[spiralbound]

Here we go again I guess, at least this time I have correctly diagnosed my problem, and have found a "possible" solution. It has been growing worse and worse, my lack of desire to do anything at all. There have been a few weeks in the past few months where I didn't eat anything at all because I just didn't feel like it, I was hungry but I didn't have the desire to get up and make something. It would be easy to diagnose myself with depression after all I fit most of the symptoms, but there is one major difference, the reason I feel the way I do. When I try and kill myself I am not thinking about how bad I screwed up my life or all the things I have done wrong but how bored I am with life and how I have no desire to continue doing nothing worthwhile (most people would see what I am doing as exciting and important, but I don't see anything special). I don't think my life is full of pain and regret, on the contrary what I have done more with my life in these past 21 years than most people do in a lifetime. I just don't see any rewards, I don't feel satisfied, I don't have any appreciation for what I have and what I am doing. In a nut shell I just don't care. I have tried to get appointments with over 16 different psychologists, who are always booked through the next 2-3 months, I did find two female psychologists who gave me an appointment but whenever I talk with women about how I feel they are always belittling and condescending, when ever I left there office I can truly say I felt "depressed". I have one other solution, that is to somehow find a life mentor who will teach me how to appreciate the world and how to know and understand my life and make me interested learning about things. See while I may be in my third year of college, I have no desire to be here, I just go through the motions and do enough to get by. However, I just have given up recently, I haven't even started on several papers that have been due. When I was a freshman I had the resolve to force myself to get everything done on time but as time went on crossed more and more into the side of laziness. If I can find this life mentor to help me make it through life then I need some help finding one, otherwise I probably will end up killing myself. I have already attempted it twice in the past 3 months, the last time I was a quarter of an inch away, till I figured I am going to die anyway, if I screw everything up at least I can see something happen.

[JudyKayTee]

You are on active military duty - why isn't the military taking care of whatever care you need? What does the military say?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ow-369949.html

[Wondergirl]

FYI I started college when I was 18 I am now 21 my birthday is may 17th, I am about to enter my senior year of college and I have completed LDAC between my sophomore and junior years. I have not commissioned yet but I am branching aviation. Your right I exaggerated the truth I am not officially an officer yet however I will be one officially in 8 months when I graduate [i.e. in March 2010]. I just want to graduate so I like to think I already have, it's a nice thought.

You're still in college? Now you mention papers due --

I haven't even started on several papers that have been due.

I have done more with my life in these past 21 years than most people do in a lifetime

Such as?

two female psychologists who gave me an appointment but whenever I talk with women about how I feel they are always belittling and condescending

Please tell me exactly what you said and what they answered.

[Kitkat22]

Have you tried praying? Do you believe in God? If you do you can pray in ernest. Tell him everything. He knows, but he's like our earthly Father... he likes talking with his children.

Place your life in his hands and he'll guide you and show you how to get through this. He'll make a way for the right Doctors to see you. This is my opinion only.

[spiralbound]

Judy the military isn't involved because I don't want them to be involved, mental issues tend to be career ender's amongst army officers. I am still in college this will be my 5th year, due to classes I failed last semester, yes I was supposed to graduate may of this year, not march (typo). So yes I am still in college and the reason I failed classes last semester, is starting all over again, not going to class and not doing my work. If I would have passed all my classes last semester I would have graduated been commissioned as an officer, and going to aviation school to fly helicopters.

So basically what I have done with my life so far is make it into a good school, make it into a very competitive ROTC program giving me close to 250k in college tuition, had a 3.7GPA going into last semester (now its 3.2 after my 1.4GPA last semester), got into the most competitive branch in the military (aviation), been through both Air Assault and Airborne schools, received the highest marks at LDAC. I have gone overseas for language training another very expensive program paid for by the army. I while I was doing all that I really didn't care about it, I look back now and think big deal. I wish some one who would appreciate where I am at right now would take my place.

Now I am at the last stage the easiest part of my college career the very end where I saved the easiest classes so I could have fun in my last few months of school, and I don't care, I was given a second chance because I had such a good track record, but I am messing that up too. If I quit school I have a military commitment so I would have to enlist, or pay back all the money I received from the army. So it is either succeed this semester (which is starting to look very bad), leave the country or kill myself.

Take your religion and go to someone who wants to hear your lies. I grew up in a Mennonite community, I went to church 3 times a week and graduated from a christian high school. That is where I became an atheist. On the other hand admitting the very very small chance that there might be a god or the like, if it was somehow able to be proven I wouldn't hesitate to kill myself right now. No one should live in a world where there is something of a god.

[Kitkat22]

Judy the military isn't involved becuase I don't want them to be involved, mental issues tend to be career ender's amongst army officers. I am still in college this will be my 5th year, due to classes I failed last semester, yes I was supposed to graduate may of this year, not march (typo). So yes I am still in college and the reason I failed classes last semester, is starting all over again, not going to class and not doing my work. If I would have passed all my classes last semester I would have graduated been commissioned as an officer, and going to aviation school to fly helicopters.

So basically what I have done with my life so far is make it into a good school, make it into a very competitive ROTC program giving me close to 250k in college tuition, had a 3.7GPA going into last semester (now its 3.2 after my 1.4GPA last semester), got into the most competitive branch in the military (aviation), been through both Air Assault and Airborne schools, received the highest marks at LDAC. I have gone overseas for language training another very expensive program paid for by the army. I while I was doing all that I really didn't care about it, I look back now and think big deal. I wish some one who would appreciate where I am at right now would take my place.

Now I am at the last stage the easiest part of my college career the very end where I saved the easiest classes so I could have fun in my last few months of school, and I don't care, I was given a second chance becuase I had such a good track record, but I am messing that up too. If I quit school I have a military commitment so I would have to enlist, or pay back all the money I received from the army. So it is either succeed this semester (which is starting to look very bad), leave the country or kill myself.

Take your religion and go to someone who wants to hear your lies. I grew up in a Mennonite community, I went to church 3 times a week and graduated from a christian high school. That is where I became an atheist. On the other hand admitting the very very small chance that there might be a god or the like, if it was somehow able to be proven I wouldn't hesitate to kill myself right now. No one should live in a world where there is something of a god.

It wasn't JudyKay who gave you the advice about praying and talking to God. I am a Christian and a Baptist. I won't give you anymore advice at all. I do hope you find peace... :)

[spiralbound]

I didn't say it was her, I was just addressing everyone in one post, I guess I should have put a "to;" thing in there to avoid confusion. I hold nothing against you, I just have heard it all before and I am tired of the religion card, it makes me upset.

[Wondergirl]

I'm a professional counselor. I am willing to help you. Are you interested?

[Kitkat22]

I hope you will let Wondergirl help you. We really love her here. Peace to you.

[Jake2008]

Please don't shoot down anybody offering their time and advice. Kit is a good person, who offered help in good faith. Take it or leave it, but please don't be rude to those trying to help you here.

You have dug yourself into a deep, dark hole, and the further away your goals become, the worse this is for you. And you are right- if you don't take action now, you will have consequences that will far exceed the effort you are capable of, to pull yourself out of this hole, and finish your courses. After that point, because you can't put the course work off, and before you proceed with any future training toward a career, take a break.

If you don't take care of yourself at some point, and address the depression with a professional, it won't matter what you do, because you won't make it in a career with the military. Or anywhere else for that matter. Your depression will show at some point, if it hasn't already. I realize that seeking help as you said could very well end you career, but, if you don't get the help you need, it's over anyway. You have nothing to lose by seeking help- before you lose it all.

There are many here who have, at some point in their lives, suffered with depression. You will get better if you get help, and if you don't, you won't.

But one thing is for certain, you still have time to turn this around, and at least graduate. From there, before you begin more training, seek help. You won't be the first and you won't be the last to experience the devastating effects of mental illness, and that is what this is in my opinion. If you can set that one goal, and that is to finish these courses with the brainpower that you obviously have, and focus on just that, you will have earned a rest from your misery. Then you can take a break, and seek help before you take the next career step.

If, you are not together enough, or able, or care enough to do the courses, because you are so depressed, I'm sure you know what your options are, and I hope you will seek the immediate help you need, if you need to.

[spiralbound]

I suppose so, couldn't hurt. However, just so you know, you are going to have your work cut out for you. How would you conduct such a counseling, if it is over the phone I might have a problem.

[spiralbound]

If I do in fact have a mental illness, then I am stuck, there is no way I could possibly do anything if I knew that I had something wrong with me. If it is just a "phase" then there is hope. But a mental illness is unacceptable to me.

[Wondergirl]

a mental illness is unacceptable to me.

Why?

[spiralbound]

It would mean that I would no longer be able to do the things I want to want to do.

[spiralbound]

It would mean that I could no longer have control over what I want to think and do, that I could no longer take control over my emotions and feelings that there is something there that I cannot handle on my own.

[Wondergirl]

It would mean that I could no longer have control over what I want to think and do, that I could no longer take control over my emotions and feelings that there is something there that I cannot handle on my own.

And everything has gone well for you to date? You've been in total control of yourself -- your thoughts, your emotions, your behavior?

[spiralbound]

I've tried, if someone could teach me how, maybe I could. If I can't learn it then what's the point...

[Wondergirl]

I've tried, if someone could teach me how, maybe I could. If I can't learn it then whats the point.....

You are in control, or you are not?

[spiralbound]

Yea for the most part, except when I want to do something, then I am not in control because I don't want to do anything, even when I want to. Otherwise I wouldn't be having problems if I could force myself to be happy no matter what I am doing them I would be happy.

[Wondergirl]

Yea for the most part, except when I want to do something, then I am not in control

When are you in control?

if I could force myself to be happy no matter what I am doing them I would be happy.

Happy people don't force themselves to be that way.