[conundrum7]

Wow I find it crazy that there are no real answers addressing this issue. I am like all of these women. 3 months pregnant. Was suppose to get married the week of delivery, so the wedding is set back now. My boyfriend hasn't worked in six months and has all these reasons I should be working and why he shouldn't. I was laid off as well three months ago. But I have a job lined up for when a friends new business starts up. He pretends like he's going to start a new business because he's been doing side work, but he's not dedicated enough to materialize anything real from it. I have been so nautious for weeks 24 hours a day. I am so tired all the time! And now I can't sleep at night except for a few hours. I want to cry all the time. And I am waiting for the next bit of attention or touch from him. All he wants is to get laid. And I am not feeling sexy enough for any type of sex. I always thought I was the type of woman to please my man no matter what. But not the way I'm feeling. I feel like no one is going through this but me and no one is here to support me. My mother is good but her worry over our relationship shadows any support. I show him all these books that validate I'm pregnant and going through ****. But he can't be bothered to read them. I know it is too much to expect a man to turn into a woman for the next 8 months. He will never be able to get a job, clean the house, cook dinner, rub my back, and read the books to prepare. Women are so much more capable than men. Maybe I could be a lesbian. All he does is mope around talking about how unhappy he is. I talked to him about how I believe he needs to work and that he's taking out his aggression on me. I haven't demasculated him, he has! We use to be so happy. Can a man change? Why do they resent having to?

[beachloverjohn]

You just picked the wrong guy. I mean talk about selfish. I think you are asking the wrong question.

What you should be asking is why do some women pick guys that don't treat them right, take advantage of them, use them for sex, and never listen to them. The answer is because they think they can change them. Not going to happen. So you allow him to treat you like dirt, and guess what, he treats you like dirt. Don't condemn all the dogs just because a few have fleas.

You said it might be too much for him to turn into a woman for the next 8 months. Even being a human might be a stretch,

You said you both use to be happy. Unfortunately, that was probably before you met.

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. He should be a poster child... for birth control..

I think you get what I'm saying . If you are doing everything, and he is doing nothing, and he can't support you or take care of you, then you don't need him. There's nothing to gain from staying with him and everything to lose.. including yourself respect.

[talaniman]

Just like you are going through changes, so is he, and maybe you both are overwhelmed right now, and who wouldn't be? Uncertainty, stress, pain do that to us humans, and add INEXPERIENCE, you have a lot of FEAR. You both do. Trying times for sure, as you have a lot going on besides giving birth, but at least you have your mom for some support, and guidance, wonder who he has to vent and rant to and get some insights, and understanding besides just reading a book. Guys need emotional support too, you know, and that's best done with an older male figure, so does he have one?

You can always send him here.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you are going to be outside the home working, and he is not working, he should
1. be sending resumes or applying to jobs all day
OR
2. at least keep the house clean and have meals cooked.

Marriage is team work and if he is not willing to do his share, there needs to be some serious talks.

Also he should be wanting to read books about the baby and these things.

[beachloverjohn]

Personally, the only place I would send him is packing. Sure he's unhappy, he woke up one day and found out he's going to be a father. Now he has responsibilities, and he obviously doesn't want them.. So now he mopes around, poor me, poor me. Make sure this guy supports the baby no matter what.

[DoulaLC]

Mistakes were made over the last several months, but you can't go back and undo what has already been done.
Learn from what has happened to best prepare for the future.

What skills does he have? What sort of work has he done in the past? He needs to get some sort of job, anything for now, while he continues to look for something in his field, for better pay, for better hours, whatever, but for now he takes what he can get... period.

Make a list of household chores together and decide who does what each week.

Don't give him entire pregnancy books to read. If he is not the type who is interested, he simply won't do it. Highlight any parts in particular you feel he needs to know. Tear out a few magazine articles for him to see instead of giving him the whole magazine for example.

Have him go with you to doctor's visits. Or bring home a couple of pamphlets.

Sit down together, when things are calm and discuss how you best can meet each others needs at this time. Your lives are very different than what either of you expected. You have two major life changes... job loss and pregnancy to contend with, and both of these change people, at least temporarily. Acknowledge that he is having a rough time as well, job loss and knowing the financial concerns, with a baby on the way no less, can be a major source of frustration for many men. I real kick to the self-esteem.

Figure out how you can both be more sympathetic to the other. Doesn't have to be anything major. Little things that show you are still connected and still a team in this.

Be very careful you don't fall into the trap of competing for who is feeling worse off and having a harder time of it!

Understand that you will get through this, but let him know that you need him to at least try to understand what you are going through and that you will do the same for him.

Get some of your needs met from friends and family. Let some of them pamper you a bit... and treat yourself well. Yes, it would be nice if he would, but some men just aren't that sort and, right or wrong, he may be so focused on his own issues.

[melanie34]

He may change after his baby is born, but then again he may not. If you love him, you should try counselling if he will. It sounds like he is stuck in a rut. If you don't love him and / or he doesn't improve after the birth, you don't really need him do you...

[artlady]

I can not read this line on line.I want to hear you,please break it up so I can read it.
Do it this way
And again
Please ()))))
Thanks!!

[CJmindful]

I study a lot of psychology research. I can now say that through my research, experience and beliefs I think a "leopard never changes its spots". However, I think we can modify our behaviour so that we become more thoughtful, aware and integrity driven. I have been able to do this for myself but it is hard work and it I still get cravings to misbehave. Deep down... we won't change... love him or leave him