[paul2010]

I have a girlfriend of 20 months now (she does not have any kids) both of us are in our early 30 and we get on great, until my daughter who’s only 8 comes round, I only see her twice a week and she stays over every other weekend, my daughter thinks the world of her holds her hand when we are out, gives her a kiss or a hug when she is leaving etc. and up to now thinks nothing is wrong, When my daughter come round she is glad to see me and gives me a hugs and cuddles for the first ten min as she is excited to see me. My girlfriend get so jalousie when she is around saying I put all my effort into my daughter and not her and that my daughter is always getting in between us, I'll explain, if where walking down the street holding hands my daughter likes to come between us and likes skipping and swinging her while we walk, I let this happen for around 2 min then hold my girlfriend hand back and give her a kiss to reassure her that I’m here for her too. If we just cuddle up on the settee watching TV I all ways make sure that I’m holding my girlfriend hand, kiss her or put my arm round her and that she is not left out, if we are in the kitchen and I hug or kiss my girlfriend my daughter sometimes runs up and wants one too of she calls it a group hug or a group kiss, now to me I don’t think that’s wrong and how can I tell my daughter not to do that, I make every effort to hold my girlfriend, hug her kiss her in front of my daughter and to show the same affection to my daughter too so she is not feeling left out either, but I always seem to be in the wrong?? My girlfriend says that my daughter is my only concern when she is around and that I make extra effort with my daughter and not her , this has been going on now for about a year and getting worse, my girlfriend often says when you have your daughter ill will go do something else so you too can have each other to your self’s and she will see me later, if my daughter comes round and there is a atmosphere in the house or my girlfriend just goes upstairs and starts cleaning I then take my daughter of the equation and go shopping of to the park, or something where my daughter is not stuck in the middle of it all, if anyone can shed any light on this or have any advice please do so it would be great full,,

[Devorameira]

Your girlfriend is totally self-centered, unreasonable, and selfish.

Don't allow your girlfriend to interfere with the great relationship you seem to have with your daughter.

You may think that your daughter doesn't realize how she feels about her, but she does, and it will eventually make her not want to come to visit you.

You need to make it clear that you and your daughter are a package deal, and if she can't accept the package, then you need to move on without her.

Girlfriends come and go, but family is forever.

[talaniman]

You are a package deal, and your g/f doesn't like that package, so its best to see this for what it is, a conflict between you as a package, and your g/f. The only thing you worry about is how this affects your daughter.

Maybe time will soften her heart, maybe it won't, but its understandable on some level for a female to be jealous of a child she didn't have, if she sees it as a threat to what she wants in a relationship.

Seems despite your best efforts, that's not working, right now and may never work. Only time will tell, but its something to talk about when your daughter is NOT there. You may learn more and even come to a resolution.

[frangipanis]

I think it's actually difficult to love a child as your own who isn't your biological child, but I'm sure it's possible as long as it comes from a natural willingness to want to embrace your partner's child as your own.

As your daughter is yours forever and she is still so young, your first priority has to be to provide her with a loving and nurturing environment and so it matters who you bring into your daughter's life. You don't want your daughter to grow up feeling she's resented or a burden on people she's been closest to. What you really want is for her to feel that the adults around her think she's great and lots of fun to be with and that they always want to be there for her. For that reason, I would agree to your girlfriend's request to not be around when you have your daughter stay with you - at least for a while. I think it's healthier that way until you become clearer about what you both want and you're fairly much on the same page on how you're going to go about making your relationships work.

I'd say you need to have a clearer talk with your girlfriend. You could start by telling her what you've been thinking and how you've been feeling - let her know what you want to have with her in both the short and longer term. If you're ready, ask her if she can picture herself being in you and your daughter's lives forever as your wife and your daughter's step mother. Reassure her you don't need instant answers, but that you would like her to think about it. Be specific in asking her how she feels and what she thinks. You will know from her answers if she is likely to ever be prepared to take on the role of step mother to your daughter - or if she really wants to keep those worlds separate, at least for the short term. Otherwise you'll just continue going around in circles and your relationship will only get worse and it will start to have a detrimental effect on your daughter.

Personally, I think it's better to keep our adult relationships at a reasonable distance from our children until we've made a commitment to spend the rest of your lives together with someone. If you're serious about someone then there needs to be an introduction at some point and a chance for your partner and child to get to know each other to see how it all works, but it really doesn't need to get too involved until you're ready to bring that person closer into your child's life as someone special who is wanting to be a significant part of you and your child's life.

Best wishes sorting it all out though... being work in progress myself, I know it's not easy and that we all have to live and learn.

[answerme_tender]

Sorry you are having to go through this Paul. We as parents have aleady made our choice when we became parents, so love,cherish and protect the children we are blessed with. Your daughter is only 8yrs and is obviously making an effort to include your girlfriend in her affection, and in return gets only jealousy. The question for you to answer is what would happen if you ever marry this woman and have more children, how is she going to treat your daughter. Will she even try to make her feel part of the family or will she just not include her at all. It tuff to have to face maybe having to being alone and going through heartache, but there is a woman out there that will love you and most important will love your daughter for being the wonderful girl you express that she is. Good luck

[JudyKayTee]

I don't think all women are jealous of stepchildren - I have 5, by the way.

Your girlfriend is insecure around your daughter for some reason. No question that your daughter is a reminder to your girlfriend that you did have a past with another woman - is that her problem?

She's your girlfriend. Ask her what the problem is, why she feels insecure around the child.

I think the more you attempt to reassure your girlfriend the more insecure she gets - sort of like trying to fill up an endless well.

Presumably you love each other - you should be able to talk to each other about this and anything else that is involved in your relationship.

I would not leave your girlfriend out of your plans - I would tell her what the plans are (no explanation, no apology) and invite her. If she chooses not to go along, fine, she's made her choice. There are also times (again, I have 5 stepchildren) when a child needs to be alone with his/her father without the girlfriend (in my case, the wife) along - one on one time. What do they talk about? I have no idea nor do I ask. My husband will always be their father. I came into their lives much later.

Make no mistake - I have good relationships with all my stepchildren, very good relationships. Their children call me Grandma. They call me by my first name. My husband also did not introduce me into their lives on a large scale until we both knew we were going to be a couple in every sense of the word. Is that part of the problem? Have there been other girlfriends?

Being a step parent can be difficult, no question about it. Being a stepchild is not easier. I'm fortunate. My husband (in my case) and I can talk to each other.

[Jake2008]

How lucky that your 8 year old is so loving, sweet, and affectionate toward her. I cannot personally imagine myself having an issue with her as a sort of competator for your attention.

What your girlfriend is essentially doing, is drawing battle lines between herself and your daughter, and this can go nowhere but downhill.

What Judy said is the only way to go. Carry on business as usual parenting your daughter and enjoying her company, and let your girlfriend know what the plans are, and its up to her to go or not. I would not compromise one second of that precious time with your daughter, to appease an insecre, immature woman.

I would also like to add that I would, if I were you, seriously consider what the future will be like. 8 year olds turn into very expensive and time consuming tweens, and teens, and the challenges are enormous, even if you have a good solid foundation. If she is bothered by the simple affection shown between you and your daughter now, she will only become more and more demanding of both you affection,and your time, down the road.

At some point, if you are considering marrying this woman, I hope that you put your daughters needs up there and give her the importance she deserves in your live; not compromised time to keep the peace with your girlfriend.

If this girlfriend of yours is not going to be a good, strong, supportive influence in her life, that would personally be enough for me to send her packing.

[Alty]

What your girlfriend needs to realize is that your daughter is your first priority, and always will be. The girlfriend comes second. That's the way it should be, and if she can't realize that, she may not be the one for you.

It sounds like you do everything in your power to include her the few times you get to see your daughter. The sad thing is, your 8 year old is acting more mature than your girlfriend.

Jealousy is a dangerous emotion, and jealousy over a child's relationship with her father is a destructive and unnecessary emotion.

If this has been going on for over a year I doubt it will stop any time soon. One day you're going to have to realize that nothing you do is going to appease this woman. She's high maintenance and doesn't seem to care about your child or her feelings.

Can you stay with a woman like that, or are you hoping that she'll change, even though you most likely know that she won't.

This is a tough choice, her, or your daughter.

[Enigma1999]

Hello Paul,

I think you have the wrong title here.

" Why do women get jealous about step daughters?"

The title should read as "Why is MY girlfreind jealous of my daughter?"

I believe that your daughter has no clue as to what is going on here. She is being a kid who enjoys her Father 2 days out of the week. You asked how you can tell your daughter not to run up and ask for group hugs while in the middle of huggin your girlfriend. Please don't do that. Don't make your daughter feel as if she is doing wrong. Your daughters sounds like a sweet kid who does try to include everyone.

Ok, I am going to sound harsh here, I think your girlfriend is a cry baby. Your daughter comes first. I see problems ahead here. You are not even married and have only been with each other for 20 months. Geez Paul, what is it going to be like when you two are married? Is this something that you want to deal with?

You should talk to your girlfriend and explain that this is your daughter and that ahe comes first and that you only see her 2 times a week.

[talaniman]

talaniman agrees: He and g/f have some slaining to do to resolve their issues for sure.

We should be able to edit those rep comments, <slaining> is (ex)plaining: splaining.:o:eek:

[Enigma1999]

We should be able to edit those rep comments, <slaining> is (ex)plaining: splaining.:o:eek:

Lol I knew what you were talking about.;)

The best is when someone is trying to be a smart a$$ in the rep comments, and they misspell every word.:eek::rolleyes::D

[JudyKayTee]

lol I knew what you were talking about.;)

The best is when someone is trying to be a smart a$$ in the rep comments, and they misspell every word.:eek::rolleyes::D

I find the insults in the "rep" box when every word is misspelled to be even more amusing -

I have it somewhere because it is priceless but not too long ago someone decided to criticize someone else's punctuation - and the "correcting post" was so full of misspelled words that it was impossible to understand.

Love it!

(I once got a reddie because I capitalized the word Attorney. In order to further aggravate the person I capitalized every single word in my response. Mean but fun.)

[Enigma1999]

I find the insults in the "rep" box when every word is misspelled to be even more amusing -

I have it somewhere because it is priceless but not too long ago someone decided to criticize someone else's punctuation - and the "correcting post" was so full of misspelled words that it was impossible to understand.

Love it!

(I once got a reddie because I capitalized the word Attorney. In order to further aggravate the person I capitalized every single word in my response. Mean but fun.)

It's great, isn't it?:D

[Homegirl 50]

There is no reason you should have to tell your daughter not to group hug when you are hugging your girl friend. Your girl friend sounds like a spoiled brat and why does you daughter have to share the short time with her dad with his girl friend?

Not all women are jealous of step children, but this woman is a pill. You need to talk to her about priorities. Your daughter is your priority (and should be) and if your girl friend can't deal with that then she should not date a man with children.
You girl friend is acting selfish and childish and I don't see where it would get better.

[JudyKayTee]

There is no reason you should have to tell your daughter not to group hug when you are hugging your girl friend. Your girl friend sounds like a spoiled brat and why does you daughter have to share the short time with her dad with his girl friend?

Not all women are jealous of step children, but this woman is a pill. You need to talk to her about priorities. Your daughter is your priority (and should be) and if your girl friend can't deal with that then she should not date a man with children.
You girl friend is acting selfish and childish and I don't see where it would get better.

I agree - but I think OP has to sit the girlfriend down, tell her she's putting him in the middle (so to speak), what is the problem and what is her solution?

[Homegirl 50]

You're right JudyKayTee, he needs to talk to her. Let her know that she is placing him in an awkward position. Ask her what it is she thinks he should do in regards to his daughter.

[frangipanis]

Being condescending towards his girlfriend will only push her into a corner and alienate her which is unlikely to bring about the change he wants. He has to invite his girlfriend into a conversation with him in a way they can both come to their own realisations. It might be they both realise their relationship can't work because her heart isn't into being with him in raising his daughter. Or she may realise what she risks losing and want to change - she might be grateful to have the chance to talk with him about things in an open and mature way. His challenge is to facilitate change in his relationship with his girlfriend is such a way that will leave them all intact and improve their lives. It ain't easy! :)

[JudyKayTee]

being condescending towards his girlfriend will only push her into a corner and alienate her which is unlikely to bring about the change he wants. He has to invite his girlfriend into a conversation with him in a way they can both come to their own realisations. It might be they both realise their relationship can't work because her heart isn't into being with him in raising his daughter. Or she may realise what she risks losing and want to change - she might be grateful to have the chance to talk with him about things in an open and mature way. His challenge is to faciliate change in his relationship with his girlfriend is such a way that will leave them all intact and improve their lives. It ain't easy! :)

Where do you see I have recommended he be condescending? The OP tells his girlfriend he sees a problem with her relationship with his daughter, a problem which causes him concern.

He'd like to know what it is that is upsetting or worrying her and wants to know if they can work through it.

He loves both of them.

What does "invite her into a conversation" mean? He is worried, this is adversely affecting his daughter and his relationship with his daughter. He apparently lives with the girlfriend, apparently they talk to each other. He comes right out and asks her.

I see no benefit to sugar coating this - he's worried and she should know.

Can/will/should she change? I don't know. I only know this from HIS perspective. No matter what the other side is they need to TALK to each other.

Are you a step parent? You're right - it isn't easy.

[Jake2008]

It isn't any different than any other problem. If a couple disagrees on buying a car for example. The boyfriend wants a Dodge Ram, Hemi, chrome plated, all the bells and whistles, and the girlfriend wants a little compact. What they can afford is the little compact.

If you were the girlfriend, wouldn't you put the question out, "We have 'x' amount of dollars coming in, here is the bank statement, showing what goes in, and what goes out. You show me, where the money is going to come from, to afford the Ram."

That throws a little reality, and a little accountability, and a little attitude adjustment into the decision on which vehicle to purchase.

The boyfriend doesn't like the compact, but, he knows driving the compact, and keeping within his budget, is the only way he is going to have anything to drive at all.

He has to adjust to reality.

And in this problem with the OP, the reality adjustment has to be put out there- not hinted at, not soft shoed, not compromised, not spoon fed. Put the ball in her court, and ask her, how is this child going to fit comfortably into our lives.

Not IF the child fits, but HOW the child fits. And the adjustment comes when the girlfriend either accepts or not, that she is willing to accept that her needs will come in second, without excuses and apologies by the boyfriend, as long as this child needs her father.

If she insists on being either unwilling or not capable to realize the importance of her boyfriend investing his time and effort into the raising of his child, then her only choice is to leave.

But, it is her choice.

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=frangipanis : it means asking her to talk about his concerns then asking for her perspective. Is that sugar coating? I'm not sure why you're asking if I'm a step parent Judy? I'm a single mother who has dated men with children and can appreciate his concerns.
.[/QUOTE]



Where did you read that I was suggesting or recommending he be condescending? Your comment was: "being condescending towards his girlfriend will only push her into a corner and alienate her ... which is unlikely to bring about the change he wants. He has to invite his girlfriend into a conversation ..."

I'm asking about whether you're a step parent because I am (times 5) and it's sometimes a very thin line, father/children on one side, stepchildren on the other. I have been blessed with husbands (I was widowed and have remarried) I could talk to frankly and who could likewise talk to me - as do my stepchildren. I find that people who have not been in the position of stepchild or step parent often do not understand the dynamics. If you date single fathers, then you know how that works - I trust.

When you combine families everyone has to be frank, honest, up front.