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confuse_lady · Oct 12, 2010, 12:17 AM

I got married two years ago and have a baby of one year. In starting my husband was very loving and caring. Whenever he came late from the office, he used to bring flowers for me. I always tried to understand his work pressure. At times he came midnight. But after the birth of our child, he seems distant from me. Monday to Friday he is busy in office and even when he came back from office he didn't talk to me He either get busy with laptop saying he is doing work or go to bed to sleep. On Saturday and Sunday, we go to his parents house and stay their. He doesn't have any spare time for me. He never look after his baby or help me if I need him. Apart from this, he never allow me to visit my parents alone. He himself took me their once in two months or so. And if I insist on going there alone, he start fighting with me. Once I went there alone with his permission. But he kept me busy with his phone calls and fought with me over the phone. I hardly got any time to talk to my parents. This continued for months. Then I tried talking to him about the issue. He said that he didn't like me and he has nothing to talk to me, what to do. And what all he was doing in earlier days was just the charm of new marriage. And when he saw me taking his words seriously he said he was joking and nothing was like that. But no change in his behaviour. His parents are not also good to me. Whenever we go there, nobody talks to me. Every weekend, I am alone, nobody to talk, doing their household work. His parents keep on playing with our baby or talking with my husband, and the moment I enter the room, everybody become silent. I did nothing wrong to anyone of them. I am just trying my best to win their hearts. But sometimes I feel, they only need a maid, that's it. My husband and I have no relation since I got pregnant. Not even, the cuddling or sweet talks. Nothing at all. I am not able to understand his behaviour at all and need help to make my marriage successful. Please advice.

Cat1864 · Oct 12, 2010, 05:42 AM

May I ask what country you live in and if this was an arranged marriage? It is to get an idea of the options that are available to you.

My first impression, would be to tell you to take your child and return to your family. However, I realize that may not be a viable option for you.

Do you have any form of counseling available whether it is through secular or religious means? Is there anyone who you can ask to to talk to your husband on your behalf?

Justwantfair · Oct 12, 2010, 05:58 AM

It will take both of you working on the relationship, to make the relationship successful. At this time, it sounds as though he isn't committed to working out the issues, as they are not issues that are bothering him and your feelings don't seem valued.

Cutting off your relationship with your family is a very controlling behavior and concerns me greatly.

confuse_lady · Oct 12, 2010, 11:40 AM

I am from India and it was an arranged marriage. I don't have any sort of counselling available yet. I can't involve any third person between me and my husband, if I do he's going to be really mad on me. I want to sort it out first by myself, if it can be handled by my own. I am here for your guidance.

answerme_tender · Oct 12, 2010, 11:49 AM

Have you tried to talk to your family about the situation? What does YOUR father feel about your husbands treatment? Your mother probably had an arranged marriage, how did she cope.

Cat1864 · Oct 12, 2010, 01:31 PM

Would he be willing to sit down and discuss the marriage with you?

What would he say or do if you put your foot down and made demands of your own?

Would he be more willing to pay attention to your needs if you wrote them down and allowed him to read them?

If he is unwilling to listen to you or discuss the marriage, then I see no other way than bringing in a third party such as a counselor or family member.

melanie34 · Oct 17, 2010, 03:24 AM

You need to talk seriously to your husband about how he is making you feel and you need to tell your parents - maybe via phone call if you're not able to go there in person. In western society this is a form of abuse what he is doing, but in India I believe that the man is more in control as a rule... Talk on here, it helps and talk to your family. Good luck!

talaniman · Oct 17, 2010, 12:21 PM

You are suffering the downside of an arranged marriage, and its between you, and your husband how this marriage will be defined, behind closed doors. Stop passively going along with what he wants, and you will find, I think that his behavior makes you miserable and you should show it in all you say and do within your own home. I know the public face demands that he be respected and seem in control, and that's fine and good. But you do not have to visit his family, and continue this charade, if you are not allowed to see your own family.

In short, its your own actions behind closed doors with him personally, that will change how he treats you as queen of the house, and his life. If he doesn't like it, then he will do something about it, but if you allow such treatment and behavior, then you will surely get it.

If I am not mistaken Hindi society allows for husband and wife to settle their issues privately, so do so. If you are not happy, tell him so, and make him deal with it.

jonina · Nov 6, 2010, 05:05 AM

If your husband and you doesn't have any emotional and physical relationship, why being together. Tell me a good reason to be together, is it for your child. If this sacrifice is for your child, I am sure your child will not gain anything from this family, he/ she will repeat the same way in future or your child will live in lack of confidence. For your child take a good decision , not to live with a guy

Cat1864 · Nov 6, 2010, 06:02 AM

jonina, I just want to be certain you understand that she is in an arranged marriage. Her choices are limited by the society and culture she lives in. It isn't just 'staying for the children' or 'to have a companion'.

Jake2008 · Nov 6, 2010, 06:23 AM

I find this tragic.

You are between a rock and a hard place. If you assert yourself, there are virtually no consequences to him, and this would likely make life even more miserable for you with his family. His family who sounds like they shun you for some reason.

Perhaps he is telling his mother he is unhappy with you, for whatever reason, to justify his behaviour. For all you know, with them not talking to you, they not only hold you accountable for him being unhappy, but it lets him off the hook for not taking care of his own business.

To me, it sounds like you have him, and his family, all quite involved, in judging you for some reason, instead of him, otherwise they would at least be talking to you.

In your culture, do you have options? What happens if you seek counselling, on your own, without him. Do you have the option of seeking counsel from a spiritual advisor, or maybe intervention on your behalf, by your parents?

If what you are saying, is that you have no options, and it isn't likley to change anytime soon, choosing to stay will continue to be a hardship for you. That is one reason why counselling may help. Someone with a better understanding of your culture, and that can help you more directly with guidance.

jonina · Nov 8, 2010, 08:30 PM

Who is the person who can influence your husband the most. If it is his parents, you talk to them or to his sis or bro. and pour out your agony, if still no effect. Talk to your husband directly. If you cannot be assertive enough to talk to your husband, how can you think about changing him

Jake2008 · Nov 8, 2010, 08:44 PM

Jonina, you've made a good point there. If she can't be assertive enough to talk to her husband, how an she think of changing him.

I wish I knew though, what is appropriate, and what is not appropriate for her to do, under the circumstances, in order not to make things even worse for her, than they are now.