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    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 16, 2010, 06:17 PM
    I feel slowly tortured to death.
    I am 21 years old and I know this girl for 5 months through online, and we like each other, turned out we love each other - about a week ago - she came online and told me she got raped, the way she said was torture.. some one put a gun on her head and did stuff to her.. she cried with each words ( we talk through microphone) then she tells me she wants to die die die, then she said she won't see me again - I asked why, she said she don't know..

    Then she said she is going to smoke - ever since then she is not online, her cellphone is off, Idk what to do I am crying thinking of her each day, its been a week now.. she lives in usa and I live in canada.

    I don't know what to do every time I remember her, her vvoice comes to my head, crying with each word telling me what happened.. hope she doesn't do anything wrong..

    I called the police in usa, particularly Tucson, Arizona - I traced her hand phone number in internet, saw the address house number - Called the house number - its just ringing?? No on answers - I gave the house address to police - they went to that address and no one named by that girl I talk to live there, the police is like - not enough information - not even police ,its just a shriff - he doesn't care much..

    I don't know what to do!! Thinking about her each time - Her crying voice with each word comes to my head, telling me what happaned - she asked me to come see her - I couldn't go there like that. Now I want to - BUT SHe is not answering now! She said she is going to die die die..

    IT tortures me I feel like, I want to kill myself!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Oct 16, 2010, 06:33 PM

    Dude, you don't let an online person drive you crazy, or freak you out. This is something you let go of and move beyond. That's enough drama, and what ifs. Let it go.
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 16, 2010, 06:37 PM
    Comment on talaniman's post
    Did you hear all her words with crying when she got raped? Do you even know how rape feels like? Before i thought rape is just a simple thing - but now i felt it when she said it!
    Everywrd.. i can't leave someone behind crying and live the life.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    Oct 16, 2010, 06:45 PM

    You provide the police with all of the info, also send it to the state police internet crime division.

    1. most threats for suicide are not real , we get a couple ever day at least on here where someone is "wanting to die"
    A few get taken serious and if you have enough info, phone numbers and IP address, they can search and find the home.

    Now if they go to the house with that IP address, and there is no one there by that name, it is very possible this is some fraud that was in the works, and you did not react the way they wanted.

    So you know her IP address ?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #5

    Oct 16, 2010, 07:52 PM

    You gave the police/sheriff's department her phone number and address. An officer/deputy checked on it and apparently found out that the person you thought you were talking to doesn't live at that address. (By the way, sheriff's and police departments are equal in the USA. One is not better than another.)

    You are acting out of emotion based on what someone wanted you to believe. You wouldn't be the first person taken in by a teen playing games, someone who has emotional problems, or someone running a scam. I have heard some really bad stories that turned out to be hoaxes.

    Take a step back. Give yourself some cooling off time. Look at the full picture. Look for the red flags. Be honest with yourself about what you felt before this revelation of hers. Be honest about where the relationship was going and who was setting the pace.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #6

    Oct 16, 2010, 08:04 PM
    It is a difficult position you are in. You got to know someone over several months, and obviously they felt comfortable enough with you, to disclose the information not only on the rape, but the details. I don't know too many women who have suffered a rape who would make all of that up, and talk about it, unless they were comfortable and felt secure with the person they were sharing it with.

    That she went that far, and gave you that information, is something that I would have acted on as well. Better to be safe than sorry, and I believe you did the right thing in contacting the authorities. Similar actions have actually saved lives. You had no way of knowing that it could have turned out that the police found her unconscious and near death.

    But, the information does not add up, and it seems she has disappeared. That coud be for many reasons. Fear, shame, guilt, unresolved emotions. If what she says is true, perhaps part of her disappearance simply has to do with not wanting to be found, because she does not wish any sort of intervention.

    If she contacts you again, let her know what you did, and that you acted out of concern for her. Research a little on resources available where she lives, and see if you can't email links, phone numbers, addresses etc. Who knows. Perhaps you caring enough to do something may have prompted her to get help.

    Should she not contact you again, try to just accept that she has already survived the ordeal, and it is more likely than not that she has family and friends to help her. I think it's fair to say that she knows you are available to help as well.

    You sound like a good person to me, who did what you had to do. Unlike many who would have done nothing.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #7

    Oct 16, 2010, 08:09 PM

    I think you acted responsibly.
    The truth is online relationships are not real.
    But I do think she needed help - whether it is psychological or physical. But, you did all you could do. You cannot save her. I know it seems like you can, but I think what you got out of this was a lesson: have a real relationship in person. She wanted the space between you to protect herself and you can see why now. It's sad but she will need a lifetime of help - and that is not a job for a boyfriend - but for a psychologist.

    Sorry it has been so rough. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could.
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Oct 17, 2010, 02:45 AM
    Comment on Fr_Chuck's post
    I have her ip address, a Cell phone number that she called from (I traced it online and found the address, there was no one named by that girl living in that house.. I can be misswritten the cell phone number) so I don't know yet.. it worries me..
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Oct 17, 2010, 02:54 AM
    Comment on Cat1864's post
    You see the emotions tells me - she might do something stupid..

    My brain says - She wouldn't go die like that or she goes to her parents house or she had a problem that she had to leave me or she is taking time to heal.
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Oct 17, 2010, 02:58 AM
    Comment on Jake2008's post
    Exactly jake, I hate to leave a person behind - I believe that if I put my mind to it, anything can be changed, the way she cried - Idk.. I have her ip address, think you can help with that?
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Oct 17, 2010, 03:05 AM
    I can't sleep :( I didn't sleep for 4 days now, she cried and asked me to come see her - at the position I couldn't so I was cheering her up by talking normally.. she cried and then she said, she is going to smoke.. after that she didn't come on..

    Can you explain, why she needed the space to protect her self? I kind of didn't get that..
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #12

    Oct 17, 2010, 03:11 AM

    The best thing you can do for this girl is take her to a shelter that deals with rape,And do it Now!
    You can't help her because you can't possibly understand what she is going through ,no matter how much you try.

    Sometimes being a friend means understanding how to help someone get better,and making them do that,its not always easy but love is tough sometimes. Be strong for you and your friend,
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Oct 17, 2010, 03:21 AM
    Comment on artlady's post
    Before I thought rape is not a big deal and such..

    When I heard her voice, crying sobbing, with each word crying telling me some one put a gun on her head, smashed her face on a car...

    Felt as if I want to lye her head on my chest
    insuthan's Avatar
    insuthan Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Oct 17, 2010, 03:22 AM
    Comment on artlady's post
    I cry, when she told me what happened.. I should have been there for her.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #15

    Oct 17, 2010, 06:05 AM

    It takes a very special person to care as much as you do.

    I want you to think about the five months you have been talking to her not just her revelation and this past week. How open had she been with you about telling you where she lived or anything concrete about her life or people in her life?

    Did she tell you what city she supposedly lives in or did you have to track it down through her phone number? You said that traced her 'hand phone' number. Do you mean 'cell phone'? Was it a number she gave you or that you got from 'caller id'? Had you called it before?

    It may be difficult but you need rest and sleep. Being sleep deprived will make your judgment questionable. Do not put your life on hold while you try to figure out the puzzle. The puzzle may not have a solution and definitely not a quick one.

    Take care of yourself so that you can remain strong.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #16

    Oct 17, 2010, 08:11 AM
    In answer to your question, I wouldn't have a clue how to determine her address, nor could I help you find her. I'm not very tech saavy, just the basics.

    Even if I could, I don't think it is a good idea. There is far too much you do not know, and even more than you cannot change about this girls' life.

    What I meant by she could be protecting herself is, an online friend, or online activities are an arm's length form of communication. She can control how much she talks to you, what she says, and when. At the click of a button, if it gets too personal, or into territory she regrests talking about, or she feels vunerable wants to control or stop her information and emotions, she just shuts it off.

    That was why I said she is likely protecting herself. Regrouping, coping, and getting back to a safe place where those in her real life, are manageable, and comfortable.

    I do not doubt what you were told, and again, I think you did the right thing with the information she gave you. But she has stopped all communication, and does not wish, as you do, any resolve to what she has expressed to you. You cannot save someone who does not wish to be saved. Nor can you insist or continue to make enquiries, and try to find her. Obviously she does not wish to be found, and you are driving yourself crazy.

    Ultimately, her life is her own, and she is only too aware of her past, and allowed it to be shared with you. Personally, although I understand where she might be coming from, as a counsellor myself, it is frustrating for someone to be able to identify major life changing events such as what you have experienced with her, and yet, they are unwilling to accept help, in order to help themselves.

    And that is what you have to assume- she does not want help. And as helpful as it would be for you to know what has happened to her, you cannot change anything, if she clearly wishes no contact, or input, help, or direction, from you.

    As I said before, should she at some time contact you again, let her know what you did, and also let her know that a friendship, as well as trust works both ways. Don't allow yourself to anguish over that which you have no control over.

    Another thing to consider is, should you keep trying to find her, she may very well see that as stalking behaviour, and that in itself could open up another can of worms you don't want to deal with.

    I hope you can put this to rest, albeit with a very large question mark, and realize that whatever is going on with her, is totally out of your control.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #17

    Oct 17, 2010, 08:24 AM

    I agree 100% with what Jake2008 and Cat1864 has said.
    I might add you need to talk to someone yourself so you don't come unhinged. You sound pretty lose to the edge and that does no one any good
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #18

    Oct 17, 2010, 08:29 AM

    Since you believe you loved each other... Did she have your phone number? Had she ever called you? Do you know any friends or family of her's?

    I'm going to repeat some of Cat's questions... have you called her before on the number she gave you? Do you know her address? Have you ever exchanged cards, notes, etc. in the mail?

    You did the right thing in contacting the police and having them check on the information you had. It was what any caring person would do.

    I can't think of anyway to sensitively ask this next question, and I mean no offense, but is there anyway, when you think back on your conversations, how much information you knew about her, how you were able to contact each other, that she could have just taken you for a ride?

    Sadly, there are people who will pretend to be who they are not when they talk to others online. Even to the point of playing the part of a friend, confidant, or someone who has feelings for another person. People have been scammed out of money, even marriages, from others they have met online who professed to love them.

    I hope, in this instance, that this is the case and not that she is someone who truly is in trouble.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #19

    Oct 17, 2010, 08:57 PM

    She will not die, but she is very depressed and who knows where she went... not in your life anymore. Sure you will torture yourself but you cannot do much more.

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