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Ithappenstoall · Oct 9, 2010, 01:16 AM

Hi guys,

I have been having a hard time letting go of my past, I am currently working in a area where social interactions are non existent. And I keep reverting back to my ex ( who is in another country) for all.
I do love her and am trying to get this starting again... and it has been a up and down battle

We broke up because of our environments i.e. family religion, but still wanted to make it work

joypulv · Oct 9, 2010, 04:17 AM

Your title is 'having a hard time letting go' but you end with 'I do love her and am trying to get this started again.'
You don't say how she felt and feels now, or who left, and can you go back, or do you want her to go to you...
If she feels as you do, all the 2 of you can do is list all the pros and cons of being together versus being estranged from family and religion. (Not disregarding emotion, but I would draw a line down the middle of the paper and make that list.) Sometimes love wins, sometimes the other forces win, and sometimes the families come to accept both people, and the whole world wins.

Jake2008 · Oct 9, 2010, 07:36 AM

Why do you think that it will work this time, when it didn't the last time. What is different about your circumstances, level and type of communication, ability to realize and understand with each other what went wrong the first time around. How do you propose to go with a new relationship, with the same person, into territory that broke you up the last time, only this time be confident that it will work. Why would another investiment of time, effort, and commitment, now, change the results you have already had.

How will you do that.

Wanting something, and being able to make something work with a mutual goal together, are two different things. From what you have said so far, I cannot see how reliving history, will conclude any differently.

How much does your isolation socially play into all of this. Your environment will (hopefully) change, and you can start to get on with your life, friends, socializing, interests, etc. Don't let lonliness fuel this desire for something familiar, comfortable, and possible, simply because of your circumstances at this time.

Would you be contemplating the same thing, if you were not where you were?

talaniman · Oct 9, 2010, 07:47 AM

For the whole background story,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-460234.html

Hello again guy, sorry your not happy with where you are, but going back to an old comfort zone isn't your solution. Rehashing old issues and wounds is not going to change anything.

Overcoming obstacles that are before you where you are is the challenge, and if they are to great, then moving is your option.

Ithappenstoall · Oct 11, 2010, 08:52 AM

I guess you are right... it is rough here, I am getting tired and I am just doing this for the wrong reasons

Ithappenstoall · Oct 11, 2010, 11:10 PM

It is just a poison, and she gets into my head. She send me a message last night I will not see anyone and I am not doing this because I am seeing anyone, I think at the end of it all you will always chose your parents over me and I cannot go on for years while fearing this. I have to stop this because of the pain that is causing.
Mind you that this follows what she told me and her friend last week, that I am so happy we are talking again and I love him etc...

Enigma1999 · Oct 11, 2010, 11:31 PM

Originally Posted by Ithappenstoall

It is just a poison, and she gets into my head. She send me a message last night I will not see anyone and i am not doing this because I am seeing anyone, I think at the end of it all you will always chose your parents over me and I cannot go on for years while fearing this. I have to stop this because of the pain that is causing.
Mind you that this follows what she told me and her friend last week, that i am so happy we are talking again and i love him etc....

I think you should let this one go. I feel as if there are ultimatums and inconsistancies on her part, as well as game playing.

You seem like a good guy. I read your other posts, so it helped me understand a little bit about you.

Try to move forward. Think positive. This too shall pass.

Good luck.

Ithappenstoall · Oct 12, 2010, 12:06 AM

Enigma1999, I appreciate the time you took to go through my posts. It is probably the best thing to do... I keep thinking how can I let someone (that I love so much, who I find very attractive, smart, a person who gets so much attention) go, I guess it comes back to myself esteem wich is low right now

Enigma1999 · Oct 12, 2010, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by Ithappenstoall

Enigma1999, I appreciate the time you took to go thru my posts. It is probably the best thing to do..... I keep thinking how can i let someone (that I love so much, who I find very attractive, smart, a person who gets so much attention) go, I guess it comes back to my self esteem wich is low right now

There is no doubt in my mind that you care very much for her. I also think that you are selling yourself short. Trust me when I say that there are plenty of women who possess the same attributes, (if not better) then her. Please do not take that as an insult towards her.

When I got divorced after a 9 year long relationship, I too thought, "how will I get over him?" I thought that I would never find anybody as attractive as him, who would make me laugh the way he did, who would look at me the same way, as if I were the most beautiful person in the world, who would kiss me like he did, and so on and so forth.

I did, however, move on from him, and found that I am much happier.

The same will happen for you. It will take time. I know that, you know that. I would be lying if I said anything different.

Cut your ties with her.

Good luck.

beachloverjohn · Oct 12, 2010, 10:01 AM

Look at it this way. Yes you put her on a pedestal. She is probably the best looking, smartest, most popular, woman that has ever been serious with you. So you should feel great about yourself, not bad. You were good enough to get her weren't you? And there will be another one day. It's just going to take time.

Ithappenstoall · Oct 12, 2010, 10:29 PM

To be honest, I know you are right beachloverjohn. I know that it my mind that is making me put her on a throne, as if she was the only one that could make me feel happy or made me feel so special, or as if she was the only one with these qualities. It is absolutely ridiculous the way that I am thinking, because I have everything that I need to find some else, good job, good family, good health, looks, some money ;)...

Ithappenstoall · Oct 13, 2010, 01:33 AM

I've been talking a lot lately and trying to relax and calm down. How do I get my mind to stop thinking about all this. Yesterday she called me and like a moron I picked up. We started talking and she was like I want to be with you and let all the pain that happened before go, I just can't stand what your parents and friends did to me (mind you the only thing they did was tell me what the hell are you doing with her when she went all crazy and cursed me out... ) So anyway then she was like I gave my number to someone and we went went out sat nigh, and he kissed me but I stopped it, I didn't feel comfortable, she then went on to say that Sunday I went for brunch with him and another couple and we went for a walk... holding hands. I was shocked... I told her I understand you are weak vulnerable and all but how can you explain what happened on Sunday. Since then I am driving myself crazy thinking about this. She then said after I was suppose to see him yesterday but I didn't and I won't anymore...
She is absolutely unstable what the hell is this...

Enigma1999 · Oct 13, 2010, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by Ithappenstoall

ive been talking a lot lately and trying to relax and calm down. How do i get my mind to stop thinking about all this. Yesterday she called me and like a moron i picked up. We started talking and she was like i want to be with you and let all the pain that happened before go, i just can't stand what your parents and friends did to me (mind you the only thing they did was tell me what the hell are you doing with her when she went all crazy and cursed me out .....) So anyway then she was like i gave my number to someone and we went went out sat nigh, and he kissed me but i stopped it, i didnt feel comfortable, she then went on to say that Sunday i went for brunch with him and another couple and we went for a walk.... holding hands. I was shocked.... I told her i understand you are weak vulnerable and all but how can you explain what happened on Sunday. Since then i am driving myself crazy thinking about this. She then said after i was suppose to see him yesterday but i didn't and i wont anymore.....
She is absolutely unstable what the hell is this ......

She is very upset with how things turned out between you and she, so she is taking it out on you. Using this as ammunition to hurt you, and you know what? It's working.

First of all, let me just tell you, that I can sympathize with her as far as your parents are concerned... That is annoying to me, when not only a parent puts their two sense in, but then you tell her what they said..

How did she find out what your parents said? Was it you that told her?

I'm a firm believer that if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it at all.

As I said, she is using other men to hurt you. Is that childish? Yes. Is it her only resourse.

In order to stop yourself from any more of it... don't answer when she calls you.

The fact is, is that, she will end up dating other men. She will end up in a relationship with another man, and even give herself to another man.

You just have to know that. However, YOU can't let that stop you from living your life and moving on.

It will take time. I've been there before. I know how it is to hurt and to really want to hurt the other person. As many times as I wanted to hurt MY ex husband, and to watch him suffer, and believe me, there were plenty of opportunities to do so, I DIDN'T!

So, don't let her. Don't pick up your phone.

Ithappenstoall · Oct 13, 2010, 10:25 PM

I was trying to be honest with her and tell her the truth. But ,mind you the only thing that bothered my parents was religion because they are conservative...

andy183 · Oct 14, 2010, 03:34 AM

Ithappenstoall: She is absolutely unstable what the hell is this...

I am starting to believe you can be unstable yourself at times. Yourself esteem is like a roller coaster. We are telling you to get her out of your life and move on, and yet you are still clinging on. What amazes me is that you do give good advice to people (I ran into some of your threads), you almost always say the right thing but when it comes to you, you don't seem to apply any of what you say to others.
I agree with enigma, you brought it on to yourself, she's hurting you and it is working. She got exactly what she wants from you and more: a reaction and pain.
What happens next? Do you still think that you have a shot? The relationship is dead move on. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be... if it ain't, well tough (for her).
You have people on this forum giving you the best advice you can get. Listen to them, and APPLY what they tell you and you WILL get better. This has been going on for a while and it's only because you're dragging it along.
I cannot emphasize enough on this: LET GO! Delete her number if you haven't already, remove her of Facebook, myspace, twitter or whatever social network she's on. And if she calls, or texts or e-mails you don't reply, it will only give you false hope. Be blunt and tell her you need to get away from this and you need space!

One last thing, it seems that there is more on why this relationship ended than just religion. Don't know about it in detail to comment but one thing I can tell from your post is that you keep putting the religion issue on this relationship to make yourself believe that it is the only flaw in your relationship, but I think it's more than that. Stop saying that religion had to end this because it's not. Stop convincing yourself that you can bring this back.
Move on and let destiny do its thing.

Ithappenstoall · Oct 14, 2010, 03:45 AM

YOu are right when you say that its hard for me to do and accept the great advice you guys give me. I guess I really have to force myself... OK guys I am doing my best

andy183 · Oct 15, 2010, 08:26 AM

Don't take it badly but I don't think you are doing your best at all. Please explain what it is that you are doing to help yourself at all. Trying your best would be deleting her off your life completely, delete her number, e-mail fb, myspace, twitter etc... So far you haven't done any of that. You decided to maintain communication with her which is the complete opposite of what you should be doing and what everybody on this post is telling you to do. You talk smart but you don't act smart.