[jrsomello]

As I analyze my own life, my times of joy and my times of distress, I realize that My relationships with women are usually the pinnacle of both. When I am at my happiest, it is because of how good my relationship is going and when I'm at my most depressed, miserable point, it is because of rockiness in my relationship, a break-up, or my lack-there of. I realize that I may be a needy person whose happiness relies too much on a spouse. So as you can see I have the diagnosis, but I don't know how to change. So this is not really a relationship question, this is a life-changing question. I am 24 and feel that I take my relationships too seriously too early on. I need help on how to change or @ least how to find happiness in other things. Any suggestions? (advice, highly recommended books, etc... etc... ) Oh and if there are any psych experts out there, I wonder does it have anything to do with me being so clingy to my mother as a child and my father not being there on a daily basis? Thanks

[Askingquestion]

I'm not a psych expert, though I'm majoring in it. But most of the psychology that looks back to your childhood is kind of outdated (psychoanalytic theories, which are from Freud). However, if you wanted to take stock in what Freud would probably say, then yes, your relationship with your parents would have a lot to do with it. But honestly, he didn't base any of his theories on sound research. He based nearly his entire "theory" on his therapy sessions with a very, very small number of non-diverse clients.

Anyway, psych lesson aside, my first impulse would be to recommend flying solo for a couple months. I think the problem (don't take this the wrong way) is that you don't have a strong identity for yourself. That's usually a problem for most people that are clingy. You need to find your values, your interests, your purpose, your motivations, your dreams. Surprisingly, you can discover a lot of the above through hobbies. Pick up a sport, racquetball or tennis, or start biking, jogging, hiking, fishing, reading, writing, playing music, etc. Develop your own life, your own routines, and get comfortable with them. Learn to be confident and assured in your beliefs, and you'll find yourself depending less on others. And when you have your own routines and interests, you won't need, or want to spend *all* of your time with someone else.

But I don't think you can completely do this by yourself. I'd really recommend spending a couple months single still. After that, you need to get in a relationship, let it develop and not try to force it to go anywhere, and invite them into your life - don't invade theirs. But if you really develop your own genuine identity, it will be impossible to be clingy. Anyway, I hope that helps. And good luck.

[jakester]

jrsomello - I'm not psych expert either but interested in hearing more about your circumstances.

Have you had lots of relationships? Maybe what you have is a kind of addictive personality when it comes to dating. Whenever people first become attracted to another person, those feelings (butterflies in the stomach) are very powerful: flirting, kissing, enjoying each others company, and the other stuff (you know what I mean). I think it's fair to say that the excitement of a new relationship can be very intoxicating and kind of euphoric. To a wiser person that is infatuation but to a less savvy person it can mistakenly be called love. And that person can incorrectly apply that logic to relationships such that if he is in a relationship for a period and that euphoric feeling goes away, he concludes that he is no longer in love and moves on.

So, if that phenomenon describes you in a way, you may want to look into that. Perhaps what you could suffer from is a faulty understanding of what love is vs infatuation. Not only that but at some level, you could be using relationships as a coping mechanism for life. That's a rather complex psychology but if you want to, check out Patrick Carnes who has authored several books or Pia Mellody's "Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love."

I just want to say that you are brave and thoughtful for taking inventory of your own life and realizing that you may have issues that you need to address. Some people wait so long to address their issues and worse yet, some people never go there at all.

Again, I'm not a psych expert and am not trying to diagnose your problem, but I've lived long enough and have endured enough "stuff" in my own life to know a thing or two. I'd be interested in knowing whether you learned something of yourself after reading more.

[jrsomello]

THanks so Much you guys, these answers are really helpful and I am going to use and apply them to see if I can change. And to Answer Jakesters question, I usually don't go in and out of a lot of relationships. I keep my guard up and the girl is usually the one pushing for me to get with them as a bf/gf, but its like once I let that guard down and hook up with them, I become attached. And at my age in these times, I really want a faithful woman that I can work towards a future with, and all I've been finding so far is heartache which is why I asked this (?). But like I said, I'm going to take you guys advice, pick up hobbies and look in to that Patrick Carnes guy. Thanks again

[Fr_Chuck]

Also how about no relationship for a while, spend 6 months or more not in one and learn to be happy just being you.

[jrsomello]

WOw,(late response) but you are so right