[togo1]

I have been dating a really great guy for the past year and a half. A few months back I saw him checking the guy on guy websites. I was really surprised but I can't say I never checked out chicks. Now I think he is checking out more guys ads on the web. When we talk about it he says he is not gay. BJs are a just a turn on to him. I told him we could explore and have fun together. He didn't need to hide it. We would watch porn together. He doesn't like to make out, not a lot of hugging and sometimes it will be weeks between us getting together. I just found out he is really doing a lot more exploring on line and he even sent a couple of emails to some guys. When I talked to him he says he is just having fun and he wasn't going to do anything with these guys. He wants us to go to counseling together. He says he loves me and I am all he wants. I told him there is nothing wrong if he is bi or gay but I am not looking for additional people in our relationship. I really love him but I now wonder if I am just a cover for his secret life. He may even love me but I don't know. I can't really talk to any one about this and it is really making crazy. Please tell me what you think.

[joypulv]

Are both your lives really so isolated that you can't talk to one of your friends who knows him, or one of his? We online can't possibly figure out where his mind and feelings are at, so all we can do is ask you what you will do if it turns out that his non-snuggly and occasional sex life with you is designed to be just enough to keep you with him. Call it cover or what you will doesn't matter - sure, he may want the tradition and comfort of a woman to live with and another life elsewhere. Or he may be just realizing he's gay. Or he may be bi, or he may never come to terms with his preference. What matters is what you want as what he wants unfolds or not. What will you accept and what can you handle?

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Togo, since your boyfriend wants to attend relationship counseling with you, that would be the way to go In my opinion. If the two of you attend enough sessions together with a qualified professional, eventually you should get a definitive answer to whether he is gay, bi, or straight.

[crys27]

YES. Period. End of story. Your man is GAY! A straight man would be sick to watch this!

[Synnen]

Crys---good to know that you can tell whether someone is gay by the porn they watch.

Is that the same as being able to tell how willing a woman is to sleep around by how many kids she has? Or being able to tell if someone is gay based on their clothing?

You're wrong.

There are TWO ways to know if someone is gay.

1. They tell you
2. You catch them in bed with someone of the same sex.

That's it. Those are the ONLY two ways.

Please put your prejudice away, because your stereotype is showing.

[togo1]

Thank you for your response. What you said really makes sense. I just really need to decide what I can accept/and or handle.

[crys27]

No that is true. You watch what you like. If you didn't watch it, you didn't. Maybe he is curious, fine... first time watching. But if he is still watching, he likes it! I have NEVER met a straight man that watches man on man sex. And people have sex... a lot, most DO NOT GET CAUGHT IN THE ACT. And MANY people DO NOT TELL! My husband is VERY straight and he would prob throw up if he saw this kind of porn. Not because he is "homo-phobe" but because that is NOT what he likes.

[crys27]

I am not predjudice. AT ALL actually. I have 2 cousin whom I love dearly that are homosexual and a great "boy" "friend" that has his own boyfriend, get me? I am just saying the obvious and so did you!

[crys27]

Why do people get so mad when they read something they do not like or want to hear. Don't ask questions if you don't the answers you are getting.

[JK191]

crys27, you're not correct in your statements at all.

Why would men watch Lesbian porn? They're not women... how can they not throw up at the sight of that?

If you want to go even deeper, are men who watch porn with a rape subtheme rapists themselves?

Also, any man that would throw up while watching simple gay porn is either a homophobe or just incredibly insecure.

[Jake2008]

Togo,

He watches gay porn, he visits websites, he's contacted advertisements for gay encounters, and he's sent email to these men. Intimacy with you, has taken a back seat as you've said. You've found out that he's done a lot more 'exploring' online. His sexual needs, and sexual preference, from what you've said, surely indicates he could at least be bi. He is not on what a straight man would normally be on, which is plain old female porn. He likes men.

If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it is probably a duck.

Why do you need counselling if he doesn't think he has a problem?

You have been dating him for 18 months, which is a positive in all of this. You have been with him long enough to know that he has interest, attraction, and activity, with men, in a sexual nature. But, not long enough with him that you have three kids and a mortgage.

If he is bisexual, or if he is gay, that is who he is. This is not for you to figure out, you already know from his obvious activities, he is not straight. Whether this is something the two of you can deal with, and remain together, is up to you. If you prefer a man who is different than the one you have, or you are uncomfortable with knowing he could well be the way he is for the rest of his life, only you can decide whether the relationship will work for you.

Regardless, I think it is sad that we define ourselves, and the people we love, into categories, equally as much a we choose to ignore the obvious by not actually being able to 'prove' sexual preferece, or infidelity. Sometimes relationships just don't work out, and it has nothing to do with sexual orientation, but, it has everything to do with a lack of honesty, and a lack of trust.

I doubt that he is as happy as he could be, and I doubt you are as happy as you could be as well in a relationship. That the two of you have, perhaps, incompatible differences, does not make one or the other the bad guy, it just makes you both incompatible.

[joypulv]

I agree that couple counseling shouldn't be needed here, but maybe explore why he wants it. If he's confused about his sexual preference, he should go alone and also get help figuring out how to tell you. If he knows and just can't tell you, it would be nice for you to agree to go with him. What you could do, in a quiet moment, is ask him if he just can't bring himself to tell you, and let him know that you will handle it as best you can without anger. (Save all those trips and fees!)

[Synnen]

I am not predjudice. AT ALL actually. I have 2 cousin whom I love dearly that are homosexual and a great "boy" "friend" that has his own boyfriend, get me? I am just saying the obvious and so did you!

Why, when it's pointed out that people are acting bigoted or making stereotypical judgments, do they ALWAYS point out that they have homosexual friends/cousins/brothers/uncles/gerbils/whatever that they love dearly? You can love someone and still be prejudiced against how they behave.

WOMEN watch what they like. MEN tend to watch any number of weird things that don't make sense to me in the least. If people ONLY watched what they liked, there wouldn't be some of that funky porn out there that cannot possibly cater to more than 0.1% of the population.

And being sick about seeing two men together is extreme--so even if you're NOT prejudiced, your husband IS--and is most likely a homophobe. I know a few men who like to watch gay oral sex. They say it's because the men giving the oral sex obviously know what they're doing. And no--the men I know that like this are not gay. Not even close.

I would be way more concerned about the dating sites than about the gay porn, personally.

[crys27]

They watch the funky pron because they like it. I do have family member that are gay, and some are mixed black and white. If somebody asked if there boyfriend wore a red shirt does that mean they like the color red? My answer would be YES! And people watch that funky pron because they like it. I do not watch any pron at all. I don't care if my husband does or anyone else in this free world. Just because I don't watch it doesn't mean I am prejudice. Does it? Just because my husband is the same color as I am doesn't mean I am prejudice either. IN MY OPINION your answer is clear. I mean if he is even answering gay ads... come on hunie! And I will admit that my husband sure is prejudice about gay men, but I am sure he would be fine if he saw two women together. But he isn't the one writing is he? And I agree about being more concerned about the sites and ads. Just simply find out if he is more interested in another sex. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong, he was born this way and raised in a world where if you are a man you HAVE to be with a woman, although this is changing now, some people feel ashamed until they get the help and/or confidence in themselves they need. If you can handle it be supportive, gay men make great friends... not being prejudice, just honest!

[Enigma1999]

They watch the funky pron because they like it. I do have family member that are gay, and some are mixed black and white. If somebody asked if there boyfriend wore a red shirt does that mean they like the color red? my answer would be YES! And people watch that funky pron because they like it. I do not watch any pron at all. I don't care if my husband does or anyone else in this free world. Just because I don't watch it doesn't mean I am prejudice. does it? Just because my husband is the same color as I am doesn't mean I am prejudice either. IN MY OPINION your answer is clear. I mean if he is even answering gay ads...come on hunie! And I will admit that my husband sure is prejudice about gay men, but I am sure he would be fine if he saw two women together. But he isn't the one writing is he? And I agree about being more concerned about the sites and ads. Just simply find out if he is more interested in another sex. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong, he was born this way and raised in a world where if you are a man you HAVE to be with a woman, although this is changing now, some people feel ashamed until they get the help and/or confidence in themselves they need. If you can handle it be supportive, gay men make great friends......not being prejudice, just honest!

I watch girl on girl porn. Does that make me gay? Nah. I just like to watch it.

Also, if your husband is prejudice about gay men and not women, isn't that a double standard?

I think it would be unfair to say to the op "YES" he is gay, when you don't know for sure.

I agree with Synn, unless he is caught in bed with another man, or he tells her that he is, then she won't know for sure.

[Jake2008]

I guess the positive here is, she is in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, she's not invested years of her life and maybe a couple of kids and a mortgage before finding out that they are not compatible with each other.

Our OP mentioned the porn, only in addition to, his other gay activities, which included seeking out gay men. This is not a debate about porn- it is a question about his activities with gay men, that include gay porn, but is not exclusive to just gay porn, as the OP has stated.

So, he didn't tell her, she didn't catch him in bed with another man. But, she is concerned enough about what he has told her, and what she has learned, to consider his behaviour and actions, a problem in the relationship- for herself.

I guess if we were to apply the logic in his thread, unless your husband tells you he's cheating or you find him in bed with another woman, you can't possibly have proof either? An answer to any post (whether by the OP or not) should not include any characterization of anyone being prejudice, misinformed, misguided, or otherwise, wrong in their opinion.

And that is what the OP is struggling with. I don't think it's helpful for members to argue with other members over who's opinion is correct. No more than it is appropriate for a person posting a question to argue with the answers he/she gets because she doesn't like what she reads.

Nobody is right or wrong about an opinion, and as such, should not be subject to having their opinion discected because another disagrees with their point of view. This thread has outright said an opinion is not correct to one poster!

I think its time to close this thread unless the OP wishes to wade into the member arguments and accusations flying around, and get the help she asked for when she first posted.

[poptropica159]

I have a cousin that is 18 years old. He has had many girl-friends in the last 2 months. (over10) He has watched gay porn only once or twice and it was because he was curious. Now if he continues to look at gay porn and/or contact other men, there is a highly chance he is bi. He still has feelings for you, yes, but he is just exploring new things. Only if you can find a way to turn him on without watching dudes masturbate, then he is straight. Now you could be compatible for one each other. Depending on how "Curious he is". Does he like the whole feminine thing or is he more of a regular guy(Ex. Nasty burps, "toots", etc.) If you contact me at EMAIL REMOVEDi will be more than happy to help you get through your hard time.=)

[Synnen]

First, this thread is over a year old.

Second, we do not allow off-site contact, so your email has been removed.

Please respond to more current threads and keep the advice in the thread.

Thank you