. Sorry to be so disagreeable, I just happen to have va very strong opinion on this matter..

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2010, 05:01 PM

No problem. I have had topics that hit home with me as well. No biggie.

If she still has feelings she should stay away.

Alty · Oct 21, 2010, 09:24 PM

Originally Posted by beachloverjohn

You are correct Homegirl. Because i consider myself an expert in these matters as well. I just don't choose to share my background at this time. But the fact is it really doesn't matter what his motives are, what matters is that she is opening herself up to a world of hurt if she has to witness how great his life has become, and the 2 years she invested in this relationship has payed off for SOMEONE ELSE. That's all I am going to say on this subject which just happens to really hit home with me..Sorry to be so disagreeable, I just happen to have va very strong opinion on this matter..

You really do have a strong opinion here, and opinions are welcome. It's the mishmash of different opinions that make this site great.

There is no clear cut advice on the relationship forum, a lot of it is based on opinion, and our opinions are always based on past experiences. That's the way we work.

When I posted I spoke from my experience, and as I said, three of my exes were at my wedding, one of them was my first everything, and we're still friends to this day.

You are right that if the OP was comfortable with this she wouldn't be here asking, and I really didn't take that into consideration. If she's at all uncomfortable, or still has feelings for the ex that aren't the feelings of a friend, than she shouldn't go, and he should be understanding of that. She may not have moved on, but he has.