[Ziggurat2009]

So she's been im'ing me more and more. Its been really sketchy. She's still with the guy she started seeing right after she left me. So I know she doesn't want to get back together. So today, he finally spills it. She's been thinking about how we ended it. She says, if you think there's closure between us I have something on my mind. She admits that she feels guilty and wants to tell me something. All this after two years of me going through the hardest most difficult thing in my life. She's all blissfull and junk with her guy and she seems to think I'm doing just as well. I played it as subtle as I could.

Hi

ME: hey, how are you tonight?

I'm all right, a bit tired.
Ok, I don't really know how to put this out there but do you feel like there's closure between us?

ME: I'm not sure.

ME: what's on your mind? I do not know how to answer that question. It was a long road for me.

Well, I still feel like I owe you some answers
I didn't really give them to you at the time
But if your good, than that's cool

ME: after all this time you feel like telling me..

It comes to mind every now and then.



I thought I was doing fine. I did lots of dating and stuff. But when she said that, I got super nervous and upset. I can't believe it still affects me.

What do you all think I should do? I feel stupid that she still upsets me. I never contact her. Not since the week she dumped me two years ago. She always contacts me. She always makes the effort. And I always try to play it as neutral and cool as I can.

Should I listen to what she has to say? I am scared that I won't react well to whatever secret she has to reveal. I've come to peace with what happened as far as I knew... its been that way for a long time now. So I'm afraid that what she says will... do something or upset me.

Thoughts?

[KoolAide187]

Bro only you can answer that question. That would be tough even for me. There would be a part of me that would want to tell her to save it... but the other part of me would want to kick myself because I'll always wonder what it was. So really it's your own call. I'd say go for it and let her explain because I mean even though you have made peace with her leaving and still now she affects you. Maybe once you know then you can have that confidence to finally move on instead of holding back a small piece of you like have you been doing. GL with whatever you do and I hope everything turns out good for you.

[Ziggurat2009]

Thank you KoolAide... I knew someone was going to say that. Its up to me. I think I'll likely kick myself when I finally get around to hearing it :-/ But like you said, it'll bother me if I DON'T hear it! I'll have trouble sleeping tonight.

[Justwantfair]

I would like to refer you to my signature line that reads "Sometimes it is best to leave things broken, then to hurt myself trying to put it back together". I think this rings very true in your situation. While there is definitely probably an interest in finding out what she has to say, it is only opening an old wound for you.

She has moved on with her life, according to your post, so the only value to her seeking closure now will probably be her own satisfaction. It will probably only leave you feeling vulnerable and empty, rehashing the feelings you had following the break up.

We strongly support 'no contact' on this site, for very good reasons. While you have held true to refraining from contacting her, you are also still being responsive to her contact attempts, which can be just as difficult on your progress.

Although, I can understand your curiosity, I would refrain from breaking your heart all over again. I don't think you will find the closure you desire, especially since her contact still stirs up your emotions.

[Ziggurat2009]

Interesting points. Very valid points. :[ Ugh, this is so hard. I'm stuck. But thank you so much, I appreciate your response. I think she feels some intense guilt or something. She was hoping to make herself feel better.

[Justwantfair]

I agree, I think the only beneficiary of this 'closure' will be her.

[YeloDasy]

It sounds like you are interested in knowing. It is probably best to continue moving forward with your life and not give her the chance to hurt you again. But if you decide to listen to her, make some rules for yourself. I think it is totally normal to be upset when you hear something like that. (I dated a guy and 4 years later called me to apologize and I was still angry) But IF IF IF what she says bothers you, it will not take long to move on this time. Again, set rules for yourself or plan to go out with a friend afterwards.
ASk yourself... does she deserve the chance to explain herself? Will it change anything?

[Ziggurat2009]

Wow, I'm glad to know that I'm not odd for still feeling emotions over this. She was my first girlfriend, and I tend to make strong bonds with people. It bugs me that I've been single while she went right into a new relationship. She never felt the loss.

[YeloDasy]

No no no!! You are normal. And be glad you did not jump into something, you dated, know what you are looking for(at least working on that) and are being strong person for someone who will be in your life forever someday. I used to be in relationships, one after another, and when I stopped doing that, I learned a lot about me, and I am a better person for that... so its totally OK.

[talaniman]

Don't allow yourself to be led around by her BS! Don't you have better things to do than dredge up old crap? She dangles a carrot to you, and you trying to be cool follow it, and look where you are, wondering again what she means.

If she had something to tell you she had a chance then didn't she.

Tell her to screw with her boyfriends mind, and leave yours alone. Ignore her, let her do the wondering.

[Imabadman]

Will I often share the same approach as Tal… but damn, curiosity would get the best of me too in this situation.

First, it's been a couple years so I would have expected you to be a bit more separated than you exhibit. I'd guess you stayed in contact the whole time, you were the confiding shoulder for her huh? Explains why this contact has you all knotted up.

I think you've already made up your mind on this. You want to get back in there talking to her and see if there's something there. Feeling she wants you back eh? Unfortunately I think you're in the “friendzone” with this girl. She's moved on, she's with someone else. Sure she contacts you, that is when she needs her 'shoulder to cry one' or a bit of attention. She knows you'll always answer, an enthusiastic little puppy grinding on her leg.

So… when you go see her I'd be real cool. Just tell her straight up something like, “I realize this is about your feelings and guilt because the way things were handled. I want you to know I'm OK with everything and have moved on with my life, I've certainly have learned a lot. But if you feel it will make you feel better by explaining and apologizing again I'm willing to listen.”

At this point pull out your camera phone and snap a picture. Post it for us. Love that, “I'm busted” look.

Really don't expect much out of this. I sense she's looking to solidify your 'puppy in waiting' status and get an ego boost. However, you on the other hand will be a man of men; cool, calm, and level headed. You'll hear her out, thank her for her time, and excuse yourself.

Good luck buddy. Don't forget the picture.

[Ziggurat2009]

She contacts me every 2 or 3 months. I'm certainly not a puppy in waiting as you say. That was the most we'd spoken in over a year. She is still lingering around, I don't know why. She finds reasons to talk to me. Usually just "how are you".

[Imabadman]

You may consider just leaving her alone. It's been two years... get on with your life. If she really wanted to have a relationship with you she would have done something by now.