[needhelpinVA]

I am 45 years old... I have been dating a man for 8 months... we are in love and plan to get married... my problem is that I am extremely suspicious and feel like he is not honest with me... I saw a Facebook message he sent to a woman he has been friends with since elementary school telling her that he loves her... always has and always will and that she is the most beautiful woman in the world... I can't let it go... he doesn't know that I know and now I feel like he is doing all sorts of things without my knowing... I might add that my father cheated on my mother after 32 years of marriage with my mothers best friend... I was 11 years old at the time... I don't like being/feeling this way... how can I control this issue of mine?

[KoolAide187]

Well there is no way to control the issue. It isn't in your hands... the only thing you have in your control is your ability to sit down and talk with your BF about this. If he deny's it then leave him. If he answers and is sincerely sorry for doing it. Maybe it is something you can look past but it's on you to decide if it's something you can live with knowing he might be doing things like this behind your back for the rest of your lives together. Whether it be long or short depending on his own actions. I am sure you're in love with him but you have to question his loyalty to you. If he loves you he shouldn't be messaging women from his past and hiding it.

Call him out on it because it needs to be handled. If it's something you just let go and you marry this guy it's going to fester and boil in the back of your mind until you hurt yourself or somebody else. You won't be happy until this issue is addressed. And ask him if there is anything else he wants to admit to you. If you want you can try to look at history files and past sent emails and what not just to see if there is any more you're suspecting to be true and can prove it to yourself. I don't believe in snooping for no reason but if there is probable cause such as finding a Facebook message to another women I think you have all the right in the world to snoop to defend your heart and relationship. Good Luck!

[Justwantfair]

I have a best guy friend for nearly 20 years, we do love each other and he tells me I am beautiful. We also don't date, don't see each other and have significant others that know and understand that. Loving an opposite sex, doesn't not necessarily mean that you want to sleep with them or even to be with them. He isn't with her, he is with you. Crushes from childhood carry into adulthood all the time. I don't think that makes him necessarily a cheater or that we should jump to that conclusion. That is only my opinion.

Insecurity and distrust are issues that are not often resolved on your own. First, you need to have your partner in your corner and aware that you have issues with infidelity in your past (not yours) but that it makes you insecure. He maybe able to help set your mind at ease from the beginning.

You may also wish to enlist in the assistance of an outside professional to help you handle the issues stemming from your knowledge of your father's affair and your own issues in dealing with trust.

Needing outside assistance does not make you a weak person, but you may find therapy (solo or couples) to be very beneficial in helping you handle your issues of insecurity.

[YeloDasy]

Talk to him about it. How did you see his Facebook message? DId you hack his account? I would tell him the truth if you are marrying him. It sounds like you need some extra security... and telling him how he can do that for you is a start. I would suggest thinking of what you need from him to feel that you trust him will be helpful for both you and him. Have you thought about going to pre marriage therapy? That might be helpful too.

[talaniman]

I highly suggest you don't plan marriage with a stranger you have only been dating for 8 months. That's teen age stuff, and what's the hurry?

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

... I don't like being/feeling this way... how can I control this issue of mine?

Slow this rollercoaster down to have time to pay attention, learn, and then make a decision. You are moving to fast.

Too much, too fast, crash, and burn.

[vanheart]

Ask him why he said those things. Tell him you were snooping.
If you have trust issues, then lay it out on the table.

Sooner than later. Sounds like you are both hiding.

Takes honesty & work if you are both invested in being together.

And yes, don't jump into marriage plans...

[yet]

What is wrong with this world these days??
No body takes responsibility of themselves!?
I know, I go to extreme sometimes but! Why do you call MARRIAGE A Marriage?
To chat with man that is interested talking to a woman?
Why don't a nice guy talk to an 80 year old woman same like he talks to the one whom keeps a conversation perhaps she is a good looking one?
He have no interest!! Unless he can score something! Sorry now every guy is like that...
Too big of a subject to wright on this forum "YET" that's why GOD or if you wan't to call it UNIVERS or NATURE created " mail" and " female" so they can build their life together and be like ONE. To undestand each other and grow together experience LIFE together. Oo