[ironhide262]

OK, everyone... here it goes... I met a girl online about a year and a half ago. She is from europe and I live in Canada right now so, major LDR. We hit it off great, talked for about a year, and realized we had a connection, before we decided to meet each other( I was vacationing in europe at the time... I was originally born there and go at least once a year to visit family). We shared a similar past, relationship wise, had the same values, etc and all in all we seemed to good to be true for one another although we also agreed that it was important to keep it real.
So, we met up, it was amazing... we just hit it off initially... things seemed to flow and happen automatically, just free and easy and we quickly realized we had something here. One issue did come up , where she felt she was doing all the work in the relationship so far... it shocked me.. I don't think I let her go the whole time. But, I quickly reassured her , talked it out and did more. Things got better quickly and we were back on track. So, much so that she invited me back to her home country to stay with her for the rest of my vacation( she had to go back to work). We really hated parting... by that time I think we were quickly falling in love but still trying to keep our bearings. I had to go back to work but we agreed that I should come back after a month and a half. The time away we never stopped talking or missing each other.
I arrived back to her after a month and a half , never have I been so happy. We also decided that this time together we could explore ideas about how to be closer to each other.
We went out with her friends the night after I arrived. I was pretty tired but, decided not to disapoint her so went out and made the best of it although, I admit I wasn't my energetic self. We got back to the apartment we were staying at and I basically collapsed on the bed( was just wiped out from travelling). The next morning I was given the cold shoulder/ silent treatment. I hate when someone cuts off communication with me... I think it is abusive and doesn't help in any way. So, I did what worked with my ex... I gave it back to her. It's not like we were totally ignoring each other but, much of the intamacy was gone. After,a few days of this ridiculous attrition and some failed attempts from me trying to create some closeness so we could talk she finally decided to open up.
I was accused again at not giving enough attention, ignoring her needs. I was again thrown off track by her comments but, I decided to apologize since I have been feeling to out of wack and I explained that to her. She also accused me of coming on to one of her girl friends, which I know I never did as well as a bunch of other ridiculous acusations. She also resents me for the fact that I didn't play into her silent treatment game and called me passive for not grabbing her for sex that night. She just seemed to turn on me overnight. Through the following days she became overly critical of everything I said or did. Seemed like nothing I could do would make it better... other than sex.. it would bring her out of her shell.
Anyway, I eventually had to leave... I asked her if she still wanted to continue this, if she loved me, if she wanted me to come back- all YES answers! We could talk about things and perhaps some time apart might help give some perspective. I didn't see any of these problems as being huge obstacles to overcome.
Unfortunately, the folloeing days did not go very well. She again became distant, indecisive, hot/cold and tried to push me away. Then one day said that she didn't think things would work out between us... that we were too different.
I accepted this initially and have been trying to move on but, something is just tugging at my soul about her. Despite these initial problems she is in many ways "the one" for me. I have come to realize that I do, love her and very much want her back or at leat to a point where we can try again. She told me that, "working on a relationship is something you do after 10 yrs together not at the beginning."
But, I know that she feels at least something for me( it's been 1 1/2 months with limited contacted for us) she contacts me once a week to see how I am and hasn't yet changed her FB relationship status. It drives me nuts to see my name under her "in a relationship with" status. I know she is not the one to open up but at the same time I'm not sure if she is worth all the trouble sometimes.
I'm sort of stuck on this see-saw having trouble deciding whether to go after her or just let her go. How much trouble is someone worth? It's odd for me because I don't see these problems as anything that a normal couple couldn't overcome. I mean isn't that how a relationship grows, gets better? Thanks for you comments.

[marscee]

I feel like this if she is not 100 percent sure about beingg with you than just leave it alone . And you have too realize she's the one that's missing out . And I no a lot of people say that but it really is true

[talaniman]

Obviously the attraction has given way to reality. Be it the distance, or the true natures of you both being revealed to each other. You are holding onto what was and how great it was and not working together to build with each other.

That distance thing will get greater as it goes on though, especially if she thinks you aren't doing your part, and she doesn't have to work with you.

That's a conflict, and her arguments are bogus, as are most excuses, but you aren't paying that much attention, and will never be able to meet her needs. An open ended long distance relationship is hard to maintain my friend, and creates more problems than it solves, unless the partners have a plan to be together, and work together.

[dhuber]

It take two people to actively work on a relationship especially on a long distance one. It seems like you are working on it by yourself. If she decides that you are too different, then that's the decisions. Don't try to create a person that doesn't exist. Sometimes people want to be in love more than they want to be in a relationship with a particular person. If it's this much work already, there is a chance that it won't work. And the time you spend trying to be a love could be spent finding someone compatible. It sounds like she is not ready for a relationship and she is sending mixed signals. Only you can decide how long you want to be on this roller coaster and whether it is not worth it. You may want to cut your losses

[ironhide262]

Thanks for the adice guys! It's so easy to fall into the trap of hanging on. Marscee , you are right.. she has to be 100% commited( as she was before)to making this relationship work... this is the most simple straight forward concept requiring a simple yes or no answer.
On another note... despite 2 people wanting to work on things sometimes it can be such a hard struggle defining what the underlying problem(s) is/are. Perhaps this is what I am too focused on instead of simply realizing that hey, she is just not that into me anymore. But, hard when you are in the realm of confusing signals( which I know is a definite sign in itself). I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. So,I'll "ride that rollercoaster" for a few more days. We decided to have a discusion about everything then. I'm staying posative but expecting the worst... so,we'll see.
Funny , I keep thinking, all my past girlfriends after 6 months to a year have wanted to "give it another try". Unfortunately, by then I was over them and well on my way to the next one. Women are truly confusing creatures!

[vanheart]

Think you should chalk this one up as a good time & lesson.

I was in LD relationship for 5 years. Should have had my head examined...

Forget this one & dig on your life. This will only be an endless battle. Not worth it. Only torture.

Vacation's over. Back to reality.

[ironhide262]

Just an Update everyone...

So, after a few hours of talking she decide we are to different to continue this relationship. She decide there were problems that were unfixable. She is very much unwilling to work on things sighting the fact that people are to set in their ways at our ages( mid 30's). I of course pointed out the good times and didn't see our problems as unworkable. So be it!
On an interesting note... she seemed very upset and couldn't understand why I wanted to go NC for a while and defriend or block her on FB. She said she thought I was "higher" than that. She seemed to think that I was very bitter or angry towards her... which I am not... just need some healing time. I said that it was probably good for the both of us but, mostly for me since she has come to the conclusion that things will just not work between the two of us. Any thought's on this... am I been cruel, cold for doing this?
Let the healing begin!

[answerme_tender]

Stick to the "NO contact" rules. She is the one who decided the problems are unfixable. Don't let her try and guilt you into having any type of contact. Do you really want to read stuff about her on Facebook, like a new boyfriend!!

[vanheart]

Exactly.

[mystific]

What answerme said.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule-Room mates pay their share of the expenses.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- While they are dumping you, never say you can't be friends. Agree to whatever they want, then disappear from their life.

[vanheart]

Isn't it ironic that she dumped you, doesn't want to fix things, or be in a relationship, yet feels hurt when you plan to ignore her?

Puts it back on you. Manipulate.

I see this all the time. Happened to me.

She wants the easy way out, to keep you as a buddy. Reap the benefits. Skate guilt-free. Then phase you out as soon as she gets another boyfriend.

Guess what? She doesn't have a say any longer.

You are in control of the situation. That means NC.

After a while, you will feel empowered. Trust me.

Stick to it. You will thank yourself later.

[ironhide262]

Vanheart you have it so right! It took me back as well... this is yet another eye opener. It took her a while to actually get up the courage to talk about breaking up... she had all the classic signs at first... indecisive at first when I noticed a change in her behaviour and called her on it( but she reasured me), followed by getting trying to dumb down everything I said or did in the past and then on to slowly pushing me away by limiting contact and blaming it all on being busy... finally starting and argument and picking a fight and getting angry enough to finally say we are too different. And finally , when I am being polite and letting her know that I`m going the NC route she acts offended... say that `I had nothing to complain about in the relationship``... she can`t even own up to her mistakes. Makes me wonder if she is a passive-aggressive.Yes, I saw this all coming and was very close to just ending it a few weeks ago but, agghh... "love keeps you in there". Broke one of my long standing rules... soon as you SO ( the one that loves you so much) can`t give you a straight answer anymore... RUN!! DON`T LOOK BACK! IT`S OVER!
Bottom line is once she emotionally checked out... that was it... after that you are just going through the motions.
She is emotionally a coward, plain and simple.
Yes, doing the NC thing now... yes, it`s hard since we still had many good memories and I feel she decided to leave the relatoinship over what I consider as easily workable problems. But, I will do my best to stay firm my friends... I may have a weak moment but in the end ``f--k her!``. I deserve so much better!

Thanks for your helpful comments everyone!

[vanheart]

"Bottom line is once she emotionally checked out...that was it...after that you are just going through the motions. "

That's the usual tactic. To wean you off her. Then, drop the bomb, when she is ready.

Dude, I know all too well. Was with my ex for 5 years. I hung on to a girl that was bad news.

Then she dumped me over the phone. (now that's love & respect!) But I was still surprised & devastated. Who was the stupid one? Me...

Went back & read my journals when she dumped me. I kind of knew the whole time, but didn't change things.
Sometimes we do whatever with blinders on. Don't want to fail, you know?

Don't be on the fence. Go NC. Let the dust settle. Don't have false hope.
Your life will be better without her.

Your work with her is done.
Now on to YOUR work...

That's the only effort now worth exerting.

[ironhide262]

I have to thank you again Vanheart... this discussion has opened up so many answers to her actions during the breakup phase. I wrote in my original post that she gave me some silent treatment after a night in the club with her friends. I resented it and basically threw it back in her face.. we did not totally ignore each other the following days, just some intimacy went out the door then. So, after some days passed she finally started talking about the problem... 1. where she felt I was ignoring her most of the night and 2. she accused me of pinching her girl friends ***. Now #1 I owned up to since I was meeting all kinds of people all night and I guess I got carried away( you know , everyone wants to meet the Canuck) but #2 blindsided me and I initially had to think long and hard about that night but, then quickly denied it... it's just not something I would do( I know myself)... I though that there simply was some sort of missunderstanding but she told me that she, her friend and another friend seen it!? And I get this accusation days later in the middle of this big talk about a zillion other things wrong throughout the relationship( most of just bullsh*^t). So, quite impossible to prove otherwise with time passed and people I do not know and probably will never see again.
This was nothing but a calculated tactic to shift the blame on me and make me feel like ****... to accept blame for the failure of the relationship... nevermind the fact that she couldn't talk about what her problems/feelings were. I mean I admitted to my mistakes( the one I felt were legitimate) while she never really even met me halfway.
She was the last person I expected to do this to me. I have gone out with many women... they all try to manipulate to some point but, never had to experience one who went to this many lengths for justification or avoiding her part in the failure of the relationship. I was so wrapped up in trying to mend things between us I totally missed this.
As stupid as I feel right now... I also think that in the long run I dodged a huge bullet and ironically , have some justification for breaking up!
I think NC may not be a huge struggle after all.
Has anyone had similar experiences? Is there any women out there that can attest to this behaviour? I mean, in the end I think I would have been happy with "there's no chemstry" or just "I don't love you anymore".

[vanheart]

Don't pin this all on one night.

If you guys were happy, honest, communicating and invested, then this stupid incident may have never occurred.

Pinching her friends, well, that's uncool. But, the past is the past. Maybe she wanted you to screw up.

Gave her that last reason to unload everything that was wrong.

Who knows what goes on in peoples head sometimes. Especially when its easier to fight, then be good & loving.

You can run all of this & more in your mind, and do that impartially & with facts. It will help you grow.

Will help you understand how to be & what kind of person you deserve & vis-versa.

Don't stress. It takes time to recover.

But get your act together before you jump into something else seriously. No sense repeating things.

Like you said " I have gone out with many women...they all try to manipulate to some point but, never had to experience one who went to this many lengths for justification or avoiding her part in the failure of the relationship. I was so wrapped up in trying to mend things between us I totally missed this."

You have to be solid & together to attract the same. Take responsibility for your actions too.
If you are true, loving & aware, then you have nothing to worry about.

[KyleS28]

I experienced the same thing. About two weeks before breaking up girlfriend would argue over everything and intentionally try and hurt me. Then when that didn't work, she became unavailable and would need to check her schedule whether we could hang out. Then she told me she couldn't repay $200 she borrowed from me. I told her I didn't need the money back and she was pissed. She yelled, "your not even mad at me because i can't pay you back!" then preceded to dump me.

[vanheart]

Ha! Good story. Bet you're glad she's history.

[ironhide262]

Yes, well I have taken responsibility for my actions however, she was not doing the same. But, my point was that I didn't pinch her friends ***.. it never happened. Yes, I did make some mistakes... I also failed to communicate effectivley. Thing is we both were honest, invested and communicating before things went downhill( actually I still tried to keep communicating to the bitter end)
No, I am not trying to pin it all on one night, although it was the start of things... the following days showed both of us not communicating very well. I admit that throwing the silent treatment back at her may have not been the best thing to do. But, we did eventually start talking about what happened. However, throughout this process I slowly started to realize I was getting blamed for absolutely everything that went wrong. I don't mind bowing out of a relationship gracefully if I royally messed up or if the connection was just not there.
What she did was just took a step back and expected me to fix everything. While I was appologizing, feeling guilty, talking about how to make things better she wasn't even though she told me she wanted to work on things. Every time I wanted to talk about how some of her actions made me feel bad... it got turned around back on me.
I will take the bitter lessons learned from this experience and make myself a better person. I hope she will too, but, I doubt it... she got off relatively scott free.

[ironhide262]

Just a quick update everyone...
It's been my first week on NC and I guess compared to many of the other stories posted things have gone relatively OK. I haven't slipped up and my ex has not tried to contact me in any way either( hopefully it stays that way). The nights have been the worst( getting up at 2 am automatically rehashing everything) as well as other idle times of the day. Lately I have been caught in the would have, should have, could of's and then swinging to blaming her then just feeling sad at perhaps just losing a good friend( still miss her like crazy) and finally some small moments of complete indifference. So, on and on goes the rollercoaster. But, bit by bit as my love for her begins to fade I am starting to look things a little more objectively. Yesterday, I asked myself the question of what would I do if she all of a sudden wanted to try again and work things out. I was a little surprised to come to the conclusion that I would say No or better yet that I would not even answer her at all.