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lostsoul7777 · Sep 22, 2010, 09:12 AM

Where to start? My ex and I had been together for almost 9 years before we broke up about 2.5 months ago. We started dating when we were 18. He broke up with me because he wanted more "freedom" ; so I didn't fight it I let him go. He was still part of my life I probably see him once a week or so. About 2 months ago I started dating again (someone I knew from High School). This new guy is way to serious for me right now and I have resently lost interest. Last night my ex and I went out to eat which is not abnormal for us to do every once in awhile just to catch up. We went back to my place just to chit chat... at some point we were standing face to face and I just gave him a big hug. That hug lead him to kiss me on the lips... he proceeded to take me to my bedroom where we had sex. I need to add that during the last 2 years of our relationship we did not have sex at all. I suppose we both lost interest (not sure what happened). Last night we had amazing sex he got dressed and then decided to have sex again. I can't tell you the last time that had happen... I felt a real connection. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved and missed him. I have never done this type of thing... he was my first everything. Question is what do you think this was about to him? Do you really think he loves me or was he just horny? What's my next step if I want to be back in this relationship?

icalltheshot · Sep 22, 2010, 09:52 AM

You need to talk to him about the reason why you both breakup. If you guys can both solve your differences then I think you got a chance otherwise move on. Read my thread, I am in a similar situation. Take thing slow and don't just avoid the problems because you'll be right back where you are right after the breakup.

answerme_tender · Sep 22, 2010, 09:55 AM

What happened to the new guy? Did you already break up with him before this?

talaniman · Sep 22, 2010, 06:46 PM

I don't think you have ever really broken up, since you have continued to see each other. So what was the break, or separation all about to begin with? What has changed besides the pent up sexual frustrations, since then?

lostsoul7777 · Sep 22, 2010, 07:07 PM

He moved out of my house and told me he needed more freedom(which I thought he had).the break was due to the inablity for us to communicate needs and wants;overtime this created a wedge between us.I dated one guy/dont think he dated/no changes I know

Kitkat22 · Sep 22, 2010, 07:21 PM

Lostsouls.. Please use the "Post Quick Answer or the Go Advanced " space to post your reply. Do not use the comments section to answer our responses.

mystific · Sep 22, 2010, 08:02 PM

Firstly.. you need to break up with your current BF. Its completely unfair to him to be strung along while you're 'unsure'.

Well, that and you cheated on him, irrespective of how you feel.

And you need to talk to your ex. Be honest and up front with him and just ask if it was just a one nighter or if there's more to it.

Two foreseeable endings, you'll work things out with your ex and all will be hunky dory, or you'll be single.

Good Luck.

lostsoul7777 · Sep 22, 2010, 08:50 PM

The guy I'm currently dating is not my boyfriend (no labels at the moment). I will try to talk to talk to my ex soon and try to find out how he feels. As far as the guy I'm dating it was not exclusive so I don't believe this needs to be discussed with him.

mystific · Sep 22, 2010, 09:02 PM

Ok so let me flip it..

If you were dating a guy, on the assumption that things were good, not exclusive, but you know its all new.. give it time, and then find out he slept with his ex... I'm sure you'd feel that it was OK seeing as your needs weren't important and you didn't need to know. And because of him, you might of passed up the opportunity to be with someone who actually cared.

No.. I completely understand why there's no need for him to know.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2010, 09:38 PM

I don't feel someone you date casually, and without commitment, needs to know all your business, but I would hesitate going back to an ex, or even engaging in sex with him, until I was a lot more clear as to what's up. That almost borders on being dishonest, and using someone else until you can get a green light to get back with an ex.

I understand the conflicts, and confusion you may be experiencing, I really do, but being honest, and straightforward, is what separates using, and abusing people, for your own purposes, leading them on, from a person who cares enough not to bring your own confusion, and conflict into the lives of others. I am a big believer in dating who you want, when you want, when your single, but now that the ex is in the picture, and until you resolve that conflict, why even bother casually dating anyone at this time. That's the choice I think you have to make.

You may be single, but you are having/have had, sex with an ex, and want to keep it alive if possible, and in my book that means you're not really single at this time. . The last thing you need now, is the distraction of another guy, who may, or may not be considering being more than a friend, so decide carefully the path you choose to follow with everyone involved, especially you.

Deal with your ex first, before you casually date another, would be my advise.

vanheart · Sep 22, 2010, 09:53 PM

Exactly. Get over your ex before you jump.

For me, he dumped you. Freedom Scmeedom.

He just wants to play. Get over him.

I say be single for a while. Its not fair to yourself or you current boyfriend.
Get over this guy first.

Why would you ever consider taking back someone that wants to be free after 9 years?

beachloverjohn · Sep 23, 2010, 05:01 AM

[QUOTE=lostsoul7777;2534333]

]About 2 months ago I started dating again (someone I knew from High School). This new guy is way to serious for me right now and I have resently lost interest.[/

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Last night my ex and I went out to eat which is not abnormal for us to do every once in awhile just to catch up.

during the last 2 years of our relationship we did not have sex at all. I suppose we both lost interest (not sure what happened).

It doesn't sound like the new guy is really a factor here, I mean you say you have no interest. So he really is, or should be out of the picture.

So lets talk about the ex boyfriend. Nine years is a long time. Some marriages don't even last that long. So less then 3 months ago, your boyfriend wants his freedom and breaks up with you. Within 2 weeks you are dating again. Nothing wrong with that, you were "single" again. But were you really? You stay in touch with your ex, even have dinner with him on a regular basis. Your relationship has been less than perfect for at least 2 years prior to this because there has been no sex as you said. So not too much has really changed. Well, I have to agree with Tal, you never really broke up at all. Ok so this last date brings you together and you make love for the first time in 2 years and you both tell each other how much in love you are. Sounds like a happy ending to me. But it's not. Because if it was you wouldn't be questioning his motives. I think you know it was pent up lust, and no more. If after 9 years, you don't know him well enough to tell the difference between love and being "horny", then this relationship is doomed. But if your happy being a part time girlfriend {and sex partner} until this guy decides between a life with you or continuing to have his "freedom" to date others
Then keep doing what your doing. If not, then end it completely, no more contact, and find yourself another.

Jake2008 · Sep 23, 2010, 05:23 AM

Don't new, possible relationships, start with each party not sleeping around, until you see whether something could develop? Would you be wasting your time with a potential boyfriend if you knew he was sleeping around, and testing the waters with an ex?

I think it is fair to say that dating someone comes with the understanding of two people only, not a friends with benefits situation.

That being said, sleeping with an ex isn't all that uncommon. Couples who have gone on to marry different people, fall into that trap too. It is familiar, it is comfortable, you know who you are hopping in the sack with. It is just raw sex, with no commitment.

If you hadn't made the decision to have sex with your ex, would you have just gone on as you had, as a friendship over lunch every now and then?

Why, because you made that 'mistake', does that suddenly open a whole can of worms, unless you want to rekindle something with him. And how can you overcome 9 years of history, that ended in the end of the relationship, based on one night of sex. Remember that you weren't intimate the last two years you were together. Is it possible that you are reading way too much into this?

I don't know what to tell you, except to take this very slowly, and realize that, while the sex was surprisingly spontaneous and wonderful, that alone is not enough to immediately jump into another 9 year relationship with him, only to find it conclude again, for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. (or lack of).

answerme_tender · Sep 23, 2010, 07:23 AM

Obviously you still have a lot of feelings for your ex. Its hard to let go and really hard when they wonder back in and make all those feelings come back to the surface. Just becareful, remember is was him who needed to have space, to have his freedom. Have those excuses disappeared? Its hard to give up someone we have invested our love in for so long, sometimes we get blinded by that love, and forget how it seemed so easy for them so walk away!! Good luck