[bella99]

So my mom had cancer for 8 years - lung cancer - she was only supposed to leave 18 months back then but she outlived htat by far. She had been in pretty good health two weeks ago. Her and I went out to run some errands when I came home to visit. 3 days later (Aug 31) she passed away.

She started to throw up and went to the hospital and never left - they said her intestines shut down - kept her on life support so everyone could come say their good byes. Her blood pressure kept dropping more and more - she had been sedated so didn't know about any of this.

The entire family came - around 9 PM the chaplain came in to say some prayers and we were going to take her off life support - but she actually took her last breath like a minute after the prayers were done - so we never had to take her off.

I don't know how to feel :-( I miss her selfishly - miss having her around - but I'm glad that she passed away painlessly and quickly and with her family around. But I saw her a few days prior and she was in such a good mood. I guess I really just can't believe she is gone and it was so quick. I can't really fathom that she is gone forever - most things in life you can replace - your pet dies - u gt another - boyfriend dumps u - u get another - but can't replace your mom.

I just feel like she was just around - and she probably went on vacation and is going to call any minute and come home. I know its not true but sometimes tahts how I feel. I know this is going to get worse before it gets better. Going back to my normal routine makes me sad - because she's not part of it.

I'm not like crying my eyes out - which is also kind of bothering me - I loved her so much - and I made all of her arrangements and was the strong one in myfamily (I'm only 27 and my bros and sister are in their late 30s and 40s) - I was the one comforting everyone - now I'm home alone - I cry once in a while but I just feel like maybe it hasn't hit me yet. In the mornigns I'm sad - my head hurts most of the day - but I'm dealing - just not sure what I'm feeling.

I've gone out with my friends so they can cheer me up - and I have fun but then I feel mad that I'm having fun and that I should be more upset - when I'm upset I'm mad because I feel like my mom would want me to have fun. Worried about my dad - thy were together for almost 30 years - he has a dog but I know he misses her - and I can't be there all the time because I live 1.5 hours away - going on the weekends and during the week once a week but just a lot to deal with.

Any tips - or suggestions - or ideas on why I feel this way? What happens after this?

[Wondergirl]

I talked by phone with my perfectly healthy, active father one evening -- great conversation with lots of laughs. In twenty-hours he had died suddenly between sentences because of a massive heart attack.

Sixteen years later, I miss him like it happened last night. I was the kid most like him, was/am the keeper of all the family photos and memories (handed down from him), and whenever I had a question about religion or philosophy or the Chicago Cubs would give him a call. To this day, when an esoteric question pops into my head, I think, "I'll call my father. He'll know the answer."

I'm not an outwardly emotional person, so I didn't cry or throw things or stomp around after he died. That wasn't his style either. After we buried him, I went back into life, missing him every single day, but it was my own private pain and my own way to grieve.

Talk with your dad about all the good times. Listen to his stories about being with your mom and working and raising a family, buying a house, doing yard work, washing the car. Time will help, but no, you will never be able to replace her.

[Kitkat22]

Right now you're in shock and it will last a while. When the shock wears off, next comes anger. You want to scream and cry and throw things and you'll be mad at everyone. Yourself, God, anyone
In your family. If you want to throw things and scream do it.

The grief is the next stage and it's the hardest. You think you've accepted it and then it will hit you so hard, it's like someone has taken a sledgehammer and hit you right in the heart. The grief will lesson but the memories and the pain will hit you every once in a while.

There will be days it will feel like it just happened. The good thing is
You learn to live with it and some morning you will wake up and the pain will hit , but only for a while.

God wanted her and just imagine how good she feels tonight. No pain and in a place where the beauty is something no one can describe. You'll see her again.

You will get better. I promise that
Blessings to you.

[bella99]

Yea I can see how I am in shock - honestly I understand what has happened but I know it hasn't really sunk in how many htings in life will be different now. I feel almost mad at myself for not being more upset right now - if that makes sense. I guess I can't really accept this even though I can talk about it.

I was sort of prepared for this to happen one day - but it just always seemed so far away - and the few times that it was very close my mom pulled through and always had the strength to get better. I guess I can't believe she didn't get better this time.

[Kitkat22]

Yea I can see how I am in shock - honestly i understand what has happened but i know it hasn't really sunk in how many htings in life will be different now. I feel almost mad at myself for not being more upset right now - if that makes sense. I guess I can't really accept this even tho I can talk about it.

I was sort of prepared for this to happen one day - but it just always seemed so far away - and the few times that it was very close my mom pulled thru and always had the strength to get better. I guess I can't believe she didn't get better this time.

When you get through this shock/denial phase, the anger will help. I know that sounds strange but it will. I thought about what you said the chaplain finished his prayer just as the doctors were going the breathing machines off. God is good because he took her before you all had to do that. I think it was meant to be that way. You would have always wondered, did I do the right thing. God took that decision out of your hands. He knows what we can bear and what we cannot.

You post here as much as you want. We'll help you. Holidays and birthdays are especially bad. Be prepared for that and cry if you want. This will be your Mothers first Christmas with the Lord. She'll be celebrating his birthday with him. You are in my prayers..

[bella99]

I'm happy because of all the ways she could have passed - this was the nicest - most comfortable way imaginable under the circumstances. A lot of people with cancer take weeks to die slowly. I do believe that god took her at that time for a reason - I was so happy that is how it happened. I'm just sad because Im only 27 and there are so many evets she didn't get to experience (I'm not married yet nor do I have any kids).

My birthday was actually on Monday - we did a private viewing on my birthday the funeral wa the day after. It was very surreal - went to my cousins house for a bbq because I knew my mom would hate it if it stayed home on my birthday - really tired me out though trying to pretend to be in a good mood when I really wasn't. My family tried to make it special though considering the circumstances.

Had plans to go to the shore with my parents this weekend - might still go with my dad if he wants to go since he needs to get out of the house but just so strange that we have all these plans that we will never get to do now :(

[Kitkat22]

I'm happy because of all the ways she could have passed - this was the nicest - most comfortable way imaginable under the circumstances. A lot of ppl with cancer take weeks to die slowly. I do believe that god took her at that time for a reason - i was so happy that is how it happened. I'm just sad becuase Im only 27 and there are so many evets she didnt get to experience (i'm not married yet nor do i have any kids).

My birthday was actually on Monday - we did a private viewing on my bday the funeral wa the day after. It was very surreal - went to my cousins house for a bbq because i knew my mom would hate it if it stayed home on my bday - really tired me out tho trying to pretend to be in a good mood when i really wasnt. My family tried to make it special tho considering the circumstances.

Had plans to go to the shore with my parents this weekend - might still go with my dad if he wants to go since he needs to get out of hte house but just so strange that we have all these plans that we will never get to do now :(

Convince him to go. It will be good for the both of you... Let us know how you do with this. We're here. We can help... :)

[jmw0713]

Yes. Get your dad out of the house and go to the shore with him. It will be a nice way to help each other through this and get the healing process started.

I felt the same way you did when my grandfather died last year. We all knew it was coming. He was getting worse week by week. I remember when he died, I was actually out at a bar with my friends from football. I got the call from my dad when he died. My reaction was not at all how I thought it would be, and I didn't know why. I didn't really shed a tear. It was more like "Oh...he's dead. I better keep an eye on my mom now. Wow, why am I not crying right now. Something is wrong!" Maybe it was because we saw the gradual progression of his quality of life... I don't really know. Sudden deaths are generally more difficult to cope with. That's how it was when my friend died. We we hanging out the night before. Then he left for a trip with a few people and died in his sleep from drinking too much.

The other posters are right though, I still think about everyone I've lost in my life a lot, especially when I do certain things (like typing this post).

Thinking back, I kind of felt like I disrespected my grandfather when he passed because I was out having drinks with friends. Then I really think about the type of person he was... He would have wanted me to go out and have a good time, and not be sad. He was that type of person.

I think it helps to think back on how the person who passed lived life. My grandfather was very social and was always doing things, so I can't imagine he would have wanted me to be doing anything thing other than that when he passed.

I think your mom would have wanted you to do the same. She was a very strong person (battled cancer for 8 years! Not a easy thing to do at all), and would want you to remain strong and help the others in your family through this, especially your dad. She wouldn't want you to lock yourself up in your house and cry. She would want you to carry on with your life and fight through this.

I think as we get older, we also tend to cope with things like this better and the ways we feel sadness and grief change (for the most part). Especially with death.

[Just Looking]

Hi Bella,

I’m sorry to read about your loss. I understand very well what you are going through. My parents were in a car accident two years ago, when I was 26. My mother died on impact. My father died a few weeks later due to the injuries received. I was an only child, executor of their estate, and had to handle all the details.

Don’t feel guilty or confused by any of your feelings. We all handle grief differently. I was so shocked by all of it that it didn’t really hit me at first. I was also busy. I moved home after the accident to take care of my dad. I also had the dilemma of how much to say to him. He was severely injured and in deep emotional pain. I just tried to look for clues from him as to what he needed. Some days he wanted to talk about it and some days he was so tired he wanted to be left alone.

I went through a whole range of emotions, as you are. First was denial – it all happened so suddenly. I was kept busy dealing with many things, but after my father passed away and I was all alone I was hit by pain that at times seemed unbearable – this was the time that my tears flowed, but also the time when I got really angry. How could this have happened – it was so unfair. I ended up staying home, getting a new job, and dealing the best I could. Fortunately home was the city I grew up in and I had lots of great friends.

Still, I went through a period of depression and then reflection that eventually led to my seeking grief counseling. Please consider that. It helped me immensely. I had someone to talk to and guide me through a recovery process. I was able to function better, and started feeling better about the future and how I was going to cope without my parents.

I was also single at that time, and had all the thoughts you have – they wouldn’t be at my wedding, wouldn’t be there for my children, and I missed them so much. The thing is I knew I had to find a way to cope. I did a lot of different things – including staying busy with work, spending time with friends, seeing my counselor regularly, going to where their ashes were spread to “visit” them, putting together things like photo albums and writing in journals, reading to find answers, etc.

I think I did the best I could, but I made one huge mistake... so I just want to caution you about it. About six months after their deaths, I met and started talking to a new man. At first, I thought he was great – he seemed so compassionate, helped me with their estate (he was an attorney), and helped me to figure out what to do with my life. I ended up falling for him quickly, but he turned out to be dangerous. I would just caution you to be careful because you are more vulnerable now.

Anyway, I am getting married in 4 weeks now. We have found ways to have a meaningful ceremony, keeping my parents in mind, but not making it too somber. I still miss my parents, so don’t feel selfish about that. It’s a very normal reaction. I still think about my parents often, and can now do so in a way that brings me comfort. I also try to live my life in a way that honors them. They were such wonderful parents. I still cry sometimes, but I also have times of great joy when I think about them. This all takes time to accept and figure out for yourself (or with the help of family, friends, or professional counseling) how to deal with your grief. As others have said, the first year is difficult – you experience a lot of firsts, like that first Christmas, anniversary, birthday, Mother’s Day, etc. On those occasions, I did something with my parents in mind – whether it was old traditions, visiting the site where their ashes were spread, writing about them, talking to someone, or something else that made it special.

Sorry this is so long, but in many ways it reminded me of myself. I was just hoping I could help you in some way.