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My 16 year old son seems to have given up
I am a 41 year old widow who lost her husband 7 months ago... my son is 16.. he is not dealing with it well.. doesnt want to go to school anymore.. wont seek help.. doesnt see his friends anymore.. stays in his room... I don't know what to do.. I have tried everything! Can someone give me some advice??
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 Originally Posted by pinkmyst
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Honestly, when someone is in the stage of depression there is nothing you can do. Because of the Family Medical Act, most employers and schools must allow up to 12 weeks excused time off.
This is because of the horrendous effect tragidies e.g. death has on their family members. Therefore, you should allow for him to accept the perspective on life. Especially being so young. Many young indivisuals know nothing about death. When it happens, they get the feeling that life isn't what they thought it was. This is true. You make your plans, i.e. to take your best friend out the night you graduate. So you work hard all of these years for it to happen; but your best friend dies. Now, you have no reason to do anything anymore. No motivation. Everything is useless. Therefore, he has to develop new goals and a new reason to accomplish them. This is known as a "nervous breakdown", mental breakdown, or career burnout. And you know how it is when you have worked so hard for years on a job and it suddenly begin to take a toll on you. It is not good to continue to try. This leads to poor performance (kinda like going to work with a bad cold or flu). Hope this answers your question! |
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Originally Posted by pinkmyst
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I lost my father when I was 14, and I went through the same thing (I am 18 now, and today is actually his birthday so its odd that I came into a discussion forum like this)
I refused to see friends and I didn't want to stay at home because of my stepdad and stepsisters, and to be honest, the thing that kept me going was the fact that I had such a close relationshp with my mom. SHe told me if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have any thing to live for, and that is what kept me from hurting MYSELF (i.e anything physical or suicide in general) I also got involved in theater. Odd, I know, but it got me out of the house and since I was so depressed, it kind of allowed me to play a character other then myself. My advice is let your son know how much you love him and how much it would hurt if you lost him. He may not want to talk about the situation (I always blew my mom off if she EVER brought up my dad's death because it made me cry, and I hate crying in front of people, even her) But I think just telling him might just help =] |
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Originally Posted by pinkmyst
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I know your son is in a lot of emotional pain right now. Probably confused about life itself. I would recommend a good male therapist or someone who your son could relate to. Or, perhaps the Big Brother program someone who he can talk to and do things with. Remember, there are 7 stages of depression and it take some people longer to deal with it than others.
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Originally Posted by pinkmyst
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What a wonderful caring mother you are and how frightening this must be for you to deal with?
Whilst depression sounds like a 100% certainty, remember he is also a teenager and some of what he is doing is normal teenage behaviour. Other aspects are troubling and the poor lad needs some help and so do you to put your lives back on course. Counseling for him or both or you sounds a definite and also if he is in a deep depression you may want to consider either herbal medication (St Johns Wart - As long as he is not on any other medication and check for allergies) or something from the doctor? I know you will struggle with this because he's unwilling to let anyone in and so here's a thought. Have you got a male member of the family who your son is close too? Maybe your son might open up and that's a start. If not a male member ANY member of the family? He won't want to trouble you because you are grieving too. Has your son got a close friend? Have you spoken to him because maybe your son has spoken to him about his feelings; OR another possibility is that the friend has spoken to his own mother and you could talk to her and get an insight into what is going on? It's worth a try. You need a starting point and your son needs to know that everything is going to be OK. He's stuck in the darkness right now and until someone gives him a ladder, he's not going to get out of the hole. It sounds like he loves you and is scared of losing you too and won't talk to you because he'll have to talk about it and face his fear? Counseling will help as long as he is willing to go for it - As soon as possible. I also wonder if your son is suffering from that peak period or how it felt for myself at 6-7 months when I started to miss my parents more and my own personal pain was enormous. Until you get some information out of him you would not be able to know if this is true or not? I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this problem. You've got enough on your plate and I feel for greatly for you. I hope something I have said has helped but if not please be assured that my thoughts are with you. |
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Originally Posted by pinkmyst
Honey I am a twenty two year old woman who desperatly wants children I remember back when I was his age when my father passed away that I felt alone probbably him more then me because he thinks he has no father figure to teach him any longer I recommend that you have him keep a journal and write down his feelings considering good and bad. I imagine he feels left alone even though you're his mother your not a man and can't feel that spot. I definitely wouldn't suggest that you send him to a professional unless he is a danger to himself or others. I mean come on if you were his age how would you feel about another adult who mind you is a total stranger know everything about you?. Your Arielle |
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Another thing to consder is how his father died. Was it sudden or was it from a long illness? It makes a difference in the grieving process. A sudden death can hurt a lot more because it is so unexpected and you had no chance to prepare yourself to say goodbye. Hang out with him for a while. Talk about his father. Don't be afraid of anger or tears, they are part of grief. I think he needs counselling. If he doesn't want to go to school then see about getting correspondence courses or distance learning. Most schools will help you to set this up and help you find the resources for this. Your son might find it uncomfortable at school where people are talking about what they did with their dads or about how they "hate" their dads. Another thing he might have encountered is the ostracism that can come along with this. Some bullies will pick on the fact that his dad died. Other kids will be well-meaning kids who are being "too" supportive and won't lethim put it to the back of his mind. Then there are those who want to talk to him but they don't know what to say so they just watch him and don't say anything. Even his best friends might adopt this second posture. They are kids and they don't know what to do. I've never been the kid in school who lost a parent but I have been the kid who had cancer and lost the hair etc... believe it or not the sitautions can be similar. Just hang in there Mom and don't forget about your own grieving process.
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I lost my best friend when I was 16 and also another one recently (I am 20 now) and both times my life just went to pieces. The first time especially was hard as I was quite young. I didn't want to do anything, my whole attitude went downhill and I never really listened to anyone.
I think the problem was that no one else was really going through what I was going through, you lost a husband but he lost a father, so maybe there's some difficulty relating there. I think eventually he'll get himself together when he's ready to, but in the mean time maybe if he just spent time with people who went thorough the same thing or even go on forums and talk with people that way, it could help. |
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When my husband died our adopted daughter suffered greatly. She was almost 12 then, just turned 16 recently, and despite lots of support and love is just now dealing more appropriately with it. She went to a bereavement group, and it helped, but recently went to another one and was more open to it this time around and made more gains than she did in the first 3 years.
I think the best thing you can do (other than talking to your family doctor about it which I hope you have done or will do immediately) is to be open with your own feelings. One thing that I found with my daughter was that she was afraid to express her sadness because she didn't want to make me cry. I told her that I welcomed her tears, because it helped me to express my own feelings, and I always felt better after a cry... but crying with someone who REALLY understood helped more than ever! I personally feel that school is real tough, but an important step in healing. The trouble is that he probably is having such a difficult time concentrating. Why not talk to him about how you sometimes feel like you are losing your mind because all the things you would normally find easy to concentrate on are just sooooo difficult now and you are wondering if he feels the same way? I think the key is communication. If he holds it in, it will overwhelm him. He needs to see that talking, crying, punching a pillow, getting mad because dad is dead, feeling overwhelmed, or even missing someone so bad that you feel guilty if you smile... it's all normal!! Someone from the hospice gave me a book called "I Can't Stop Crying - It's so Hard When Someone You Love Dies" by Rev. John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris, M.D. It is a small book, easy to read and very valuable. Perhaps you could speak to the funeral home and ask them if they know of any grief seminars that might be coming up and take your son to one. I went to a marvellous one with Dr. Alan Wolfelt from the Center for Loss and Life Transition and it really helped both of us. Click on the link and visit their website, there is a wealth of information there! In fact, more specifically, here is his page with Resources For And About Grieving Children & Teens. Next time he closes himself in his room, tap on his door softly and ask, "Can I come in?". If he's laying on the bed, curl up with him, hold him tight and say, "I miss Dad too." or "Do you ever feel angry?" or something like that. If he's sitting up, sit beside or near him, look into his eyes, allow your tears to fall and say "I wish you would talk to me about your grief. It would really help me." Take him bowling, to a comedy movie, visit friends. Create some new traditions. Let him grieve the way he needs to grieve, assure him that everyone grieves differently, but let him know that you really want to be part of it. I hope these ideas help. I know how difficult it can be. Warm hugs, Didi |
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At the moment I'm currently going through a large depressive period but for different reasons. The best advice I can think of is to gather around the people that he cares about the most and have them all tell him that they love him and wona help him get back too his normal self, one of my best friends father past away a few years ago from cancer and I did my best to comfort him and tell him that so many people care for him, all of his friends did the same and over time he has been better, he's on his own two feet and doing great, that's the best advice I can think of and I hope it helps
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Originally Posted by pinkmyst
i got some help i go to a therapist now. just ask him to come talk to you whenever he needs u.. & just talk one on one |
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Originally Posted by pinkmyst
I have not been in this kind of situation before... maybe you could take him to a place that is very special to the both of you or even your belated husband and spend sometime getting to know each other, get involved with what he likes. I may not be in any help but I will pray for you and your son, I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you well and happiness! Godbless you both, shannon79. |
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I have never encountered this situation before, however something you may consider is the kind of shock that this would have been for him. I understand it was his father but I'm talking about a different shock. A realisation that not everything is going to continue and that people... important people are not going to be there with him for ever. This is difficult for any teenager to deal with, let alone your son who has had to deal with this loss. I'm not saying it will be a solution to all of your problems, but perhaps something to address with your son.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope that both of you will be happy soon... together! |
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Wow, these kind of posts really hit home for me. Choked me up reading it and all of the replies.
I lost my father when I was 11. It's so strange because when you are young the grieving process is completely different. At 16, it would be hard to give advice based on my experience at the age of 11. I will tell you this though. You son won't mourn all at once. In six months, in a year - he will still cry about it. Thats's OK though. When you grow up you learn a bit more about life, and death. As those things hit you, you grieve for the loss of you loved one all over again. As an adult, of course you may cry later on, but it's different. You know life, and death... You've had the opportunity to to think about what it means on a broader level. The grieving process is more complete for you. Your son is depressed. And rightly so. Did he Euligize his father? If not, I really think it would help him to prepare one, and speak at his father's gave site. Unfortunately, he's going to need to be helped to emotionally develop some of the things only adults are really prepared to handle (and we don't handle it so well either). It's just plain going to take longer. The best possible thing you can do is show him how to honor his father's memory. He'll feel so much better knowing that he can say kind words. Remind him that the things he's learned from his father will live on through him, and he can still make his father proud, even if they aren't together anymore. It's been 16 years since my father died. I burst into tears months later when I started to realize... one thing after another, what it mean to lose someone. To this day, I still cry on fathers day. It doesn't mean I'm not happy, or I haven't accepted the loss. Sometimes you just plain need to cry... and sometimes it's a good cry. I wish I had more inspiring words for you. Just get your son into counseling, and be there for him... even if he seems OK, it's going to hit him again and again for a little while. I would recommend you go to counseling together as well. Try to get more comfortable about the change in your family. Best wishes, Nick |
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