[_Laura_]

I met my fiancé almost 6 years ago and we moved in together after a year. We then had our daughter a year after that and moved in with my parents to save money. We've been living with them ever since and have now had a son born 6 months ago. We've had a great relationship and very rarely fought and just got on very well.

Two weeks after our son was born this year, my fiancé had a seizure for the first time. It was very frightening for myself and my daughter who witnessed it and had to revive him after he stopped breathing. He went to hospital and was discharged later that night. 4 months later, he told me out of the blue that he wasn't happy anymore and didn't feel like he was 'in love' with me.

It really hurt to hear him say that. I also told him that I had been unhappy because I felt he had distanced himself from us since the seizure. He said that he wanted to move to his mums house for a month or so to just have some time to think about tihngs and find out how he feels.

I asked him to consider counselling after he had been gone for a month and he agreed. After another month we booked in for the counselling session. In that time he said that we were over and he felt that we were just best friends, rather then lovers.

We hadn't been intimate since the birth (not without trying!) because I was in pain from giving birth and healing from stitches.

We went to one counselling session and the counsellor said he could relate to my fiancé because he had had similar feelings to his wife years ago. At the end of the session, he just said that he didn't think he could help us. My fiancé said that he hated feeling like this and wishes he could feel 'in love' with me again. If he could change anything in the world, it would be to get that feeling back. But then he said he was happy alone for now and didn't want to be in the relationship.

I just can't give up on us without even trying. We have had such a loving and great relationship and to just end things so suddenly seems so absurd.

I guess what I'd like to know is, is it normal to fall out of love with your partner at some stage in your relationship? Does our relationship sound like it could be salvagable?

I just don't know whether to ask him for more counselling or how to talk to him about giving us another go. Advice?

[Justwantfair]

Your son was two weeks old at the time of the seizure, your husband didn't leave or tell you about his feelings until four months following that. You stated you were still unable to be intimate in all that time, that 18 weeks following childbirth. If sex was still painful following 18 weeks, I would check with my OB/GYN to determine why.

Intimacy can be achieved in many ways and without intimacy you really only have a friendship with this man. Regain the intimacy and you stand a chance of salvaging your relationship.
If sex is still uncomfortable, you need to find ways to be intimate without sex. While there are times when sex can not fit into your schedule (raising a newborn/toddler being one of them), you need to maintain your sexual/intimate relationship with your partner. I think that will be the greatest starting part for putting your relationship back together, but he will not be the one to tell you that.

[Jake2008]

I am flabbergasted at the conduct of the so-called professional counsellor's behaviour. That is not the way it should have gone.

I would also speak to your fiance's Doctor, if you can. Tell him about the problems, after the seizure, and if the seizure itself could have caused, or contributed to how he is behaving now. It could be the medication as well, and it may well be 'normal' behaviour after a seizure, for behaviour to temporarily change. It is not uncommon for epileptic seizures to cause temporary changes in memory and mood. Does he have a diagnosis, or has his Doctor recommended more treatment?

I wouldn't do anything until you have more medical information, because all of this has happened because of, and after, the seizure itself.

There may be more to this than he is telling you. While the relationship is going through a rough time right now, and it is good that you tried counselling, try to line up more information to rule out this change in him being caused by, the seizure.

[Devorameira]

Got to spread the rep!

Jake2008 hit the nail on the head. The counselor was totally unprofessional and certainly shouldn't be trying to counsel anyone with his taking sides attitude. Counselors are supposed to be there to help you get everything out in the open and restore communications, not to agree with either one of you.

Yes, your boyfriend really needs to see his doctor. Anything that disrupts the brain can cause abnormal behavior. My son had a minor brain trama, but it resulted in a complete personality change.

As for you, you need to see a doctor as well to try and find out why you're experiencing so much pain. Might be as simple as taking a pill or using a vaginal suppository.

[_Laura_]

Thanks for your responses.

I understand that intimacy can be achieved in other ways like kissing and cuddling but our son would sleep in bed with us since I am breastfeeding him and we found it hard to find time to be intimate other then having sex. I did ask my midwife about me being in pain but because we only tried to have sex on two occasions before he left, she said that its normal to feel tenderness and be uncomfortable sometimes up to 6 months following birth with tearing involved.

After the seizure he just changed so dramatically and withdrew himself from us as a family. He would go to work, come home and go straight upstairs to bed and watch some TV before falling asleep. I did ask my midwife about me being in pain but because we only tried to have sex on two occasions before he left, she said that its normal to feel tenderness and be uncomfortable sometimes up to 6 months following birth with tearing involved.

He is not on any medication yet and hasn't received a diagnosis because he kept cancelling his appointments. He was scared in case they found something really wrong with him. I told him that he isn't allowed to take the kids with him in the car since he hasn't been cleared to drive so he has made an appointment which is in two weeks.

I have found another counsellor that we could go to but I just don't know how to broach the subject to him. I desperately want to give him the space that he needs but I am finding it really hard to cope especially with looking after the kids and having next to no sleep every night and barely eating. I feel like I need the counselling sessions so that I can better understand what is going on. But I am scared to ask him in case it pushes him further away.