[Needshalp]

My ex had a sorted childhood with grim details that I won't get into, lets just say Mom didn't always see the nicest of guys or ones who had high morals. She also has blackouts sometimes due to severe migraines.

A couple of months ago before we broke up she had a few blackouts one night. I picked her up, put her in bed and laid with her there for hours to make sure she was OK. After a few hours I decided to try and give her an orgasm while she was sleeping, the outcome was not what I intended nor expected. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I thought she was sleeping and she says that she wasn't sleeping but was blacked out. She accuses me of molesting her as she woke up while I was rubbing on her.

Now regardless of my side of the story and my intentions, in this situation her perception is what counts and in her eyes I broke her trust. We have since broken up and she has moved away. We still talk and love each other, love was never our problem, but now she doesn't trust me and neither of us know how to fix it. Now she had had these blackouts before and after this incident and nothing untoward had ever occurred then but it makes no difference.

I could really use some help with this, the love that we have is the kind of stuff you see in movies or read about in books. It moves mountains and shakes the foundations of beliefs, but without trust its just two people who can't be near one another because the one right now can only see someone who let her down and broke her trust even though it wasn't intentional, and even though the intentions were good the trust is still lost and the situation is unchanged.

Any advice or suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated here.

[talaniman]

She is right, you took advantage of her. You have apologize. If she can forgive, but not forget, that's understandable, but to forgive, and get over it, takes time, and you just bite the bullet until then, and not repeat the behavior. Since she broke up with you, and moved away, leave her alone to get over this without you.

Your intentions were not good, and they were thoughtless, and cruel. Just to be clear. You are paying the consequences of your actions, the hell with intentions.

[Kitkat22]

You did molest her. What is wrong with you? If you're trying to justify what you did... it's not working. What else did you do?

[Needshalp]

Also, I asked for advice, not a judgment. I feel horrible enough about this and have for over 4 months now OK. She only just left 2 weeks ago and this happened in May.

[Needshalp]

Also, I stated that she had blackouts before and after this and I did nothing. This was me trying to give her an orgasm while I thought she was sleeping.

[Kitkat22]

If you have done this to other girls there is something terribly wrong. You asked for advice so here goes. If you take advantage of a woman when she is asleep or unconscious that is rape in my book. I think you need help. Is this the only way you can get turned on? You seek help now.

[Needshalp]

I also stated earlier that other girls I have been with enjoyed this and liked it. People are different and enjoy things that some don't. Do you tell gay men or lesbian women that they need help because of what they enjoy even though you don't?

[Needshalp]

And I asked for advice on how to fix the trust that I broke. That's what her and I want, I also stated that. Simply because you do not agree with something does not make it wrong.

[Needshalp]

And if all you can do is judge me for something that you do not agree with I would appreciate if you would please simply stop posting to my question.

[Kitkat22]

You are not a moderator and you cannot tell me or any other member here what to post. Please do not use the comments section to reply. Use "Post Quick Answer" below.

[Needshalp]

Didn't know that there was an answer section for the use of replies, never done this before but thanks for the tip.

As for your comment, I am well aware that I am not a moderator. And I didn't tell you what you could or could not post, I simply asked that if you could not see past your likes and dislikes of things, your opinion on what men and women should or should not do together, that you simply not post anymore. In no way am I telling you what you can or cannot say. I made a request and I made it quite politely. I came here to ask advice on how to fix a trust that I broke, not be judged for the issue that caused it. I am not judging you for your comments, replies, or answers. I have been civil, cordial, and respectful. I simply ask you to be the same or move along.

I've said numerous times that she and I "both" want to fix this and move past it but we don't know how.

[Cat1864]

She goes into counseling to come to terms with what happened. If she wants and accepts you going with her is up to her. If she is willing couple's counseling would be a good idea, too.

You come to terms with the fact that what you did was molest her. You are looking at this from the viewpoint of someone who hasn't been molested/raped/etc. To you, she should have gotten off. To her, you did what mom's 'boyfriends' did. Whether she was asleep, blacked out or passed out does not matter. She did not give her consent to the act. You took advantage of her incapacity in some cases that can be viewed as rape.

It doesn't matter what you did with women in the past. She is not one of them. They apparently do not have her history.

She must care for you a lot to have stayed after this. I don't think you are going to work through it as a couple until you fully understand and accept where and how you messed up. That you keep saying I did it to others and they liked it says you are on a personal level dismissing her past and reaction as irrelevant.

I sincerely hope you can work this out and you can regain her trust. It will take time, patience and hard work on your part.

[Needshalp]

Cat, thank you for the reply.

I'm not trying to use the "i've done it with other girls" line to try and justify or excuse why it happened, simply to inform of why it did. I am not dismissing her past or reaction as irrelevant. Her past, my action, and her reaction are precisely what have us in our current situation. You are right, when this happened I did not take into account the things that had happened to her which is why we are where we are at this time. I do understand this, I get it, I know that this is my fault, but I want to fix it, I want to fix us. Unfortunately we no longer live close to one another so a couples therapy wouldn't help.

Thank you again.

[talaniman]

Dude, leave her alone to deal with herself, and her doubts on her own, without your influence, because YOU cannot fix this, only she can, LET HER.

That's how you deal with a conflicted person. You back off.

[Kitkat22]

Dude, leave her alone to deal with herself, and her doubts on her own, without your influence, because YOU cannot fix this, only she can, LET HER.

Thats how you deal with a conflicted person. You back off.

Have to spread the rep, but I totally agree.:)

[mystific]

I just wish to clarify...

A consenting female : one who approves or engages with your 'seducing'.

A NON consenting female : one who is unaware of and/or says no to your advances.

You may have done it with other girls, but you can't tell me 'all' girls are the same.

She done you an extreme privellege of just leaving.

The mental scarring of any sordid / morbid / unethical abuse of any description stays with women for life. Its something that isn't easy forgotten or forgiven. And it can take the smallest of actions to remind you of that horrendous past.

She may forgive you.. but she'll never forget.. and that trust will be if anything a never reaching goal for you. Because in her mind, you've destroyed everything she would have built up to protect herself.

[Kitkat22]

Your lady friends have a habit of blacking out. Sounds a little far fetched to me. You have sex with women who are unable to say yes or no and you say they liked it? I'm skeptical about that statement.

No woman in her right mind would want to wake up with a man having sex with her without her consent I find it unbelievable that they were all right with this.

[Needshalp]

Kitkat you are twisting my words, never once did I say I had sex with them while they were unable to say yes or no, I said I tried to give them an orgasm, orgasms do not need sexual intercourse to occur. Have a habit of blacking out? Yes she does, she has severe migraines that come on due to stress and from health issues, these blackouts have happened for years before we met. And if you're skeptical about the statement go ask 10 men if they would like to wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night to their girlfriend/wife giving them oral sex or a hand job. Everyone is different and just because you may not like it, want it, or think that no one else will either does not make it the case.

And mystific I appreciate the response but only cat1864 and talaniman have seemed to grasp that I am asking for advice on how to repair a trust issue that has been broken and not judgment or opinions on the actions that broke it. Yes I messed up. Yes I know this. Yes I know it's my fault. Yes I understand that some people would not want that to happen to them. Yes I understand that some would. I get that I didn't think it through. I know some of you may think it was wrong and you may be right. I am in pain. She is in pain. We both want the pain to stop, fix this, and move on regardless if it can salvage the relationship or not. You don't like me? Fine, that is your choice and I respect that, I honestly do, but I am not asking you to like me or the choice I made. Right now I don't like me or the choice I made. I've felt more horrible than you can imagine for 5 months now and watched the love of my life walk out the door only for her to be away from me and tell me she wants to try and resolve this trust issue. I have hope that one day this can be fixed and even if we do not get back together that she will be able to at least trust me again.

So please, to anyone else who may read this thread, if you are going to tell me I am horrible, I do not need you to, I've felt more horrible than you can imagine about this for months now. If you're going to comment, judge, or give an opinion on the actions that got me to the point with her that they are now, I do not need you to. I am fully aware of why I am in this situation and what happened to get me there. I also am fully aware that it is my fault and that I messed up in a very large way on a very big scale, I get it. I am simply asking for advice from anyone who may also have broken someone's trust in the past and if they managed to remedy that trust, how they did it.

This website is called askmehelpdesk; not judgeme, doubtme, formopinionsaboutme, or thinklessofme. Please remember that when you go on to try and help someone else that unless they are specifically asking for your judgement on them, if they are on this website, they probably have enough problems as it is.

Thank you again for your reply mystific and talaniman.

[mystific]

I am talking from my own personal experiences. My post was that of an explanation as to the reason why you won't gain her trust back.

Long story short.. you won't gain her trust back. Because there will always be that nagging doubt in the back of her head. You may get back together and be together for months, you'll have an argument or disagreement and she'll have you right back at square one because you done this to her.

So please, rather than going on the automatic defensive read what is put properly.

[talaniman]

Geez guy, what do you expect but peoples opinions? I highly suggest you drop the Mr. Sensitive defensive stuff, and take what you need from what you have gotten, and leave the rest. It gets you no where but shows the rest of us the level of your own mind, and to some (like me for instance) it casts doubts on your ability to process what the public thinks and keep a open perspective.

The whole point is no matter what you didn't come to argue or be judged, so don't act like it. If you do not understand the emotions that your actions have stirred up in strangers, then I doubt you understand the emotions this woman is going through.

For sure you don't know what to do about it, so just quietly listen, and don't be sensitive, or defensive. I think you can make some progress that way, at least more than you seem to be making now.