[leccaa]

My borfriend I 5 years younger than me, I told him I didn't want him in the beginning, but he kept chasing me till he got me, that was nearly 10 years ago.
Since then he has had extreme jealousy problems, to the point of abandoning me in Thailand, to tell me later that he was keeping an eye on me from afar! He also had a jealousy problem with my friends so got rid of them one by one.This was all blamed on alcohol as he was an aldoholic and used to stay out till 5pm every evening drunk. I would be waiting at home. We have had his friend sleeping on the floor who came in drunk with him to puke on our wall and never cleaned it (so I did). Then he asked me to come and live in france with him (he is french). I didn't speak a word of french but tried to work as an estate agent selling to english. After 6 months he said he wanted to go skiing (his big passion) and called me to say he was staying, he stayed for 3 years and partied like no one has ever partied before. I went to visit once for a holiday andon a night out he gave me some drugs he and his mates were taking. I had a very bad reaction and ran back to the flat crying, he say me go and stayed to party another 5 hours with his mates. He had yet another excuse waiting for me when he got back, his friends were laughing at me because I had a bad reaction and was upset. Then my father died, who had paid him a lot of favours as living 8 moths rent free in a flat they owned. He asked me to come back to france, I did. The day my dad died , he finally quit smoking (after I had been asking if we could try together for several years)... I came back here to mourn (I was in a bad way) I did not see him; he went out playing tennis and guitar with his mates every night. He didn't even offer to make me a cup of tea in this time. I was awake most nights crying, he Never got out of bed to see me, He did however get out of bed at 5am every week to go and play in his tennis team. We never spoke about the death andif I mention it now "it has been 3 years since my dad died" he answers "oh cool, that means its been 3 years i have been a non smoker. He says he plays tennis for me (i am not interested in sport) as if he didn't he would be in a foul mood. He has frequently borrowed money from me ( i have Never asked him for so much as a penny), we had a flood in our house recently and he put the insurance money in an account in his name, so i cannot touch it. He has a nasty temper, and looses it frequently. I am not allowed to express myself, yesterday i tried to approach him as to why we have no friends and are alone as he approves of no-one.....he went into a ra ge and threw a glass at my head....it was the first time i felt reallr frightened, i thought about calling the police.....he calls me all the names under the sun, andtells me it is ALL my fault and that he is madly in love with me? He has a problem in the sex department , which i do not blame him for, but have pleaded with him to get help. In 10 years he hasnt, but when he has a "small" pain in his knee, he went to see several specialists asap , as he did not want it to affect his tennis.
He never bought me a present for at least 6 years as his mum is a Jehovah witness and they don't believe in birthdays ( not even when he was living rent free in our flat) I thailand, he knew it was my birthday, I got nothing, he went shopping for himself, it never crossed his mind to buy me a present. When we were flooded, we had no choice but to live in his parent BIG house, they charged us rent and food, we had just lost Everything we owned.
He tells me he loves me and can sometimes be sweet (when he feels like it), he is the life and soul of the party, but doesn't bother to utter a word to me, sometimes for days, and the aprties only happen when I am out of tow. When I return, I hear stories about how he took all his mates out to restaurants and bought all the best wines. He takes me NOWHERE.
I must say the he has stopped drinking now, but the temper is still there (worse probably).. but he LOVES ME!
I have invested a lot in this raletionship and keep hoping it will work, but the glass to my head is toofar... what to do?

[Devorameira]

Your boyfriend is a controlling abusive jerk.

Leave him, immediately. Do whatever you can to get out of this relationship. Aside from being an extremely unhealthy relationship, there is no love involved, except maybe on your part.

It's definitely hard to leave but you have to love yourself enough to realize you can do better. No one deserves to be treated as he treats you, no one. And blaming it on the temper is just the easy way out. You need to get out before it gets more serious and he hurts or kills you.

It isn't love, and it is no way to live. Leave him.

[leccaa]

Thanks for answering, although I cried when I read your response, as I always have known this to be true, but now have a 'bullied wife mentality' in that I believe all this to be normal and that it is all my fault and that I CAN FIX IT!!

Am afraid to leave, to be alone. I feel uncapable now and feel unloved to the point where I will take any scrap of love that is offered, even in an abusive form... aargh, how will I get over this fear, accept the truth and leave, instead of keep making excuses so I can continue to bury mey head in the sand?
Lx

[Justwantfair]

Look into locating a battered woman's shelter in your area. Seek counseling. You have been reprogramed slowly to believe this behavior is acceptable, but it is not.

The correct answer is not always the easiest answer, but this man has too many issues and no desire to work on any of them. There isn't any hope that this situation will improve, in fact, it will only worsen in time.

[answerme_tender]

I am curious as to what advise you would give to a another woman going through the same situation you are in?

[leccaa]

... we both know what I would say to a friend in the same situation, but this is me, it is OK for me, because I don't count, and with all the excuses for his behaviour I have heard over the years, that all this is normal and not his fault.
Lx

[Justwantfair]

You do NOT deserve this behavior and until you believe that you are 'sick' and need medical assistance, i.e. counseling. I understand that mentally you can see that the behavior's are wrong, but there is something inside of you that believes that you are that 'worthless', that is what makes you unhealthy and what an abuser uses to keep you under their thumb.

You are not going to make this transition overnight, but make the steps to see your way out of the situation. Do you need help locating your nearest domestic violence facility?

[answerme_tender]

Leccaa

I was abused all my childhood, until I was finally old enough to get the hell out. I also use think I deserved this because I wasn't good enough. Lets see so many reasons on things I didn't do well enough--clean house,cook,iron pants straight,cook,good enough grades, etc. Now mind you he started beating me at the age of 4 and put me in hospital 3 times before I reached age of 16yrs. Of course at time was from small town and the cops were friends who were afraid of him, so nothing got done.
I can still remember to this day, when I decided that it wasn't my fault, that no matter what I did or how it was done, he was going to knock the crap out of me. I knew that life wasn't suppose to be like this, and I at least deserved a chance to live it like others.
I picked myself off the floor that night, went to my room packed my bags, left.(I had already just grad at mid term)
I made that choice to stop being beating like an animal and start living like a survivor. If I can do it at that young of age you can certainly try to make a choice to at least call a woman's shelter!!
We all deserve the right to live a life that doesn't involve physical or emotional abuse. The people that inflict that kind of pain are nothing more then monsters who will answer to for their actions someday. Of course anyone who stays with that kind of monster will also have to answer for why they wasted their life in shame, pitty,humiliation,pain.

[leccaa]

Dear answerme tender, I am shocked to read what you have been through, I , like you feel very onworthy, unlovable and uncapable as my brother bullied and still does and nobody ever stood up for me, and when I tried to stick up for myself, I was told it was all my fault, as he was the 'precious' boy, my parents even through me out of the house when I had been in a bad road accident (crutches and all) as my pain was upsetting my brother, Soooo it is no surprise that I keep attracting this into my life as I believe it is what I deserve.
I suffer from extreme panic attacks and the thought of being alone and having to start again scares me ****less.
But as you have said, I am of an age now, where I just have to face that fear or regret another 10 or 20 or 30 years of my life!
I do not know what happiness is, or being treated with respect, it is alien to me, I have not experienced it yet... where will I get that elusive self-respect from?
So sorry that happened to you, why does it happen to some people and not others? Is it something we ALLOW?

I also stay as I am near the end of my child bearing years and thought this was my last chance to become a mother; which I longed for, but bringing a baby into this would surely only compound the problem?
I admire you that you had the courage to do it. X

[leccaa]

There is a local centre for abused women, but I keep telling myself I am not, as he has not hit me, kicked me etc...
Surely those places are for those extreme cases no??

[answerme_tender]

Lecca,

As Im sure you can verify from your childhood, Emotional abuse is sticks around a lot longer then any beating. That's the abuse that makes us feel unworthy of love. That we cause this monster to treat us less then he would animal.
You would never want to have a child go through such emotional abuse.
I have two beautiful children, daughter all grown up and a son 18yrs. Iam very thankful To God that he allowed me to see that life is to be lived with your head up, with love of my own family and friends. To know life isn't suppose to be lived in fear of NOT KNOWING what, when, how you will set him off.
I will also say this, God did not make the choice to get out of that living hell, I did! God provided me the courage to stick with me decision! It is up to you, no one can take the step to a better life for you ---call that woman's shelter talk to them, you can at least start with a phone call.

[Justwantfair]

Emotional abuse is as extreme as physical abuse. I am sure there are even times mentally when you have thought 'I wish he would just hit me' then treat you like garbage.

Yes, as abused and without much self-esteem, we can ALLOW and seek out the only treatment we feel worthy of. In fact, until that mindset changes an abused woman can push healthy relationship away because in that minset it is not what we are worthy of.

You have years of abuse, emotional is damaging, to heal. It won't happen overnight, but a battered woman's shelter can support that healing. This is something in yourself that you will to correct. I hope you choose to contact someone.

[leccaa]

So I give up my last chance for children, that just devastates me ! Worse is that I feel it is my fault for staying in what I always knew was not a good relationship! If I had left much earlier, I may have had a chance to have a family.

[answerme_tender]

Oh for the love, get off the petty pot. You have a choice, but your so darn busy holding yourself down, that you won't even pick up a phone and talk to a woman's shelter see how and what they can do for YOU! Listen if a person is drowning, throwing their arms up,screaming for help then I will try to help. However they still have to choose to grab that helping hand to survive. If they choose not to, well then I guess they sink! I understand what your going through. But, if you continue to talk yourself into thinking that your not worthy of love and stay with this monster, then becareful you don't sink.

[leccaa]

An,swer me tender, I just TRIED to speak to him about his anger problem, he said he had no choice but to throw the glass at me, that he was the best guy in the world and it is ALL my fault, and he had a very bad day because of me (poor thing)... and that if I don't go and see a pschychiatrist I will never get him back... he is MAD a nd dangerous, I have booked my ticket back home to my mum ( she begged me to leave him) for Friday, and organising to get my things shipped back... I can see him for the manipulating, narcissistic, ILL man ( I will SAVE him ni longer)... the end , no more will I be put down , bullied by this bastard, I want to spit at him when I see what he is trying to do clear as day now... I AM LEAVING HIM, it can ONLY get better, not worse... to think I fell for it for 10 years! I am angry as hell... he is 37 going on 14.. immature bastard!. NEVER NEVER do I want to have a baby with this devilman.
L

[leccaa]

He is laughing smugly to himself, he thinks it's a joke, he's got all the rest of his life to laugh ALONE, he is ignorant, and has little or NO chance of finding another Lisa... his last girlfriend tried to commit suicide while he was with her... he is not driving me to that... no way, I am my fathers child and was his diamond, I deserve happiness... what a ****!

[leccaa]

I have asked everyone at home that I will need plenty of support to get back on my feet... but first thing I will do is CELEBRATE... HOORAY!

[answerme_tender]

leccaa,

Good for you! Your family will support you, and I am sure that your father's soul is celebrating that you are finally standing up to this monster. Remember to stick with you decision, but I would still contact a woman's shelter, they can help you with your decision, so you don't fall back into the same routine. They can help with counceling how to heal, how grow strong as a woman, most importantly how to avoid getting into this type of relationship again.
Keep us posted on your progress, I am going to hope that you post by tomorrow that you have contact the woman's shelter!

[leccaa]

Thanks so much, I will be going for counseling so it doesn't happen again, and to try and get faith in ME.. it won't be easy once the anger has calmed down,but this life is soul destroying... I wish I could video him being so horrible to remind myself

[leccaa]

I feel really FRIGHTENED at the prospect of such a radical life change!! ; (