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icarus912 · Oct 4, 2010, 12:45 PM

You guys have probably seen this question a million times, but I feel I should ask it anyway

I recently got a girlfriend, it's been about 3 weeks. The only problem is that she talks to her ex constantly. He lives about 4 states away, and there's a reasonably good chance he's never coming here again, but it still bothers me. Let me tell you a little bit about their relationship:

Long distance. They were always yelling, always fighting. She would always come to me crying after a fight. He made her feel terrible all the time. I can't recall a time when she was happy.

I don't know why she talks to him, how she could talk to him. I have a plan to give her an ultimatum "I don't think I could ever be serious with you when I know you talk to him". I've asked random friends, and they think it is a good idea, and that it isn't unreasonable in the slightest for me to feel that way. What should I do? I feel like, when they're texting each other, that they're still together, and I'm the third wheel, just like a year ago, even if we just finished making out

answerme_tender · Oct 4, 2010, 12:52 PM

How do you know that he is an Ex-boyfriend? Did she tell you that she actually broke up with him. Maybe she is messing around with you behind his back!! If she is still talking to him, I would say he has no idea that he is an EX anything. If a girl is willing to have continuously contake with any other guy but you when you're a couple then its time to move on. You shouldn't have to give ultimatum period. Let her find another shoulder to cry on.

TheThinker · Oct 4, 2010, 12:55 PM

How long ago were she and he dating, and for how long were they together? Did you two start dating right after their breakup? These are questions you should ask yourself, because even when people break up from a long-term relationship feelings still exist.

I don't think an ultimatum is ever a good idea, as it puts a lot of pressure on her and could make her want to talk to him more (wanting what she can't have), even if she temporarily stops. I think you should tell her how it makes you feel, but try to keep yourself calm and minimize pressure you put on her. The only way she'll bring real closure to that chapter of her life is if she chooses to. Forcing her would only make matters worse.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2010, 12:57 PM

Talaniman Rule- Stay away from any one that has an ex involved in their lives.

You are finding out the hard way why that's a good rule. Its only been 3 weeks and you are just getting a preview of things to come, and its obvious she is not in it for you, but to have someone to makeout with, or get over him, or whatever. If she were serious she would have left him alone long ago don't you think?

Its only been 3 weeks, is all this drama worth it? Do you need a girlfriend that bad that you compromise your dignity and self respect. Is all this worth it to have someone to make out with?

Enigma1999 · Oct 4, 2010, 12:58 PM

If I were you, I would try talking to her about it. If she doesn't want to change anything, then I would give her that ultimatum.

Sorry my answer is so short, but really this is a simple yes or no if she wants to respect you, and be with YOU, not her ex.

Good luck.

LifeChangesMan · Oct 4, 2010, 01:00 PM

Hey buddy,

I understand your point of view and where your questions and frustrations set in, but at the same time, if she's your girlfriend or not you can NOT control who she talks to, what she does, what she wears, who she hangs out with, etc. I wouldn't call it an ultimatum either, I would simply ask about it, if you must know, I mean how do you know she's texting him anyway? Your going through her phone, emails, Facebook, etc? Kind of invasive, controlling, and good signs of jealousy here, and it's only been three weeks and your already pulling your hair out? Maybe even reconsider what your doing yourself. Hope this helps buddy.

-LCM

Enigma1999 · Oct 4, 2010, 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by TheThinker

How long ago were she and he dating, and for how long were they together? Did you two start dating right after their breakup? These are questions you should ask yourself, because even when people break up from a long-term relationship feelings still exist.

I don't think an ultimatum is ever a good idea, as it puts a lot of pressure on her and could make her want to talk to him more (wanting what she can't have), even if she temporarily stops. I think you should tell her how it makes you feel, but try to keep yourself calm and minimize pressure you put on her. The only way she'll bring real closure to that chapter of her life is if she chooses to. Forcing her would only make matters worse.

I agree with you, and I'm not one for ultimatums. However, in this situation, being that they have only been together for three weeks, this nonesense has to stop. Either she wants the op or she wants the ex. Plain and simple.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2010, 01:06 PM

icarus912 : I feel like, if I can move past this one problem, all that compromising of dignity and self respect will go away. I'm willing to temporarily compromise it if the result leads me to love

Icarus912 : @LCM I know she's texting him because she does it right in front of me. I have my arm over her shoulder, or we're holding hands as we sit, she takes out her phone, replies to his message. I can see his name clearly. She doesn't hide it

I would disappear, and she can figure it out herself. I think I can find a better love than this.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that's only after the lust has worn off for you both.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule-Love yourself enough to never allow any one to treat you badly. If they do, LEAVE.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

icarus912 · Oct 4, 2010, 01:09 PM

Is it in any way unreasonable to ask that? Am I just being jealous, or overthinking things?

martinizing2 · Oct 4, 2010, 01:24 PM

She knows how you feel.
She obviously doesn't care or she would stop.

You are just a pawn while she plays him.
Keep some dignity and self respect.

Disappear

Enigma1999 · Oct 4, 2010, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by martinizing2

She knows how you feel.
She obviously doesn't care or she would stop.

You are just a pawn while she plays him.
Keep some dignity and self respect.

Disappear

I agree with you 100%. I was searching for the right thing to say to him, but you said it for me. :D

talaniman · Oct 4, 2010, 05:23 PM

icarus912 : 6 months before becoming exclusive? I forgot to mention, we're both in high school. The ex is in college

Write this one down for future reference. Obey the rest. You still need a girlfriend who won't text her ex right in front of your face. Wonder what will happen when he is home for breaks?

martinizing2 · Oct 4, 2010, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Write this one down for future reference. Obey the rest. You still need a girlfriend who won't text her ex right in front of your face. Wonder what will happen when he is home for breaks??

Heart breaks break ups those breaks?

Jake2008 · Oct 5, 2010, 02:40 AM

I think you answered your own question with a reasonalbe question to pose to her, which is, "I don't think I could ever be serious with you when I know you talk to him".

I would only change that slightly, to read, "I don't think I could ever be serious with you when I know you are still involved with him."

Your own assessment of what is going on here, is right on.

slapshot_oi · Oct 5, 2010, 05:36 AM

Originally Posted by Hank Williams

Another love before my time, made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now for things I didn't do
In anger, unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, and melt your cold, cold heart?

You're just a crutch to her until she gets back on her feet from the break-up. She's not over him, best move is to walk away.

icarus912 · Oct 7, 2010, 08:59 PM

Hey guys, OP here.

I asked her to stop. It worked. She agreed to not text him anymore, regardless of what he texts her.

Even better, she apologized to me for doing it. Thanks for the advice, but I didn't want to just drop her, which you guys seem to be advocating.

I forgot to come back and say this. It probably wasn't even necessary for me to do that, as it was 2 or 3 days ago when I asked her to stop talking to him. Things have only gotten better since. Now I just need to stick with her long enough to get some more action =D

walkingonadream · Feb 3, 2011, 10:42 PM

I would defiantly give her an ultimatum! That isn't fair to you and why would she want to even keep in contact with someone who has caused her so much distress. I think she's putting you in an unnecessary, awkward position. I would take care of the problem now or at least let her know how you feel before you get more emotionally involved.